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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rape in relationship

76 replies

Newmammy123 · 23/09/2018 09:08

This is not the first time it's happened but last night when my fiance came to bed I pretended to be asleep. Thinking I was in a deep sleep he pulled down my pj bottoms and underwear and turned away, next thing I hear him go in his top drawer and pull out a condom, I listened to him opening the packet and putting it on. I started to 'stir' to see if he would freak out and stop what he was about to do but he didn't. I wanted to see how far he'd take it and he proceeded to have sex with me. I moved straight away pulled my clothes up and didn't say a word. I've had a baby 8 weeks ago and he knows I am not ready to have sex yet even though he keeps nagging and grabbing me daily. What do i do? I have a baby girl and I want to teach her to respect herself, care for herself and to feel strong enough to walk away if she needs to, but I don't think I can practice what I preach :(

OP posts:
SpeckledDot · 23/09/2018 09:10

Punch him in the bollocks if he tries it again!

Singlenotsingle · 23/09/2018 09:11

Or knee him?

Waddsup12 · 23/09/2018 09:13

Woman's Aid/police.

If he knows he could hurt you (beyond the consent issue), so very bad.

Gildashairflick · 23/09/2018 09:16

I do t know which area you live in but everywhere has access to a SARC (sexual assault referral centre). Just google it. You can self refer and bit involve the police to talk through your options and get help and support. They won't mind you bringing your baby either. Speak also to women's aid as sexual abuse is domestic violence. Do this for you, do this for your daughter. You both deserve better than this man in your life. He has no respect for you and can never be a good father.

Gildashairflick · 23/09/2018 09:16

*dont

Gildashairflick · 23/09/2018 09:19

Oh ffs! Must read posts before clicking! You don't have to involve the police if you don't want to is what I'm trying to say. If you do want police involved that's fine as well. Don't wash the bedding or dispose of the condom or wrapper. If you can stand not showering that would be helpful as well. This is not an uncommon occurrence and you will get great care from a Sarc while you try and process in your mind the rape this man has committed.

LyndorCake · 23/09/2018 09:24

When you say you moved away, did you let him have sex with you first? Or did you move away as soon as his penis pressed into you?

Wineandsleepplease · 23/09/2018 09:37

Tell him that he's disgusting!. If he loved and respected you he wouldn't try to have sex with you while your asleep, knowing full well you dont want it and aren't ready!. Do you really want to be with someone like that!?

SelfCareAndKindness · 23/09/2018 09:39

This is terrifying. Please report if you can, seek support from family or friends, and at the very minimum, please get yourself away from this predator Thanks

leighdinglady · 23/09/2018 09:45

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subspace · 23/09/2018 09:45

Yikes.

He needs kicking out, if he has so much trouble not grabbing and not raping your when you've made it abundantly clear is a NO from you.

anotherangel2 · 23/09/2018 09:46

LyndorCake that does not matter. Rape is sex without consent, not sex when someone says no.

OP I am very sorry that you are in this situation. Other people will be able to give you better advice than me but this is 100% not your fault.

subspace · 23/09/2018 09:54

@leighdinglady ^i might get flamed for saying this" yeah, you could say that.

you did actually consent by allowing him to have sex with you? You were fully conscious and able to refuse/stop but you decided to 'see what he would do?

She's told him clearly (when awake) and I'm inferring repeatedly, that she's not ready for sex after her birth - I.e. the last known status of clear informed consent was very much a NO.

Inaction is not consent.

Being awoken by a non-consensual act (pulling pjs and underwear off) act is not consenting.

Freeze is a valid and common response to trauma. Freeze is also, not consent.

Not saying no is not the same as saying yes I really can't believe I have to spell this out

To him, she was not conscious. To him, he was completely unable to gain consent.

She moved away as soon as it was explicity clear what his full intentions were.

Tell me again how she consented to be fucked?

Original poster
Newmammy123 · 23/09/2018 09:57

As soon as it went in I got up and pretended I needed the bathroom, hes got rid of the condom but he's stuffed the wrapper down the side of the bed! The last time he done this was a couple of months before I fell pregnant! I woke up numerous times to him having sex with me unprotected whilst I was taking medication to help my depression and help me sleep so it would knock me out! I told him to stop then and he said hang on I'm nearly done and I was constantly shouting at him to stop! I told him he had raped me on a few occasions and he said its not rape when you love someone! Obviously I know that's bullshit! Thank you for all of your advice.

OP posts:
Gildashairflick · 23/09/2018 10:02

@leighdinglady you are exactly the reason many many people do not report rape in relationships.

thethoughtfox · 23/09/2018 10:05

This is horrific. Do you want your daughter being brought up by a rapist?

thethoughtfox · 23/09/2018 10:05

You need to be brave for her, if not for yourself Flowers

Creeper8 · 23/09/2018 10:08

My ex use to do this to me when pregnant. I posted about it. the exact same thing. I just use to lie there, made me feel really disgusting Sad. ive been told it was rape as I was asleep when he started. It would wake me up but I just would be silent. Too shocked, scared to say anything.

SlimmingMumOf1 · 23/09/2018 10:33

That is rape. Disgusting cunt. You need to leave with the baby.

Meagain17 · 23/09/2018 10:34

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour, and it's definitely rape!
Sorry you are going through this.

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 11:05

OP this is awful. I'm so sorry but this man has no respect for you as a person. This is indeed rape. You cannot consent when you are asleep. You also have to actively consent with full freedom and capacity to do so. Waking up and not stopping him isn't consent.

@leighdinglady - please look up what consent in sexual encounters means. Have a read of pauseplaystop.org to educate yourself. You clearly don't understand the law, let alone the moral and ethical issues here.

leighdinglady · 23/09/2018 11:06

I apologise. I didn't properly read the Op and have read her updates. I'd leave him for sure. He's a disgrace

LyndorCake · 23/09/2018 11:15

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Original poster
Newmammy123 · 23/09/2018 11:25

Thank you all! I think I'm going to have to hand my notice in to work as we both work in the same place and on the same department. I'm going to speak to him when he gets home later and take things from there. Thank you again :)

OP posts:
SelfCareAndKindness · 23/09/2018 11:30

Keep coming back OP and let us support you