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Relationships

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Original poster

He doesnt want children. Do i leave

100 replies

Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 14:52

Hello, long story short.
Been together 3 years, live together for 2. Initially had the child conversation which involved a lot of soul searching and it fell to DP erring on the side of no. Me erring on side of yes but both very unsure. I think over time we have both become more sure on our positions.

Everytime i think about children its tinged with heart ache as it basically would mean making the decision to leave. Do i leave for the chance of children which may not hapoy or stay with someone i love but know it will be missing

Im worried we will have children to shut me up and ill resign dp to a life of misery. Friends around us are having babies which is pushing the issue

We love each other. Our lives our totally immeshed. How do you leave someone you love?

Neither of us could afford to live independently. How do you even start to seperate your lives?

I have no idea what i want

OP posts:

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 14:57

Is it worth exploring in counselling to help you decide? Lots of people find themselves in the same boat and have to make this sad choice after many more years so it's good that you're doing this now. It's still sad though.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 23/09/2018 14:57

I’m sorry this sounds really heartbreaking. Ultimately it depends on whether or not you really want children and if you stay, can you make peace with the decision without resenting him.

hidinginthenightgarden · 23/09/2018 14:58

It is a decision only you can make. What do you want more? Him or children. You clearly cannot have both.
I think I would consider that by leaving you could find someone you loved that you could have a family with - there would be hope. By staying you accept that you won't ever have children. No hope, possible resentment in the future.

Sunflowerr · 23/09/2018 14:59

Leave. If you really want kids and give that up for him, it's likely you'll end up resenting him so much that you leave him anyway.

Shinesweetfreedom · 23/09/2018 15:00

Or how would you feel in later years if he went off with someone else and it is too late for you to have children.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/09/2018 15:00

I’m really sorry but you should leave. You have no idea what will happen in the future but you’re giving up your entire dream.

I had this exact convo with my dp of 4 years - he didn’t want kids, I did. We broke up, it was absolutely HIDEOUS to get over but 18 months later I met my now DP. We had the conversation about kids on date 2 and now making serious plans for our future.

You’ll be absolutely ok, I promise. But this feeling of wanting children is unlikely to change and likely to drive a wedge between you.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 15:02

By staying you accept that you won't ever have children. No hope, possible resentment in the future.

This! And he will be able to reproduce far longer than you will. He can at any time elect to leave the relationship, find someone else and have children, when you may well be unable to do so anymore. I'm older now and have seen this happen to countless women I knew. They stayed with a guy who didn't want kids, even though the women did, and plenty of times, the guy gets near 50, they split up and within a year he's with someone else who then gets pregnant. Like that actor Guy Pearce, he banged on and on about never having kids, he was never gonna have kids. He and his wife of 18 years got divorced when they were nearly 50 and about a year later he has a baby with a younger woman.

Yogagirl123 · 23/09/2018 15:06

For me personally I would end the relationship, my need to have children was so great, and I know I would have resented my DH.

It’s such a tough decision to have to make OP. Wishing you good luck with whatever you decide.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/09/2018 15:08

Yes I would leave. Wanting to have kids is an absolutely massive thing to give up for a partner and will cause massive resentment.

It also means you are fundamentally incompatible. It's hard to do but do it now and give yourself the chance to gave the life you want

Verbena87 · 23/09/2018 15:12

My now husband, having previously said he was open to having children, decided he thought he didn’t want any when I was about 24ish. I did a lot of soul searching and felt I’d miss him forever if I left specifically because of wanting kids when nothing else was wrong.

We put it on the back burner for a couple of years, some close friends who parent in a relaxed way and didn’t lose their identities in parenthood had kids and he kind of just naturally changed his views again.

We had our first baby last year (I was 30). We’re both loving parenthood.

So have been very lucky, but if you adore him and if both of you are a bit conflicted, and if you have a few years of fertility left, it could be worth waiting.

It is so bloody hard and horrible though. Nobody’s fault but totally divisive. Good luck deciding what to do.

Original poster

Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 15:13

It would be easier if i knew for sure. Like its less about actually having children but more the option to have children.

I cant imagine life apart but yet here we are. I looked at one bed flats online and cried because i dont want that. But what i want isnt possible

Its hard to talk about it to dp because what im essentially saying is im trying to decide if you are enough for me, if our life is enough or if i should leave. Equally im scared of them saying yes to either a) then backtrack later or b) end up with a kid they dont want.

How do you know when love isnt enough?

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 15:19

Love isn't enough. And if you don't love yourself and what you need in life first, then you'll never have a truly healthy relationship. You're incompatible.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/09/2018 15:20

How old are you OP?

Scrumptiousbears · 23/09/2018 15:21

A different situation but I left a 5 year relationship partly because he didn't want "any more kids". He had some from a previous relationship. We didn't like be together and I was financially secure.

I don't think you regret having kids. I have had many what I though was "the one" in my life.

I now have 2 girls and live with my partner. I don't regret leaving him.

MistressDeeCee · 23/09/2018 15:22

You leave someone you love when the fundamental thing they don't want, that you do want, will crush your relationship anyway.

You are honest with yourself - even if you need help to come to terms with it - that you will not die for lack of a particular man.

Knowing there's no escaping going through the sadness of not being with him, but accepting eventually, after all the pain, you will come out the other side.

If you can't face being without him and that's more a key thing to you than having a baby, all well and good. But if you're not living your truth around this aspect then it's so pointless.

I don't believe we HAVE to have someone just because we love them. They may not be good for us. Their life values may differ from ours. Goals may not be similar.
You may simply be incompatible. None of that is worth putting your life on hold for. & the longer you stay, the more you block your chances of realising your heart's desire.

Shambu · 23/09/2018 15:23

How old are you OP?

FermatsTheorem · 23/09/2018 15:27

As others have said, it's a situation where you have to be totally honest with yourself. Which matters to you most? Him, or children?

For me, it was children. I left and am now a very happy mother of a child I love to bits. For a close friend, it was her husband. She is now post-menopausal, and I know feels the odd twinge, but for the most part lives an extremely happy and fulfilled life, and loves her husband very much.

The one outcome that won't happen is that he suddenly comes round to the idea and you live happily ever after with both children and him.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 15:28

I think it would depend on how old you both are. If you're around 30, I'd move on, I'm afraid.

Pebblesandfriends · 23/09/2018 15:31

Love isn't enough, and the love you will feel for your children is completely different. My DH said he didn't want children ( or marriage) in his mid twenties. I was devestated and walked away. He changed his mind (after a while apart) and 10 years in and 2 kids later we couldn't be happier. We had the hard conversations he convinced me that he had genuinely thought about it and was sure, otherwise I wouldn't have gone ahead. It's not impossible for someone to change their minds, but do go with your gut.

Verbena87 · 23/09/2018 15:32

what im essentially saying is im trying to decide if you are enough for me, if our life is enough or if i should leave.

Well yes, absolutely. But you need to respect your partner as adult enough to hear this. Honesty is a really big deal.

muchalover · 23/09/2018 15:34

I think the decision is much closer to home. It's not if HE wants children it's whether YOU want them. If you do then you have your decision, even if later he went on to have children with another woman. Perhaps Guy Pearce didn't want children with his first wife but was willing with another woman.

If you get to 50 without children and he leaves you will you be devastated because you compromised what you wanted. If yes then you need to find someone more compatible with your life plan now not after it's too late. Regret eats you up.

Original poster

Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 15:55

Im 27 :)

Thank you for all your wise advice

OP posts:

Shambu · 23/09/2018 16:01

27 you've got plenty of time to find someone wants kids too. You've no reason to compromise on what you really want at this age.

Don't waste any more time on this.

BewareOfDragons · 23/09/2018 16:07

I would talk to him. Tell him you love him, but you can't see a future without children. If he doesn't share that vision, then you are ending the relationship. You're just meant for each other.

I hope you have the family you want someday, OP.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/09/2018 16:08

So have been very lucky, but if you adore him and if both of you are a bit conflicted, and if you have a few years of fertility left, it could be worth waiting.

That's really lovely for you and I'm genuinely pleased that things worked out for you - but I think OP needs to think really hard about the potential downside of this approach. She could well waste her fertile years; waiting for him to change his mind, and he has much longer to decide and then find someone younger if he does...

There's no easy answer here. If you're sure you want kids; your decision is made - so maybe counselling or some chats with really good friends so you can solidify whether you do?

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