Situationships

[Eatsleepworkrepeat95]

I met a man last June and we became involved. I have a child who lives with me and he has two children of his own. He is no longer involved with either of their mothers.

The moment we met we got on so well and we always have amazing conversations. We see each other every two weeks when I don’t have my son and sometimes at events we go to separately. Our friends know we are ‘involved’ and he makes no effort to hide it.

However the problem is he is reluctant to upgrade the relationship for want of a better word. He is adamant I am not his girlfriend and sometimes makes reference to this even when I have not mentioned it. When we were last out he said he is reluctant to be in a relationship as he has brought people into his life before and it hasn’t worked out and when he is in a relationship he gives his all and doesn’t want to do this unless he is sure.

We speak constantly and he gets upset with me if I go a day or two without contacting him or if he feels I’m not particularly attentive.

However I feel myself holding back because if we aren’t in a relationship I’m not going to give my all. At the beginning I really wanted to make it a relationship however I wasn’t in the correct headspace to do so and really just wanted someone to be around as I wasn’t entirely happy being single. Now I am at a point where I am happy with my life the things I am doing and have come to terms with the end of the relationship with my sons father.

As I find myself getting closer to this man through the time we spend together and our conversations I feel like I want more. He says he will know when he is ready but am I just wasting my time.

He really does make me smile is great at giving advice and we really do align with regards to our morals. We have a great time together and are extremely comfortable in each other’s company. Recently he said to me he finds it strange that he will hug and kiss me when we are out at events as he doesn’t act like that and it shows him that he is comfortable with me. (I am the same I have never been like that with anyone before).

I just want more and wonder if I should just leave before I end up hurt as I feel like I am falling for him.

@Goldilocks3Bears I kind of agree, all relationships start out differently but usually both know where they stand and what direction of travel it’s going in. I’ve just met someone and we are both quite into each other very quickly, talk about it openly - no commitments or anything serious but just a nice open dialogue, no barriers. We know we both have baggage but I would feel incredibly frustrated by this and almost not good enough. I know it would eat my self esteem

The big conversation just seems to be all on his terms? Hes not ready. The End

You've already wasted a year and three months on a man that doesn't value you even enough to call you his girlfriend, what a joke, wise up OP, he's using you.

This was basically how my long term partner and I got together. At first I enjoyed the casualness of the relationship and didn't want a boyfriend, I was young and really enjoying my freedom as a lot of my friends were single and we had so much fun all spending time together without having to worry about boyfriends.

After a few months I started to have more real feelings and told him. He said he liked me but didn't want to be in a relationship. I said that was fine but I wouldn't be carrying on with our current situation and was putting an end to it before things got messy.

I was upset but knew I had done the right thing as the situation was no Ionger bringing me enjoyment and wasn't enough for me.

Within a week he got in touch saying he had changed his mind and wanted to be with me and we've been together for four years and have just bought a home together!

If you're not happy with the situation anymore then you could do the same. If he really cares for you he won't let you go and if he does then at least you know and can move on. He's enjoying the benefits of a relationship just now without the commitment and if that suits you then that's fine but if not don't let it go on.

I agree @pookiedo but OP herself said she wasn’t in the right head space and just didn’t want to be single but now she’s over her ex she wants “more” - playing devils advocate here but that early uncertainty might have set the tone. I made it crystal clear to my boyfriend when we met that I didn’t want a casual fb relationship but that is also be reluctant to move in etc because of the kids and he feels the same. It’s hard but it works but we see eachtother a lot more than this

Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. If you're not getting your own needs met then stop jumping when he says "text"! Pull back a bit, maybe suggest that you see other people as you would like to meet someone who wants to commit to a proper relationship, so in the meantime you're happy to hang out and meet up etc but will be going on dates with others too, seeing as you don't have a boyfriend. Like incendio it might spur him along to make it official or it might be the push he needs to piss off and stop messing you about. Either way, it doesn't sound like you're properly happy with him, so something needs to change and while he's getting all his needs met, nothing will change.

@incendo I agree and glad it worked out for you although I don’t believe in GIVING ultimatums, you can DELIVER them in other ways. Be less available, don’t nag, do your own thing etc. so what if he gets annoyed when’s she’s busy, he can make a date then if he needs more.

Guy i am seeing And I just said the same thing to each other - we have kids, unsure about what the future looks like as have to think of them. I probably want them to leave home first but I don’t want a FWB or casual. He agreed. If in 6 months we are stagnant then I will need to reassess!

I'm sorry but you're being used. Even if this does turn into a relationship you'll spend it all on his terms. Dump him and find someone who will treat you right.

@pookiedo same here and we’re middle aged so there’s no desperate need to follow convention. We miss each other between dates but quite enjoying not having his man stuff all over the house too.

2 kids by 2 different women. He is adamant I am not his girlfriend. So he's telling OP to her face 'You're not my girlfriend'. Some thread examples of 'from casual to serious relationship' don't relate to this at all, so they aren't relevant. This situation is a self-esteem killer..& why wait around on a man who's fickle af, and has already told you the score? You can do better for yourself OP than patiently waiting on a man who doesn't even sound to be worth the effort

@Goldilocks3Bears oh yeah I agree 100%, I never would have nagged or begged for a relationship. When I left his house after that conversation, in my mind it was over as we wanted different things and I was fine with that because when we initially started seeing each other I also hadn't wanted a relationship so it wasn't his fault that my feelings had changed and his hadn't.

You're being a total mug OP. Tell him to jog on and move on with your life. He's using you and you're letting him. I'd have cut him out after 3 months of no progress.

OK I am going to reply to everyone. These replies have been interesting as they reflect the two minds I have been in.

Sometimes I really do feel like he is taking me for a mug because he won’t say that I’m his girlfriend etc.

The second mind I am in is as follows.

The relationship with my child’s father was horrible at the end. We moved very quickly (we were relatively young) and I ended up pregnant. He became emotionally abusive and to a lesser extent physically. I would love to say he is a great father now but honestly he isn’t.

This led me to feel very insecure at the end and it is only know I can truly say I am over him and this experience and am able to have faith that not every person will be like him.

I can honestly say that the man I am involved with is the opposite of my ex. He is kind I can talk to him about anything and although he is always complimentary to me he does challenge me to think through my motivations with regards to how I parent my son I.e not letting my anger at his Dad effect their relationship.

Although he has two children he is also the opposite type of father to my sons dad and is very involved in their lives. He has suggested going on a road trip with all our children but I will be honest I was extremely reluctant as I am worried about letting a male into my sons life.

To him I a girlfriend means moving things to the level where we are completely involved in each others lives with our children involved looking at moving in together etc. That is not what I want at this moment in time as I am so cautious and don’t want to end up in a bad situation but feel like I need a bit more security.

I promise I am not spending loads of time having deep conversations about these things they just sometimes come up when we are having random discussions.

As far as I can see he is not involved with anyone else and I don’t get the impression he is. We had the conversation early on about not being with anyone else.

I am 32 with a good job I have a secure home in fact I am better off and more stable than he is.

What makes this difficult is I truly do consider him a friend. My own friends have told me at times I am a bit cold with him and I recognise that.

So all in all I think the conclusion is he is a bit of a mess and so am I. I am not completely ready to jump in feet first as I have to consider my child but maybe I need a bit more commitment.

Also I haven’t been begging for a relationship or nagging. We have so much fun when we are together and equally can just spend time in each other’s company quietly on a lazy Sunday. These thoughts just come into my mind a few days after he leaves although he is in constant contact when we aren’t together

I've got a thread quote similar to this expect with me he does call me his girlfriend and does say we are in a relationship but just doesn't seem to want to take the steps to progress things. I think a start is to be clear with him exactly what you want and in what timescales.... something I also need to practice but struggling!!

OP maybe you could have a chat with him about whether or not he views you to be exclusive? Do you think that would give you the peace of mind you're looking for? Because you also seem hesitant (and understandably so from what you've said about your past).

Also you could try and have a discussion about what being in an official relationship would mean for you both. You don't have to jump straight into blending your families etc, it would be your relationship and up to you both to decide the pace you move at.

I would also be hesitant about going away together with your DC as I wouldn't want to let my children get attached to someone who I don't know wants a future with me. But this is all stuff you could discuss and surely after all this time and the level of friendship you seem to have he wouldn't be freaked out by these types of conversations?

At the end of the day it's up to you and is your life but the fact you've made this thread says to me you're not completely satisfied with how things are but it doesn't mean you need to end things with him. Maybe just try and chat to see if you can get on the same page.

OP - answer these please (for some reason I can’t use the return key ffs) 1) have you met each others kids? 2) have the kids met the other kids? 3) you speak about “security” and “commitment” what does that look like to you when you also don’t want to dive in deeper yourself? Is it words you need?

He gets upset if you don’t call for a day or two or if you don’t show him enough attention? You need to cool off and when he gets pissy remind him as he keeps telling you it’s not a relationship. He migth be a great guy, but his behaviour says he’s a douchebag.

Goldilocks I am having the same problem with the return key it is driving me crazy. 1,2) No we haven’t met each others children nor have they met each other. I don’t want my son to become attached and I am weary as I know he has never introduced to his children before although he was the one to suggest we went out all together. 3) Thinking about it I do think it may be words I need and to know that he sees some kind of future with me and actually wants to be with me. Maybe to play a larger part in my day to day life although I will admit that does also scare me. But I almost need him to make the step for us. Sometimes I feel if I walked away he just wouldn’t care.

I think you are worth way more than this... and you sell yourself short by staying involved with this man .. walk away

return key isn't working for me either girls

Sorry OP, but I'd walk away. I think you are wasting your time.

I will say this for men: they are generally very good at going after things that they really do want. You are useful for now but he wants to keep his options completely open. Fine, if you're happy with that. I don't think many women would be.

2 kids by 2 different mothers who he's no longer involved with. You might find your answer there.