DH has found a 'religion'

[EachyPeachPearyPlum]

Apologies for the lengthy 'ramble'. I can't sort my thoughts out. I also apologise if I word anything badly, I honestly don't mean to offend.

I am agnostic, leaning towards atheist, but have not really thought through my feelings in depth. DH is from a different country that is also very different culturally. He was brought up Catholic, has always said he believes in God, but has never (in the 8yrs I've known him) practiced religion/Catholicism.

He has friends deeply involved in a spiritual 'movement'/'religion'? I don't even know what to call it. Friends/family I have spoken to call it a cult, DH calls it a Centre of Spiritual Study. He has dabbled in the past as something he is interested in but has enjoyed his lifestyle too much to really engage. In the last year he has become much more seriously involved, to the point where every Saturday night is a 'session' of meditation from 8pm-midnight. He has stopped drinking completely, has changed his interest in music totally to now only play certain songs that give messages of love and peace. He feels that he has become a better person, who is more aware of his failings, and is learning to be, amongst other things, more accepting, a better father (to DS, 2.5yrs) and in the near future to DC2, due Jan 19. He describes himself as a 'shaman'.

His newfound beliefs are causing friction or my inability to accept his beliefs are.
I feel that he has become almost fanatical, 80-90% of our conversations seem to end up with me receiving a mini lecture on something to do with the teachings he is learning. I am 5 months pregnant, so am not drinking, but I do like an evening out and a drink, and a lot of our life together has involved drinking and socialising with like minded friends, often in bars playing rock music. Our honeymoon was basically a motorbike tour of bars in Europe! We live fairly rurally now and, with young DC, going out isn't a regular occurrence, but I would like to continue to enjoy the lifestyle we built together.

I hate the fact that God comes up in our conversations so often, it makes me feel uncomfortable, but I really don't know why. Maybe because it is just so different from my instinctive beliefs. He 'accepts' that I will continue to drink, but doesn't like it, I Don't like the thought that he will be watching and judging me every time I do have a glass, especially if our children are around. I don't like that his sessions have become more important than family time, though he denies that. We (he!) Have been renovating and he is very, very busy both with our house and working long hours at work. I often complain we don't have much family time, which he agrees with, but will ALWAYS stop on a Saturday in time to prepare for and participate in his session, but won't always for family time if there is something 'important' to finish on the house.

We have had some big arguments because of tension built up from this. It doesn't help of course, that I am pregnant and probably hormonal, and also, we have his, also deeply involved, friend and his family (DW, DC3 and DC1) staying with us for SIX weeks, in our 2 bedroom house. It's also horribly hot (not UK) and I can't just be comfortable in my own home due to said guests.

I don't know what my point of this is. Has anyone else had experience of a partner finding religion? How has it affected your relationship? Thanks

"shaman" ahahh oh dear!
I understand that you love him and so on, but you seriously should think about getting out of this relations. Its not like one is going to church on Sundays and other not. This is sect and usually they are dangerous. Obviously if your DH drinking there some tea to "talk to spirits" its not normal and it will affect your children.

I have similar experience, but with my mom. When I was in high school she started attending some religious sect "School of United Principle" (smth like that), what is based on Christianity, but hinted with bits of all other religions. Make it short - she became obsessed with it! Her sister was going to "school" too and they had homework to do: whole night they could discuss "secret messages" in fairytales. She was listening some terrible music which she got from there to "clear the energetic space at home". I have very good ear and that singing is just annoying, on what my mom was saying that its my spirit is blocked with negative, so thats why I can accept this music. I was drugged to church multiple times. She put icons of all possible saints at home, carrying icons in hand bag , was buying them for me as well, so we are protected from evil spirits. Whatever I was asking her to explain about why she is doing some stuff, she couldnt. They are told there that something works certain way and thats it. And they are all like that there, just zombies. And whatever happens there is always some spirital explanation. They do meditate there and "see" something. They teach people there that now they know some secret stuff, got understanding of everything and they are spiritually higher than other people.
It became better, mostly because I moved out long time ago. But she is still like that, when I had my infant baby crying she suggested to light some candle and pray, because its probably because I took him to shopping mall that day and he absorbed all negative energy of that place

Sorry if that was too long, but thats not even a half.

If your H wont stop, you might be living in nightmare.

I can see why you see it as a religious/cult issue. I wouldn't even have dated someone who had these kind of beliefs.

my concern with the drug is the effect on you and your family though. It might seem like he's been dealing with it fine, but one day there will be goodness knows what in the batch.

also, tactically speaking, talk to him as if it's a drug issue. Perhaps if he stops his Saturday session he will see things more clearly?

Seeing as you want to pretend the drugs bit doesn't matter I'll answer just about religion. For me it could well be a dealbreaker. Superficial differences like not liking the same films, music, food etc are manageable but things that form your fundamental feelings and approach to life (including raising children) are much harder when they are pretty much opposed. Religion and politics come under this for me. If my DH took up religion it would indicate a change in his core personality that was completely opposed to mine. I would not choose to be in a relationship to someone with such different views to mine so I shouldn't be forced to do so just because they changed after marriage.

