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Original poster

He doesnt want children. Do i leave

100 replies

Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 14:52

Hello, long story short.
Been together 3 years, live together for 2. Initially had the child conversation which involved a lot of soul searching and it fell to DP erring on the side of no. Me erring on side of yes but both very unsure. I think over time we have both become more sure on our positions.

Everytime i think about children its tinged with heart ache as it basically would mean making the decision to leave. Do i leave for the chance of children which may not hapoy or stay with someone i love but know it will be missing

Im worried we will have children to shut me up and ill resign dp to a life of misery. Friends around us are having babies which is pushing the issue

We love each other. Our lives our totally immeshed. How do you leave someone you love?

Neither of us could afford to live independently. How do you even start to seperate your lives?

I have no idea what i want

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 23/09/2018 16:09

You need to have a proper grown up discussion with him and be prepared to leave him if he really doesn't want kids. Agree with PPs that if you stay with him and not have kids you could well end up resenting him. Or even worse you split when it's too late and he goes on to have kids.

LeftRightCentre · 23/09/2018 16:09

Time to move on. Really. Don't fall for the fallacy of sunken costs, either.

Waddsup12 · 23/09/2018 16:10

I regret the time I spent dithering. DH did not change his mind, it's all fine now but if you really want children, don't let the issue drift.

Vinylsamso · 23/09/2018 16:11

Definitely leave. This may sound crass but we all think we’ll never get over the person we are with at the time but 99% of the time we do. You’ll meet someone else and think the same about them.

habibihabibi · 23/09/2018 16:13

I left a guy who wouldn't commit and had zero interest in family life. He now has kids of his own as well as step children.

Original poster
Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 16:20

I worry that if i push it then we will end up having kids that one of us doesnt want. Has this happened to anyone

OP posts:
Verbena87 · 23/09/2018 16:21

I’m glad I waited as I still think my husband is one of the best people I’ve ever met.

However, I was younger and he was never totally sure and I’d also say this: now I’ve met my child, I’d choose him over my partner in a heartbeat (and I know his dad feels the same about baby-or-me because we’ve laughed about it together).

puguin86 · 23/09/2018 16:23

I would leave. I met my know DH when I was. Mid twenties he was forties. He had been in a long term relationship prior to meeting me for10 years. Always said he didn't want to get married or have children. We were married and I was pregnant within 18 months, something we both wanted.

I know that his previous gf was v upset about it and I can see why tbh.

Honestly I wouldn't have wanted to be her in that position.

PrincessScarlett · 23/09/2018 16:29

OP, lots of men (and women) never feel ready for kids and would happily put them off. My DH was never keen but he never not wanted kids. I had to push to have DC in my early thirties and neither of us have regretted it.

So there's nothing wrong with pushing him but how he reacts will indicate whether you need to leave. If he says to wait another couple of years you need to make it very clear you expect to try for a baby in 2 years.

Out of interest, how old is he?

havanesehope · 23/09/2018 16:30

Left my DP a few weeks before I turned 30 as he didn't want kids or marriage. This was the best decision for me. We were already leading semi independent lives anyway.

Vinylsamso · 23/09/2018 16:35

If you push and it doesn’t all go smoothly he will probably still live the child but it may change his opinion of you and give you something to throw at you or use as an excuse why he doesn’t have to contribute so much to family life. That may be the end of you both as a couple but you’re probably still both be grateful for the child.

Original poster
Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 16:36

34, we have some big family events eg his nephews birthday etc coming up this month which i think will really force the issue. His best friends wife is due after christmas and part of me thinks i could wait it out and see what that brings up.

But ill know there always be another baby, another event etc and his mind might not change. Equally theres gonna be no right time i guess

OP posts:
zucchinicourgette · 23/09/2018 16:36

I don’t think him agreeing to have kids that he doesn’t really want is your biggest concern. Far more likely is if you present this as a dealbreaker for you he will agree to have children in a few years, which will always be a couple of years away until you are too old. He might genuinely mean it, but it still may never happen. (Even people who wholeheartedly want kids sometimes put it off for years).

