Rape in relationship

[Newmammy123]

This is not the first time it's happened but last night when my fiance came to bed I pretended to be asleep. Thinking I was in a deep sleep he pulled down my pj bottoms and underwear and turned away, next thing I hear him go in his top drawer and pull out a condom, I listened to him opening the packet and putting it on. I started to 'stir' to see if he would freak out and stop what he was about to do but he didn't. I wanted to see how far he'd take it and he proceeded to have sex with me. I moved straight away pulled my clothes up and didn't say a word. I've had a baby 8 weeks ago and he knows I am not ready to have sex yet even though he keeps nagging and grabbing me daily. What do i do? I have a baby girl and I want to teach her to respect herself, care for herself and to feel strong enough to walk away if she needs to, but I don't think I can practice what I preach :(

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Reading that made me feel physically sick.

Hope you're ok OP. I know what I'm about to say is bollocks, but I think it will make sense with regards to him.

We're kind of ingrained to think of rape as a psycho in a dark alley leaping on to an unsuspecting victim in the early hours of the morning. It's how it's portrayed on TV. It's almost "included" as part of an attack.

I think that's why it feels like it's not, "because he loves you".

First. He's wrong. Obviously. But could it be possible that he'd actually be fucking mortified if he thought he'd raped you, but he genuinely doesn't see it as rape because he's not a devious alley lurking predator.

I hope that makes sense, I'm not making excuses for him, but I would question someone who genuinely truly loves you, acting like that, if he knew the severity and the effects. He perhaps thinks something as basic and ridiculous as "I know I'm pushing my luck, but I'll give it a go and see what happens".

Have you spoken to him. Sat him him down, looked him dead in the eye, and said, "You need to understand you raped me. Do you understand that it does not matter how much you love someone, sex without consent is rape. You raped me. I need you to accept that. Perhaps you don't think you did, and you think of a rapist as something quite different, but you raped me."

Realising that he has in fact, raped his own wife, is probably going to rock his world, he's probably going to feel like the lowest of the low. I think you can work through this OP, if you want too.

If you need to talk, MN is here for you. There are a lot of excellent women's help centres who can advise you of your options and how to proceed.

Sending you hugs and support xxxx

Thank you so much. I agree with everything you have said. I know he thinks it's a man in a alley grabbing a woman from behind which is what I also used to think when I was younger. I'm going to sit down and speak to him when he gets home from work. Thank you again :)

It's extremely difficult for you what's happened.

The attachment bond can make us behave in a way different to if it was a random person assaulting us.
The attachment bond makes us accept and minimise behaviour from people close to us that we would never ever accept from someone else. That's why people can find it really really hard to get themselves out of abusive situations. Or say anything to anyone about it.
If a stranger had done it you'd be calling the police.
The attachment bond makes it seem wrong to turn against the perpetrator of the abuse or to see that their behaviour is bad. The attachment bond makes us 'need' to stay attached to them.
Trust within the early relationship has created an attachment bond. It is this trust that keeps the person from saying anything when the relationship turns abusive.
Our innate fear of separation and loss and sense of shame creates defence mechanisms to protect ourselves by freezing and/or saying nothing and doing nothing.
By getting help and support from outside, this helps you to see the abuse more clearly and begin to see it for what it really is. None of this is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.
You wouldn't accept this behaviour from anyone else who just came in off the street, so don't accept it from him.

Jesus Christ, he's a rapist. Ideally he's the one who'll have to leave his job when he goes to prison.

This happened to me. Once. We aren't together now.

Message me if you need to OP. This is him showing you he doesn't think of you as a woman, a person with thoughts, feelings, opinions and rights. You are his 'object' to do with as he wishes. He decided he wanted sex, so that's what happened. There was no waking you and coming on to you and being gentle and romantic like sex is supposed to happen. This was purely about him and his needs only.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You leave.

What else has he done to you while you have slept? You will never know.

Pleas don’t sit down and talk to him later today. He will tell you that you are overreacting and it’s not his fault.

Please go to SARC , it’s fine to take baby with you.

Please don’t hand in your notice either. Talk to your HR department about getting transferred.

Do you have family and friends who will support you to leave him ?!

To those who say

talk to him
he may not know what he has done
he may not see it as rape
he may be mortified when he realises it's rape

I say this...

"Men, they CAN control themselves, everybody can.
Everybody acts like consent is this complicated thing, but it's not. Everybody knows whether they have it or not."

13 Reasons. S2 E9

@newmammy123

I hope you can sort things. I had a slightly different scenario with ex DP but talking to him changed everything.

