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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't know if he loves me anymore

87 replies

Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 15:03

DH and I have been together for 15 years. We have two small DC. For the past 6 months he has been distancing himself and wanting to spend time alone.

Last night he said that he was unhappy and he didn't think the spark was there between us anymore (how can it be if he won't talk to me or spend time with me?). He keeps saying that he's unhappy but wont offer a way to fix it, etc.

I don't know what to do. I love this man so much and have told him that the only reason I havent told him to leave over these months is because I know that he will regret it and is making a massive mistake.

I just want to make things better but he can't pinpoint why he's unhappy. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
eelbecomingforyou · 17/09/2018 15:05

Do you think there is another woman?

I would tell him to leave. it's not fair on you living on tenterhooks all the time. Time to concentrate on yourself and look after yourself.

I'm sorry Flowers

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 15:09

No, there is no ow. He just seems lost and confused. Just finding it difficult to see how his feelings can just change so suddenly.

OP posts:
LanaorAna2 · 17/09/2018 15:09

Is he waiting for you to boot him out so he can act the victim?

user1492863869 · 17/09/2018 15:36

His feelings could change for so many reasons. The usual ones are that he has met or reconnected with somebody else, he is depressed, or he no longer sees you in the same light. I assume we can discount the last one and that you would know if you had done something to provoke that.

Another women, doesn't need to be a physical and sexual affair. It could be a whole range of entanglements from the past or present. Be watchful for the signs but it might be unrequited and an internalised emotion that is making him check out.

Depression is more than unhappiness and is something really hard to deal with. Questioning and probing his feelings are going to exasperate things. If you think he is depressed you need a whole new lexicon of language to get to the bottom of things. Acceptance of his feelings, support and affirmation are the way to go. Its not easy and can be quite draining especially as you know helping him maynot save your relationship. You are seeing a different person and the old person may never re-emerge.

Please be careful approaching this as a depressive episode and hoping he will come back to you when it lifts. It may just be unhappiness and he may just need to end the relationship.

showmeahero · 17/09/2018 15:41

Sounds like he may be dealing with depression... Can you write him a letter / email if he won't talk to you Face to Face? Couples counselling or a weekend away? Thanks

onitlikeacarbonnet · 17/09/2018 15:42

I’ll start by saying that I know you are not me.
And you can tell me I’m dead wrong and, if I am, I’ll be happier than you would ever think, but...

My ‘d’h said very (very, VERY) similar after a similar detachment process.
Denied an OW (who I’d suspected for a few months).
2 weeks later (after I’d spent that time trying to prove that I was worthy and feeling absolutely devastated because I knew by then he was lying about her), they were found out by her husband and mine had to come clean.
I loved him with my whole being and didn’t want him to leave. I pleaded and begged him to stay. Going as far as telling him to keep her too if it meant our dc wouldn’t have to suffer. It wasn’t enough and I hate myself for doing the pick me dance.

If I had that time again, I’d have spent it getting my ducks in a row. Finances, paperwork, legal advice.

If there’s not an OW, I’d be surprised.
Search for “the script” on here and wait for him to tick through the list of reasons/excuses/blaming and you’ll be less shocked. Or search my username and read the threads for yourself.

I’m so sorry. I hope I’m wrong Sad

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 17/09/2018 15:43

OW. 99.99 %

Apileofballyhoo · 17/09/2018 15:47

I hope it isn't, but it sounds awfully similar to many affair posts on here. Concentrate on yourself and what you want. Don't hang around waiting for him to make a decision - if he doesn't want to be with you he should leave. Perhaps give him a couple of weeks to make up his mind.

In the meantime, build your own life and get out of the house as much as possible leaving DC with him, one night mid week, and every other weekend. Do not make anything easy for him. Do not prepare food or leave out clothes etc for DC. Do not accommodate him in any way, shape or form. All bets are off at the moment and you are no longer a team until he recommits. You are a person too and nothing gives him the right to pull this indecisive crap on you.

Mintychoc1 · 17/09/2018 15:49

I hate to say it, but I've lost count of the number of similar threads on MN, and there's always an OW.

JeSuisPrest · 17/09/2018 15:53

My situation was very similar to @onitlikeacarbonnet.

Last April STBXH was having "mental health" issues, felt he wasn't being a good DD or husband, wanted to move our for a few weeks to gain some space and regroup his thoughts without "family pressures" Hmm. 8 months later he was still living in a "mates" spare room, seeing DD regularly, going out as a family etc and the OW of 18 months (!) updated her FB profile with a pic of them both as a lovey dovey couple Shock.

