Please help married man affair

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Right I really need some advice.

I had a message last night from the wife of a married man I had a relationship with. It started in 2014 and finished the same year. It then restarted in late 2016 and finished by feb 2017. I didn’t know he was married. He apparently has young children. She says she found a valentines card from me to him and that he says I was his stalker. I’ve replied to the message saying it’s priobsbkh best we speak over the phone. Please, please advise me. Should I lie and risk my happy (very recent) marriage to save his? I honestly did not know he was married. What do I do? His wife deserves the truth, I’d want to know if it was me no matter how painful. I feel so awful for his family.

If I get a reply I’m going to email her with dates and places. I want to do this as kindly as possible.

I've read the thread OP, only letting you know how it looks, if I was his wife I'd find it all very suspicious, up to you if you agree or not, good luck regardless, hope she finds out what a creep he is.

Happy to bugger off as you put it but I'd imagine I'm not the only one thinking this way, esp his wife.

Already said I am not saying you are lying, merely explaining to you how it looks, you met your husband and married him within a year of breaking up with married man......I'll bugger off now, cheerio.

If you’d read the thread you would have seen I’d already mentioned finding it odd he requested the card to be sent to his office, that he was working away in my home city, one of the main reasons I wanted to be with him and the timeline of my current marriage. However you dress it up, it looks like you are indirectly accusing me. I started this thread for help on how to help his wife. I am on her side. It shouldn’t look suspicious because it isn’t, I have just found out a man I thought I knew for 4 years is a lieing cheating scumbag. That hurts. I feel cheated and stupid and guilty. Please, read the facts and then either write something constructive or yes, bugger off. I’m not quite in bits but I imagine there is a woman in the midlands who is and I feel truly shit.

*didnt want to be with him not wanted to be with him!

It sounds like he's genuine trash.

When you talk to his wife, just stick to the honest truth. You didn't know. He didn't tell you. You're horrified now that you've found out. You never would have slept with him if you knew.

Stick to that at all costs, be reconciliatory, and offer huge amounts of sympathy and understanding as much as possible. However I would try to make this the first, last, and only time you have contact with either of them ever again. The absolute last thing you need is to get dragged into their disintegrating marriage.

I would 100% tell her truth and with all possible details, so he won’t be able to lie her and get out of it.
Send her message with all possible “evidences” you have for her and then maybe talk if she wants.

I agree with you OP, bugger off Adora!

Don't worry about people thinking it's suspicious, you know that it's not, you've explained yourself (enough times!!) and you're doing the right thing with the wife. Probably best to message rather than speak. Good luck!

You sound like a good person OP. Tell her the facts and do mention why you stopped seeing him, due to using prostitutes. She deserves to know the truth so she can make a fully informed decision.

This is such a difficult situation which happened to a friend of mine also. Personally, I'd try see it from the wife's point of view and I know I would wanna know what my husband has been up to regardless of how much it will hurt or ruin there relationship. To be honest he ruined there marriage when he slept with you not you. I think you should tell the truth and let his wife have the choice on what she wants to do with this. When my friend told the other woman she decided to stay with him but it was her right to know and make that decision xx

Thank you Sethis. I take absolutely no pleasure in any of this, I hate having to be the one to tell her the kind of person her husband is. But if the roles were reversed I’d want to know. I adore my dh and I believe he loves me. I can’t imagine finding out something like this. And I feel really selfish for feeling so cheated. How dare he not tell me. In 2014 he told me he loved me, I broke up with him. How dare he drag me into this. I don’t want to hurt his wife or kids. I’ve been on the receiving end of this as a child whose father couldn’t keep it in his pants and as a wife whose husband cheated again and again. The last thing I want is to cause any pain. I didn’t know. I hate that I’ve been involved in something so sordid.

Thing is I genuinely don’t have any evidence. I didn’t keep the crappy forever friends card he sent me in 2017 because it wasn’t serious, it didn’t mean anything to me. I didn’t keep texts because I didn’t want to be with him after what he’d told me about his escapades with sex workers and how that was “his right”. In 2014 I genuinely fell for him. I thought “this is it”. I had come out of an awful marriage, I met him and fell hard. He said and did all the right things. Declared undying love, booked romantic hotels etc. But now I know that was all because he had to stay away from home. I don’t even know if he worked for the company he said he did. Then he started banging on about “using” sex workers. I hated that, they’re people. You don’t “use” them. So I dumped him in maybe Oct/nov 2014. Then in (I think) November 2016 he got back in touch, said he was sorry etc. I had just fled a dv relationship (the man I had been with aug 2015 to aug 2016 ended up inside for battery, GBH and ABH) and so I replied. Saw him 3 times between November 2016 and feb 2017 before breaking up with him again because he hadn’t changed. I feel so, so shit and so bloody stupid. I took his word for it all. I never looked him up on Facebook, insta. I feel like a complete idiot.

