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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband doesn't speak to daughter directly

151 replies

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 14:16

Dd1 started uni a week ago. During this time, we have texted each other several times a day, and had a couple of phone calls. Her younger siblings have been talking to her through social media.
Today, dh asked if I had any "news" about dd1. I replied along the lines of "she seems to be enjoying herself. Why - haven't you spoken to her?".
T
His response ran along the lines that I had very strange ideas about how families operate, and that it is pretty much my job to talk to the children and pass on their news to him and he didn't see the point of both us doing this "job". My response was that I thought it was normal for a father to drop a few texts to their daughter when it was their first real time away from home. But apparently I am wrong and "weird" according to him.
I tried to explain that I feel uncomfortable just passing on news about dd1 to him (and the other children, for that matter) when he could just as easily ask them things himself. To me, because his interaction with the children is minimal, it feels almost akin to gossip when I talk to him about things that have been doing. Maybe that is a strange way to feel?
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or advice? Children are 18, 13and 10, if that makes any difference. Dh thinks I turn the children against him, but I really don't think that's true.
He is currently sulking in the next room. May or may not be able to add more later, depending how the afternoon goes. Thanks.

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 23/09/2018 15:10

Hmmm this is a strange one. My dh doesnt really do texting. He texts me but not really anyone else. He is a really pro active parent but can’t imagine him texting much once they’ve left home. We do obv chat a lot about what they’re up to etc tho.

HiHoToffee · 23/09/2018 15:14

Yes try a family whatsapp group. He will probably not engage with it but at least he cannot complain about being left out.
In the end it is his loss.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 15:22

I have to wonder how much your kids would care, really, if you left this guy. He doesn't seem to care for them at all, not in any real sense.

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 15:29

I know they wouldn't mind if I left him.
Dh says that I have turned the children against him, but I think he did that all by himself. It's just that we had a bit of a row earlier today about him talking to dd1 or not and sometimes I doubt myself.
He says he tries to be nice to us, but we don't appreciate it.

OP posts:
Omeletteandbeans · 23/09/2018 15:30

I don't have any helpful advice but I think this is really sad and I hope it's not normal. I tend to have the newsy conversations with my mum (with the expectation that she will pass on anything interesting to my dad) but I also talk to/whatsapp/email my dad loads, about all sorts of random things. I fully expect DH to be the same with our future children and I would be upset and baffled if he wasn't.

I know not everyone has a great relationship with their parents and not all fathers stick around but your DH is right there! I think it's desperately sad that he doesn't want that sort of relationship with his daughter.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 15:32

Do you love him?

Graphista · 23/09/2018 15:40

He sounds a dreadful excuse for a father and frankly I'm shocked it seems to have taken you up to 18 years to realise!

I've shit parents in many aspects but one aspect of my relationship with my father that I do enjoy is our conversations. He has always been just as likely to call/text us as mum is.

Also looking at my friends relationships with their fathers (and indeed step fathers) they chat away to them as much as they do their mums.

You haven't turned them against him he's made no effort to build a relationship with them by the sound of things.

GrumpyOlderBloke · 23/09/2018 15:48

I would certainly get irritated if I were being pressured into a telephone 'chat'. I loathe telephone conversations. I tolerate telephone calls to pass on or exchange essential information. I only send text messages to pass on urgent and essential information. With one notable exception, my male acquaintances are much the same.

But we are all Baby Boomers and STEM bods.

But Sulking in his room? That is the odd bit, otherwise, @Thingsdogetbetter and @vdbfamily describe ‘normality’ to me.

I rarely have any interest in the topics my wife chatters about with our sons. She has no interest whatsoever in the inane emails we exchange. Youtube videos of Commer Knockers in Australia and subsequent discussion about fitting tuned pipes of interest to anyone?

She likes to talk to them ‘live’ at least weekly. They have learned to accept this and are remarkably tolerant of it. I’m content with monthly ‘proof of life’ emails. But I do listen politely when she summarises her conversations with them.

She frets if they don’t answer their phone. I don’t even expect a reply to most emails.

We all have the location feature enabled on our telephones so I occasionally check Google Maps to find out where they are. They do travel a bit. She likes to 'check in' all her 'chicks' last thing each night.

To me @bluebell2017 sounds like a teenager - we have texted each other several times a day, and had a couple of phone calls in the first week! Ye Gods that would have irritated to bejasus out of our sons. Our teenage nieces don't do that!

But then I don’t understand my wife having 2 hour conversations with her sister when it seems she relives her day in real-time. Even more bewildering to me is they will have the same 2 hour conversation the day before we are due to visit. What on earth can be left to talk about for the rest of the weekend?

This isn't a new or unusual phenomenon. It's the sulking that is unusual and worrying.

