He doesn't know if he loves me anymore

[Stuckinsilence]

DH and I have been together for 15 years. We have two small DC. For the past 6 months he has been distancing himself and wanting to spend time alone.

Last night he said that he was unhappy and he didn't think the spark was there between us anymore (how can it be if he won't talk to me or spend time with me?). He keeps saying that he's unhappy but wont offer a way to fix it, etc.

I don't know what to do. I love this man so much and have told him that the only reason I havent told him to leave over these months is because I know that he will regret it and is making a massive mistake.

I just want to make things better but he can't pinpoint why he's unhappy. I'm devastated.

"he hasn't been happy for ages..."

Rewriting history is a favourite tactic of a man who has an eye on someone else. He will rake together all the little bits of unhappiness of tension he can find in your entire relationship and mix them together to make a huge pile of misery so he can feel justified. Anyone can do that! Look at the bad instead of the good.

Alternatively he could be depressed. I am a chronic depressive and I know that at my worst I can be uncommunicative (miserable), unmotivated (lazy) and exhausted all the time, But depression doesn't tend to fix itself - he needs to get help.

I think that the best thing would be to put the ball firmly in his court.

"You don't love me and I make you unhappy so why are you still here? You are making me miserable and stressed too. Get help with your depression or get out"

His reaction to that might well tell you something about what's going on.

Its unfair to leave you in this horrible limbo.

distancing himself and wanting to spend time alone
in another room, with his phone

he is of the opinion that we shouldn't need someone else to talk to.
Because he doesn't want to lie to the counsellor about not having an OW. That would be harder than just lying to you.

he hasn't been happy for ages
rewriting history so that he has a "good reason" for wanting someone else

he can't pinpoint why he's unhappy
he can't tell you why he's unhappy because it would mean admitting there's an OW

Very familiar.

He will rake together all the little bits of unhappiness of tension he can find in your entire relationship and mix them together to make a huge pile of misery so he can feel justified.

Spot on.

In my case it just got worse and worse - he was increasingly disrespectful and obvious while still denying it. In the end I made the decision for him, and asked him to leave. He hung around still, saying I was unreasonable and continuing to rub it in. I found his email password, got evidence and he left faster than expected.

Even if it isn't an OW, he is still being disrespectful and cruel by leaving you hanging on while he "decides" whether he will deign to be with you or not.

Why else would he refuse counselling?

Think back six months. Was something going on at work that he was suddenly all enthusiastic about?

Hey OP. You doing ok today?

Hope u are ok op

I got all of this from my (now ex) wife. Turned out she’d been sleeping with her boss and she left me, or more accurately fucked me off out of the house, for him. Two years later he was sleeping around on her. Karma’s both a bastard and a bitch it seems.

12 years ago my H appeared to check out, started talking more about getting some space and went on a gym kick, possessive with phone etc and then a year or so later it went back to ‘normal’ fast forward to 2 years ago and I find a load of songs and stuff he had written about some very young woman who worked with us and longing stuff too. It seems it was a one sided ‘infatuation’ that went way too far when he was feeling very down with his mum dying, so whilst I wouldn’t automatically say ‘affair’ in your case, what it sometimes is can be a ‘variation’ on that and especially vulnerable if generally a bit depressed. It can also be if they suddenly get a load of single colleagues seemingly having fun with stuff like Tinder And their lives seem a bit Groundhog Day by comparison. I think the best thing OP is make the decision for him, say it’s best if he moves out and take it from there. If there actually is an OW it will become apparent quickly and I think this will at least be better than fucking with your head.

Just to point out that if things do go back to normal after a while (like the guy earlier upthread), that does not necessarily mean it was not an (emtional/physical) affair; it can equally just mean that the affair ended. And that people often start affairs when something major happens like someone close falling ill, so while some of their behaviour might be down to the illness, they might nonetheless still be having an affair. (When something major happens, people are in a weird emotional state and do things that are out of character - or they feel like they might themselves die or fall ill, and suddenly they want to live, as compared with their usual humdrum existence - they take risks.)

Unfortunately, there is often simply no way to found out what really went on - without a telltale text message etc., you just don't know.

I know it's easy to say "Oh yes, on Mumsnet they always assume it's an affair", but really, affairs are so commonplace that it is simply the most likely explanation! Of course it's not always an affair - just in most cases.

I’ve had similar before, there’s definitely another woman. I’m sorry OP

I agree Raven, in my case I should have been more suspicious at the time that stuff just ‘went back to normal’ , personally I think more went on than he has said and one or the other of them stopped it at some point. I do think OP should take some time on her own, if I had found out at the time I would certainly have asked him to leave and get some space, it’s much easier I feel to order thoughts withought having to kind of carry on as normal whilst feeling it hard to even look at them

I haven't read all of the replies and I'm sorry you are going through this and I hate to be another suggesting what you don't want to hear but this is what my husband of 13 years said to me out of the blue late last year. I was devastated, spend 2 horrendous weeks over Xmas trying to work out why he felt this way and wondering what I could do to make things better. I even asked him if there was someone else, which he actually laughed a bit at and said "no, of course not". I then found messages on his ipad between him and another woman at work clearly indicating otherwise.

I hope this isn't the case for you, I really do but I will never try and make someone love me if they don't already. It's a losing battle x