Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't know if he loves me anymore

87 replies

Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 15:03

DH and I have been together for 15 years. We have two small DC. For the past 6 months he has been distancing himself and wanting to spend time alone.

Last night he said that he was unhappy and he didn't think the spark was there between us anymore (how can it be if he won't talk to me or spend time with me?). He keeps saying that he's unhappy but wont offer a way to fix it, etc.

I don't know what to do. I love this man so much and have told him that the only reason I havent told him to leave over these months is because I know that he will regret it and is making a massive mistake.

I just want to make things better but he can't pinpoint why he's unhappy. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 17/09/2018 20:15

I mean if there isn't an affair/OW, then depression seems the other contender here right? So has he been to the dr about depression?

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 20:24

backintheroom I have asked him about this and he says that he isn't depressed. This is the frustrating thing - there is seemingly no reason for any of it, or at least that is what he says.

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 17/09/2018 20:29

What does he say he’s unhappy with or about. His life in general? Or your marriage? He could be depressed in which case he should see the gp.
What does he do when he’s upstairs and you are downstairs? Could he be messaging an ow?

HereIgoagainxx · 17/09/2018 20:31

Isn't falling out of love the reason? I've fallen out of love with people and ended relationships for that reason. The idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I didn't love was not something I was prepared to do. And there was no one else on the scene, just for the record.

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 17/09/2018 20:32

He says he's unhappy with me, that the spark has gone, he hasn't been happy for ages....

However, it just doesn't make sense to me. This man adored me for all these years and now nothing Sad

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 17/09/2018 20:36

He's hedging his bets with OW. Once he establishes that he can move to her, he'll leave and then tell you they 'just met'. He's following a script here.

PlinkPlink · 17/09/2018 20:37

He's avoiding answering the question properly.

You deserve more than this.

I can list all the reasons why I fell out of love with ex. You need more than what he's giving you. Something is going on... I'm sorry to agree with everyone but the mere fact that he's not reeling reasons off (not that you're hard to love OP, that's not what I mean Flowers), that to me would be a massive flag. What is he hiding? Why is he not explaining?

LeftRightCentre · 17/09/2018 20:40

He'll be telling her, too, you don't understand him, you've grown apart, you never have sex, he was only staying because he felt bad/the kids and even rewrite history to justify it all to himself.

ShmackAttack · 17/09/2018 20:42

This sounds like me only a short month ago (my birthday infact) I got the same lines trotted out and he distanced himself .we are now split getting a divorce at his insistence and the OW has crawled out the mud (my ex friend and neighbor) and they are running off into the sunset with each other to start a new family while I’m left sorting everything out and looking after our autistic son who doesn’t understand what’s happening

HereIgoagainxx · 17/09/2018 20:43

I'm so sorry stuckinsilence. I went through a breakup recently. I was tidying away things after and found a Valentine's card from this year (so 5 months before breakup) telling me how happy he was to have such a special woman in his life). He later told me had been thinking of breaking up for a year!!!

What people say/do and what they think can be very different.

If he is not prepared to offer more answers, there is not much you can do. We can all surmise and guess, but only he knows what has changed.

I'm a few months along now and have a very different perspective on my relationship to the one I had in the initial aftermath.

Take care xx

SkippedALightFandango · 17/09/2018 20:46

This sounds very familiar. Married 16 years and he suddenly became distant. I was worried about him and thought he was depressed. He announced he was not happy, insisted there was no one else and he wasn’t going to leave. We started going to relate.

He absolved himself of any responsibility for trying to improve things. He became cruel on the pretext that he was only being honest. I tried everything to fix us and finally realised I couldn’t mend things on my own. Long story short he was having an affair with my best friend and he thought that cruelty would cause me to break down and kick him out without him having to admit he was cheating.

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/09/2018 20:49

Why don't you think there's another woman/man whatever?

ivykaty44 · 17/09/2018 20:54

Unfortunately many men that do have affairs do this, I’m not sure I live you, they struggle to actually know what to do so rather than choose they wait for you to do that for them.

He waiting to see whether you tell him to leave.

Depends what you want op?

If you don’t do anything he’ll probably leave eventually

mineofuselessinformation · 17/09/2018 20:56

Regardless of whether there's another woman (I do think so, sorry), you need to have a good think about whether or not you're happy with being 'second best'.
If he doesn't know whether he's in love with you, he isn't. Sorry to be brutal, but he doesn't even sound like he wants to be friends with you, let alone a true partner.
It's so hard, but knowing what I know now through my own experience, clinging on to this is a draining and depressing experience. It's better to tell him to go now. If he really wants to be with you, he will find a way to woo you back.

JustlikeDevon · 17/09/2018 21:01

My xh said exactly the same thing. We limped on for a year while i tried to be the perfect wife. Eventually a whole heap of shit unravelled and I discovered he'd been shagging a colleague for over a year. I do hope this isn't what is happening for you but do brace yourself in case. The 'I don't think I love you anymore' line is so hurtful as you tie yourself in knots to be a "better wife ". If he's checked out, he's gone.

user1466783975 · 17/09/2018 21:19

I hope he is just having a midlife crisis and you can get through this.
My ex husband used to cry on the bed for no reason,drive down to our house after work and then turn round and drive off (and come back after a while).Then he said he wanted to remain married but live apart. Said he was having a nervous breakdown. All the while I was trying to be sweet and lovely.Thought I was going crazy... then he announced he was off to Burnley to watch Southampton play them for the weekend....but nope,he flew to Moscow to meet some women he had chatted to on Instagram. second marriage over. I hope he is being sincere with you op,trust your gut which I have since learnt to x

BackInTheRoom · 17/09/2018 22:01

It might be prudent to get your ducks in a row OP? Delve in to the finances and take copies of everything? Visit a solicitor and see where you stand financially?

onitlikeacarbonnet · 18/09/2018 08:12

How are you today OP?
Been thinking about you.
Hope things have moved on (one way or another).
It’s so cruel that he’s left you in limbo for 6 months.
Brew and Flowers for you this morning.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2018 09:07

He says he's unhappy with me, that the spark has gone, he hasn't been happy for ages...
Sorry but you will find there is an OW.
It may be emotional and not physical yet, but there is someone in the wings.
This is textbook cheaters script wording.

I'd call his bluff though.
Tell him to move out for a while to give you some headspace to decide what YOU want to do with this information.
He needs to understand what the loss of you, actually means.
He won't know that while he is still there with you still doing everything for him.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2018 12:43

There is absolutely another woman. Take your blinders off, get your finances sorted and kick him out. He is playing you for a fool.

user14869556378 · 18/09/2018 12:50

Can't believe I'm doing this, but I agree, I think highly likely there is another woman. Even if it's just a crush. How many threads on here are women having crushes on other men and therefore no longer happy with their husbands. Exactly the same, roles reversed.

Original poster
Stuckinsilence · 18/09/2018 14:53

Why would he leave his whole world (wife, kids, home, life) for a 'crush' though? It doesn't make sense.

I want to give him an ultimatum but I can't call his bluff because that's just not how I work. In my mind, if he's out, he's out, I never want to see him again.

I made a point of spending more time together last night. We cuddled and I made small talk, one thing lead to another. Today I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. Maybe it's the start of us being closer, but reading the posts on here I just feel like an idiot. Blush

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 18/09/2018 15:12

Why would he leave his whole world (wife, kids, home, life) for a 'crush' though? It doesn't make sense.

The word crush conjures up a teen emotion when it could actually be called an emotional affair. Men and women leave their marriages all the time for such a thing. Sad

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2018 15:35

He's treating you appallingly, tells you he no longer loves you, yet you still have sex with him? Raise the bar.

PlinkPlink · 18/09/2018 16:19

Alot of men are able to separate sex from love easier than alot of women.
It's that simple I'm afraid OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread