Husband doesn't speak to daughter directly

[bluebell2017]

Dd1 started uni a week ago. During this time, we have texted each other several times a day, and had a couple of phone calls. Her younger siblings have been talking to her through social media.
Today, dh asked if I had any "news" about dd1. I replied along the lines of "she seems to be enjoying herself. Why - haven't you spoken to her?".
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His response ran along the lines that I had very strange ideas about how families operate, and that it is pretty much my job to talk to the children and pass on their news to him and he didn't see the point of both us doing this "job". My response was that I thought it was normal for a father to drop a few texts to their daughter when it was their first real time away from home. But apparently I am wrong and "weird" according to him.
I tried to explain that I feel uncomfortable just passing on news about dd1 to him (and the other children, for that matter) when he could just as easily ask them things himself. To me, because his interaction with the children is minimal, it feels almost akin to gossip when I talk to him about things that have been doing. Maybe that is a strange way to feel?
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or advice? Children are 18, 13and 10, if that makes any difference. Dh thinks I turn the children against him, but I really don't think that's true.
He is currently sulking in the next room. May or may not be able to add more later, depending how the afternoon goes. Thanks.

I could probably count on one hand the times my dad made spontaneous contact with me throughout university, travelling etc.
My mum would phone occasionally, usually at ridiculous times in the morning.
I don't often contact my sister even now.
We're a (fairly) normal family, we're just not very communicative until we're all together.
But it's all the other stuff that would concern me too.

Good points by Agent
“This isn’t about him, it’s about you and your inability to prioritise you and your children’s happiness. Expecting the person who benefits from the status quo to change it, is pointless. You need to own staying because only then, can stop making excuses for why you do, which hopefully means you won’t.”

This is just nuts.

Have a 15 yo DD, and while we haven't much in common, we talk all the time - just about her, what she's doing, how she's feeling about school, her friends etc.

Would never occur to me that should be DW's responsibility.

My relationships are my responsibility, no-one else's. If other people want to share stuff with me from conversations they've had, then great.

Op I have to sat ive found this thread so sad. It sounds miserable for everyone

He sounds like the kind of person who never wants to be seen to fail at anything. So even though he quite patently is a failure as a father and a partner, he wants you to provide information about your children which he can then pass on to those he considers important (ie not you and the children) in order to appear like a success. The same goes or your marriage. You're unhappy, you want to split, he doesn't because even though he doesn't care or want to put any effort in, you still fulfilling the role of 'wife' means he hasn't failed at that either. Yet.

You can divorce him. You can separate from him. You don't need his permission. You just need your own.

Just keep re-reading that line about "lives of quiet desperation" - so true.

they separated and my Dad became very depressed and depended on me a lot - a previous poster said this early on in the thread; I have to say that worries me so much as my DH will latch on to either of our DDs if he thinks they are available for a bit of emotional leeching.

Oh and OP, my DH also behaves like all my friends are his friends, I NEVER talk in front of him they all know that now; if anyone comes round he goes into Disney mode and is soooo nice.

When the girls were little I remember saying oh girls your favourite uncle and Dad's best pal X is coming round and my eldest replied "oh yes when Uncle X comes round that's when Dad always pretends that he likes us"

Thanks to all who have responded and given their thoughts. You have given me a lot to think about.

I was thinking about all if this this morning. I know that I am conflict averse and am not the best at communicating if I am not happy with something. Dh a lot more so.

My family background growing up was not an easy one and I sometimes wonder if this affects my judgement of what is "normal". For example, I was the youngest child by quite some way and two of my older siblings fell out with and became estranged from my parents whilst I was at primary school. As a result, I have never had any contact with them in over 25 years.

It dawned on me today that my dh has no idea how many siblings I have, let alone what their names are. Isn't that strange after over 20 years together? He has never asked not wanted to talk about anything like that. He has no idea that I would like to try clay pigeon shooting (a big thing where we live). I doubt I would be any good, but he has no idea I would like to try. I know he thinks it is stupid. But he has no idea what I think.

