Rape in relationship

[Newmammy123]

This is not the first time it's happened but last night when my fiance came to bed I pretended to be asleep. Thinking I was in a deep sleep he pulled down my pj bottoms and underwear and turned away, next thing I hear him go in his top drawer and pull out a condom, I listened to him opening the packet and putting it on. I started to 'stir' to see if he would freak out and stop what he was about to do but he didn't. I wanted to see how far he'd take it and he proceeded to have sex with me. I moved straight away pulled my clothes up and didn't say a word. I've had a baby 8 weeks ago and he knows I am not ready to have sex yet even though he keeps nagging and grabbing me daily. What do i do? I have a baby girl and I want to teach her to respect herself, care for herself and to feel strong enough to walk away if she needs to, but I don't think I can practice what I preach :(

My partner loves me, he would never in a million years do this to me. For the sake of your daughter, run as fast and far as you can. Good luck OP

@courtney555 - thank you for explaining, that was very helpful.

Ah darling I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's rape no doubt about it. The whole it's not rape if it's love is bullshit. Kick him out n tell everyone. You have nothing, and I mean Nothing to be ashamed of. Having being raped myself by a "partner" I know the best thing you can do to help with the healing is to take control back. Part of that is not keeping quiet about his actions. And they are his actions. He choose to do that and as such he needs to live with the consequences. It's up to you if u phone the police but please get some RL support. Sending big hugs your way lovely. If you want to pm.me feel free having been in the same situation as u. Only difference
was I was wide awake. But as far as I'm concerned it makes no difference if you are awake or asleep. No means no. End of xxx

I am honestly raging on your behalf xx

The tea video someone posted above is a good accurate educative video on sex and consent. Believe me, I'm a barrister who specialises in sexual violence crime.

OP he needs to understand a healthy sex life is based on mutual respect and freely given consent by both of you at the time you have sex. Being in a relationship is not a pre signed general consent.

Take care of yourself, only you can decide next steps but your priority must be your safety.

This. Is. Rape.

My exH did this to me many times and I did not understand it to be rape at the time. Your partner feels entitled to your body over and above your consent. This will not stop.

Fucking hell op. How are you this morning? That's awful, I'm so so sorry- I've had a similar experience that involved forced anal unfortunately.

I know I struggled afterwards for a long time and I hope you have a friend to confide in. If not, use us on here.

What he did was attempt (and succeed) in raping you- even though you pulled away, he still criminally violated you.

I'm so sorry to derail but @LyndorCake your post made me feel sick.

TRIGGER WARNING

@LyndorCake

lying down and not fighting back is a survival instinct. I'm s survivor of childhood SA and I learned that resistance was futile, so I learned to lie still and tell myself that it was a nightmare and I would wake up soon.

If I fought back, it would hurt more.

And yes, an adult woman would have more ability to fight back than a child, but the same principle still applies. You learn that if you fight against what's happening, it will hurt more, whereas if you lie still and don't resist it will be over more quickly.

So it is not about self-esteem at all, but about survival. Obviously there has been a lot of damage to my self-esteem, but not because of lying down and letting it happen.

Sorry for being so blunt, but your post has really riled me.

I'm so sorry to derail but @LyndorCake your post made me feel sick

I agree. Horrible victim blaming post.

Also one that fails to understand the legal position on consent.

LyndorCake post also annoyed me as I said I just lied there and let him do it. I was so shocked and scared my body would just freeze but thanks for blaming me!

I've reported it. It's got no place being on this thread or on Mumsnet at all.

I'm basing my comments on my own experiences. I'm sorry if this doesn't come across how I mean it, it does to me. Im applauding OP for fighting back! What is wrong with that?

Because lots of people don't and that doesn't equate 'strength'.

Your comments will make a lot of people feel like shit.

I'm basing my comments on my own experiences. They are YOUR experiences, not anyone else's. You simply cannot say that not fighting in all cases is because of low self esteem.

As others have said, it's victim blaming. Would you be criticizing op if she didn't "fight back"? You probably would.

Exactly, glagdy I see my strength in the fact that I survived and built an adult life for myself, with a happy marriage and 2 adopted DDs, who are now 9 and 6. The same is true of many women who have survived such ordeals and made a success of their lives afterwards.

It isn't ever right to comment on a woman's self-esteem, you know nothing about that.

Actually shocked, he is and has been raping you OP, what decent man wants sex with a woman who is unconscious, only a rapist, I hope to god you have him charged and put away so he can never do this to you or any other woman ever again.

It really is drummed into women to always be polite and kind, and put themselves last. Even in this case, OP is being encouraged by some posters to empathise with her rapist, and understand it from his view. Fucking sickening.

I am so sorry you are having to cope with this. I imagine that I am a good few years older than you and put up with it because I thought I had to. He also used to masturbate and make me watch which still makes me feel sick if I think about it. It is many years now since he died and the memories I have are graphic and disturbing. I am so pleased that there is information telling women that they don't have to put up with it..Jolly good luck to you.

Don't resign from your job. Call in sick tomorrow, report the occasions this has happened to the police and perhaps have a friend or family member with you for support and pack his bags and don't let him home. He is a danger to you and your baby. He has no respect she knows what he is doing. He is waiting for you to sleep in order to do it and when you've just had a baby. If he was doing this before pregnancy, sorry but why did you have a baby with him? Only you can now help protect yourself and your baby. Get him out! Do not talk to him as he will try to get out of it, cover it up and see what could be coming. If you want him gone and to protect/safeguard baby you need to involve police or he could fight for custody and he should not have custody of baby. Change the locks, keep job for security of an income to prove you can provide for baby.

You say that he doesn't know this is rape. I bet if you reported this, he would know it was rape and lie to them about what he did.

Do you think he would tell the police the truth? Because if he would lie, he knows it's rape.

Fucking HELL the victim blaming and oh he might not realise he raped you!! bullshit in this thread, is disgusting. If you contributed to that, fuck off. You're a problem and then some.

@Newmammy123 he's clearly raped you multiple times, and he deserves his dick shoved in a blender. Please don't talk to him, take your baby and get the hell out of there.