There was an advert back in the previous millennium for BT based on this exact scenario. Female undergraduate phones home from a telephone box in hall. Dad picks up the phone recites telephone number, recognises daughter's voice and immediately says 'I'll fetch Mum'. After several repeats of this daughter eventually persuades Dad to talk to her. Cue very stilted conversation!

'It's Good to Talk' was the strap-line as I recall

It was specifically aiming at men of a certain age to try to get them to 'chat' on the telephone - without conspicuous success apparently.

I don't want to fall into the Mars/Venus or 'wife-work' trap but, à chacun son goût.

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 16:04

But it's not just about chatting on the phone. It is about communicating in any way. Dh treats me like some sort of intermediary between him and our children.
I guess the responses to this suggest that it is normal for some families to be like that. Which is fine, I guess, if everyone is okay with that.

OP posts:
MaryBoBary · 23/09/2018 16:06

Honestly, if my parents hadn’t separated just before I went to Uni I doubt I would have ever spoken to my dad either. I wouldn’t want to repeat myself to my parents when I could speak to one and expect them to pass that on. It seems odd to me to try and regiment that? Also my parents are quite traditional/old fashioned in that way as it sounds your DH is. As it happens I spoke to both regularly because they weren’t living together.

EmilyRosiEl · 23/09/2018 16:08

Maybe he could just be passed the phone next time you speak to DD?

MaryBoBary · 23/09/2018 16:09

OP from reading your posts he sounds even more like my Dad. Honestly I don’t think I would really have a relationship with my Dad if he was still like that now. Like I said, they separated and my Dad became very depressed and depended on me a lot which changed our relationship for the better. He is relying on you which is fine if that’s what he wants and your children are happy with that, but if you ever separated he would have a lot of hard graft to do to get that relationship that he currently takes for granted (or just has via you).

MaryBoBary · 23/09/2018 16:12

Sorry again, I’m typing as I read the thread. Your other comment that your children wouldn’t be bothered if you separated is exactly how I felt. I was actually pleased as it would mean no more formalities with my Dad. He needs to her very careful that it isn’t too late with them.

NotTheFordType · 23/09/2018 16:12

Oh OP.

I hope you can find the strength to leave him.

YearOfYouRemember · 23/09/2018 16:13

He's not a good dad or a decent husband.

PandorasBag · 23/09/2018 16:14

My father - now dead - was like that. In retrospect it seems likely he had high functioning autism. (As well as a bad case of chauvinist piggery.)

Atalune · 23/09/2018 16:17

My dad was like this.

We didn’t have any kind of relationship at all.

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 16:22

I do worry that dh and dd1 (and the other children, for that matter) will have no sort of relationship with their father as they grow up. I guess dh worries about that, too. But he blames me for that and says that I try to turn the children against him.

Something I gave noticed is that when dh talks about his family, he is usually referring to his parents and siblings. H3 says things like they are his "actual family", and I should know what that means and not get offended. He will chat to them, uses whatsapp with his siblings. Just not his wife of 20 years and children. Not sure if these things are significant or not.

OP posts:
proudestofmums · 23/09/2018 16:22

I remember when I was at boarding school in the 60s (so no mobile phones or internet) each of my parents routinely wrote to me each week. Her letters were full of news, his were just full of fun and nonsense and love and made me laugh! ID have thought it odd if only one of them wrote. And now both DH and I text DS when we each happen to feel like it, because we both want to stay in touch

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 23/09/2018 16:23

You are not the problem and any issue with your DH relationship with his DC is down to him. Bizarre that he sees it as your ‘job’ to communicate with the DC and provide him
updates. Your not his employee..... I am surprised with his DD his relationship isn’t closer. May sound sexist but my OH adores his DD and they may argue a lot (she is 15) however they talk a lot. Probably more so than with the boys...although they do rugby chat instead

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 23/09/2018 16:25

Just read your recent update and it gets worse. So his real family are his siblings and parents and they have a what’s app group. So what are you and the DC then to him? Dear god I would chuck him out until he got his priorities right.... your relationship isn’t sounding great or his with his DC

youlethergo · 23/09/2018 16:26

My dad is like this.

He needs to send time with each child one on one. Taking an interest. Less cycling, more parenting. It's a time thing.

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 16:29

He doesn't use Whatsapp with his parents. They don't have a computer or anything. Heck, a tv remote us a bit much for them.
But he does have whatsapp chats with his siblings and with his friends from his cycling club. It isn't simply a case if him not being chatty. It is more that he can't be bothered to talk to his children. Or at least he gives a very good impression of someone who feels that way.

OP posts:
pilates · 23/09/2018 16:33

That’s sad. You get out what you put in. He can’t blame you for that.

twattymctwatterson · 23/09/2018 16:33

Living with this man sounds miserable. What do you love about him op? Do you love him?

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