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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help married man affair

76 replies

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 15:59

Right I really need some advice.

I had a message last night from the wife of a married man I had a relationship with. It started in 2014 and finished the same year. It then restarted in late 2016 and finished by feb 2017. I didn’t know he was married. He apparently has young children. She says she found a valentines card from me to him and that he says I was his stalker. I’ve replied to the message saying it’s priobsbkh best we speak over the phone. Please, please advise me. Should I lie and risk my happy (very recent) marriage to save his? I honestly did not know he was married. What do I do? His wife deserves the truth, I’d want to know if it was me no matter how painful. I feel so awful for his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 16:00

Just for clarification I wasn’t with him when I met my dh.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 20/09/2018 16:04

Leave it alone. You didn't tell her at the time so don't get involved now.

TheQueef · 20/09/2018 16:06

She knows now so better put your side to her, delicately.
Avoid her coming round to have it out.
Tell Dh too.

ErickBroch · 20/09/2018 16:09

I would tell her - also i don't see why you can't tell your DH, you had no idea he was married.

Gracey88 · 20/09/2018 16:11

I would tell her everything and answer any questions she has honestly. You did not know and whatever she does with the information you give her is up to her.

HarmlessChap · 20/09/2018 16:12

Tell her the truth, he lied to the pair of you.

She knows nobody would keep a Valentine's card from a stalker, she just wants it confirmed.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 20/09/2018 16:13

What's the risk to your marriage if it was before you met your DH and you didn't know he was married? I'd give her chapter and verse, poor woman.

Adora10 · 20/09/2018 16:17

Tell her the truth, if in fact you are telling us the truth, 3 years on and off and you never clicked he was married with children, mmmm.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/09/2018 16:18

I would tell your DH just in case he finds out another way (the wife).
Otherwise you have no obligations.
If she makes life difficult for you simply tell her he lied to you that he wasn't married.

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 16:19

I’m going to speak to my dh tonight. Obviously he knows I was seeing someone before I met him but neither of us knew this guy was married. I want to deal with this in the kindest possible way.

OP posts:
JeffJarrett · 20/09/2018 16:20

Why would you risk your own relationship to save his if you didn't know he was married?!? He's the one in the wrong surely. Confused

I'd come clean. She already knows something happened so it's not like you're the one doing the contacting out of the blue.

There are always so many women on here driving themselves crazy wondering if their partners are/have cheated. Put her out of her misery and tell her the truth. I'd want to know if it were me.

MaisyPops · 20/09/2018 16:21

What s the risk to your marriage? You say you weren't with DH then.

To me it's simple, you calmly tell her that a few years ago you were single and entered an on off relationship with him. You didn't know he was married, it fizzled out & for everyone's sake you've just moved on with your life and are happily married now.
Then my questions to her would be if you knew he was married, why would you send him a physical Valentine's day card that could blow the affair? If man claims he has a stalker, why would he keep a Valentine's card for multiple years?

Redbus1030 · 20/09/2018 16:22

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Loopytiles · 20/09/2018 16:22

Tell the poor woman. She deserves the information to take decisions about her life.

Why would it affect your own relationship, if you really didn’t know he was married?

PatriciaHolm · 20/09/2018 16:22

I don't understand why you would be risking your marriage?

You had a relationship pre-marriage, no overlap with your DH, big deal.
Unless the bloke is someone you really shouldn't have been seeing regardless of his marital status, there can be no comeback on you, surely?

BackInTheRoom · 20/09/2018 16:25

So presumably he didn't take you to his family home then?

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 16:30

Risking my marriage was the wrong choice of words. I’m not risking anything by telling his wife the truth. This whole thing has shaken me up, I didn’t know he was married and now I feel guilty even though I have done nothing wrong. I feel awful, that poor woman is wondering what the hell is going on. I thought it was odd he asked me to send the card to his work, he sent me one in return (which I didn’t keep). I’m waiting for her to call or reply. My dad walked out when I was 4, for another woman. I feel so guilty even though I’ve done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 16:31

Backintheroom No. In 2014 he said he was working away in my city so it was hotels. Same thing in 2016.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 20/09/2018 16:35

Good for you Wellfuckmeinbothears

I don’t know snyone who wouldn’t want to know if their partner was cheating. You have nothing to gain from telling her other than knowing you’re helping somebody by giving them the knowledge they deserve in order to make their own decision.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/09/2018 16:37

Shit I thought I’d blacked out all the names

OP posts:
Adora10 · 20/09/2018 16:38

He deceived both of you then, grass him up, he's a slimy git.

YeTalkShiteHen · 20/09/2018 16:39

I’ve reported your pic for you OP so MNHQ can edit/remove it.

I’d be honest with her, she deserves that. It’s not like you knew and were complicit, so you have nothing to hide.

Tell your DH too, that way it’s all out in the open and the ex can’t shit stir.

MeMyselfand · 20/09/2018 16:42

Ask mumsnet to remove it.

Just explain to her sorry you didn't know he was married, you seen him for however long and it's been over for a long time, you would never have seen him if you knew. There isn't much else to tell her really is there.

How did she get your number?

LexieLulu · 20/09/2018 16:42

I'd be honest with her, she deserves honesty. What she takes from your discussion is up to her

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