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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope with a friends failed suicide attempt

84 replies

misszp · 16/09/2018 20:37

Just really looking for a listening ear and a bit of hand holding.

Today I discovered my friend (of a friend) after a failed suicide attempt (overdose). I’ve known her a very little time and she lives with me as I had a spare room and she was looking. We get on but more so as landlady / tenant, so if she didn’t live with me the friendship would dissolve. I say this because it may impact any suggestions later in the post.

I feel numb at the moment, because it was NOT nice. My partner is away for six months and so I’ve dealt with it alone without any hand holding in real life. I realise I’m not the one that requires the main support in this situation, but it’s left me feeling really quite upset.

I was the one to find her. In my house. I was the one to phone 999, I was the one to physically take her to hospital and deal with the lovely nurses and doctors who helped her. Her family and friends I don’t know so I couldn’t even contact them to let them know where she was and ensure she had someone with her. I stayed for a few hours until she was feeling better and more with it, went home, got her fresh clothes, her phone etc.

I just feel so incredibly sad for her that she felt that low and desperate and I know she’s hopefully now met with the mental health crisis team because I made it absolutely clear that this was not an accident and she needed to urgently be put in touch with them. They assured me she would not be discharged until they’d made an assessment and spoken to her.

I know the reasons why she did it now and I empathise with that dark space she found herself in. No one should ever have to feel that desperate and alone (there were NO indications prior that she’d considered taking her life, but as I said I’ve known her a very short time). But I’m also angry that she was going to leave me to be the one to potentially find her dead. What about the impact on me to deal with that especially when it would have been in my own home and would take away the very security and comfort of my home?

On the one hand I know she needs consistency and security right now more than ever, but I also feel she probably needs to be with family who can properly support her. I will be there for her as much as I can but at the same time, I have my own mental health issues (anxiety related mainly) and with a partner who is away, a mother who is very ill and an extremely stressful job I need to also put my own health first. The whole experience has really left me shaken and I don’t want to be in a position where I could find her again.

I just need some kind words that it’s also ok / not ok to be feeling this way. I feel selfish for being upset by the whole experience but I can’t shake it.

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 20:44

I think you need to be strong here and say you don't think her coming back to live with you is appropriate. She needs an awful lot of support that a stranger can't give, and should be with her family/close friends not a virtual stranger. Can you contact the mutual friend and try to get in touch with her family?

TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 20:45

And btw you're probably in a bit of shock yourself right now, that's a huge event to deal with alone. You aren't remotely selfish Flowers

Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 20:52

Thank you for the reply, i appreciate it.

I feel so incredibly selfish saying that but I think it’s best she is with a closer friend / family Member. I have a feeling at least one parent lives a long way away however, but her job is here, which makes that hard. The one mutual friend is just that, I don’t think they know other family / friends either. I could check her social media to find family members. I wouldn’t usually but obviously the circumstances are quite unique.

OP posts:
DeadZed · 16/09/2018 20:59

I understand this was a terrible shock for you. Please understand that someone who is actively trying to end their life often has skewed thinking and although suicide appears selfish the person going through it cannot see that.

TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 21:01

I can't imagine anything worse than that happening in your own home..... and you're never going to relax again, especially walking in through the door.

Can you try talking to her Doctors? Express your concerns and ask if they are able to contact her next of kin - it may affect her release from hospital/care plan if they are aware.

I think you need to protect your own mental health here. It would be very very different if it was a good friend or someone you knew well. It's so sad that she was that desperate, but hopefully it was a cry for help rather than a true intention and she can now get the support she must so desperately need Sad

Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 21:05

DeadZed I fully appreciate that point Smile I have been where she is, when I was a teen. So I’m very conscious to try and not exacerbate her current mental health and I’m very aware of what would aid her recovery or not. I’m also very aware that I need to put myself first here too and I’m not sure I can deal with a near strangers complex issues on top of my own situations. She needs support from those closest to her, a decent doctor / counsellor, the right medication, friends/family support and a place she can use as a retreat that feels safe. I know pulling the rug further from under her feet by saying I don’t feel her staying here is the right thing, could worsen this. But perhaps it’s also the prompt she needs to seek their support and care. I just don’t know what to do for best.

OP posts:
Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 21:10

Tom I did find out the name of her surgery from today so I could try talking to them. I’ll also try the hospital who should have these details. I’m not sure how much they’d reveal though? I don’t know if they even contacted her NOK after I left as I had been there with her and had taken her in.

I did make my concerns VERY clear to the hospital today - I told them what I’d found, anything she has said over the time I’ve known her they would indicate her mental health etc. They took full notes whilst I was there and did say she would be getting assessed today.

Thank you for understanding - I feel so on edge in my house this eve. I just want my partner here for comfort but I have another several months without him Sad

OP posts:
erinaceus · 16/09/2018 21:11

It's totally fine in this situation to say she cannot come and live with you. I have had immediate family say that to me when I was desperately suicidal.

Where is she at the moment?

