He doesnt want children. Do i leave

[Britneysfa]

Hello, long story short.
Been together 3 years, live together for 2. Initially had the child conversation which involved a lot of soul searching and it fell to DP erring on the side of no. Me erring on side of yes but both very unsure. I think over time we have both become more sure on our positions.

Everytime i think about children its tinged with heart ache as it basically would mean making the decision to leave. Do i leave for the chance of children which may not hapoy or stay with someone i love but know it will be missing

Im worried we will have children to shut me up and ill resign dp to a life of misery. Friends around us are having babies which is pushing the issue

We love each other. Our lives our totally immeshed. How do you leave someone you love?

Neither of us could afford to live independently. How do you even start to seperate your lives?

I have no idea what i want

It did make a big difference my husband seeing a particular set of friends become parents - others we knew who had children had a very different approach which I just don’t think he could envisage wanting for our lives; these friends continued to do the things they’d always done and the baby became part of all our lives really naturally, and he suddenly saw it doesn’t have to be any particular way except loving.

I had two friends in this situation and their then husbands had their arms twisted to have kids. Neither relationship survived more than 3 years after kids came along. Ultimately the blokes couldn’t/didn’t want to adapt to parenthood. They both see their kids now but it’s alternate weekends and the odd midweek day and that seems to suit them as 75% of the time they have their ‘old’ lives back...

Go find someone who wants to have kids, having kids needs huge amounts of teamwork.

Good luck

I'm going to go against the grain here, but as someone who didn't want kids at all (as the female) until I had lived all the best life experiences with a partner (male) who really wanted them, we agreed to wait til 30 to decide again. We travelled, we partied, we played then eventually I thought 'yes now I'm ready'. We had them later than most and maybe too old (am knackered) but I am so glad we waited, played and then had kids.

I would suggest you have an open and honest conversation about what you want to do then decide. If he can agree something like 'okay we play til you're 30 , then we start trying and in that time we go to Thailand, Mexico and the North Pole' etc then perhaps you can find a middle ground? And agree how many. I have friends that agreed 'just one' and their lives have hardly changed. Good Luck

No woman should hang round waiting till they're 30 for some bloke to perhaps change his mind when he's told her he doesn't want them. A woman's fertility is limited. In your case, the bloke had nothing to lose because he doesn't have a time limit on fertility. Why should she have to go travelling or humour him in hopes he changes his mind? It could take 3 years to find someone else or put plans in place to go it alone.

I would leave. If you feel you'd like children, you need a partner who is on the same page. It'll cause resentment either way. 💐

No woman should hang round waiting till they're 30 for some bloke to perhaps change his mind when he's told her he doesn't want them.

Agreed. I think there would be a good chance too that OP’s partner would get to that age and then raise it again anyway.

There's no harm in waiting three or four months though is there? OP will feel no regret either way then.

A friend of mine pressured her DH into children even though he didn't want any.

She did the whole "you won't have to get up at night or change any nappies" thing until he gave in.

Terrible move. He does fuck all and she doesn't get a break but she can't mon about it.

If he isn't sure then call it a day now. Most people do want a family. You're young. X

I had endometriosis when I was in 20’s. Was having a scan in late 20’s when Doctor went out room and got chatting to older Phillipino nurse (mention this is I always find the Phillipino ladies I’ve worked with really straight talking and not sure English nurse would have said this out of fear of me complaining) she asked if I wanted a baby. I said yeah I suppose so but situations not right at moment as not sure boyfriend is the one to do that with.
She looked around and quietly said something along the lines of “listen, don’t make the mistake of coming in here in your early 30’s and finding out you can’t have a baby because we see that so often and then we don’t have the time to help them and the end result is very sad . If a baby is important to your life path...,get your life in order ASAP”
I’m not easy offended and new she said it with a good heart and it really stuck with me. After that I suddenly started wanting a baby and I had never before. I was pregnant about 2 years later. I’m so glad she said that to me.

What it boils down to, ultimately, is do you yourself want to have children? If you can't imagine being fulfilled without them, and your DP doesn't want them, then the two or you are not compatible in the long-term. Because you will end up resenting him, especially if the two of you split up once it's too late for you to have children.

But if you're happy to live a childfree life with your DP that's great too. I have friends who love the freedom of not having children and have no regrets.

It's impossible for anyone other than you to make that decision.

@LeftRightCentre

No woman should hang round waiting till they're 30 for some bloke to perhaps change his mind when he's told her he doesn't want them

I agree with you 100%.

@TipseyTorvey

3 years is a long time in and no woman should hang around 3 years to hope a man will change his mind about having kids.

That's 3 years she could have moved on found someone else, got married and had a child.

Your BF didn't have a bio clock to think about. It's very different for women....especially with men being more commitment phobic in general.

I'm a similar age to you. I don't want DC. In your situation I would definitely leave (after having a conversation to clarify that your DP is sure). If DP turned around and had this conversation with me, told me they wanted DC, etc., I would understand that we had to finish and if they didn't instigate it I would. As hard as it is, there's a good chance your DP will understand.

