Please help married man affair

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Right I really need some advice.

I had a message last night from the wife of a married man I had a relationship with. It started in 2014 and finished the same year. It then restarted in late 2016 and finished by feb 2017. I didn’t know he was married. He apparently has young children. She says she found a valentines card from me to him and that he says I was his stalker. I’ve replied to the message saying it’s priobsbkh best we speak over the phone. Please, please advise me. Should I lie and risk my happy (very recent) marriage to save his? I honestly did not know he was married. What do I do? His wife deserves the truth, I’d want to know if it was me no matter how painful. I feel so awful for his family.

Hasn’t she asked herself why he kept the card? It’s the second question I’d ask after who the fuck is !

Just text her back

"XXX and I had an on-off relationship between 2014-2017, mostly carried out in hotels in XXX country where we were both working. I was unaware of any ties, I believed he was single, as was I. Your text has come as quite a shock. We cut all contact in month 2017 and I am now happily married - On reflection probably best if we don't speak, but happy to answer any questions, no stalking was involved."

Thank you Ye, I’ve reported it too.

I’ve spoken to dh at work so he now knows. And you’re right, he deceived us both. I just feel terrible. His poor wife. Until last night when she found the card she must have thought she had a happy marriage. He’s a dick. How could he? He also talked about using prostitutes and how it was a normal thing for a bloke. Thats one of the main reasons I didn’t want to be with him.

I think I should talk to her over the phone rather than messaging, or would that be more hurtful to her?

I dumped a man (X) after I found out he was married. Many months later I was in a club and one of my friends said X's wife is coming over. She walked right across the dance floor towards me. I didn't know what to do, was scared she might make a scene.

She sat down, smiled, said that people had told her I'd ditched him for being married and told everyone what a shit he was. She said she had suspected him in the past but had never had proof. She was now divorcing him thanks to me and could she buy me a drink.

So be brave. Tell the truth. Give her the power of knowledge in her relationship.

I’d want to hear your voice, it’s easier to gauge honesty hearing than reading I think.

I’m glad you’ve told your DH, that removes another way of that Dickhead causing trouble for you.

And you’re absolutely right, he’s a liar and you didn’t know. You are not responsible for whatever happens next, only if you’d know would you be.

I personally hope she fucks everything he owns into the front garden and changes the locks!

MeMyselfand she has messaged me on Facebook.

If she does get in touch I will tell her all she wants to know. I just feel so shit about it. Those poor kids.

I can see she has read the message but no reply or call yet. Hopefully mumsnet will delete the photo with names in so here is one with names blacked out.

Those poor kids have been failed by their father, not by you OP. You had no idea, so this is news to you just as it is to her.

Hopefully she calls soon and you can tell her everything and then draw a line under it and move on.

He also fucked you about OP and put your sexual health at risk, and now prostitutes, what a delight he sounds; you must tell her everything.

How did she know your number?

You married your husband very quickly afterwards, didn't you, if the affair was still ongoing in 2017.

Hollow as far as I was concerned it wasn’t an affair. I was single, I thought he was single. And yes, it was very fast.

She doesn’t know my number, she found me on Facebook.

So it ended in 2017, how long you been married to your DH then, it's all sounding a bit dodgy, esp as well that you don't actually seem bothered about him deceiving you, unless of course you knew...

Good luck - honesty is always best. Answer questions honestly with as little detail as possible and don't offer anything extra. He lied to you and her now honesty your friend. Be honest to yourself, her and your husband.

I would tell her, gently. You've done nothing wrong.
I was in a similar position many many years ago, I had no idea he was married, I told his wife.
A few months or so later I met her by chance and she thanked me for it, she was divorcing him and said she'd suspected for ages but never had any proof and that she was now much happier.

When did you meet your husband?

Of course I’m bothered. I wouldn’t have started this thread asking how to best help his wife if I had wasnt. I didn’t know this man was married. Having experienced the devastation infidelity can cause firsthand, I wouldn’t have done that. Of course there will always be those who don’t believe me. I met my dh in March 2017. In 2014 I’d have described my relationship with “married man” as serious. We broke up and then rekindled very late 2016 (I think just before Xmas) but it was not serious. We met maybe 3 times between November 2016 and feb 2017. I met my dh in March.

I will be honest with her, she deserves that. I just feel so guilty. I know it isn’t my fault, but I feel like I should have known.

How did she know which person to look for on Facebook, did you write your whole name in the card? LOL

Tell her the truth.

I honestly don’t know the answer to that. I can only guess that she saw my name in the card and looked it up in his phone and found my email which is attached to my Facebook? I honestly don’t know. I’ve had the same phone number for 3 years.

And no, I signed the card with the initial of my first name as I do with all texts, cards etc. I have a fairly unusual first name which I hate so I tend to just use the initial. I find it bizarre that he kept the card. I can only assume it massaged his horribly misguided ego.

Great wording from tickingthebox aling with an option for her to still call if that would help her.

You didn't find it odd him asking you to send the card to his work and not his home address, and in 3 years you were never at his home, not once?

Why did yous break up and get back together again?

Sorry not saying you are lying but if i was his wife I'd be highly suspicious that you knew nothing in over 3 years.

I would tell her.

I would text back to say that you're very sorry her husband told you he was single and give the dates. I would also mention he said it was normal for men to use prostitutes and that was why we split. I have since met someone else and married but was single then. I am so sorry to have to tell you this and for the impact it will have on you and your children but I think you have a right to know the sort of man you are married to.

I think a text would be better than phone as it will shock her and she's likely to be very upset. I expect she realises but knowing for definite will still hurt like crazy.

I’ve already said I found it odd he asked me to send it to his work. And yes, I did find it odd I never once went to his home but he was working in my home city 120 miles from his home. And I have already said why we broke up, he talked about using prostitutes. Adora if you can’t be bothered to read the thread, even just my responses, please refrain from commenting. It isn’t helpful. I have done nothing wrong, I am looking for advice on how best to delicately help a wife I knew nothing about. Your responses prove you haven’t read the thread and are indirectly accusing me. I want to help this woman, I have experienced infidelity as a child and as a married woman (my ex husband had an affair) and my reason for posting is to seek advice on how to deal with this. So frankly, either read my replies or bugger off. I have enough on my plate.