Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - BF is having regular happy ending massages - is this cheating?

111 replies

Justalemon987 · 21/09/2018 10:21

Hi All,

Im hoping for some advice on this. My bf and I have had a great relationship so far (18 months) and are on track for marriage and babies. I'm in my 30s so feel time is ticking on.

However, today I found out he goes to a massage parlous where he gets a 'happy ending'. He doesn't know I know and I'm not sure how I feel about it and what if anything I should do. We've had past issues before with him messaging other girls at the start of our relationship so with this now included Im not sure if I should stay with him or move on.

Anyone been through something similar? Can the relationship move on from this? I don't want to start a family with someone if I dont think it will work out in the long term.....

OP posts:
EggMayonnaise · 21/09/2018 13:07

I'm surprised that you need to ask if this is cheating. If someone else wanks off your partner then yes it is cheating. Always.

I'm also surprised that you appear to believe he is actually going for a massage.

He is going to a brothel. He is likely to be having sex with the ladies he meets there.

QueSera · 21/09/2018 13:09

Um - how could it NOT be cheating?
If you want to be with someone who does not cheat, then please have the confidence and self-respect to leave this man, who sounds absolutely repulsive.
"I cant help but wonder how many men in committed relationships do the exact same thing." What difference would this make?? Maybe loads do it - they're all cheating, and it's up to each of their partners to decide for themselves if they accept cheating or not.

Pondering1 · 21/09/2018 13:46

OP would your reaction and decision be different if you were 21? You mention time is ticking on, don't settle for 2nd best (if this behaviour even qualifies him for 2nd,3rd or 100th place) just because you think age is against you for marriage and babies.
Go find someone who deserves you and will be a great role model for your future kids.

Huskylover1 · 21/09/2018 13:51

From researching the place he goes - it seems its just hand jobs, but I could be completely wrong

What do you mean "just" hand jobs?

If you walked in on him having "just" a hand job from your Best friend/sister/Mum, would that be okay?

When was the last time you allowed another man to stimulate you to Orgasm with his hand? And would you consider that you had cheated on your bf if you did this? And would your bf be okay if you did this with other men?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 21/09/2018 13:55

You say you get on really well and have a great connection but you don't. You don't know a very large part of his psyche and behavior at all. He's a cheat. And when they do it once and are entitled, they will do it again.

BadderWolf · 21/09/2018 13:56

Yoni Grin

Yes, OP, wanks for cash = cheating and so much more. Don't settle for it.

Racecardriver · 21/09/2018 13:58

How will you feel when he starts using prostitutes because he will.

humdrum21 · 21/09/2018 13:58

Of course it's cheating

awesmum · 21/09/2018 13:59

How did you find out?
Silly question I know, but he's not going to keep a receipt of it, so has he told someone?

TwoWitTwoWoo · 21/09/2018 14:03

Ergh gross.

lilyheather1 · 21/09/2018 14:10

"but I cant help but wonder how many men in committed relationships do the exact same thing."

DO NOT tar our husbands and partners with a statement like that. Any man who respects his partner would not continually get his jollies from a massage parlour. It is NOT common.

ApolloandDaphne · 21/09/2018 14:45

He is cheating. LTB

Hideandgo · 21/09/2018 14:46

Oh God. Yes that’s ‘cheating’ and also being disgusting and potentially taking advantage of vulnerable woman for his pleasure. He’s a piece of shit.

GreenMeerkat · 21/09/2018 14:55

Nothing about this is OK OP!

Angelf1sh · 21/09/2018 14:57

I can’t believe this is a serious post. How could anyone seriously be asking if this is cheating? You’ve either pre-agreed an open relationship in advance and this is within the rules or it’s cheating. Why are women so willing to sell themselves short these days?

lizzie1970a · 21/09/2018 15:02

Can't believe how the younger generation have been so conditioned to be 'nice', 'kind', 'fair' and put up with all sorts of crap from men such as this exclusivity bullshit (i.e. it's not valid until we've had a chat about it) that they've been brainwashed into questioning whether this is 'cheating'! Bloody hell.

Emmageddon · 21/09/2018 15:02

Oh for goodness sake, of course this is cheating. Don't hitch your wagon to a man who uses prostitutes. Let him carry on with his sleazy lifestyle and find someone decent to settled down with.

Gemini69 · 21/09/2018 15:05

Would you mind if he was getting a random woman from the pub to toss him off?

apparently not... OP seems to think that Him being 'nice' exonerates Him being unfaithful .. because it's a massage.. and plus.. it's only a happy ending Hmm I'm speechless tbf Grin

lilyheather1 · 21/09/2018 15:11

lizzie1970a Where does your very generalised sweeping statement stem from? I'm 24 and wouldn't put with this bastard's shit Grin

TiaMariaAndCoke · 21/09/2018 15:14

I once worked in a massage parlour as a "telephone maid".

Points to note:

  1. Nobody gets a massage
  1. Nobody buys a hand job
Trinity66 · 21/09/2018 15:30

My boyfriend has a McDonalds Quarter Pounder every night. Am I right in thinking he's not really vegetarian?

Sweet baby cheesus.

Grin
lizzie1970a · 21/09/2018 15:30

haha, good to hear it lilyheather Wink

Hissy · 21/09/2018 15:39

18 months.

ONLY 18 MONTHS

Whats stopping me from just walking away however, is due to other factors such as his amazing support while my father has been fighting cancer, how well we get on and apart from these issues, genuinely connect. Everyone in my life has commented on how happier I am (despite the cancer fight) and settled I am with him. When I am with him, he is extremely loving and attentive. I know this might not tip the scales, but I cant help but wonder how many men in committed relationships do the exact same thing.

Let's break this down:
amazing support while my father has been fighting cancer - ANY decent human being would do this. ANYONE. Anything less is dumping territory on its own.

how well we get on and apart from these issues, genuinely connect.
Which you would do with anyone in the 18m period - all the hormones are there, and he is only now showing you who he is and you are showing him just how low your self-worth really is.

Everyone in my life has commented on how happier I am (despite the cancer fight) and settled I am with him. ditto. See above

When I am with him, he is extremely loving and attentive
When he is NOT with you, he's paying to get someone to wank him off.

I know this might not tip the scales, but I can't help but wonder how many men in committed relationships do the exact same thing
the clue is there... committed relationships... none... except those who are lowlife cheats. Did that answer your wondering?

Maybugger · 21/09/2018 15:55

He's a grubby, cheating sleaze bag OP.
Plain and simple.
How could you let him anywhere near you let alone have sex and be considering getting pregnant?
He'd make my flesh creep......

safetyfreak · 21/09/2018 15:59

If the OP happy with her boyfriend getting wanked off by prositutes then let them be!!