He would mount me in his sleep. Sometimes forcing himself inside me. Sometimes he would scrabble about on top of me. Other times I would wake to find his fingers inside me (sorry tmi, you get the jist)

He would have no recollection in the morning. Sometimes his eyes would open but whatever it was, he had genuinely no idea until he woke what he'd done.

I told him how frightened it made me and that he was violating me. He laughed and said I should be flattered that he couldn't keep his hands off me in his sleep. He'd find it funny that he couldn't recall a thing.
I told him we were going to have to get separate beds because I couldn't continue to fall asleep feeling scared and anxious of what the night would hold. I told him he had to get help. He point blank refused. It was "embarrassing" and "no one else's business". He would make the same comment that he obviously meant no harm, because he loved me.

I lost it one morning and shouted at him "Do you get that you're raping me? You are raping me in your sleep. And it's more important that you don't feel embarrassed, than find out how to stop this so I don't get repeatedly raped??"

You could almost see the penny drop, he literally went white and broke down. What he'd passed off as being quite amusing to him, he now couldn't believe those words had come out of his mouth and felt physically disgusted in himself.

He made an appointment with his GP the next morning.

I understand this is not the same in a lot of respects. But the similarity is the way our DPs viewed their behaviour. Mine wasn't deliberately trying to being a dismissive bastard, he was genuinely blind to how wrong it was. It sounds beggars belief that someone could be so unaware, but it's how it was.

He was also genuinely horrified when it sank in. And he did something about it. There's no excuse for what he's doing. There's every possibility that your DP does not realise the gravity. And every possibility that he will do everything he can once he does.

Courtney - can I ask how everything changed after your husband had been to his GP?

Of course. The GP referred him to a sleep clinic to try and diagnose why his sleep pattern was so broken and physically active. Its whatever they do with sleepwalkers. They related it to caffeine, which I thought initially, what a load of bs, but no caffeine after midday, and there was never another episode.

He was also referred to some private and group therapy sessions, to investigate if there was a reason he channeled his sleep activity in to molesting his partner. Sleepwalking is much more common. What he was doing, was not unheard of, but usually there's a reason it manifests.

They made a link with control issues with his father as a child.

His behaviour changed as it never happened again. He would get very uncomfortable if a Silent Witness/any of the other whodunnits I watch, had rape in it, and would often leave the room.

I made the effort too. I let him know that I was in full support of him getting help, and would not bring it up and keep going over old ground the moment he sought professional help.

He can’t rape you because he loves you what rubbish

I agree firstly you need to make it v clear he is raping you and he is treating you as an object that is not love

Don't have a talk with him, leave him
He's raping you regularly
Can you call Rape Crisis for help?

Please report him to the police, that is so awful!

Op why are you sitting down and talking to someone who has repeatedly raped you? Where's your red line here? He knows it's rape, you've told him before, he really doesn't care. He could have seriously injured you, he doesn't care. No amount of talking will prevent him from doing this to you again because he enjoys it.

For fuck sake please don't listen to the people telling you just to talk to him because he doesn't get that he's raping you. He gets it. There isn't a man alive who doesn't know that sticking their penis into their sleeping partner, or their partner who is shouting no isn't rape. He knows.

Double negative there. I meant IS rape obviously

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are with this toxic horrible man.

You need to get out of this relationship. He's a rapist!!!

OP have you spoken to him yet? Why exactly are you going to talk about? Politely ask him not to don’t again or finish things and tell him to pack his bags? You need to be clear about what you want the result of this conversation to be before going in to it. Good luck, I’m so sorry this has happened to you

People, please please PLEASE understand that this is rape, and rape is not acceptable, ever!

This lady is being raped and made to feel it might be okay "because..."

What this man is doing is NOT OKAY.

I feel actually sick thinking of him just taking advantage of your unconscious body. SICK.

Please leave, and get some rape counselling.

You deserve so much better.

He knew he was wrong, he hid the condom and wrapper hoping you wouldnt realise what he was doing

Op I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You need to get away from this man as quickly and safely as you can.

lyndor interesting that you think because I didn’t fight my rapist or scream at him to stop I have low self esteem and self worth

I'm so sorry, @Newmammy123 it's definitely rape, and he's clearly done this repeatedly. What nonsense to say it can't be rape because he loves you, his actions show you that he doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't put you through that.

Rapist, last night and all the times before. WTF, he took advantage of you being on strong meds and sleepy to rape you. Most men do not rape women, especially women they love. He refuses to accept your boundaries. Will he rape your child because he loves her too?