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Original poster

Husband doesn't speak to daughter directly

151 replies

bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 14:16

Dd1 started uni a week ago. During this time, we have texted each other several times a day, and had a couple of phone calls. Her younger siblings have been talking to her through social media.
Today, dh asked if I had any "news" about dd1. I replied along the lines of "she seems to be enjoying herself. Why - haven't you spoken to her?".
T
His response ran along the lines that I had very strange ideas about how families operate, and that it is pretty much my job to talk to the children and pass on their news to him and he didn't see the point of both us doing this "job". My response was that I thought it was normal for a father to drop a few texts to their daughter when it was their first real time away from home. But apparently I am wrong and "weird" according to him.
I tried to explain that I feel uncomfortable just passing on news about dd1 to him (and the other children, for that matter) when he could just as easily ask them things himself. To me, because his interaction with the children is minimal, it feels almost akin to gossip when I talk to him about things that have been doing. Maybe that is a strange way to feel?
Just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or advice? Children are 18, 13and 10, if that makes any difference. Dh thinks I turn the children against him, but I really don't think that's true.
He is currently sulking in the next room. May or may not be able to add more later, depending how the afternoon goes. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 16:35

He doesn't spend much one on one time, either. He is out maybe 4 or 5 nights per week and has been ever since dd1 was a baby. And out until around 2pm on Saturdays and Sundays with the cycling club.
He does have another hobby which is quite unusual and probably a bit "outing". He has tried, with varying degrees of success, to get the children interested too. But now they tend to go as infrequently as they can manage, because basically that don't especially enjoy it and would rather do other things. It is a sport, by the way. But an unusual one.

OP posts:
Nondescriptname · 23/09/2018 16:39

It's not normal for him to expect a lot of in-person stuff to be relayed via you.

If he thinks you 'turn the kids against him' he should do something about it, like communicate with them.

Weird that he's happy to use WhatsApp groups, just not with his kids. Also weird that he wouldn't send DD a text just to say, Hope things are going okay, even if he's not the chatty type.

Nondescriptname · 23/09/2018 16:41

Maybe he could take an interest in what the kids actually like doing, instead?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 16:45

When is your H ever home?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?.

Its not you, its him and he is delegating his responsibility here to you and treats you as his employee. He does not have a relationship with his children does he. Would you want your children to have a relationship like this, like you describe?.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2018 16:46

At uni I nearly always spoke to my Mum (pre-texting days), we were closer than Dad and I. I did do a few things with Dad when I was home (go out walking together) so there was a bit of a bond.

Your DH def. needs to sort out his relationship with your DCs before it's too late. As he's sulking right now Confused, I'd wait until he's less grumpy and then have a chat. Simply explain that you're not trying to turn the children against him and that he can certainly build closer relationships with them - but it's up to him to do so!

HE's the adult, he needs to reach out to them. Perhaps he could do something individually with each of them? Say you'll completely back him up and leave him to it.

My DH does Cubs with DS and he took DD on holiday over the summer. DS and I went away somewhere else and we all enjoyed that one-to-one time.

Could your DH visit DD at uni one weekend? Take her out for a meal, go sight-seeing? My parents did this and it was fun seeing them individually.

TheProvincialLady · 23/09/2018 16:46

He sounds utterly appalling. I wouldn’t relay information about your DD to him. It’s the ultimate wifework. He needs to put the emotional Labour into his own relationships.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 16:49

bluebell

Re your comment:-

"I know they wouldn't mind if I left him".

And what did you think when you heard that from your children?. They probably wonder of you why you have stayed with him at all.

SherbetSorbet · 23/09/2018 16:50

I was about to say this is pretty normal in my family. My Dad, Husband and Brothers never keep in touch with anyone, it's the wives that do that but your updates tell a different story. I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 16:51

And sulking is really another form of emotional abuse. The responsibility for that is all his. Do not try and jolly him out of this either but ignore him.

womanintrousers · 23/09/2018 16:52

It's his choice and behaving this way will damage his relationship. My dad was like this and I forget he exists most of the time, but text DM every day. Honestly, since they divorced I have to remind myself to call him once a month or so.

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 17:01

I saw the line "lives of quiet desperation" the other day. It wasn't the first time I ever read it, but I thought "that's me".
Truth be told, I do want to leave my husband. I am trying to pluck up the courage to do so. I feel I get very little out of the relationship. Whenever I try to talk about things I am always told that I am imagining things or I am oversensitive or flat-out wrong. So I have given up trying to talk.
I got a bit upset today because I can see how poor the relationship between dd1 and dh is. Someone suggested he spend a weekend alone with her. I can think of little dd1 would enjoy less.
Last night, I got a text from a good friend I hadn't heard from in a while. I made excuses for not calling back until later this week because I never feel I can chat comfortably when dh is around. And I felt crap about that, too.

OP posts:
PilarTernera · 23/09/2018 17:02

He is out most evenings, presumably out at work most weekdays, and out doing a hobby half the weekend. Sounds like he is just not bothered about family life and his interests lie elsewhere.

Charley50 · 23/09/2018 17:02

I literally never had a normal conversation with my dad. (He was also emotionally abusive). When I grew up I saw him maybe once a year. There was no relationship there.

Where families have involved dads, I am amazed. Would have loved that for myself. I haven't made great relationship decisions.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 23/09/2018 17:03

He expects you to appreciate him being nice?!

Charley50 · 23/09/2018 17:03

OP - your last post is very sad. Thanks

Butterfly44 · 23/09/2018 17:06

It's not weird. But to some it is because people have different levels of contact and communication. And it depends much on how their own family unit was growing up,
My father is the same, I'm in my 40s now and do t care if I never speak to him. We're not close and he doesn't really know me. He felt it was all up to my mum to do all of that.
The kids dad is better, but still not great. He will speak to son (9) more as they talk gaming then our girl (12). He has said before he felt it was my fault but fails to get he's the adult - his relationship with her is up to him. It does upset me that she isn't close to her dad, especially when I see some great dads doting on their girls. I think some just don't know how to do it. Perhaps feel awkward because they are growing up etc....
I would love them to have a dad that was interested in them as much as me....to want to know who their friends are etc. So that makes me sad. We've separated largely because of communication. Ours was rubbish and he couldn't see or rectify it.
In the end we are just different emotionally.

Penguin34 · 23/09/2018 17:06

I love my dad to bits and he does me, I absolutely know he's there for me at all times.
I'm 35 now and we've never really chatted in the phone or text. If I ever called the house he would say hello, how are you and do you want your Mum.
It's never made me feel alienated.
I call my mum and gossip though.
My dads not a chatty on the phone type man and although he knows how to text he doesn't really, im sure he doesn't know what's WhatsApp or messenger is.
If I wanted to talk to my dad he would in a second, if I needed him he'd be there in a second too - not texting/calling me to chat since I left Home hasn't made me think he loves me any less than my mum who you can't get off the phone sometimes

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 17:07

Dh also complained that I didn't tell him straight away what dd1's a-level results were. And he had to call several times before I answered and let him know. And he found that hurtful.

I explained that she was disappointed and I didn't want to break off to call him. What I didn't say was that she wasn't comfortable telling him because their relationship is so strained. And she was in floods of tears thinking that he would gloat and say she wasn't as clever as all that.

(And really, her results are fine and she got into her insurance place. And better results than dh managed. But, on the day, it didn't feel like that to her)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 17:09

Bluebell

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

You do not all have to live "lives of quiet desperation", no not at all. You get nothing really out of this relationship do you?. And what does that tell you. Your own relationship with your also H is piss poor. Your DD does not have much if any relationship with her dad for bloody good reason actually. He is also very much a product of his own repressed upbringing.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. This man you are with puts his hobbies and friends first and foremost with you people, his family, well down the pecking order. He treats you like a serf and expects full obedience and compliance.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2018 17:12

Op, your last post suggests that he's comfortable playing the "child" role in a family with his parents and siblings- but he's not mature enough/willing to step up and act like a parent himself.

Sorry mate, if you have children, you have to act like an adult parent!

ZorbaTheHoarder · 23/09/2018 17:12

OP, your life, and that of your children, would be infinitely better without this joy-sucker in it!

How can he care so little about his own children that he can't be bothered to talk to them? They will be very aware of how he feels (through his actions) and it won't be doing them any good.

You sound very worn down by the whole situation and who could blame you? Don't you see that life would (and should) be a lot more enjoyable without having someone constantly refusing to engage with his own family, or blaming you for his own shortcomings?

Strike out on your own, without him, and things will get a lot better. It sounds as though he would barely notice your absence. Surely you deserve better than that?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2018 17:14

I meant your post before the A-levels one.

Having now seen the Al-levels one, I think you should tell him to grow up or piss off. What a wanker, truly unbelievable behaviour.

subspace · 23/09/2018 17:21

Gosh his relationship with them sounds weird and old-fashioned. What do the kids think? Maybe they're used to it and don't expect to be in touch with him?

I was recently talking about my days in uni and how I still remember that all my flatmates had the same, totally different relationship with their fathers to me and mine. If my parents rang/I rang home I'd speak to both my mum and my dad and be on the phone for 1-2 hours. For all of my flatmates however, if parents rang it was always their mum, and when they rang home if their father answered it was always "oh hello, how are you? I'll get your mother". Their calls were much shorter than mine, 20-30 minutes or so. I put it down to my dad giving up work to look after me when I was a baby and me being close to them both. So his behaviour is perhaps consistent with the norm for our parents generation, but maybe not ours, IYSWIM?

Original poster
bluebell2017 · 23/09/2018 17:28

When dh talks to me, It's always in this very "calm", voice. Like he is the voice of reason and I am irrational and over-emotional. "Look, I just don't understand why you are like this. Why can't you just talk to me?"
But really, I am not a dramatic or hysterical sort of person. I am quite reserved really.
The thing about not wanting to chat with my friend when dh is around.. it's as if he tries to show everyone what a great guy he is. As if my friends are actually his friends. Perhaps that makes me sound a bit mad. Isn't he just trying to be friendly?
I guess this is what drove me to post this afternoon. Sometimes I do wonder if I am the one with the problem, after all.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 17:30

Sadly his children are used to this from him, they have had many years of such from him.

His behaviour is consistent with someone who is supremely selfish rather than it being consistent with the "norm" for our parents generation.

I sincerely hope Bluebell that you can find some gumption within your own self to get this man once and for all out of your day to day life.