And I know I could tell him all this stuff. That I would like to go to New York and Iceland ( he fancies neither). But he knows none of this and shows no interest in what I think. That is the point I am trying to make.

I don't think it's too much to have a H who shows an interest in you?

I'll go back and read the full thread now, just wanted to say I understand what you mean and I don't think you're wrong.

We already know he doesn't give a shit about your feelings or what you want.
He's a narc and is only interested in himself.
That is the point I am trying to make
And you are finally making that point to yourself!
The scales are falling from your eyes.
So what now?

"he wants you to provide information about your children which he can then pass on to those he considers important (ie not you and the children) in order to appear like a success."

This is exactly it, what I have been trying to describe. I think he likes to have a bit of "news" so that he has an answer if someone asks " how is your daughter getting on at uni?" (Or whatever)

If he doesn't know, he just makes stuff up rather than admit it. "Dd2 really enjoyed going to the museum" or whatever, when dd2 had the most miserable day ever. That sort of thing. And gets really annoyed if anyone tries to put him straight.

Bluebell I think it's time that you went to Iceland, New York, tried clay pigeon shooting, and lived the life you and your kids deserve. You (all) don't need him, and your lives would be better without him. I feel for you in your realising of that. We're here for you

When the girls were little I remember saying oh girls your favourite uncle and Dad's best pal X is coming round and my eldest replied "oh yes when Uncle X comes round that's when Dad always pretends that he likes us"

Oh Elephant I'm weeping at this 😢

So he's living fantasy family as in his eyes, you guys don't cut it.

He won't ever think you have the gumption or intelligence to leave, I'd be proving him wrong. He might not take it well.

I think your DH likes the idea of having a family, but doesn’t want to put the work in. Just like I quite like the idea of owning a horse, but wouldn’t want to get up at 5am every morning to muck it out. Unfortnately I think quite a lot of men are like this - they want kids but don’t want to sacrifice their hobbies, free time or indeed make any changes to their existing life. Just add in an adoring child who can be wheeled out occasionally like a trophy. The actual childcare is drudgery, so somebody else (some woman) can do that. After all women love all that sort of thing don’t they?

I’d recommend Farmfoods over Iceland, but that’s personal preference... Silliness aside, dump the miserable bastard and get on with living a life you and your DCs would actually enjoy.

He sounds like the worst example of a father and husband without being physically abusive. He has neglected you and dc, gaslights you, demeans you and has zero concern for his dc. Please leave him. This is no life. Can you imagine spending your whole life with this miserable shit? How would you feel on your death bed? Leave him and live your one precious life.

20 years you have spent with this emotionally abusive, cold, disrespectful man. I could weep for you.

Thank you to all who have responded. You have given me lots to think about and made me see some things more clearly. It has been a long process and there are other issues that I haven't gone into, but I think that a break up is clearly on the cards. But because it is a massive decision which will affect the lives of five people, I want to talk it through with someone in real life first. But who do I see? Some sort of counsellor I guess. But I don't want a long drawn out process, going over my childhood and all that. I am confused by all the types of therapy out there. I just want someone who can help me talk things through and help me be satisfied I have made the right decision for the right reasons. So what kind of counsellor do I look for?

Just a regular counsellor, make sure they are BACP registered. Not CBT or psychotherapy, just counselling. You can have as many (or as few) sessions as you feel you need.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#.W6lCYSLTWEd Just a regular counsellor, make sure they are BACP registered. Not CBT or psychotherapy, just counselling.

Argh sorry for semi duplicate post. Had an issue with paragraphs! I blame the website.

Thanks. I'll have a look.

bluebell you can book yourself in to see a Relate counsellor on your own to talk about if you should end the marriage. I think that would be better for you than a general counsellor.

He has no idea how many siblings you have?after 20 years?

My diagnosis: your husband is a miserable,self centered bastard who is never wrong,about ANYTHING! Who the bell stays out almost every night and skips all school related functions? Get.the.hell.away.from.him