DH has found a 'religion'

[EachyPeachPearyPlum]

Apologies for the lengthy 'ramble'. I can't sort my thoughts out. I also apologise if I word anything badly, I honestly don't mean to offend.

I am agnostic, leaning towards atheist, but have not really thought through my feelings in depth. DH is from a different country that is also very different culturally. He was brought up Catholic, has always said he believes in God, but has never (in the 8yrs I've known him) practiced religion/Catholicism.

He has friends deeply involved in a spiritual 'movement'/'religion'? I don't even know what to call it. Friends/family I have spoken to call it a cult, DH calls it a Centre of Spiritual Study. He has dabbled in the past as something he is interested in but has enjoyed his lifestyle too much to really engage. In the last year he has become much more seriously involved, to the point where every Saturday night is a 'session' of meditation from 8pm-midnight. He has stopped drinking completely, has changed his interest in music totally to now only play certain songs that give messages of love and peace. He feels that he has become a better person, who is more aware of his failings, and is learning to be, amongst other things, more accepting, a better father (to DS, 2.5yrs) and in the near future to DC2, due Jan 19. He describes himself as a 'shaman'.

His newfound beliefs are causing friction or my inability to accept his beliefs are.
I feel that he has become almost fanatical, 80-90% of our conversations seem to end up with me receiving a mini lecture on something to do with the teachings he is learning. I am 5 months pregnant, so am not drinking, but I do like an evening out and a drink, and a lot of our life together has involved drinking and socialising with like minded friends, often in bars playing rock music. Our honeymoon was basically a motorbike tour of bars in Europe! We live fairly rurally now and, with young DC, going out isn't a regular occurrence, but I would like to continue to enjoy the lifestyle we built together.

I hate the fact that God comes up in our conversations so often, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really don't know why. Maybe because it is just so different from my instinctive beliefs. He 'accepts' that I will continue to drink, but doesn't like it, I Don't like the thought that he will be watching and judging me every time I do have a glass, especially if our children are around. I don't like that his sessions have become more important than family time, though he denies that. We (he!) Have been renovating and he is very, very busy both with our house and working long hours at work. I often complain we don't have much family time, which he agrees with, but will ALWAYS stop on a Saturday in time to prepare for and participate in his session, but won't always for family time if there is something 'important' to finish on the house.

We have had some big arguments because of tension built up from this. It doesn't help of course, that I am pregnant and probably hormonal, and also, we have his, also deeply involved, friend and his family (DW, DC3 and DC1) staying with us for SIX weeks, in our 2 bedroom house. It's also horribly hot (not UK) and I can't just be comfortable in my own home due to said guests.

I don't know what my point of this is. Has anyone else had experience of a partner finding religion? How has it affected your relationship? Thanks

Oops. That was really long. Sorry and thank you if you manage to read it all!

What's the religion and what do these sessions involve?

He's entitled to his beliefs but he has to stop badgering you if you don't share his faith.

Very tricky. He's entitled of course but if it was in my relationship it could potentially be a deal breaker for me.

I would be extremely concerned if I were you. His new interest has gone way too far already. He is being judgemental and controlling even though you've asked him to keep his views to himself. Is it possible your husband is mentally ill and vulnerable to fanaticism?

Honestly? It’s a dealbreaker for me. I am an atheist and if my husband turned into a cult-y, patronising, self-styled shaman I would not be able to stay married to him. Our fundamental beliefs and values would be too different.

Is there any chance this is a crisis, either midlife or mental health. His behaviour does sound completely bizarre.

As for loving his mate, wife and two kids into your two bedroom house:

Loving? MOVING!

No, I couldn't live like that. That's not what you were signing up for when you married him. Maybe it is some sort of crisis and he will come round but imagine him judging you for the rest of your lives...

OMG!!
My stbxh got heavily involved in something similar, it totally consumed him, totally took over all his believes and the only bloody thing he talked about. It sounds very very similar! It totally and utterly took his life over, he started to eat very differently, dress differently the complete level of self obsessiveness and self rightness was dreadful. 5 years later he is even odder and obsessed than before.

Looking back he was always slightly odd and always obsessive about something or another he was always slightly lost and impressionable.
I have to be careful what i put on here as it makes me easily traceable but feel free to pm me.

Hi OP, in the UK, shamanism is recognised as a pagan faith and there is no Grand Shaman (or whatever) in charge and pagans as a general thing over here don't recruit or proselytise. Your description of his "studies" aren't anything that I would recognise and it does sound as though he is involved in a group that is misguided at best and possibly very dodgy.

Please take care that he isn't handing over money to the people he is associating with, and I agree with pp who have flagged up that he might have a mental health issue. Cult organisations and dodgy religions have a great radar for the vulnerable.

Oh, thank goodness, you all feel the same way as me. Firstly, no, he definitely isn't mentally ill, or vulnerable to fanatacism! The religion is Uniao Do Vegetal, a Brazilian group based in the north Amazon rainforest. It involves drinking a preparation, a 'tea' they call it, called Ayahuasca, which I know you can go to retreats for in South America, but he insists this is the real deal, and not a touristy type thing, and from what I've read, and been exposed to, it is a little different, but still involves taking something that is slightly hallucinogenic to help aid the meditation/spiritual bit. Then, to simplify, they all sit around and listen to specific types of music and meditate for four hours.

I was hesitant to say, but it really does feel like a bit of a deal breaker for me too. And then I feel awful - I'm pregnant with our second. How the hell am I/we going to deal with this, and our poor, poor toddler??

