I want my partner to leave

[Alfredthegreat]

We have been together 5 years.... the last 2 1/2 years have been hard. Really hard. But the last few months its been rediculous. We argue alot. He literally does nothing round the house. Absolutely nothing.... oh im lying he puts the toilet roll holders in the bin (yes he did use that in the latest argument today, not gonna lie i very sarcastically started clapping at him) i have been working part time but on monday i go back to full time hours, i want him to out more money into the household budget (hes self employed so some weeks he can earn as little as 80 pound, which thankfully isnt that often... and then others it can be between 300 and 400, these have been more regular) he doesnt understand why he shoukd put more money, at the minute he puts 100 a week in, keep in mind out of that i pay his car insurance, tax, phone bill and bupa dental. So doesnt equate to anything regarding other bills....why should i go back to work full time (my wage is very good, for part time hours i was on a full time wage, so i would of been mad to turn the full time roll down) but obviously once i get taxed and pay the childcare im not much better financially off. I dont understand how everything that goes into my bank has to.pay bills, feed us, pay for xmas and birthday presents for 3 kids that arent even mine (and before the step parent police jump on, i dont begrudge the kids, i begrudge that he doesnt even offer anything for the presents i buy. I pay for everything. I even pay for his youngest to get her mom a card and present on mothers day, birthday and xmas, hes doesnt offer a penny) hes gets to blow 100 - 200 a week on whatever the hell he wants. Its took me 5 months to save 300 for a new cooker. He was supposed to take me out tonight for my birthday which i had to ask him to do hes never made a scrap of effort on my birthday, but because we fell out hes just sat in silence all evening... whatever hell complain hes hungry before i do.... im trying to explain if hes on a good week why on earth cant he put the extra in. His pathetic excuse was well if you were on your own youd have to do it anyway..... wtf. Yeah i would but i wouldnt be paying 2 car inaurance.tax.phonebills . For four kids to have a bloody christmas or fucking feed them! And then the cheeky bastard was going on about me doing full time (i did a full time last week) you came in you fell asleep you a miserable bitch because your tired. Is he for bloody real.... im not tired because ive been to work... im bloody fed up because i get up at 6.30 with the little one i think go to work for 8am... finish at 4.30 come home to a shit tip so i have to clean all that up cook dinner sort laundry bath and bed little one and then if we need anything i have to drive to our local shop to pick up necessities. All while he sits on the bloody phone or laptop or whatever. And im the miserable bitch..... can someone please tell me im not crazy and that hes a bloody self centred bloody lunatic....
Sorry for the rediculously long post this was only meant to be short asking how the get him to leave my house when everytime i tell him its mid argument and nothing ever happens. Also hes got no where to go at all. His mom is the unsupporting individual going (another rant another time) so he cant go there where should i send him.... i dont want to be too harsh he is the father of our son.(he has four kids in total only 1 with me) weve not had any intimacy at all in 4 months and less than 5 times this year.... so i feel like im paddling a sinking ship tbh. I really do not see what he brings to the table so to speak.

He’s a selfish cocklodger, that’s not going to change in two weeks, especially when he doesn’t see it.

If you won't tell him to leave today, at least use the two weeks productively. Sort out any joint accounts, any bills in his name that are for your house, any in your name for him. Start the CSA process. And get yourself hardened to his ‘I have nowhere to go’. He’s an adult, he can rent a room until he finds a flat/house.

It’s sad when it doesn’t work out, but this is never going to work out. It’s best just to face up to it. Life truly will be better without him.

Another chance? 4 hours of arguing?! What are you doing woman?
Sling his stuff into bin bags tomorrow and text him to come and pick it up. Jeez.

You've given him enough "second chances." Just get rid. You will be so much better off. His responsibilities are not your problem.

Don't be a mug all your life op
He's just taking advantage of your kind nature and it's not going to change. Ltb

He's fundamentally selfish and lazy. It says a lot about him that he could contribute more but refuses to, even when it's for his children!

I think you are right to break up. He's just a bad egg really. Did he show signs of being selfish and tight before you had kids?

He clearly sees his money and his and yours as for everyone else. Fook that.

OP, rightly or wrongly, I just wanted to say that as someone who's in in love with someone who can be a complete and utter selfish twat, I understand you'd want to give two weeks and sometimes it's not easy to just say "fuck it" when you WANT so desperately for him to change, I hope he does, it's unlikely as you know, so as long as your prepared to finally say enoughs enough in two weeks I don't see what harm it can do x

Why are you being such a limp lettuce? I'm sorry I'm being so harsh but you're letting him walk all over you. STILL.

NO he doesn't get to make excuses or blame you for him being a tight, lazy bastard.

But, if you're really going to do this, then write the lists.

Write a list of household chores. He does 50% as of right NOW. Draw up a fkn rewardchart if you need to spell it out and stick it on the fridge. Tuesdays, daddy dusts and hoovers. Wednesdays he makes dinner, washes up and puts the kids to bed. Etc.

Write a list of household expenses. One column for yours, like phone and car, one for his, one for joint. He pays a fair % more than you on joint because he has 3 DCs who are not your responsibility living with you, even if it's only every other weekend - even if it's nominal, like 55% instead of 50.

He pays for his DCs presents. He can pay you £x per week/month if you're happy to still buy them when you see a bargain.

As of the end of TODAY, the phone DD goes into his name and out if his bank account. NO EXCUSES.

By the end of THIS WEEK the DDs for his car insurance and tax will be changed over.

Get that backbone of yours and USE it.

I know the liklihood of him changing is slim i just need to give him a final chance for myself. I know at the end of the 2 weeks im probably not going to feel any different unless theres a miracle. Even if he does make a miraculous change is the resentment from the last 18 months just going to slip away. Doubt it. I cant change the phone its all hooked up to on account because i got a better deal as a joint account but im definitely not going to renew it in a few months even if things do change. Car insurance is in my name because before i got my car it was one insurance. That ends next month ao thats going to go back regardless. Im just putting that because i didnt just get everything changed to my name to benefit him it was one of my bright ideas at the time because it was better deals and gradually things have just slipped all onto me. I just want to met in the middle not just be took for granted because everythings sorted. Give someone an inch then they take a mile sort of thing. I need to take back control of the whole situation instead of just.plodding on. I suppose because all the bills are about to renew its all just occured to me that hey ive bloody paid for them and ive let him sit back and enjoy that. I just need to know in my head i tried even though ive tried long enough but then i should of clocked on months ago i wasnt getting help not now. So a final chance for things to change... and in 2 weeks i can look at rooms to rent so in 2 weeks i can fully be prepared to think right things havent changed heres your new keys off you pop

You do not need two weeks. Have you not been through enough already?. All this will do is hurt you some more and this time by your own hand. Its hard enough to even change one aspect of your own behaviours, hoping that someone else will change those is an exercise in futility. If you do as you have always done here you will get what you have always got. What you have tried to date has not worked.

How many chances though have you already given him for your own self?. He has blown them all. You continue to let him walk all over you, you really do have MUG on your forehead and he has and will take full advantage of your indecision and kind nature here.

I don't know if this has been mentioned op. But I think you should ask him to pay you back money he owes for not contributing in the past. He must owe you THOUSANDS. make him pay it back i installments. That will show you how serious he is to make this relationship work.

Adults should not need lists of chores; he is not a child here. He is at heart a selfish manchild who targeted you OP, I use the word targeted quite deliberately because that is what he did. He saw your vulnerabilities amongst those being low self worth, kindness and naiveity which he could and has indeed fully exploited to his own ends.

Be careful he doesn't just cough up and then go back to his selfish ways. He knows he's being a leech, by the way.

Why oh why do women put up with this shit!??
Honestly!? It's just not going to change long-term.
You've already said it was OK then tailed off.
The same will happen again. And again. And again.
He's had plenty of chances.
I don't see the point in giving him another.
He's a cocklodging asshole.

When it's time to kick him out you don't need to discuss it with him.
Just pack up his shit and leave it outside and tell him to collect it.
It's not your problem where he goes.
He's a grown up and he will figure it out!

Good for you. I totally get why you’d give 2 weeks for your peace of mind and that final tipping point.

I think you should use those 2 weeks to cement some boundaries in your own mind. He could be on his best behavior for the next 2 weeks but I suspect he’ll treat it as 2 weeks extra work to keep his feet under the table and not 2 weeks training for how the rest of his home-life will be forever more.

You need to get your head together and work out a plan on how to get him out and what comes next. Even if you don’t use that plan in 2 weeks time because he’s doing only what he needs to to keep you sweet, I fear it won’t be permanent so be prepared mentally and practically

OP - when you wrote "i dont ask for any extra help (why should i) i need to write him a list of what to do or ask nicely (i do ask nice but how many times am i meant to ask before i lose my temper)" it made me think of this: www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
He thinks it is your job, as a woman, to take on the entire mental load of managing the household, the children (even the ones that aren't yours) and everything else about his life that is not directly connected to his work. He may make some slight improvements over a couple of weeks but unless that attitude goes through a fundamental change (unlikely...) he will inevitably slip back into the old ways.

I gave stbex another chance and things were ok for a few months but gradually went back to how they were before and then worse than they had ever been.
Now we are getting divorced, one day i knew i couldn't go on like it was and it wasnt fair on the kids.
Now i am stuck in limbo land while we struggle to live in same house while everything goes through.
I get why you gave him a second chance but in the end you will probably find it needs to end. 🤗

You don't need to look for places to rent...he does. He is not your responsibility. He's an adult he will survive/sort himself out if he has to.

