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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't know if he loves me anymore

87 replies

Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 15:03

DH and I have been together for 15 years. We have two small DC. For the past 6 months he has been distancing himself and wanting to spend time alone.

Last night he said that he was unhappy and he didn't think the spark was there between us anymore (how can it be if he won't talk to me or spend time with me?). He keeps saying that he's unhappy but wont offer a way to fix it, etc.

I don't know what to do. I love this man so much and have told him that the only reason I havent told him to leave over these months is because I know that he will regret it and is making a massive mistake.

I just want to make things better but he can't pinpoint why he's unhappy. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
JoyN2016 · 18/09/2018 16:22

So sorry, I went through the same. Sex did not help at all, just being used really. You have to love yourself, and there is a lot to love about you, just rediscover it. Stand tall, do not beg and do not show him your pain as he intends to hurt you. Your kids love you too. That is more important than him. I bet if you ask him what he wants he will say 'I don't know, what do YOU want?' and put all responsibility on you. Definitely read the Script, you will feel better and it is actually funny how predictable it is. So many have been on the receiving end of it, and it never changes

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/09/2018 16:22

He has told you that the spark has gone... why is he still in the house?

Why is that if he physically leaves, that's it for you, but he has already verbally told you it's over but you're still playing the 'pick me' dance?

Call his bluff and ask him to move out. You can't both live in limbo forever.

It's time to take back some control.

Yankeescot · 18/09/2018 17:32

Hate to say it, but I definitely agree with the other posters that it's an OW. He's giving you textbook cheaters script. I've been there myself so can relate to how you're feeling.

Another classic from the script is manufacturing an argument (one that makes no sense at all), get angry and go off in a huff to 'stay at a mates for the night' because he's angry and upset.

Get strong darlin, do some investigating on phone/email if possible. And please don't do the pick me dance. Tell him if he's that unhappy that it's better he go stay somewhere else at least for now.

Cuttingthegrass · 18/09/2018 17:53

What he's said is a variant on the I love you but I'm not in love with you sentence.

Sounds like he's playing for time (with OW) and managing your expectations downwards but I hope I'm wrong.

Singlenotsingle · 18/09/2018 17:58

Tell him you want a trial separation (for his benefit) and he can come back any time. If he says no, there's hope for the marriage. If he bites your arm off, there's an OW.

Adora10 · 18/09/2018 18:01

Honestly, why is he still there, drops that bombshell then expects you both to carry on as a married couple? How cruel and selfish is he; any decent person would be making arrangements to piss off; you need to toughen up OP, he's biding his time until he's ready to go, stop making it so easy for him.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/09/2018 18:06

Think about why you want to be with someone who isn't sure if he loves you. If he isn't sure now, after 15 years, he's never going to be.
You deserve better.

Tell him you don't want to be with someone who isn't committed to you, so besT if he moves out. If he finds he's made a mistake then he can try and persuade you to take him back, but there's no guarantee you won't have moved on by then.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 18/09/2018 18:17

Sorry, OP Flowers

I have to agree, it sounds like there is someone else.

There is always a reason for someone wanting to leave their long term partner. As you said yourself, he doesn't want to give you one. Why do you think that is?

If I were you, I would tell him to move out. He doesn't want to fix it, doesn't want to tell you what's going on.

IMO he's waiting for you to kick him out.

Robin2323 · 18/09/2018 18:22

There are plenty of web sites about just this.
May be worth a read.
Marriage take work and sometimes life , kids etc get in the way.
After all this time together there is always a way back.
You have shared history.
Yes You ve lost something on the way. But if you're talking ( not rowing ) you're connecting.
Was it good 6 months ago ?
Or has there been problems?
Only you know.

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 18/09/2018 20:22

Robin See this is how I felt before everyone started suggesting an OW. No, we weren't rowing 6 months ago and we only row now because I'm fed up of him being miserable and behaving badly - also because I feel so hurt by it all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2018 20:31

Have a look at the Chump Lady website and stop doing the Pick Me Dance

Trashing your self respect like this is never a good thing. He won't think more of you...your craven behaviour will only increase his contempt

safetyfreak · 18/09/2018 20:35

Another one who thinks there someone else involved. If the marriage has been good, then its unlikely a seemingly content man would leave unless there was another woman lined up.

I would be doing some digging, check his phone etc.

lemonadefloat · 18/09/2018 20:37

Sounds like he's been having an affair for 6 months. Sorry op Flowers

onitlikeacarbonnet · 18/09/2018 21:36

I felt the same Stuck. Truely I did.
Your story is scarily similar to mine.
And, I suspect, to many others on here who can feel the OW vibe.

I also understand the disbelief that he would throw those years away.
I’m more than 2 years on from the “I don’t know if I love you anymore” moment and I still remember the ball of hurt and confusion and fear that filled my being.