His mental health issues were because he was living a double life. 17 years down the drain and now going through divorce.

IME men very rarely leave unless they've had their head turned by someone, and he's telling you the spark is there and not with you.

PlinkPlink · 17/09/2018 15:59

It's not acceptable after 15 years to just leave with no explanation. He needs to treat you with more respect than that. You deserve an explanation. Your kids deserve an explanation.

Ask him please to really think about why, do some soul searching and give you this explanation. It may be lots of things that can be worked on.

If they can't, then you both know what to do.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 17/09/2018 15:59

'He doesn't know if he loves me' = 'He's hedging his bets because either a better offer has come along or he thinks he is eligible for one but in case that falls through he can keep you dangling'

That was the case for me even though there wasn't an OW - he was generally unhappy anyway but it was only when he eyeballed someone he fancied (it wasn't reciprocated btw) he suddenly got depression. It was months of torture before he finally dumped me - and had an unpleasant surprise when I found out remarkably quickly how little I missed him.

It hurts but you are best off calling his bluff - let him move out. Only do your domestic tasks in the meantime.

LollyPopsApple · 17/09/2018 16:13

No, there is no ow. He just seems lost and confused. Just finding it difficult to see how his feelings can just change so suddenly.

It doesn’t sound sudden though: it’s been going on for six months?

He hasn’t expressed that he wants to either end the relationship or find a way to work on it so you can find happiness together again?

It sounds like he’s just told you this is how he feels but made no statement about what he wants to happen from now onwards. Have you discussed this since?

I’m sorry but I think if he’s been unable to regain his feelings for you over six months of trying, the end may be in sight. It doesn’t necessarily make a difference whether there’s another woman or not. If he is no longer happy or in love with you, the relationship will probably end. The question is how much pain you’re both willing to go through trying to fix it before you agree to walk away. I’m so sorry.

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 16:23

It hasn't been six months of him trying though. He has just been withdrawn during that time.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2018 16:33

Sorry OP but I think you need to expect an OW to pop up - even if he hasn't done anything yet.

Sounds like the first page of The Script...

Adora10 · 17/09/2018 16:45

Regardless if he has fallen out of love with you then it's up to him to move out and let you accept this; not hang about hedging his bets, I'd also not be saying you can stay cos I think you are making a mistake, let him make his own mistake, he's a grown man, it's not acceptable to keep you dangling, and sorry but if he truly loved you this would not even be happening.

LollyPopsApple · 17/09/2018 16:54

He has probably been trying quietly that entire six months.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 17/09/2018 16:56

Sorry OP - similar with my H - he had "reasons" for leaving me (my drinking) but denied OW for weeks until caught out. I had him down as in the top 5% of decent guys, couldn't lie, would never play away - but he did. I still can't believe it as he is/was so straight up but there u go - IME they don't talk about leaving until they have someone else lined up - even if OW is more a catalyst than a reason which i think was the case with my H.

In any case, what he is doing is very unfair and not what a god partner would do

Horseradishwrap · 17/09/2018 17:51

Sorry OP. 'Withdrawing' from the relationship is classic for him having met someone else. Is he cagey with his phone or internet?

WinterSunglasses · 17/09/2018 18:57

Have either of you mentioned going to couples counselling, OP?

BackInTheRoom · 17/09/2018 19:40

For the past 6 months he has been distancing himself and wanting to spend time alone.

When you say alone, alone at home? Out and about? Has he mentioned anyone new at work? Mentioned work colleagues having problems with their partners? Is he glued to his phone?

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 19:56

I mean alone at home i.e if I'm downstairs, he'll want to be upstairs, etc.

I mentioned counselling aa few months ago when he started saying these things but he is of the opinion that we shouldn't need someone else to talk to.

OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 17/09/2018 20:02

Another one who thinks there's someone else but also hopes I'm wrong.

My dad did this to my mum. Swore on his kids lives there was nobody else. He's now married to her.
A whole family destroyed.

He was the biggest family man ever ( oh the irony ) and I would have bet my life on him never doing that. He was very convincing and we all thought it was a midlife crisis.

BackInTheRoom · 17/09/2018 20:04

So if there's no spark and he's avoiding you and he won't go to counselling, why is he continuing to stay in the family home?

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 20:12

backintheroom because he 'doesn't know'. Also he knows that I've said that once he's out, he is never coming back, even if he changes his mind, and I will not see him again.

OP posts: