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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't speak to daughter directly

151 replies

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 14:16

Dd1 started uni a week ago. During this time, we have texted each other several times a day, and had a couple of phone calls. Her younger siblings have been talking to her through social media.
Today, dh asked if I had any "news" about dd1. I replied along the lines of "she seems to be enjoying herself. Why - haven't you spoken to her?".
T
His response ran along the lines that I had very strange ideas about how families operate, and that it is pretty much my job to talk to the children and pass on their news to him and he didn't see the point of both us doing this "job". My response was that I thought it was normal for a father to drop a few texts to their daughter when it was their first real time away from home. But apparently I am wrong and "weird" according to him.
I tried to explain that I feel uncomfortable just passing on news about dd1 to him (and the other children, for that matter) when he could just as easily ask them things himself. To me, because his interaction with the children is minimal, it feels almost akin to gossip when I talk to him about things that have been doing. Maybe that is a strange way to feel?
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or advice? Children are 18, 13and 10, if that makes any difference. Dh thinks I turn the children against him, but I really don't think that's true.
He is currently sulking in the next room. May or may not be able to add more later, depending how the afternoon goes. Thanks.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 19:50

Do you think it's healthy for your children to be brought up in a home with him, OP? I think I'd feel pretty neglected if I lived with him.

HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 19:51

You've been asked whether you love him. Do you?

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 20:01

No, I don't love him. I don't even really like him, if I'm honest.

For years, I used to think it was okay for me not to be happy, if that was the price I had to pay to keep the children happy. But I don't even think the children are happy with things the way they are.

Sure, they're happy enough on a day to day basis and have friends and interests. But dd1 has given up with ever expecting anything from dh, dd2 is nearly there and dd3 still wants to try. Which is heart breaking in itself.

I mean, I think people can change. But that depends on them wanting to change as a prerequisite. And I don't think that dh sees he is doing anything wrong. As I have said, he barely interacts with or shows any interest in the children. But he blames me for turning them against him.

Thus whole post wad prompted by a mini row where he said that I was weird with my expectations .

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 23/09/2018 20:04

OP, I will ask you straight out - will you consider leaving him, for the good of your children, and yourself?

bluesky45 · 23/09/2018 20:05

If I just have general chit chat I speak to my mum. I only message or phone my dad directly if I have a specific reason. And it works the other way too. I don't think it's particularly unusual. And if I then spoke to my dad about something I had already spoken to my mum about he would know what I was on about so obviously my mum tells him what we say, which is totally fine. I don't have secrets I tell my mum that my dad can't know! I just chat with my mum more. I think it's pretty normal within my friendship group. We are mid 20s and it has been thus way since we went to uni aged 18.

eddielizzard · 23/09/2018 20:14

Are you in a position to leave? I think he's emotionally abusive.

subspace · 23/09/2018 20:18

So you don't like him, your DDs don't like him, and it sounds like he doesn't much like any of you.

He us an absent father. What precisely apart from the no longer requested sperm donations does he contribute to the family?

Will your lives be any worse if he weren't in them?

rageymcrageface · 23/09/2018 20:25

Usually dd1 goes with me to watch her siblings if they are ever in a show or anything because she feels bad for them that their dad never goes.

What a shame that your teenage daughter feels she has to substitute for a crap dad. At least she inherited your conscience and not his.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 23/09/2018 20:29

I'd be leaving based on the 'calm' voice alone....my XH used to do this (also the unilateral decision making on big decisions) and it was gaslighting, pure and simple. Silly little woman face, being silly again. Well, fuck that. Sounds like you and the kids would be better off without him.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 23/09/2018 20:31

He sounds a lot lije my dp. It wouldnt occur to him to phone dd or ask how his nieces are. He will however ask me.

He struggles to engage with dc past banter and dad jokes..........it's become a lot more apparent since theyve got older and past the playing games / park stage (( which he was brilliant at )) he'll take ds on long walks and it wouldnt occur to him to chat.

He infuriates me (( recently told his dad he'd visit but didnt go as it was pouring with rain. It didnt occur to ring his dad to tell him he wasnt going. Then still wouldnt when I had a massive go at him, instead he stropped off in the rain. ))

He's very socially odd.......I don't see itbas his fault because i'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum (( both dc are )) I feel sorry for him, he does try but anything outside of scripted converations he struggles with. In fact he's just gone out, it didnt occur to him to put his head round the door first amd say where to or when he'll be back

Moaning will be pointless, however when ds moves out (( into supported living )) I won't be hanging around. I've been saving up to leave for the past 5 years and now have 20k squirrelled away to start up elsewhere. It isnt his fault but I really couldnt live here without the dcs to bounce off and engage with.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 21:16

"Will your lives be any worse if he weren't in them?" Good question. I doubt it. In fact, I think our lives would probably be better, certainly in the long term.

So why stay? Hard to say. Another good question.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 23/09/2018 22:51

You sound worn down and miserable Flowers

Elephant14 · 24/09/2018 00:38

bluebell you appear to be married to my husband. He doesn't talk to the kids as I have "turned them against" him. He only speaks to tell them off or complain. One day he was having a go at me and I said "would you be ok if one of our DDs' husbands talked to her like that?" and without missing a beat he said "I hope you will teach our daughters how to treat their husbands properly".

Youngest DD was crying at school one day saying "My daddy doesn't love me". He was ok till eldest was nearly 3, then he just opted out. The girls cannot bear to be in the same room with him, if he comes in to watch TV they get up and walk out. We tie ourselves in knots now trying to avoid him, no more family day trips to the beach, if I said he was going they would refuse. Of course, its all my fault. And in a way it is, as I have let this go on for so many years, we've been married 30 years, eldest DD is 18 and can't wait to leave.