At 27 you have your whole life ahead of you. If you can't imagine your life without children leave. The longer you stay together the harder it will be to untangle your lives.

I've had this. My now husband decided from nowhere a few years in that he definitely didn't ever want marriage or children. Both were a deal breaker for me and he had always known that.

I was heartbroken but I decided to end things as it was non negotiable on my part. He too at that stage wouldn't budge and was also upset.

He eventually proposed a few months later. We got married. We waited to try for a baby but he is so ridiculously broody now.

So it is possible he will come round, but then again he may not. You need to decide if it is a deal breaker for you. If so you have time to start afresh. Hope things do turn out for you.

Just as an update, i had no plans to broach it till at least after the family events, however i couldnt contain it. DP Was visiting his nan yesterday who made some baby comment, so i think it was a bit fresh on his mind when he came home.

He ended up broaching the conversation, lots of crying (by both of us) was done and actually it turns out he isnt so sure. His nephew being born made him re evaluate a little bit, and now hes in a family might be okay sort of place. No definates but it helps alot to know the possibility is still there, and im not alone in my undecidedness.

He has planned a future without children for so long (he also thought hed never get married but now we are engaged) that the whole maybe idea is really scary

In a few heartbreaking moments where i thought he was leaving, i realised how much he means to me. Equally he isnt usually vulnerable so seing him open up about worries was good. We ended up having beans on toast because we were meant to be going for dinner but talked for hours!

I guess we will see how we feel in a year or so. We have no plans to move the engagement foward due to debt anyway.

I feel alot better

Hmmm. So it’s positive but let’s be honest. You are still in the situation where you could be strung along for years with maybes and then get a no. You really need to set a hard deadline on this or decide you are ok either way (but you aren’t - you clearly want children).

Hmm, you can't see it, but anyone over the age of 35 can! This is classic string along. The engagement with no sign of marriage in sight (you can get married with debt, you know, it can be done quite cheaply at the Registry Office), the 'might have kids, might not', the wobbles, the heart-to-hearts with tears and the 'he opened up!'

Look, I'm old enough to have learned this: when a man wants to get married and have kids, he doesn't dick around waiting for years and years.

This has all the classic signs of the Uni/College Sweethearts who spend 10 years together and then drift apart.

I just hope the scales fall from your eyes before too long. He's got forever to change his mind, you don't.

OP just be aware that there are many, many women who get caught in the trap of a man making the right noises about children because they don't want to lose their partner, but still say no when it comes to the crunch.

Xpost with LeftRightCentre - spot on.

You do not need to ‘set a hard deadline’ as if he’s a child late handing in homework.

You should agree together some things you’d like to do before you start trying (ie travelling anywhere with Zika sooner rather than later so you can wait to be in the clear before trying, and I was glad we’d been trekking in the Himalayas when we didn’t have dependants to worry about. We did also end up married with a mortgage before baby, but neither of those things would have been too difficult as a parent whereas there are mountain/adventure situations I’d never put myself in again because you have a bigger responsibility not to die with a baby.), and you should decide together when you’re going to sit down together and reassess both your intentions.

Setting one-sided ultimatums feels like the start of coercion to me, and lots of posters have explained why that’s a bad idea.

Hope it all works out.

The key is that female fertility declines after 35. The decision is really for you to make. If you want children, why are you wasting your time with someone who is unsure if they want children, marriage ? He could say the same thing every year until you are 30, 35, 40, too late...

I left my partner of ten years in
my mid thirties because he wouldn’t have children.
I really loved him but I wanted to be a mother more.

I now have three children. Once I though he was the love of my life but he wasn’t. I have three.

Some will disagree but being a mother eclipses any other kind of love and relationship.

Look at it this way: if you leave him you might never have children but that won’t be because you snuffed your chances out by choosing to stay with someone who wouldn’t have them but for other reasons and they probably won’t be of your choice or making.
If you leave him and have children you will never regret it.

You can’t force him and you can’t lie to yourself
Follow YOUR hopes and dreams. You only get one life.

You are very young still and you say you love him very much. Why don't you decide on a time frame, a year or two or whatever when you will revisit this. If he still really doesn't want children, leave him then. Tell him this is your plan. You will have time to be really sure of what you want and so will he.

Sorry OP just read your update. I standby what I say though

I hope everything works out well for you

I'm in the opposite situation I didn't want to have children but I have fallen pregnant my partner came to terms with me not wanting children. However when I said I am pregnant the way his face lit up was enough for me to want to go ahead. I am so scared of being a bad mum that I wanted it to be out of the equation.. I always said if it happened and I have no good reason to get rid then I wouldn't be able to go through a termination.

Believe me I was the most anti kids person there is. So there is hope for change I think you need to have a proper sit down and tell him it's a deal breaker for you and that you don't want to just have a child if it's just to keep me happy sort of thing.