DH has found a 'religion'

[EachyPeachPearyPlum]

Apologies for the lengthy 'ramble'. I can't sort my thoughts out. I also apologise if I word anything badly, I honestly don't mean to offend.

I am agnostic, leaning towards atheist, but have not really thought through my feelings in depth. DH is from a different country that is also very different culturally. He was brought up Catholic, has always said he believes in God, but has never (in the 8yrs I've known him) practiced religion/Catholicism.

He has friends deeply involved in a spiritual 'movement'/'religion'? I don't even know what to call it. Friends/family I have spoken to call it a cult, DH calls it a Centre of Spiritual Study. He has dabbled in the past as something he is interested in but has enjoyed his lifestyle too much to really engage. In the last year he has become much more seriously involved, to the point where every Saturday night is a 'session' of meditation from 8pm-midnight. He has stopped drinking completely, has changed his interest in music totally to now only play certain songs that give messages of love and peace. He feels that he has become a better person, who is more aware of his failings, and is learning to be, amongst other things, more accepting, a better father (to DS, 2.5yrs) and in the near future to DC2, due Jan 19. He describes himself as a 'shaman'.

His newfound beliefs are causing friction or my inability to accept his beliefs are.
I feel that he has become almost fanatical, 80-90% of our conversations seem to end up with me receiving a mini lecture on something to do with the teachings he is learning. I am 5 months pregnant, so am not drinking, but I do like an evening out and a drink, and a lot of our life together has involved drinking and socialising with like minded friends, often in bars playing rock music. Our honeymoon was basically a motorbike tour of bars in Europe! We live fairly rurally now and, with young DC, going out isn't a regular occurrence, but I would like to continue to enjoy the lifestyle we built together.

I hate the fact that God comes up in our conversations so often, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really don't know why. Maybe because it is just so different from my instinctive beliefs. He 'accepts' that I will continue to drink, but doesn't like it, I Don't like the thought that he will be watching and judging me every time I do have a glass, especially if our children are around. I don't like that his sessions have become more important than family time, though he denies that. We (he!) Have been renovating and he is very, very busy both with our house and working long hours at work. I often complain we don't have much family time, which he agrees with, but will ALWAYS stop on a Saturday in time to prepare for and participate in his session, but won't always for family time if there is something 'important' to finish on the house.

We have had some big arguments because of tension built up from this. It doesn't help of course, that I am pregnant and probably hormonal, and also, we have his, also deeply involved, friend and his family (DW, DC3 and DC1) staying with us for SIX weeks, in our 2 bedroom house. It's also horribly hot (not UK) and I can't just be comfortable in my own home due to said guests.

I don't know what my point of this is. Has anyone else had experience of a partner finding religion? How has it affected your relationship? Thanks

So you're not 'supposed' to drink but he can take powerful hallucenogenics?!

He is the one who has changed, you are the same person he mariied, is the line I would be repeating, a lot.

He is ducking out of family time and responsibilities to take drugs ffs.

Oh my god, this man just wants to get stoned for four hours every weekend. Get rid now. Everything will come before you - you will never be first when there are drugs involved.

And I percieve massive cultural appropriation / playing at being an indian, in what he's doing too. Not cool, not clever.

He's the religious equivalent of Paris Lees, though maybe your husband has more drugs.

I think you should take a holiday back home to give some serious thought to this potentially dangerous situation. I would perhaps keep quiet about your fears and find an excuse to put some distance between you and your husband. I would be wary of the friends too if they are part of the group. I think drugs and intense spiritual belief like this can lead to psychosis and you and your child could potentially be in danger. I think not being able to drink is probably the least of your worries.

Thank you for all your replies. I wish I had posted two separate threads, one a discussion on Ayahuasca, and another about one partner finding religion while the other is atheist. This is very outing. People are getting focussing on the drug side of it. I do understand why, but, please, I am really looking for views on any religion being brought into the relationship, and its effect on that relationship.
To clarify, I ain't waiting on nobody! I've made it very clear that they are to do there own thing whilst here.
Yes, Captain Nelson, he is Brazilian, and as you say, I think that does add an additional cultural difference in acceptance of more obscure groups.
The children are involved in that they listen to the music, until they go to bed. I suppose they are as involved as any child would be that was raised in a religious family.
As I said before, the link posted to a Colombian retreat death involves a mix of additional herbs. I'm trying not to minimise that side of it, but I do want to try and make it clear that DH's particular group are not a money-making/touristy one. And that is the type that you can find most information on online.
We are not in the UK.
Dandybelle 's post makes sense. If I'm honest, then no, I wouldn't be drawn to him if I were to meet him now. Regardless of the religion

So what does his worship usually involve. He's Brazilian I assume, and I'd imagine there isn't anywhere to go for meetings? Does he basically just get stoned every Saturday night and contemplate god? Did he grow up with this faith or is it new? Is he homesick?

And refinding faith- as long as they are respectful and accepting that the other partner hasn't and won't- is fine with me. I'd be happy for a partner to attend meetings, with the understanding that this is their thing. Not mine. The issue with religion is if you're not following the same tenants, then you're wrong and there is a need for the believer to 'help' you. If they can't get past that, I'd find it very hard

I'm getting divorced. BunnyColvin has nailed it. My stbxh became very abusive to sustain his secret life.

I think it is very difficult for a relationship to survive when outside agencies whether family/religion/sport are more influential than the people in the relationship.

