Situationships

[Eatsleepworkrepeat95]

I met a man last June and we became involved. I have a child who lives with me and he has two children of his own. He is no longer involved with either of their mothers.

The moment we met we got on so well and we always have amazing conversations. We see each other every two weeks when I don’t have my son and sometimes at events we go to separately. Our friends know we are ‘involved’ and he makes no effort to hide it.

However the problem is he is reluctant to upgrade the relationship for want of a better word. He is adamant I am not his girlfriend and sometimes makes reference to this even when I have not mentioned it. When we were last out he said he is reluctant to be in a relationship as he has brought people into his life before and it hasn’t worked out and when he is in a relationship he gives his all and doesn’t want to do this unless he is sure.

We speak constantly and he gets upset with me if I go a day or two without contacting him or if he feels I’m not particularly attentive.

However I feel myself holding back because if we aren’t in a relationship I’m not going to give my all. At the beginning I really wanted to make it a relationship however I wasn’t in the correct headspace to do so and really just wanted someone to be around as I wasn’t entirely happy being single. Now I am at a point where I am happy with my life the things I am doing and have come to terms with the end of the relationship with my sons father.

As I find myself getting closer to this man through the time we spend together and our conversations I feel like I want more. He says he will know when he is ready but am I just wasting my time.

He really does make me smile is great at giving advice and we really do align with regards to our morals. We have a great time together and are extremely comfortable in each other’s company. Recently he said to me he finds it strange that he will hug and kiss me when we are out at events as he doesn’t act like that and it shows him that he is comfortable with me. (I am the same I have never been like that with anyone before).

I just want more and wonder if I should just leave before I end up hurt as I feel like I am falling for him.

Omg! You are me.. ! watching with interest as I am in an almost identical situation as you but only after a few months. I struggle a bit now tbh but I know it’s my issues that cause me to be emotionally needy. Not that you are being needy after at least a year. Not sure I could carry on like that for as long as you tbh. On s bad day I think about ending it because I have feelings for him but it’s early days. I think if you want more at this stage and he can’t give it to you, it’s time to leave. Find someone who can give you what you want and deserve.

Oh FFS! How is it needy to want the person that you are spending your precious free time with to acknowledge that you are in a relationship? And while you are wasting time with him you are not going to get the chance to meet someone who would love to be in a relationship with you, who would be proud to tell everyone that you are his girlfriend.

You've been together 3 months, if he doesn't know by now that he wants to be in a relationship with you then I think he's just messing you about really

How convenient. He won't label you as a couple so he is open to other possibilities. He should be delighted and proud to call you his partner. I think he sounds flaky.

My dd is dealing with this, except the lad in question is 16. Not acceptable for a grown man I'm afraid

its only been three months. However I think it’s odd he keeps reminding you your not in a relationship

It’s not been 3 months it was last June so a year and three months

Which is even worse 😔

Same amount of time here in my long distance relationship. First of all you need to stop labelling things and having conversations about feelings etc as he sounds put off. You have some work to do here but let me talk you through what you’ve shared. 1) it’s natural if one or both of you don’t want to “take it to the next level” if that means not living together or settling down. That’s a huuuuge change and with the frequency you see each other this is a slow burn. You have three kids involved and they matter too. 2) his behaviour and language - he’s showing you off when you are out and about but doesn’t want labels. He is probably insecure about failing after two relationships that resulted in kids already. My bf was the same to start with and then would merrily introduce me as his “other half” at a work do. Yup, wtf. 3) what do you really really want? This is where you might need to do some work. We are conditioned to follow certain patterns like settling down, babies, etc but you’ve both btdt so if you had a deeper relationship with him, would you be happier or do you need the full fairytale and living together etc. 4) you came in to this not quite ready but now you are frustrated. You need to identify the source of that frustration and if it’s fixable. Is it more time together (it is for me)? Then you need to create a space for him. 5) You sound like you don’t neeeeeed him so how is he supposed to imagine himself as something more than weekend boyfriend? It’s a tough one when you’re independent but it can be done.

OP forgot to ask how old you are?

Yea he is wasting your time. Move on x

It’s not been 3 months it was last June so a year and three months ah seriously? why are you still with him? He's taking the piss

These guys are the worst. Trust me I've been in this 'limbo' situation (watch Matthew Hussey's video on youtube about being in limbo.) The result of my 4 month hell? I left. He didn't want anything, and sadly this is SO common. A new guy I get on so well with and am talking to has just basically said the same. After a year and 3 months this guy knows what he wants, he wants to continue his cosy little situation with you. Do you even know if he's faithful? If you're not his girlfriend and he won't label it, he could actually not want to because he is playing away. Around 3 months a guy knows what he wants and sadly a guy knows if he wants to be with you or not. If he's still not sure, you have your answer - he doesn't want you. Look at it from your point of view, you either want someone or not. Guys are quite happy to continue seeing someone they just 'like' - easy sex, company - he gets it all. Time to put your foot down and essentially say you are going to walk away unless he steps up to the plate. That will truly show you how he feels. Sadly in my case, I never go the answer I hoped for.

Eat it’s sink or swim time and you’d be forgiven for giving an ultimatum. It depends what kind of commitment and progression you want. Have you met his family?

He has one foot out the door and has kept it there for over a year. This 'relationship' isn't going anywhere.

Honestly, the shit men talk when they want 'Miss Ok For Now Until I Meet The One' on side for company, a listening ear and a warm bed. Of course he knows if he wants a relationship - he just doesn't want one with you. He's told you. He will however future-fake and dangle you for what suits him right now. That 'I don't know' line is so old it's got moss growing on it. Are you going to wait around until at 3pm on a sunny Monday he suddenly decides you're worthy of him...its not going to happen. If you're dating him exclusively instead of also dating others - after all, yourenotin a relationship anyway - then all you're doing is storing up unnecessary heartbreak for yourself

Sorry - I just can’t junp on the “wasting your time” wagon when OP hasn’t clarified what she actually needs/wants from this or any other relationship ..... other than being called a girlfriend. She’s holding back, he’s holding back, but they’re official and have a great time together. Sounds to me like two people trying to find their way and overcome a lot of emotional baggage here and it’s interesting that it’s taken OP to now to get over her ex and suddenly there’s a void and she needs and wants him to fill that. I’d like to hear from OP - if he started calling you girlfriend and everything else carried on as usual, would that be enough? Or as I asked before, is it taking everything to another level with blending kids and houses etc?!

Tell him to bolt, seriously 3 months on and he won't acknowledge you are his girlfriend, how bloody insulting; I'd not spend any more of my precious time on this self indulgent git; he's playing you for a fool, I don't care how much you like him, the feeling is not reciprocated so yes, you are wasting your time, if a man wants to be with you he does; he has no reason not to be other than he's waiting on better coming along.

@adora10 is a year and 3 months 😬

I did something like this for way too long and it got on my bloody nerves. If you know, you know. He doesn’t know. Which is fine after 3 months but it sounds like he goes to great pains to explain all his reasons in a way that leaves little up for discussion ‘this is just how things are’ And he has made it clear he’s not giving you ‘his all’ I think I would want to know if he sees things progressing in the future, because if not then why keep going?

While we wait for OP... it took my boyfriend ages to use the bf/gf label but his behaviour and actions were sufficient and he came around and then went the full hog with the “my other half” and other stuff.

Timewaster who wants free sex.

Mind you, we’ve been in a relationship since day one and the every two week thing would do my head in too.

Oh god it’s been a year and 3 months! In this case honestly OP I think he is just playing things safe. He likes you but not how you like him perhaps

@pookiedo I’m so confused - both are holding back but then also having these big conversations