Situationships

[Eatsleepworkrepeat95]

I met a man last June and we became involved. I have a child who lives with me and he has two children of his own. He is no longer involved with either of their mothers.

The moment we met we got on so well and we always have amazing conversations. We see each other every two weeks when I don’t have my son and sometimes at events we go to separately. Our friends know we are ‘involved’ and he makes no effort to hide it.

However the problem is he is reluctant to upgrade the relationship for want of a better word. He is adamant I am not his girlfriend and sometimes makes reference to this even when I have not mentioned it. When we were last out he said he is reluctant to be in a relationship as he has brought people into his life before and it hasn’t worked out and when he is in a relationship he gives his all and doesn’t want to do this unless he is sure.

We speak constantly and he gets upset with me if I go a day or two without contacting him or if he feels I’m not particularly attentive.

However I feel myself holding back because if we aren’t in a relationship I’m not going to give my all. At the beginning I really wanted to make it a relationship however I wasn’t in the correct headspace to do so and really just wanted someone to be around as I wasn’t entirely happy being single. Now I am at a point where I am happy with my life the things I am doing and have come to terms with the end of the relationship with my sons father.

As I find myself getting closer to this man through the time we spend together and our conversations I feel like I want more. He says he will know when he is ready but am I just wasting my time.

He really does make me smile is great at giving advice and we really do align with regards to our morals. We have a great time together and are extremely comfortable in each other’s company. Recently he said to me he finds it strange that he will hug and kiss me when we are out at events as he doesn’t act like that and it shows him that he is comfortable with me. (I am the same I have never been like that with anyone before).

I just want more and wonder if I should just leave before I end up hurt as I feel like I am falling for him.

I'd walk away and save your energy.

I beg you, absolutely implore you to read mana gena's school of womanly arts. She's say that if he doesn't want to commit then that's just fine so you're just going to be over here going on dates and pleasing yourself. He'll soon make his mind up!

If he doesn’t say you are his girlfriend then when he shags someone else/doesn’t call for a week/changes his mind and you complain he can use the magic “but we weren’t in a relationship” Tell him to piss or get off the pot

It’s been a year, you don’t want your son to form a bond, yet you are looking for security and commitment?! He sounds like a great friend and a good dad but neither of you sound ready for “more”, yourself included.In fact I think his crazy idea about a road trip (nope) could have even been a test to see where you were at. You have a great time together and I get that after your split etc. It would be lovely if this worked out but I just don’t think your heart is truly in this if you were totally honest with yourself

Goldilocks the reason I don’t want my son to form a bond is I don’t want that until I am sure that there is a long term future for us which at the moment I am doubting. I think I will have a conversation with him when it arises. I know it seems my heart isn’t in it I just don’t want to end up hurt in the long run and it scares me just how much I like him, it has been years since I have been willing to do half of the things I have done with him. For example going out may seem like a simple thing but my ex used to scream at me if I had a night out and if we went out together would whisper horrible things in my ear. This man is the polar opposite to that and we just have fun. Even if things don’t work out with us I truly do not regret any of the time I have spent with him because as crazy as it sounds he is a very kind person and I really do consider him a friend first and foremost. I can’t believe I managed to pick up someone with even more trust issues than me. Thank you everyone who has responded I really do appreciate it. Although I am stressing about this at the moment my life is actually great in every other area career wise and as a mother and friend. I’m happy which is something I couldn’t say a few years ago.

In many ways you have a great relationship. You have a good friend with whom you can talk, have fun together but still have your own space and life. If he's had two that went wrong for whatever reasons he is probably cautious about committing to a bigger type of relationship. He might feel he is not good at relationships or fear something will happen to spoil it. I doubt you're the only one with insecurities! If you really like him and enjoy things as they are - you say you're happy - have a good time and don't worry. There are many people who would envy you!

OP - I totally understand your fears and doubts. We all have those after heart ache. The problem with this is that effectively the person who hurt you is still controlling your happiness. It’s taken me a looooooong time to learn to trust again and it’s a work in progress. My bf is he same and I think the checking in on you that he does is part of that process. I think you need to relax. Maybe instead of thinking about where this is going - think about how far you’ve come. Enjoy that you have a nice guy in your life who is NOT trying to move in his socks and pants and expect dinner. Work on yourself (daily Om have some nice little courses) and focus on your career and other life.

But he’s not a nice guy. He’s a relatively normal guy so feels like heaven for the op to be with him. But , he gets upset if she doesn’t call every day or so, or if she is unavailable AND likes to remind her it’s not a relationship. There’s nothing nice about that.

he gets upset with me if I go a day or two without contacting him or if he feels I’m not particularly attentive
Well I strongly suggest that you push back Hard on this here bullshit. He's not even your fucking boyfriend, he doesn't get to get upset. He hasn't the right. A mere friend doesn't have the right to demand contact every day, not even a fuck buddy. By the way, that's all you are to him, a fuck buddy. It doesn't matter that you spend time together outside of bed, that's called a friends with benefits arrangement I. E. A fuck buddy. So treat it like that, for your own sanity. And push back hard if he has the jaw dropping AUDACITY to get upset with you for not acting like a girlfriend when he doesn't want to make you his girlfriend.

i think it's the "not a relationship" thing that is key here - particularly that it's regularly brought up out of the blue.

if you were just muddling along, neither of you brave/willing enough to say you want more, but gradually getting there in time, then i'd have a bit more faith.

the fact he keeps bringing that up makes it feel like he sees it as a possible get-out clause, while at the same time being happy to accept all the benefits of a relationship with you, makes me think he's not being entirely genuine with you.

he's keeping things entirely on his terms, and i'm not sure i'd be ok with that.

Would you like another child OP?
Do you want your DC to have a sibling?
Does he want another child?

If the answer is Yes, Yes and No then your need to leave him and pursue what you want in life long term. You have been through a lot, survived and buillt a great life for you and your child. Being in an unequal or unsatisfactory relationship where you are not shoulder to shoulder, going in the same direction will ultimately erode your emotional state and what you have achieved to date.

@another20 nail on the head but I don’t feel like either are clear on what they want. Both seem crystal clear about what they don’t want though.

@timeisnotaline @elspethflashman @discontinuedmodelhusband
You are all returning to the same point: he’s in the wrong because he isn’t telling her what she needs to hear. Is he a shit though? Maybe he’s a bit of a shit because he sulks when she’s missing but then SHE herself is setting the tone here by demanding the girlfriend label. Girlfriends don’t disappear for two days. If she was all chill as fuck and not asking for an official girlfriend badge or similar, ie behaving like a true fuckbuddy, he wouldn’t dream of doing this. Similarly, she and him have conversations about relationships but a year plus down the line she’s still not happy to introduce this man to her child?!

She can’t demand what she’s not willing to give herself. Sorry.

For now this is a friends with benefits until they are both ready to be more or until one of them falls in love with another person.

Regarding the question about OP wasting her time. I think she’s absolutely wasting her time worrying about this bit I don’t think she’s wasting her time being with him. This guy is helping her get over her last man and the stepping stone to future happiness - with our without him. I actually don’t think OP is ready for the full monty here so this is a suitable half way house.

You are all returning to the same point: he’s in the wrong because he isn’t telling her what she needs to hear.
No, you’ve read me at least wrong. It’s not because the op is demanding what she wants to hear - it doesn’t sound like she has followed up the gf question with him as he’s been so clear. It’s becaise he wants his cake and to eat it too- he wants her attention on tap and sulks when he doesn’t get it but insists she can have no claim on his time and affection.

But isn’t OP asking exactly the same by wanting some form of declaration of commitment BEFORE she herself stops withholding? It just seems too early to me. Regardless of the (longish) time frame, they’ve not progressed naturally and met each others kids etc, not even as “mummy’s friend”, so I just think it’s exactly what it says in the title “situationship” and unless they both feel relaxed, loved up and free of the ghosts of exes past, there’s absolutely no point labelling anything.

So the question to OP is, can you break it off, be single and start dating again if you feel like it or does that fill you with dread and you’d rather deal with this and keep working on it? Only she can answer that and I really wish her luck. Either way, the only one responsible for her happiness and wasting her time or not is her, not him.

Either way, the only one responsible for her happiness and wasting her time or not is her, not him.

This is very, very, very true.

That's true. He can't say he hasn't been frank about it.

How about,

"I like you. I want us to be in a relationship exclusively with each other. If you don't want that, I'm happy to be friends/fwb [IF you are] and we can fuck and date other people and not need to be in touch quite so much, but we've known each other 15 months now and I don't want to continue without knowing what the score is. I'd like it to be that we're in a relationship, how would you feel about that?"

FWIW I had a fwb for a few months that I ended up liking more than that, he wanted to stay fwb. I gave him a choice; we could stay good friends but no more sleeping together, or we gave a relationship a go. He decided quicker than me in the end and we had a good 2 year relationship.

Hey OP, I posted on your thread. How are you getting on? Are you still together? X

Oohhhh I love a reboot and look forward to hearing.

Mine is still on and has gotten more serious lately...

A ‘reboot’ 😂! Well I reluctantly called time on my situation yesterday! I’m really gutted 😪😞 but it’s the right decision. When I told him he was very shocked but did agree that he cannot give me anymore commitment at present. I feel life is too short to waste on waiting for someone to hopefully/maybe never decide they want to be with you. As painful as this is.

Don'tyouloveme are you the OP?

I'm sorry. He's a silly man. It sounds like you had a good thing going if he could have let go of his hang ups. Either that or it wasn't quite there for him as much as it was for you. Whichever it was you're better off moving on.

honeyroar I’m not the OP no. I was the first to post on the thread.

Thankyou ☺️. I think he has a lot of hang ups. He did tell me he is petrified of getting into a crap relationship again, following an awful last ten years of a twenty year relationship. I get that. And he told me when we met, he didn’t want serious, I didn’t at the time either. However, I grew feelings and he did too . I did hope he would change his mind and give us a go but he’s clearly not ready. So, I owe it to myself to move on and learn what I can from this. It’s the second time only (at 47 years old) I’ve realised that I want/deserve more so it’s a huge step for me to do this, but it hurts 😪.

Thanks for your reassurance x x

I was in this situation. One evening (after 4 months) he began to go on AGAIN about how he didn't want a relationship blah, blah, blah (out of the blue - we hadn't even been talking about it!) I pointed out that he had had girlfriends before but that I clearly wasn't 'good' enough to merit that title. I said it was over. Next day he told me he wanted a 'proper' relationship. Almost 12 months on and we're still together (despite some very difficult times).