As for the family staying, it's so hard, as I totally understand you can't really come from his home country for a week r two, it's soooo expensive and not worth it, but yeah, I was pretty annoyed. Although, I made him build them a shed in the garden. They are sleeping in that so at least my son keeps his room!!!

Every time we try and talk about it, we end up arguing because I say it's not what I signed up for, you're not the same person, although to be fair, he is better in SOME ways, you're asking me to change my lifestyle too. He says go out with your friends and drink, but I'd like to go out with my husband occasionally too!

He isn't a bad person, and I do love him, but I just don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. And I would/will feel so guilty for breaking up our family. Oh I don't know what to do

Ayahuasca isn't slightly hallucinogenic, it's one of the most potent psychedelics out there. It contains DMT and uses a maoi inhibitor to make it orally active. It's much more potent than LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms.)

To me, that's just another way of checking out of the marriage. It could be cycling, golf or marathon running. It's just him taking the focus away from the family and putting it on A. N. Other thing.

I'd be really cheesed off and I wouldn't do it for another month, let alone the rest of your life.

He is a different person from the one you married - exit now!

@SomeUsername - definitely agree. Ayahuasca is heavy duty stuff. It has a lot of unpleasant side effects and can cause high blood pressure. There can also be nasty interactions with other food and drink, and I would be really concerned if he was using this stuff on a weekly basis. It's probably worth googling the effects of regular use as there are all sorts of scentific articles out there.

OP, your husband hasn't so much found a religion, as found that he loves getting off his tits on drugs. For hours every Saturday night. Ayahuasca is serious stuff. You no more have to be understanding or tolerant of this behaviour than you would be if he was prioritising LSD or cocaine over his family.

Yes, I know it contains DMT, DH said that the retreat type places often mix in even stronger stuff to have more of an effect. It's been legalised in Brazil for use in religious ceremonies and apparently in parts of the US too.

The things that you're all saying make sense to me. I am cheesed off etc, and i think I would say to any friend in my situation that it would be a deal breaker, but it's so much harder when you're actually in that same situation, and there are many good points, and he is a good dad.

OP I just wanted to chime in and say religion of any kind is a hard no, it would be an absolutely deal breaker for me. You're not being unreasonable in any way.

Men who regularly get stoned on a Saturday night are not good dads! End of. Long term effects on his brain....hmmm.

Also when your DC are older, how will you explain it to them? Do you want them sucked into it too?

My DH got into a religion a few years back. I resented it because we had not been religious before. We both were anti organised religion and I just didn't get it. The only impact really was weekly meetings, which was annoying, as it could have been family time, but not seriously disruptive. I tried not to get too angry about it, although I was a bit . My DH often gets into fads and new hobbies and they are usually temporary. He has dropped the religion now and has moved on to other, equally annoying things.

Well I've just done a little research on it & this is what I found :

Shamanism is perhaps the most diverse of all the forms of Pagan practice and is less clearly defined as a tradition than other Pagan paths. Shamanic practices are an underlying aspect of all expressions of Pagan religion and there are those who would describe themselves as Wiccan, Druidic or Women's Mystery Shamans. Bearing this in mind, there are, however, a growing number of men and women who see themselves on a specifically Shamanic path.
Those who see themselves as Shamans place great emphasis upon individual experience. Shamans may sometimes work together in groups, but the ethos of this way of working is more of a solitary path. Shamanic practice is characterized by seeking vision in solitude and is deeply rooted in the mysteries of Nature.
Shamanism is an ecstatic religion with an essential belief in the reality of the spirit world. The Shaman, through training or calling, is one who is able to enter that world and work with the unseen powers. The Shaman acts as an intermediary between the spirit world and the everyday lives of men and women. He or she may also guide others to experience the spirit world for themselves and so deepen their spiritual lives. Through contact with the spirits, the Shaman can work acts of healing, divination and magic - revealing by way of vision, poetry and myth the deeper reaches of the human spirit.
'Shamans are healers, seers, and visionaries. .. they are in communication with the world of gods and spirits. Their bodies can be left behind while they fly to unearthly realms. They are poets and singers. They dance and create works of art. .. they are familiar with cosmic as well as physical geography; the ways of plants, animals, and the elements are known to them. They are psychologists, entertainers, and food finders. Above all, however, shamans are technicians of the sacred and masters of ecstasy.'

Sounds like he's part of some sort of witches club to me 😳

And then I feel awful - I'm pregnant with our second. How the hell am I/we going to deal with this, and our poor, poor toddler??

But you won’t have caused it - he has. Remember that. He’s developed a problem with heavy duty psychedelics under the guise of religion. You can’t build a family with him if his behaviour is his idea of normality.

What country are you in? Would you legally be able to remove your toddler and return to your country of birth (possibly with the help of family/friends?)

This is not the man you married and you are entitled to leave, the same as if he'd suddenly developed a gambling addiction or a taste for extra marital relations once a week.

As a PP mentioned, Ayahuasca is not something to fuck around with. It's a powerful hallucinogenic. You know this is the drug commonly called yagé? It can royally fuck you up, and it seems that unfortunately your DH has very much been fucked up by it.

Replace the words ‘herbal psychoactive drink’ with cocaine.

Can’t imagine anyone would be ok about a weekly 4 hour bender.

He’s a C.F. who’s checking out and getting high, under the umbrella of ‘religion’.

Nice work if you can get it!

Here is the link where I found the info .....

paganfed.org/index.php/federation/the-three-principles

So you're not allowed to drink but he's allowed to take drugs???