In your situation it seems like a bigger dilemma than most of the similar threads on hear because you are really quite young and have plenty of time. But there’s no point in sinking more time into this relationship and becoming more financially enmeshed if you will eventually break up over this.

I’m sorry it must be heartbreaking.

Original poster
Britneysfa · 23/09/2018 16:37

Part of me loves hearing those my partner thought they didnt want a baby posts, but that rare right?

OP posts:
bananasandwicheseveryday · 23/09/2018 16:39

A few weeks ago, I accompanied my DC and newborn dgc to the gp. In the waiting room it was just us and a much older lady with her nephew. The lady came right over and sat next to DC who was cradling dgc. The lady asked if she could touch dgc's hand and just sat stroking his hand until we were called in by the gp. She had a look of such longing on her face that it made me feel so sad. Her nephew explained that she had no children of her own and had regretted it all her life, more so since she was widowed. I felt so sad for her.
At your age, you are young enough to find a new relationship with someone who does want children, but the longer you wait, the less likely that becomes. You need to decide whether you can give without children AND without resentment towards you partner. And yes, as unlikely as it may seem Now, how would you feel if your relationship didn't last and he then went on to have children with someone else? I've known quite a few people who chose not to have children and who now regret it, I know very few parents who regret having them.

PrincessScarlett · 23/09/2018 16:42

Having a first child is going into the complete unknown so if you have a happy settled life it can be hard to imagine and scary to think how your nice life will change.

Maybe his best friend having a baby may make him think about things differently. Could you encourage him to talk to his best friend?

womanintrousers · 23/09/2018 16:50

I know the received wisdom is leave and find someone who wants what you want. DH said he didn't want to have kids, but I did so I said fair enough, you are responsible for contraception from now on. I was pregnant 5 months later and was in hospital for 3 months due to complications, he adjusted to it has ended up being the main carer due to my career. Men often don't 'want' a baby the way women do, I would have been happy for him to use condoms out have a vasectomy and then faced my choices accordingly.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 23/09/2018 16:51

Cross posted with your response about your age. In your shoes I'd leave. You still have time to move on, but the years to pass by so quickly. Your first post is very clear that you want children - don't let your opportunity go by.

faeriequeen · 23/09/2018 16:59

I'd look elsewhere. You'll always be wondering otherwise. Or it may focus his mind and make him realise he does want a family.

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 17:02

At 27 you have time to wait until the baby arrives in the new year and see if having a positive (I hope) parenting experience and addition to the family causes him to reflect.

TwinkleTee · 23/09/2018 17:07

Just another angle @Britneysfa . My Dad didn't want to have children and my mum convinced him to have my sister and me. They divorced when we were really little because my dad couldn't handle being a dad. We have a strange relationship my dad and I. He really wasn't cut out for parenthood and it has had a knock on effect on my life and how I see myself.

I left a man when I was 29 who didn't want children and met my now DH 18 months later. 7 years on we now have 2 gorgeous DC's one of which is snoozing beside me. Cute as a button.

Loopytiles · 23/09/2018 17:13

Suggest ending the relationship. You’re clearly just hoping he’ll change his mind.

The odds are well over 50% that you’ll break up at some point anyway. If that’s when you’re in your 30s it’ll be harder for you to meet someone else and have DC, if you still want that. Whereas should he change his mind about DC his chances of becoming a parent with someone else will be better.

Not being able to afford housing alone isn’t a good reason to stay in a relationship.

Loopytiles · 23/09/2018 17:14

Also, you say “partner”, not DH. If you want DC and are not a high earner, marriage first would be sensible.

DoraJar · 23/09/2018 17:40

I wanted a child - DP didn’t. I said I loved him but wanted to break up as it wasn’t going to work - I was sad but clearly no future for us. We’ve now been married 23 years and have 2 DCs. If he hadn’t willingly agreed I would’ve left.

Someone I knew at the time gave the same ultimatum- they broke up (though both moved on and both ended up with new partners (and children!!).

Decide what you want for you.

SandyY2K · 23/09/2018 18:44

I'd leave. You need time to meet someone else...get to know them and decide you want to settle with them.

Don't waste your time in this relationship...it's one thing you can't get back.