But, tbh, regardless of an OW or not, he’s being cruel keeping you hanging for 6 months!
Tell him to leave while you decide if you want to be with him.

PlinkPlink · 18/09/2018 22:55

It must be quite overwhelming OP to not only cope with the confusion but to also have a mass of women (and I'm sure men in their fewer numbers on here) say "So blatantly an OW involved!"

Regardless of our opinions on that subject, @onitlikeacarbonnet speaks through all of that. You deserve better than to be strung along for 6 months while he decides if you're worthy of his love, attention and affection.

DonkeyPlease · 18/09/2018 22:57

Op, I can't read his mind. But I will say, your response to a man who says he is unhappy with you and doesn't love you anymore, has been to spend more time with him and shag him.

Just think about that for a min.

Wishing you the very best. You can't control him or make him honest but you can have and show love and respect for yourself x

Thebluedog · 18/09/2018 22:59

What a horrid horrid thing to do and say to you.

He’s leaving you hanging on whilst he makes his mind up about giving it a shot with the ow or not. At least this way he keeps a foot in the door with you in case he changes his mind and wants to stay....

If he seriously thinks what he says then I’d suggest you ask him to leave whilst he makes you his mind, cut all contact and remain quietly dignified.... by doing the ‘pick me dance’ your losing self respect and giving him all the control and power. Start to take some back, it’s the only way you’ll ever get him back (if that’s what you really want) or see him for what he truely is

Robin2323 · 19/09/2018 06:19

I not sure about what is happening in your case but I knew someone who for 6 month suddenly started going out 3 times a week for a few hours after work playing a solo sport.
His wife was upset - She wasn't allowed to come and he wouldn't stop.
Mumsnet would. Have said OW
but he was depressed
His uncle had died months before and it didn't really hit him at first But he found he just needed that bit of space to work it out.
Then after 6 months everything went back to normal and he stayed home every night just as before and was finally able to explain things.
It worth thinking about.
Life can sometimes be complicated.

ArrivisteRevolt · 19/09/2018 06:26

There’s another woman.

You will have done nothing wrong but now he is going to mess with your head to justify the fact that he has been distracted. Don’t let it happen. Call it out. Stay strong.

You can get your marriage back but you need to hold very tight to your sense of self. You have done nothing wrong.

Cawfee · 19/09/2018 06:46

Have you asked him if there’s somebody else OP? Has his behaviour changed? Going out more? On his phone more?

blearyeyedbear · 19/09/2018 07:01

I went through exactly the same thing, right down to him wanting to be upstairs if I was downstairs, and vice versa. Other woman. He claimed there wasn't, swore blind, still loved me, still slept with me blah blah blah.

I'm so sorry. You won't believe what MN is saying because you love him, and think the best of him, but sadly to those who have experienced this his behaviour is text book.

Your only hope is to make him move out. Take away his choices. He'll either panic when he realises what he has done and come home, or he'll be relieved and move on. Either way you'll have saved yourself months of stress.

Don't play the pick me dance..... which from what you say you are already doing.

EndeavourVoyage · 19/09/2018 07:03

You know OP that coming into MN with a post like this you are going to be convinced that you DP has been snagging the whole female population without you even knowing!! As a MH professional to me he sounds depressed, quite common in men who are entering middle age. Men find it very hard to talk about their feelings (well most men do). Hsng on in there, open up the lines of communication as soften as he can cope with and encourage him to get some help, maybe go together to the GP to hold his hand. Ask him if he would be willing to try maybe a herbal remedy first. Once you have him talking, remember to listen too. It is awful living with depression for every one not just him and if he gets help you can get through this.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2018 09:04

Maybe it's the start of us being closer
Oh dear - you've fallen into the trap of the 'pick me dance'
Google - Hysterical bonding!

TeacupTattoo · 19/09/2018 10:08

If we don't grow together we grow apart. Relationships can falter after any length of time. Thing is, it doesn't matter if there is OW or not - he has told you what he feels and you need to decide if you find it acceptable him still living with you or not. It is not fair to keep you dangling! Do you feel cherished, respected, cared about? Now, not two years ago or five. If he will not go to gp and denies depression then he either stops saying such things or he ends the relationship. He's making you hop around trying to make him happier. Really not fair. I'd hold your head up high and with dignity tell him he needs to come to some decisions. Good luck.

MrsCountless · 19/09/2018 10:15

Text book Script and OW: I wrote the same post as you three years ago. He swore there was no one else, blah blah. There was.

It’s been fucking awful, but if I’d listened to advice on here it would have been better!

First of all, begin to live your life separately from him and ensure you can manage financially, socially and emotionally without him.

He no longer has your back.

Stop doing the pick me dance and shagging him. Preferably ask him to leave as his feelings and keeping you in limbo are horrible, and unacceptable.

Bite the bullet now and don’t be me there years in, he finally left a year ago after comings and goings and I’m still shattered.

💐