Elephant14 · 24/09/2018 00:40

Sorry posted too soon. I am now making plans to leave, I've seen a solicitor. Whats your financial and housing situation OP?

SpiritedSoul · 24/09/2018 00:45

Not normal for sure.
(His lack of communication with his own kids)

Havaina · 24/09/2018 01:02

When dh talks to me, It's always in this very "calm", voice. Like he is the voice of reason and I am irrational and over-emotional. "Look, I just don't understand why you are like this. Why can't you just talk to me?"

This sounds like gaslighting to me. I agree, he is emotionally abusive. A bit of a cliche now, but it sounds like death by a thousand paper cuts.

Sashkin · 24/09/2018 01:19

My dad was like this. Not malicious or abusive, just fundamentally uninterested in us.

In his case I think it was sexism - he was ok while we were small and cute, but after about age 5 he started to find us boring. He liked the idea of having a family, but didn’t feel any need to interact with us. Family life was women’s stuff, and he essentially thought that children were beneath his notice. I suspect that if I had been a more “princessy” child I might have been able to maintain his interest for a bit longer, but unfortunately I was just a normal child.

He didn’t come to any school events or parents evenings either - that was women’s work too, even when it was an awards ceremony or something. He just didn’t feel that it had anything to do with him. He would have made an excellent Victorian patriarch, shaking our hands at Christmas and otherwise leaving everything up to the governess.

Anyway, he died when I was 10 and it made absolutely zero impact on our lives. My little brother hadn’t yet given up on getting his attention, and was devastated. Nobody else really cared. His funeral was tiny. It was pretty sad for a young man to be so little missed, but it was his own doing.

AgentJohnson · 24/09/2018 02:52

You’re asking the wrong question, it isn’t ‘Is this normal?’, it’s ‘why have I put up with this for so long’? This is who he is, has always been and the really curious thing is you expecting him to be different. He hides behind blaming you to excuse his choices and you’ve hidden behind ‘Staying for the kids’ to explain away your decision to not limit you and your kids exposure to a miserable home life.

This isn’t about him, it’s about you and your inability to prioritise you and your children’s happiness. Expecting the person who benefits from the status quo to change it, is pointless. You need to own staying because only then, can stop making excuses for why you do, which hopefully means you won’t.

Catastic · 24/09/2018 03:10

Blaming you for his choices is very wrong.

When DD was overseas, DH and I both chatted and messaged her at various times. We would fill each other in on how she was doing, but I can't even imagine him not keeping in contact with her.

He also attends all the school events with me.

I don't feel this is anything special. It's just the nature of their relationship and how we parent. Your DH really should not blame you when he chose to disengage for years. And sulking about it is really childish.

In saying that, I get what the other posters are saying about their relationship with their own fathers. Mine was similar and I very rarely text or chat with him but we do get along well.

I think the difference here though is your DH is blaming you for the relationships he chose not to have.

Snipples · 24/09/2018 03:29

My dad doesn't have a mobile - he hates the idea of them. Or Facebook or any of that. Mum has all the tech going so I keep in touch with her and then she tells dad what's going on. When I go home to visit or Skype or whatever I speak to both parents but mostly Mum (just because she chats on about every little thing). I still feel close to my dad as we talk in real life when I see him.

The arrangement your husband has is odd and more like he can't be bothered as he is choosing to contact friends on WhatsApp but not his own child.

subspace · 24/09/2018 07:52

@Elephant14 how tough that sounds for you and the kids. Sounds like leaving really is best for you.

@Bluebell how are you doing this morning?

I imagine all these patriarch men who have been left will sit in a rocking chair with a pipe next to an unlit fireplace and feel slightly bemused that their previously well behaved wife behaved so disgracefully as to leave him. What shame she has cast upon him. Occasionally, he will remember that he has children, and blame ex wifey for his loss of contact with them, rather than pick up the phone himself. If he's lucky, he'll have a housekeeper come in to cook and clean, if not he'll have to find another woman to do it, and how tiresome it will be to do all that fake wooing nonsense again. He really thought that was all he had to do, when he stopped bothering with it 20 years ago.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 24/09/2018 11:12

I sometimes think my girlfriend saved her ex's relationship with his daughters by throwing him out. It was very much as OP describes. It was all 'her job.'

When he was living on his own and couldn't rely on her to be a go-between he was forced to build his own relationship with them. He's far closer to them now than he was when he lived with them, strangely. They're 4 & 8 though - it sounds like that ship might have sailed with OPs husband and daughters :(

glagdy · 24/09/2018 11:19

You poor love op. So much time where you could have been happier.

I think if you left you'd be shocked at how happy you feel and how ground down you are by his man.

itbemay · 24/09/2018 11:27

My DH is always ringing my 18yo DD for chats, to find out how she's doing etc and texting, as much as me, do does her brother and ss. It's being a family. I find it odd that your DH has said that.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2018 11:31

How have you remained married to such a stupid man for so long?
Well quite!!!!!
Good point made earlier on.
You say yourself you don't love him. Don't like him.
Neither do your DC.
So why are you still there putting everyone in this horrible environment?
He may have to interact a bit more if you kicked him out and he had to have sole access on occasion!?
But don't live this half life.
Life can be way too short.
And it's far too short to live like this.
He's a cock of the highest order.
Time for you and your DC to be happy in your home and relaxed!