You have decided to give him 2 weeks...he is fully aware of this...either he bucks up (sorry don't think he will) or he goes.

You can do one last thing for him. Pack his stuff while he's at work so that there is no need for him to waste any more of your time.

Op no wonder you are frustrated

Just get rid!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, while he is having his chance to. Improve things, I think I would do this:

1. List every single household job individually, ie clean toilet, clean shower, clean bathroom sink, clean bathroom floor, cook dinner Monday, cook dinner Tuesday etc.
2. List every single household bill
3. List every single mental load thing you do (remembering birthday presents, mothers day, school plays etc whatever fits)

then highlight them pink and blue and print and stick on the fridge.
At the moment it sounds like it will be 95:5 at best.
Tell him if it isn't 50:50 by the end of the weekend, on the chores one, he may as well start packing. And if the entire/all lists aren't 50:50 by the end of the 2 weeks, he can go.

You should not be doing everything. I'd say he can't be that good in bed that you do everything, pay everything, even for 3 kids who aren't yours, but you aren't even having sex! So literally NO point keeping him round. What an idiot he is.

You need to stop being responsible for him. He is an adult, and able to look after himself! Think about it, is there any way on this earth you would have done to him, what he is doing to you? Obviously don't know you but I am guessing you just wouldn't do it. Why would you give him another chance when he was happy to sit back and watch you struggle for so long?

You do not need to find him somewhere to go if and when he does leave, again, he can presumably look for a room just as easily as you can. Personally I'd change the locks while he is out, pack up his stuff and leave it in the garden, then let him know. He clearly has plenty of spare cash, and could stay at a hotel until he finds something more permanent.

I know i dont need to look for places to rent but he will still have our son most days while i go to work we work different patterns. Theres only 2 days a week for my son to be in nursery. If hes not living in my house hes not babysitting there i need to know where my aon will be spending his days and if its suitable. If things arent at least 60:40 by the end of the 2 weeks im going to have to cut my losses....i say 60:40 because i do enjoy cleaning and i enjoy being in tbe kitchen. I just want the ratio of help with everything to be a little more fair then it is now instead of a man child.... i do accept this is the first time ive made him fully aware of the situation, im.not making excuses for him but maybe he was a bit deluded i need to know 110% that i tried.

In all honestly, I'm getting the impression you quite like being "put upon." There's something in it for you. I don't know quite what; is it a form of feeling in control? I think your need to work through that in yourself, because I don't think you're ready to put down the martyr persona just yet are you. X

In control of what though. If wanted to be in control i wouldnt be expecting more help financially round the house. I do expect him to still look after our son if i do kick him out why should i have to find the money for childcare if hes at home and capable of looking after him. I also think if im cutting the ties hes not going to be in my house day in day out to look after him. Also it may not be my problem where he ends up but its my problem where hell be having my son 3 days a week. I enjoy cooking and cleaning but im not a skivvy and dont expect to be cleaning up all the stuff that he leaves lying around. Food tea bags clothes dirty towels. If i put the laundry om whats wrong with hearing the washing machine beep and hanging it up. I want balance i want to met in the middle. Not to just accept thag im a replacement mother. I just dont know if il ready to give up on a relationship with the father of my child despite how bad it is. If he can make the changes make it a actual relationship where we work together.

I don't know what you get out of it. Control as in you're choosing 60/40, rather than 50/50, maybe if you feel more in control because you choose this inequality it doesn't seem so bad and you don't have to deal with the ugly truth? I could be entirely wrong of course, I'm just a stranger on the internet, but you've said a few things which make me think you're not actually going for what the rest of us think is fair (50/50 or 60/40 with him doing a bit more because he has extra kids), but still selling yourself short by a country mile. If you enjoy cooking and cleaning then great, but there will be plenty of jobs to do that aren't your favourite, more than enough for him to be doing 50% of the overall work and mental burden. So you cook and clean, he does the garden, getting the kids up and off to school, laundry, bins, arranges birthday cards and pressies for all his side of the family and maybe he does the same for the hundreds of kids whose birthday parties the 4 little ones get invited to. Maybe he takes the responsibility of being go to parent if a child is sent home from school sick. He has to keep track of when the tv license is due, book cars in for servicing and mot, keep a stock of lightbulbs in and change them. You get the gist.

Id love it to be 50:50 it probably could be when you label it all out seperately like that because he can do all the other stuff and he has done in the past. But i dont want the house to be right thats your job and thats mine. I want a natural partnership where you just help and support rather then have the mindset that its going to be done anyway