You poor thing - don't lie to her, she already suspects it so it's better to just tell the truth.

I also think tickingthebox phrases it well - maybe change 'an on-off relationship between 2014-2017' to 'a brief relationship in 2014 and again even more briefly in the winter of 2016-2017' or something like that, because it makes it clearer why you didn't realise he was married.

I would also be prepared for her to be angry with you and suspicious that you did know - it's not your fault at all, but you can't necessarily expect her to see it that way, at least not immediately.

Just saw your last post - don't blame yourself - it's normal to believe are who they say they are, otherwise we would all go crazy with suspicion.

It sounds like you've had a terrible time, and I am v glad you are now with your lovely DH, whom you did the right thing in telling about the message.

Just tell her the truth, and then let it go. It's his fault, not yours.

Oh I absolutely expect her to be angry with me, to hate me. In her shoes I’d be fuming. I’d be angry and above all very, very hurt. I want her to know the truth, there is nothing I can tell her about her husband that won’t hurt her or those kids. I just want to go about it in the kindest way possible. I have to tell her the truth; she deserves that. And I fully expect her to take that out on me, I know if i I were her I’d want to believe my husband. I’m scared, I hate confrontation. But I would want to know if I was her. Her husband is a lying cheating piece of shit and she should be allowed to make an informed decision. I don’t know for sure but I suspect I wasn’t the only woman he was cheating with, I saw a few texts, he plausibly explained them away but now I wonder?

Best to put it in a text so you and she have a record of what was said. Poor woman, she must be in bits and has been gaslit all over the place. I expect she knows the truth really but is looking to confirm.

Oh I absolutely expect her to be angry with me, to hate me.

Not necessarily. The point of sharing my story was that actually the wife can be sincerely grateful for the information. In my case - just like yours - I had no idea the man was married. If I had I wouldn't have been with him.

His wife was pleased to meet me. She already knew some of what happened, and she had other questions for me - which I was happy to answer. The more knowledge she had the more control, iyswim. She saw me as an ally. She had young DC too.

Thank you @Prawn that’s really helpful. I’m hoping me telling her the facts will be helpful to her. I know it’ll be painful, I’ve been through it myself. But the thing I want most is to help. It hurts even knowing how much he lied to me, she must be in pieces.

I would message her and say you are happy to discuss via text if she doesn't want to talk, I would imagine actually speaking to you would be very difficult for her.

It's quite straightforward really isn't it ? He's told his side of the story - you're a stalker who's Valentine card he just happened to keep and may still have your number in his phone ? Well just tell yours - on off relationship , you'd no idea he was married and you broke contact with him because he talked about using prostitutes - it's your word against his , essentially she'll never know who is telling the truth but will have to make her mind up who she believes and how to move forward . Essentially whether you knew or suspected he was married or not is irrelevant . Good luck . She doesn't need to know you're happily married either - all she needs is your side of the story .

Just got off the phone with his wife. I feel so much better for having spoken to her and she said she does too.

Thank you for all the advice. He’s a scumbag x

Glad you got that sorted. You are braver than me to phone but glad it went well. Feel for her but at least she can stop wasting any more of her life on him.

Good. That must make you feel so much better. Poor woman deserves the truth. Her scumbag husband isn't going to be honest, is he?

Talking to my married man's wife made both of us feel better.

It would have been so hurtful for her to hear but she will so feel relief at being told the truth. You have taken away the nagging doubts. I very much doubt most cheaters tell the honest facts and it must be so frustrating for the one being cheated on.

I hope it made her feel better, she said it did. I was completely honest, apologised for hurting her family and explained I hadn’t known. She seemed calm, collected and completely lovely. I just hope being honest helped. She seemed unsurprised about the sex worker stuff.

Well done, @Wellfuckmeinbothears, that can't have been an easy or fun conversation! With any luck this will be the absolute last you hear from either of them, ever.

None of this was your fault. Flat. He lied to you just as much as he lied to her, and he took advantage of both of you. There are things growing under rocks with more spine and moral fiber than men like that.

Best of luck to your and your DH for the future.