I want my partner to leave

[Alfredthegreat]

We have been together 5 years.... the last 2 1/2 years have been hard. Really hard. But the last few months its been rediculous. We argue alot. He literally does nothing round the house. Absolutely nothing.... oh im lying he puts the toilet roll holders in the bin (yes he did use that in the latest argument today, not gonna lie i very sarcastically started clapping at him) i have been working part time but on monday i go back to full time hours, i want him to out more money into the household budget (hes self employed so some weeks he can earn as little as 80 pound, which thankfully isnt that often... and then others it can be between 300 and 400, these have been more regular) he doesnt understand why he shoukd put more money, at the minute he puts 100 a week in, keep in mind out of that i pay his car insurance, tax, phone bill and bupa dental. So doesnt equate to anything regarding other bills....why should i go back to work full time (my wage is very good, for part time hours i was on a full time wage, so i would of been mad to turn the full time roll down) but obviously once i get taxed and pay the childcare im not much better financially off. I dont understand how everything that goes into my bank has to.pay bills, feed us, pay for xmas and birthday presents for 3 kids that arent even mine (and before the step parent police jump on, i dont begrudge the kids, i begrudge that he doesnt even offer anything for the presents i buy. I pay for everything. I even pay for his youngest to get her mom a card and present on mothers day, birthday and xmas, hes doesnt offer a penny) hes gets to blow 100 - 200 a week on whatever the hell he wants. Its took me 5 months to save 300 for a new cooker. He was supposed to take me out tonight for my birthday which i had to ask him to do hes never made a scrap of effort on my birthday, but because we fell out hes just sat in silence all evening... whatever hell complain hes hungry before i do.... im trying to explain if hes on a good week why on earth cant he put the extra in. His pathetic excuse was well if you were on your own youd have to do it anyway..... wtf. Yeah i would but i wouldnt be paying 2 car inaurance.tax.phonebills . For four kids to have a bloody christmas or fucking feed them! And then the cheeky bastard was going on about me doing full time (i did a full time last week) you came in you fell asleep you a miserable bitch because your tired. Is he for bloody real.... im not tired because ive been to work... im bloody fed up because i get up at 6.30 with the little one i think go to work for 8am... finish at 4.30 come home to a shit tip so i have to clean all that up cook dinner sort laundry bath and bed little one and then if we need anything i have to drive to our local shop to pick up necessities. All while he sits on the bloody phone or laptop or whatever. And im the miserable bitch..... can someone please tell me im not crazy and that hes a bloody self centred bloody lunatic....
Sorry for the rediculously long post this was only meant to be short asking how the get him to leave my house when everytime i tell him its mid argument and nothing ever happens. Also hes got no where to go at all. His mom is the unsupporting individual going (another rant another time) so he cant go there where should i send him.... i dont want to be too harsh he is the father of our son.(he has four kids in total only 1 with me) weve not had any intimacy at all in 4 months and less than 5 times this year.... so i feel like im paddling a sinking ship tbh. I really do not see what he brings to the table so to speak.

I hear you. Most people want that and work towards that too. I think he will remain "blind" to the wet towel on the floor, deaf to the washing machine beeping and so on if you give him any wiggle room, which a natural partnership would be. I'm sorry. I don't think there are any easy answers for you.

You will never forget how shit he has been. You will come to realise that if he does change (he won't) it will be because he does not want to lose his free meal ticket. He will not change because he loves you and suddenly realised how shit he has been. He does not love or respect you - if he did it would not have come to this. The realisation will cause resentment that will simmer away. Presumably he is an adult? And therefore knows as any adult and especially a parent his responsibilities. He has shied away from them and may put on an act for you for two weeks but an act is all it will be.

See him for what he is - a lazy cocklodger.

You need to teach your son how not to behave to others. You need to teach your son that you treat others with respect and you earn respect for yourself.

You need to raise your bar. You need to show your son and your step children that this is not the way to behave.

And it is as simple as packing his bags and kicking him out.

You can sort arrangements for your son. Every other single lone parent on the planet does that.

He's using you, you are paying his life for him as well as his kids, he can't possibly care about you and is a pretty horrible scrounging git, no idea why you allowed that to happen and are still giving him a chance, he's a rude using parasite and the sooner you realise this the better off you will be.

To be honest I don't think you should leave him. It would cause more problems than it would solve. He may possibly stop taking care of your son on the days you are working just to spite you. And you end up paying for childcare.
I think try to get things that are goingto be his responsibility set in stone. Also when the insurance and dental etc expire just stop paying for him. Get him to pay for his kids presents.

Fem, why would any woman stay with a cocklodger? Surely she will save enough money by getting rid of him to cover any child care he ducks out of; staying with him for childcare and putting up with being used as a bank is the worst advice I've heard on here.

Adora yo be honest she will be worse off if they split. Most likely she earns more than the cut off for help with child care.

She just needs to get more money out of him which he has agreed to. Hopefully he will keep to his word. I think its worth a try and if things don't change then she leaves him. I think people say leave far too easily and quickly. When you have kids , it's worth(within reason) making an effort to make it work. Life as a single mum is very hard.

You honestly think she will get money out of him when she already pays his car insurance, tax, phone bill and bupa dental as well as childcare for HIS 3 kids, as well as all their birthday and Xmas presents; Jesus God, you need to re read the thread; he's hardly going to start contributing now is he when he's the scum of the earth who thinks it fine to have a woman support him and his 3 children.

She will be massively better off without him, she can meet a normal working man that will be her equal and actually contribute to life!

You are deluded, life does not have to be hard as a single parent esp as the OP is on such a good salary.

Adora I bow to your superior intellect...carry on!

You are so right Adora10

People telling other people to stay in awful relationships may be projecting as they themselves are unhappy and don't feel able to leave. Which isn't at all OP's problem.

My superior intellect, are you for real, I would honestly read the thread because you seem to be talking about a completely different situation.

I think i coukd adjust to single life quite easy but o dont want that for my son. I have to make one last attempt. Yes i did end up paying all the bills and we shall see within the two weeks hes going to start contributing more. As for help around the house today ive come home from work lawns mowed all my plants have been trimmed not a spec of dirt in the kitchen, hes even brushed thr dogs teeth. I am aware its day one but if hes willing to an effort and change which so far hes trying then i have to try for my son.... 5 years is a long time together to just give up and not even make an slim bit of effort. Part of me does still think its not going to work and if it doesnt ill.know in my heart it just wasnt going to rather then the what ifs.

All in all hes not a bad dad or person
What? You need to give your head a wobble.....what is this thread about if not his cocklodging, lazy and verbally abusive behaviour?
He doesn't financially contribute towards the expenses for your joint child......and i bet it's the same regards his other 3 dc.

I know i dont need to look for places to rent but he will still have our son most days while i go to work
If he wasn't a bad dad he'd make that effort himself.

if i do kick him out why should i have to find the money for childcare if hes at home and capable of looking after him
because he's a shit dad who can't be relied on to provide adequately for his own children.

Running around to find him accomodation will not guarantee that he will look after his own child.
I doubt he'll even pay you decent child maintenance.

How is he at home all day? He doesn't have a job?

Yes he is a good dad i wouldnt leave my son with him if had doubts about his parenting, he provided finanacially for his other kids uniform whatever but never towards xmas presents. At no point did i say he doesnt pay child maintenance. My relationship and the shit state is in has nothing to do with his actual parenting so please dont bring that into if in any way i had any doubts about his parenting there i wouldnt even be here questioning it. The main thread is all about how he doesnt contribute financially to the house or the bonus's and how he will not lift a finger. Not any child maintenance from his other three kids. That is sorted thats his business, the only thing he does sort but at least he supports them as far as im concerned. Just no help with xmas so dont misunderstand me on that. I may be settling for less myself but that has no impact on my son or his other three kids so please dont think that little of my parenting that i would see my son or any of the children go without.
Hes at home tuesday mornings,wednesday,thursday and friday day.... he works fri night sat night sun night mon and tuesday afternoon. My son goes to nursery for monday full day and tuesday half day

Wtaf, you’re paying 100% rent, all the bills, doing all the household stuff, are you mad, fam, as the kids at work would say?! What the heck do you get out of this bar childcare?

I think we're all frustrated with you OP. You're just putting it off. It's not going to get any better.

Yes im trying to come to terms with what goes on bill wise chore wise whatever and i do appreciate where everyone is coming and they are thoughts i have myself. Im getting defensive, all of a sudden because he doesnt help me pay rent hes a bad dad when thats not the case.... he has his faults in our relationship granted but hes there for his kids. I dont understand why people would automatically think so little of me as a parent that i would leave my son with someone who isnt a good parent. For the past 18 months ive had nothing but the childcare...im aware of all this. Im not deluded i am fully aware of the situation.we talked some more today theres going to be changes (whether there is or isnt that remains to be seen) but today there has been effort on his part. If he does keep it up and everything goes back to how it used go be i would of made the right decision if however it slips back and he continues freeloading then hes got to go. Weve been together five years its not been like this the entire time its slipped into it in tbe past 18 months and its all built up to this. I need to try for my own sake and for my sons sake so i know if it fails ot wasnt me and i tried.

A man who doesn't contribute financially or practically to your family life is not a good dad.

Thats where i disagree..... he looks after him most days. He clean hes well fed (vranted i pay for the food but he does make sure hes fed) he educates him he takes him out he nurtures him and he does the same for all the children doing whatever day activities they do whether its a autumn walk or taking them round museums. He does that because he treats me like a live in house keeper does not make him a bad parent. It makes him a bad partner. Hr pays the maintenance for the other 3 kids....because hes doesnt help with xmas presents or rent makes him a bad parent..... now he takes me for granted, hes a little man child, hes selfish, self centred and a damn right child. But his parenting isnt in the question and never has been. How he treats me is completely seperate on his kids. The kids dont even need to be bought into it.

Ok I hope you see this . I think on mumsnet people are soo quick to say leave but I think you are going in the right direction here. He was being an absolute shit and at first I was agreeing that you should leave him but when you came back and said you two had an in depth conversation and he seemed at the end to understand where you are coming from I agree....give this family a chance to get through this rough patch.

Mumsnet seem to have a very totalitarian view towards men. If he puts a foot wrong; ltb...he was wrong, he is an imperfect being ...i am happy you are giving him a chance to make it work. If it doesn't there's nothing stopping you from leaving. At least you know you tried everything.

Believe me I know how shit men can be my 'husband' soon to be xh is the most selfish shit man you can ever imagine...i am not a man apologist believe me. He is making an effort...just make sure to continue communicating and making him pay his way
I hope it works out for you

I kinda think the pp are is right. As are you to take your time and consider what is right for you and your family. Too easy to sit at a keyboard and tell someone anonymous to chuck their marriage away.

It may still turn out that this is the decision you make OP. But there is no hurry. There is no violence and no welfare issue, so take your time and consider your options.

You also have to build a divorce settlemt into it all. You are married, so the Home is a marital asset no matter whose name it is in. You could do worse than have a conversation with a lawyer , to pre arm yourself with what to expect. If selling your house is likely in order to buy him out - you will obviously want to build that knowledge into your decision about what to do next.

Apologies. OP. I must have very tired eyes. Could have sworn you said you were married in the OP...
as you were !

If he’s a good dad he will find a place he can have your son, you wouldn’t have to worry. If I were you I would put some contingent childcare plans in place for his days- you will have the money once you aren’t covering for him and his other children, and then he can’t hold you to ransom. You can just say oh if you haven’t anywhere suitable mrs x down the road can have him this week, I’ve got it covered, fuckity bye to you.

Jeezus,Ditch his Sorry freeloading ass pronto. No, he’s not a great dad and partner. Who treats someone they love this badly? No one. It’s appalling that he treats you like this and thinks it’s ok.

Your kids see how he treats you though so they'll grow up thinking it's normal.

Kids need more than love, they need parents able and willing to financially contribute to their lives. He's not anyone's idea of a role model.