Sending Flowers

erinaceus · 16/09/2018 21:12

(I'm alright now BTW, it was a dark period, but I am alright now.)

IrenetheQuaint · 16/09/2018 21:14

No advice but what an awful situation to go through, OP. It sounds like you dealt with it really well and it's totally understandable that you don't want her back living with you again. Flowers

Isadora2007 · 16/09/2018 21:15

What is your contract as landlady and tenant? I guess you can decide if you need her to find somewhere else to stay, but if she has been paying you to stay in your home you can’t really just change your mind the same as if it was just a favour.
It’s a difficult scenario and I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel as you do- and clearly she needs support from family/friends. But if you’ve been making money from her staying at your house just make sure you treat her well and give adequate notice etc.

woolduvet · 16/09/2018 21:15

I'm sorry that happened to both of you.
I completely agree that this must show you that looking after both of your mental health is vital.
Tell her and the staff that she won't be able to be discharged to your address and care as you won't be able to support her.
(Check legal stuff though)
Get in touch with mutual friend and ask them to speak to family.

TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 21:17

I think you're being really brave by even being there Flowers. Give yourself some credit, you acted really decently towards this person making sure that help was got in time. And thank goodness you were there when you were. It could have been very different.

Be kind to yourself. Indulge in a good boxset and some chocolate if you have any! Plan your dream holiday online. Anything to keep your mind busy and not dwelling on it.

thethoughtfox · 16/09/2018 21:19

You are not responsible for this person. Don't take this on.

AdoreTheBeach · 16/09/2018 21:29

Hugs to you op. I don’t think anyone else really factored into your tenant’s actions. Certainly didn’t think about it being your home, you’re there otherwise alone while your partner is away, how her suicidd would impact you.

If you have a tenancy contract, you will have to abide by that. However, the suggestion of finding her family so she can recover there was a good one. You could gently/kindly give her notice then stating how you feel it would be better for her to be with family during her recovery.

Hope is works out for you (and your tenant)

noego · 16/09/2018 21:29
Flowers If you need to talk to someone and get emotional support, try the Samaritans 116123. They will listen and be there for you. Similarly they could help your friend as well. This has been a traumatic episode for you, so emotional support might help.
Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 21:47

Erinaceus she’s still in hospital (it was hinted when I went back the second time with clean clothes that I should pick her up but Id already been twice and sat with her for hours. I ha my own mother to help today too and she has other friends and family who should have been there really. Plus I need to sort my own head out this evening). They did say she may need an overnight stay which i think is best for both her and gives me some breathing space. I’m also glad you’re ok now!

We have an agreement in place as she only rents the room and I’d always stand by it - so I’d either let her see out any remainder of the month as per agreed notice term, or return her money if she left immediately. However I do have the right to terminate immediately in extreme circumstances if I really wished (This wasn’t the kind of extremes I was expecting, but I don’t want to be dreading walking into my own home every evening for fear of what I’ll find). I will also make it clear she’s not in my care to the hospital this evening so that they can make contact with who they need to regarding her next of kin.

I’m currently curled up with a book and blanket which is taking my mind off it. I can’t stop replaying it over and over.

Thanks everyone whose posted.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 16/09/2018 21:51

If she's still in hospital then you need to be absolutely clear that she is not to be discharged to your address and go ahead and terminate the tenancy. The hospital will find an alternative solution for her. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and agree with pp that you have already gone above and beyond. If you want to talk it through with someone you could always call Samaritans, they are great with situations like this, really experienced. For me if I have something going round and round in my head like that it helps to talk it out, but not everyone does, so it's up to you. Take care of yourself.

Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 21:59

I will terminate the tenancy anyway but does it have an affect with regards to the address she is discharged to in these circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 21:59

Thanks for Samaritans details to those who posted, I’ll give them a call!

OP posts:
erinaceus · 16/09/2018 22:01

@misszp yes, it does, and it makes a difference (BTDT, sadly...)

woolduvet · 16/09/2018 22:02

I think it should do, as she has no 'Home' there to be discharged to. So they'll need to find friends/family to care for her.
But you'll have to be explicit with them, as obviously they'll need her bed back and you're their easiest option.

oatmilk4breakfast · 16/09/2018 22:05

Just wanting to send you some support too - you must be in some shock. Hope Samaritans help. 🌷🌷

Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 22:12

How does it make a difference, I genuinely am not clued up on this? I’ve phoned them and made it clear I don’t want her discharged under the care of my address but they need an alternate one for her, which I don’t have. I’ve said they’ll have to ask her for it but under no circumstances is she under this address.

OP posts:
Original poster
misszp · 16/09/2018 22:20

I feel so cruel but hopefully this will put her in touch with immediate friends and family. I’m assuming just because she’s not under the care of this address, does that mean living here too or is that with regards to her treatment etc? I only ask as her stuff is all here so I’d have to make an agreement for her to collect belongings / find somewhere / return any money etc.

This is going to be a lot messier and emotional than I hoped. I feel for her so much but I need to put myself first Sad

OP posts: