He doesnt want children. Do i leave

[Britneysfa]

Hello, long story short.
Been together 3 years, live together for 2. Initially had the child conversation which involved a lot of soul searching and it fell to DP erring on the side of no. Me erring on side of yes but both very unsure. I think over time we have both become more sure on our positions.

Everytime i think about children its tinged with heart ache as it basically would mean making the decision to leave. Do i leave for the chance of children which may not hapoy or stay with someone i love but know it will be missing

Im worried we will have children to shut me up and ill resign dp to a life of misery. Friends around us are having babies which is pushing the issue

We love each other. Our lives our totally immeshed. How do you leave someone you love?

Neither of us could afford to live independently. How do you even start to seperate your lives?

I have no idea what i want

What Eatmycheese said, 100%. And so, so, so many women I knew settled for these tearful heart-to-heart chats because they wanted to hang onto this 'love of my life', so didn't want to rock the boat, which is exactly how so many of them ended up childless for life because their time ran out. And you know, if you can't have a mature, adult, realistic conversation with your partner or spouse, without all the tearful drama, then they are not the love of your life - maturity, mutual respect, communication and shared goals and values are what make a truly healthy and loving relationship, not a Dido song.

Another vote for LeftRightCentre post - absolutely spot on

Sorry nothing to add, but @LeftRightCentre has really summed it up perfectly

So at the start he said no, and again hes still unsure and theres 'no definites'. Its clear where he stands. The tears might be more about breaking up rather than actually wanting a child.

And think about this. Do you really want a child with someone where you have to force them into it. With ultimatums about leaving or else? Hes telling you where he stands.

Being engaged is meaningless unless you have a date.

Marriage needn’t be expensive, a few hundred pounds.

My SIL is 40 with 3 kids, 2 adults and 1 in primary school. She's been engaged twice, once for 12 years and once for 10. Never married. It's completely meaningless.

How old is he? Sadly becoming increasingly common for men to say no kids in 20's/30's, waste the fertile years of the woman they're with at that point, only to break up with them in their 40's/50's and have DC with a younger partner then.

Also as pp have said, if you want DC even if you choose to stay chances are you will eventually resent him for that which will wreck the relationship anyway.

Personally it was a deal breaker for me and I was clear about that with my exh and the relationship before him (which ended for different reasons). I wouldn't have stayed with someone pre-motherhood if they didn't want DC.

Vinyl - I have endo too, I wish medics were as honest as that nurse, too many women are missing out on becoming mothers or only doing so after a real struggle because medics aren't honest.

See on mn in particular that 30's is "ideal" time for DC, physically/biologically it really isn't! Fact is biologically 20's are peak fertility years for women. Fertility starts to decline around 30, and really declines fast 35 onwards. Any woman that has ANY hint of gynae issues I would strongly recommend

A - pushing for a gynae referral, diagnosis and treatment. It's shocking how hard this is made for women in this country and its NOT just cuts/financing (though of course that is a factor) but it's that women are expected to put up with more than men. Several studies show it takes women up to 3 times longer to get a specialist referral than a man for any problems they have with their reproductive system!

B - not leaving ttc until 30's. Fertility can decline at an alarming rate at this point and that's just ttc, doesn't inc issues like mc or increased risk of genetic issues.

Following update re beans on toast/long chat, that's an improvement but you need a proper commitment from him, and yes I'd instigate a deadline - and less than 3 years too. Both for marriage and a baby. Getting married needn't be at all expensive or require a lot of planning. Decision time for your fiancé.

"Look, I'm old enough to have learned this: when a man wants to get married and have kids, he doesn't dick around waiting for years and years" I'm 46 and totally agree, seen friends/relatives/acquaintances strung along and end up either having to go through Ivf/mc etc or end up without children when they wanted them and the relationships then broke down anyway due to built up resentment - only for the man to quickly marry and have DC with new wife!

I'm also thinking he's been your one and only serious relationship? Personally I think people need more experience of relationships than that usually. Yes it works for some (I have an uncle who married high school sweetheart and they're still happily married 40+ years later) but it's VERY rare. Not least because we change a LOT in our 20's/30's.

What experience of relationships did you have before him? What about him before you?

You have to think about your life and your interests, not his. Otherwise youll end up being too old to become a mother and your love "forever and ever" can fade away.
You are not only 27 and have whole life...you are ALREADY 27, so by the time youll separate, find a nice man, date with him for 1-2 years, you'll be already at least 30 and it doesnt mean that you will get pregnant just as soon as youll decide.

Why cant you live independently? You can, just as you did before you started living together))

My relationship was the other way round. DP wanted kids and I didn’t. But when it came down to it, I decided that having kids was a lesser evil compared to losing DP.

We compromised by waiting as long as possible (nearly 40) and only having one child. By the time we had kids I was able to cope with it - ten years earlier I couldn’t have coped. I adore my DC and wouldn’t be without him, but I’m still not a natural mother. I made my own decision though - it was fully my choice to have a baby.

Having said that, you can’t hang around waiting for your DP to change his mind. Lay your cards on the table and let him choose either you+kids as a package, or neither.

Just throwing in the fact that although men's fertility doesn't come to a dead stop, it does steadily decline (after 50 it declines noticeably) and older fathers tend to have a higher rate of genetic problems in their children, so they don't necessarily get it all their own way.

OP when I met my husband he had no plans of having a relationship full stop, ever getting married, ever owning a property, or ever having children. He fancied a commitment free life. That was March 2014. He'd moved to a new city miles away from home, and didn't even go home for Christmas, he liked to spend it alone.

We got engaged in March 2016, married in April 2017, bought a house together and we're due our first baby in a couple of months.

I agree with PP, men don't mess about wasting time if it's what they really want.

I'm glad you had a chat about it and you feel better.

Good luck op 💐💐💐 best wishes for your future.

Get a coin assign a one partner and and the other children, flip it, if you're disappointed with the result you know which you want more. Not that you should rest you're entire relationship on a coin flip but you will no if having children is more important than you first thought.

I think you know your own partner. Mine faffed around in his 20s, but he faffs around booking holidays and faffs around buying furniture/doing DIY so I knew that was just him and he’d be fine once DS arrived (and I was right, he is very hands-on, adores DS and probably does more childcare than me at the minute due to different working hours).

I didn’t mind waiting a couple of years for him to get used to the idea, but I didn’t give him the option of delaying for ever. Just as I didn’t give him the option of delaying having the windows replaced, and just went ahead and got some quotes.

He gets very anxious about making decisions, but sometimes his delays effectively shut doors for us so he needs a shove. I have learned over the years that although it causes major rows at the time (because it sets off his anxiety) he prefers me forcing him to do stuff than letting him miss out on something he actually wants. That is just how we work as a couple though.

We have other friends where it is clear that they just do not want children or responsibilities. One in particular moves onto the next 25yr old manic pixie dream girl as soon as his existing GF hits 35 and starts to want to settle down. He’s done that about 4 times now, obviously just wants to maintain his party lifestyle. He’s late 40s and showing no sign of changing. Any pushing to settle down would make him run a mile.

Only you know which of the two you are dealing with.

Great post LeftRightandCentre. Op don't hang around for too long waiting for him to decide whether he wants to commit to marriage and a family with you or not.

A friend of mine got married in her mid-twenties to a man who said he wanted one or two children just like her. He kept postponing it and postponing it until finally in their mid-thirties he said he didn't actually want any children. My friend was heartbroken but stayed with him and tried to make the best of a childfree lifestyle. When they turned 42 her husband left her for a twentysomething woman and had a baby - he even said to my friend that one of his reasons for leaving was that he had decided he wanted kids after all and my friend was too old to have any. TL;DR: don't be like my friend.

INSIST that from now on, ALL contraception is down to him. He needs to go the full mile and then some: he needs to have a vasectomy, take the male pill and use a condom. Only then will you consider having sex with him. He has decided he does not want children with you but still wants to shag you? So the least he can do is give you risk-free fucks!

My husband finally said yes to having a baby he didn’t want. I now have a gorgeous DD aged 7 but my marriage was irrevocably damaged. I am sad about the marriage but my DD was worth the price!

What everyone else has said - put a time limit on it, and stick to that time limit. And, biology being what it is, make it a short time limit. "Actively TTC a year from now or I'm out of here" type time limit.

Hi op, pleased you had a chat. I do however echo what previous posters have said re putting a time limit on how long you're prepared to wait.

I'm not saying give your partner an ultimatum, but I am saying in your mind you need to have a "cut off" point if trying for kids isn't negotiable for you.

Yes that sounds harsh. However, if he doesn't change his mind and you feel you have to walk away, the last thing you want is to be a few more years down the line having to allow time to grieve a relationship before trying to meet someone etc.

Like I said my husband is now ridiculously broody now (like your oh due to my nieces). Really hope things work out for you. X

Sorry would add that the reason it's important to put a time limit is that even if you agree to start trying there are no guarantees - I'm at yr 6!

PP's have said everything I would say. I also agree with the poster who said that her children are the loves of her life. That's me. My children were a choice I made as soon as I knew I could, i wished for them so desperately that I would have had them with or without a partner (this is still an option for you!) i had my first at 26 and second at 31. I'm now 35 and really it's too late for anymore. For you that's 8 years away. That's not long at all. Dont hang around, he's not going to change his mind.

I think it's natural for 20somethings to think they don't want children and come round to it in their early 30s (women too!). It's good that you've had a talk and it wasn't all negative. I wouldn't be piling pressure on refusing sex and setting 12 month deadlines, I'd keep talking, give it another couple of years (you'll still have plenty of time) and let him watch his friends and family that have just had babies, let him get used to the idea. Have another chat in a year's time and tell him then that you're giving it a year for a definite decision.

I think wait it out until your 30. This sounds really pessimistic but... a relationship at 2 years is usually is still all shiny and new and intense and they are flawless. After 5 years, usually you know their flaws. Someone said do it now rather than years later when you are even deeper in a relationship, but although I love my partner of 8 years very much and don't want it to end, if I had to choose between doing it 2 years in or 5, 2 would hand been emotionally harder. Maybe I'm on my own here? I also tbknm bt 30, you'll have a clearer idea of your own desires too.

You can wait till you're 30 which is what a lot of women do - stay with their uni bf for 10 years - then split either because he doesn't want kids or because the relationship has run out of steam - but it gives you less time to find a new life partner and get knocked up before egg issues loom. In fact, two friends of mine were infertile by the time they were 30.