Situationships

[Eatsleepworkrepeat95]

I met a man last June and we became involved. I have a child who lives with me and he has two children of his own. He is no longer involved with either of their mothers.

The moment we met we got on so well and we always have amazing conversations. We see each other every two weeks when I don’t have my son and sometimes at events we go to separately. Our friends know we are ‘involved’ and he makes no effort to hide it.

However the problem is he is reluctant to upgrade the relationship for want of a better word. He is adamant I am not his girlfriend and sometimes makes reference to this even when I have not mentioned it. When we were last out he said he is reluctant to be in a relationship as he has brought people into his life before and it hasn’t worked out and when he is in a relationship he gives his all and doesn’t want to do this unless he is sure.

We speak constantly and he gets upset with me if I go a day or two without contacting him or if he feels I’m not particularly attentive.

However I feel myself holding back because if we aren’t in a relationship I’m not going to give my all. At the beginning I really wanted to make it a relationship however I wasn’t in the correct headspace to do so and really just wanted someone to be around as I wasn’t entirely happy being single. Now I am at a point where I am happy with my life the things I am doing and have come to terms with the end of the relationship with my sons father.

As I find myself getting closer to this man through the time we spend together and our conversations I feel like I want more. He says he will know when he is ready but am I just wasting my time.

He really does make me smile is great at giving advice and we really do align with regards to our morals. We have a great time together and are extremely comfortable in each other’s company. Recently he said to me he finds it strange that he will hug and kiss me when we are out at events as he doesn’t act like that and it shows him that he is comfortable with me. (I am the same I have never been like that with anyone before).

I just want more and wonder if I should just leave before I end up hurt as I feel like I am falling for him.

pockledigg am glad it worked out in the end for you. I wish that would happen in this instance but he reiterated it again in a text last night that whilst he ‘liked me very much’ he was unable to commit due to circumstances and where he is emotionally at the moment. Just need to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t happy how it was and that’s why I ended it.

@dontsayyouloveme I think you need to do the 30 day non contact as there’s a risk he’ll try to slip back into the old ways here and you sound like it’s a lot to take it too so take a total break. I’m your age and understand all the dynamics but the truth of the matter is you can and will find a loving relationship on your terms so hang in there.

Goldilocks3Bears thanks for the post. You are totally right. I have deleted all traces of him off my phone and I’m try to forget his number!! He needs to collect some stuff which won’t be until next week but I doubt I will hear from him until then or after. I have real issues with ‘loss’ as my mum died when I was 11 so the ending of relationships and the thought of being alone are massive causes of anxiety and depression for me. So until this I’ve alwsts been co-dependent but I won’t be anymore. I am strong when I dig deep and that will be my focus from today onwards.

Thank you again. Your last sentence was nice and comforting ☺️

So I saw him today to give him his things back. He looked gorgeous 😞. Soon as he saw me his eyes filled up. I asked why he was upset. Not because he won’t see me again, nothing like that, but because he knows how shit my life has been and feels guilty for adding to it!! I tried to get him to open up but I got ‘I care about you but I cannot give you what I want’! I’m so incredibly upset, and starting to think it’s all my fault he didn’t care enough about me to want to change. This was not my plan for today!! 😪

Another one here who identifies! I think we've been conditioned to think we have to look for the fairytale, but truth be told I never met anyone who really could live up to that and I'd hate them if they did.

I'm with a man I'm only just allowing my self to love, after a year and I'm constantly questioning myself about how far I want it to go. I won't have "the conversation" with him as I don't think I would like the answer either way. He doesn't seem to want to either. So we just middle along enjoying each other's company. We have become very close without labelling anything.

I personally wish it was said out loud more often that uncertainty is OK for some people. I don't talk to anyone about him for fear of the people who like conventional relationships jumping on everything as proof "I deserve better".

I could stay home every night, wait around for mr right, take cold showers every day, and throw my life away on a dream that won't come true. That's a thing I'd never do

He is USING you and stringing you along. He is not a good person. He does not want you. Tell him you want different type of relationship to what he offers you.

Please dump him FIRST

This will mess ypu up. The longer you leave it the worse it gets. Dump him before Christmas.

Fuck him off.

You don’t want the same thing. Your emotions are being played with whilst you have a child to care for.

He isn’t the man you need or want, in your life.

Not upfront enough to say “it’s just sex”, not committed enough to say it’s a real relationship. You don’t need that level of fuckwittery.

*just to add - I say the above as a fellow single Mum. I am not judging you, just trying to encourage you to think more of yourself.

@dontsayyouloveme sorry that sounds rough and I thought it might be the case so definitely break contact now, no more chats.

Somehow his tears and bs managed to gaslight you into thinking that this is your fault for not being good enough for him to want to change. Nope, nope, nope.

You deserve better than this. Wipe your tears and move on. Focus on yourself and a man who isn’t broken will come along xx

Goldilocks3Bears he texted me this morning. I thought I’d blocked him so I didn’t text him! He wants to commit to me more. He wanted to take me out for a meal tomorrow to chat but I’m busy. We are talking on the phone tonight. See what he has to say before I make another decision. Ffs!

He wants more of the same, that’s what he wants. Tell him you can’t talk as you’re busy and maybe speak after the weekend. Then leave it and make him make contact but don’t speak to him at all until next week.

If he’s a serious contender he’ll only benefit from a little thinking time.