I haven't read a belief system aspect to this so sorry, can't comment on that. Many people come over all deep and suddenly enlightened whilst under the influence. Not to mention the hours lost rambling about conspiracy theories, intense introversion and generalised bullshit.
Your DH has found a bunch of like minded folk who get off their faces religiously and are united in their brotherhood.
I wouldn't feel particularly safe with the children around him, I hope you have support where you are.

Ayahuasca and other hallucinogens are legitimately used in shamanic initiation rituals, and have been for 1000s of years.

Authentic initiation is actually really tough.

Thanks for all the replies. I guess I need to do some serious thinking, heart-searching and talking. FWIW, he absolutely isn't 'off his face' and he doesn't have a come down the next day at all. I've been doing some more research this afternoon, and the active ingredient, DMT, when taken orally, has a 4-6 hr time frame. So ends with the end of his session, as it were. I'm not making excuses though.
He is at home for his sessions, I have been doing the childcare/bedtimes on these days. If it were his hobby as opposed to his religion, I would have no issue doing that once a week.
When I made the point about drinking, it's not that I want to go out drinking specifically, and of course I can go with friends and have fun, and my lifestyle and wants have obviously changed a bit with DC, but the fact is that his life choice has effectively forced mine to change too. As a married couple lifestyle at least.
The actual religious bit of his practice has been waylaid by the drug factor. It is definitely there. And has a big focus on God, being Love and Peace, the family, harmony with other people and nature.

He is on his own spiritual journey. You will struggle to understand this until you are at the same point. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. Try to keep an open mind. The universe is a truly amazing place and one day, everyone will be far more aware then they are now. People are slowly realising what life is about but it does sound crazy when you first come across it. He is accessing his Higher Self and obtaining amazing knowledge. You tube has great information. Look at Channeling Erik and Delores Cannon and Wayne Dyer and Alba Weinman. Read Conversations with God. It will seem incredible at first but give it a try.

Make whatever excuses you like for your husband as you are starting to sound as deluded as him.

And for you to allow the dangerous narcotic psychedelic potion stuff sessions to be done under your own roof whilst your kids are about is fucking disgusting, so is having him around the kids when he's dicing with this dangerous shite.

And I'm pretty sure social services' ears would prick up if they knew what was going on.

So he's on drugs bit drinking is bad yeah deal breaker for me too, yanbu

Yeah, hypocrisy or what? Booze is bad but hallucinogens fine!

Yes, you’re being irresponsible to allow the drugs in your home.

Reported to HMNQ.

P.S never tell a bunch of folk on the tinternet that you are allowing dangerous drugs to be taken around kids. It doesn't matter whether they are in bed or not.

Hope you get a visit from Social Services.

Well if his new religion has a big emphasis on the family and in living in harmony with others, he needs to get his act together pronto about his marriage. If 80/90% of your conversations end with him lecturing you then that’s not very harmonious, is it?

I believe in God so for me the religious part wouldn't be a deal breaker it sounds like a lot of it is spreading love ECT so personally I don't have a problem with that. Does he only go to one session a week when your children are in bed ? if so would you have a problem with that if he was going to the gym or playing football ? The tea drink i know nothing about so couldn't comment but if he works , is doing up your house and you say he's a good dad then I don't think I would mind the one session he goes to.now if you find he is talking about it too much and obviously you don't believe I would ask him to tone that down as you do not share his beliefs and see what happens

He is on his own spiritual journey. You will struggle to understand this until you are at the same point. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience. Try to keep an open mind. He is accessing his Higher Self and obtaining amazing knowledge.

Why does he need drugs to have a spiritual experience and access his higher self? I'm pretty sure the Dalai Lama doesn't advocate that.

I'll say it again because I think it was either missed or not taken seriously, but meditating for long periods of time, can cause serious mental health damage.

"The serious, long-lasting nature of some of the negative experiences reported, however, are cause for concern. People who experience depression, suicidal feelings or other serious problems after meditation should seek medical help"

www.nhs.uk/news/lifestyle-and-exercise/does-meditation-carry-a-risk-of-harmful-side-effects/#conclusion

Putting the drugs completely aside...a partner becoming religious would be a deal breaker for me:

1. I wouldn’t want my kids around it
2. I would feel we were now fundamentally incompatible in our outlook on life

It’s really hard when kids are young -you become dependent on the co-parenting relationship, knowing you are working together to raise them with someone who cares about them as much as you...the adult relationship takes a back seat. But don’t delay too long, OP, it sounds like you know it’s over and are waiting for the right time. It will get harder rather than easier as time passes...

Does he have to pay for the "tea"

My stbxh became totally obsessed with spiritualism. Its the obsession and what it means thats really concerning (and of course the drug taking) The problem is when one person becomes totally obsessed then there is little room for the relationship. It can become the total focus of their lives and take over from the focus being the family. Let alone adding in all the like minded people that he will meet, which unfortunately will yet again put you on the back burner. I have nothing against religion at all but i think it needs to stay in proportion and needs to be useful in your life not disruptive and dividing.
I also think some people hide behind religious to hide their faults and their insecurities, there people are easily manipulated and can in turn use the situation to manipulate others.

How long has he been into this? Be careful