I wouldn't have a problem with a partner finding a faith or going alcohol-free. I would have a BIG problem with a partner using strong drugs on a regular basis and playing holier than thou about my life. He just sounds like he's become a real arse - sorry

People are getting focused on the drugs because it's a huge issue, arguably more so than the religion!

Make sure he can’t give all your money and assets away to the “religious” organisation.

Okay, my thoughts on the relationship side of it:

One year isn't all that long. It could still be a phase he loses interest in.

I perceive that a lot of the problem is in how you fear things will change, rather than stuff that is demonstrably true. I encourage you to really be honest with yourself about separating assumption from fact. I think an assumption of yours is that when you drink he will behave like he is judging you. You may find that may or may not be true.

Re him talking about god most conversations, I think it's fairly normal for anybody with a new hobby to talk about it lots. I think it's worth examining in yourself why your reaction to that is how it is, as it seems (understandably) that you're having a different reaction to if, say, he'd taken up competitive chrysanthamun growing. If it were the same reaction, I'd suggest you invest some time in experimenting with conversational techniques to change the subject and/or enforce boundaries better. Also communicate how you're reacting to the conversation, without making it a blame game - non-violent communication would be an excellent techinque for this (Google). "When you mention god in so many conversations I feel like my aetheist views are given less priority in conversation than your religious ones and that makes me feel sad. Could we please try to find a better balance?"

Re drinking, I think it's fairly usual for people to drink less as they get older and for lifestyle habits to change and reflect that. I do get that that's not what's happened here. I think that you don't, IMO, get to demand that you get your needs in a specific way from one specific person (drinking with him) and it sounds like you can still go out drinking with your friends and get that need from them. I think it would be reasonable to find ways you and hubby can still enjoy dates together.

Re every saturday night, if that's time you'd usually spend together I'd find that hard. Is it also now that he is less available to do childcare if you wanted to go out drinking? I'd talk with him about the impact the saturday night sessions are having. I think it's reasonable to ask that he goes every other week, and/or if you're happy he has sat evenings off, that he does more to prioritise eg friday and sunday evenings with the family. I think it's also fair to know that he's doing the house up for the family, right? That's a massive commitment to you all. It also won't last forever, so he and you need to work out how best to balance everybody's needs until that time is more available for other things again.

I get that his interests and lifestyle are changing significantly and that's not what you signed up for. You may decide it's time to end the relationship as a result, which would be fair enough. But I think most people's interests will wax and wane over the years anyway, and that maybe you and he can grow into this change. If he means it when he says part of it is make him a better father and partner perhaps keep those lines of communication open, ask what he means by that, what he sees in himself changing, and communicate what a better father looks like to him re time with kids, where they sit priority-wise c/w religion, etc.

Eachypeach

re your comment:-
"He isn't a bad person, and I do love him, but I just don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. And I would/will feel so guilty for breaking up our family. Oh I don't know what to do"

Do you love him or are you really now confusing this with codependency?. His needs here are not more important that yours or his childrens.

Do you think he feels guilty; not a bit of it. Sod feeling guilty here, he has caused this by his actions. He has also moved three other people into your home and they are sleeping in a shed you made him build.

I think this "union of the plants" sect he is in will be ultimately the death knell of your marriage. You need to decide whether this is all worth it because from the outside looking in I am wondering what you are getting out of this relationship now.

And also no, he is not a good dad if he is treating you and in turn his children like this. Not even close. Women in poor relationships often write that comment or versions thereof also when they themselves can say nothing positive about their man.

Absolute deal breaker. YANBU in the slightest. He'd be seeing his children when he can prove he's clean and sober.

Ah the old “meditation aid”...so, drugs.

People are focusing on that because it’s unlikely he would be so obsessive about his new faith if he wasn’t having the incentive of getting high every weekend (even if that is on a subconscious level). If the drug wasn’t there you may not have a problem.

FWIW though religion alone wouldn’t automatically be a deal breaker but it would genuinely make me question who I married (we are both absolutely atheist). The preachiness would and any hypocritical bullshit about wanting to be a better dad while fucking off out every weekend rather than spending time with us.

Is there a chance this might die a natural death once these friends leave? If so I’d wait until they’ve left and reassess after a little while. Otherwise I think you need to consider your marriage will never be the same :(

Your DH has just invested in the latest, most faddish form of "spiritual bypassing". Unfortunately, the only way out seems to be through - and not everyone grows out of it.

Sorry I missed that it’s been a year or more serious involvement so obviously not just worsening due to the house guests. I had wondered if that was why it’s now that you’ve posted but I guess it’s more intense now with them here 💐

2 people in the last week in the news after dying from ayahuasca...

Op I think you need to stop think of this as a religion. You DH takes hallucinogenics for four hours every Saturday. As someone with a fairly 'liberal' approach to drugs when younger, I can tell you that it will affect him all Sunday too, as he will be on a come down.

This is a drugs issue not a regions divide.

Sorry, not a religion issue...

Also, ime synthetic and 'natural' hallucinogens have the same effect. I felt as though I'd entered an alternate universe for quite some time after I stopped.

OK, so it's actually a drug problem then isn't it?

You poor thing OP.

If it were me I’d definitely be planning my exit, he changed the rules of the game in more way than one.

Extreme religion and drugs is not what you signed up for.

Imagine if your children somehow got hold of ayahuasca - it doesn’t bear thinking about.
I also agree with others that this is a convenient way for him to check out of the relationship