How to cope with a friends failed suicide attempt

[misszp]

Just really looking for a listening ear and a bit of hand holding.

Today I discovered my friend (of a friend) after a failed suicide attempt (overdose). I’ve known her a very little time and she lives with me as I had a spare room and she was looking. We get on but more so as landlady / tenant, so if she didn’t live with me the friendship would dissolve. I say this because it may impact any suggestions later in the post.

I feel numb at the moment, because it was NOT nice. My partner is away for six months and so I’ve dealt with it alone without any hand holding in real life. I realise I’m not the one that requires the main support in this situation, but it’s left me feeling really quite upset.

I was the one to find her. In my house. I was the one to phone 999, I was the one to physically take her to hospital and deal with the lovely nurses and doctors who helped her. Her family and friends I don’t know so I couldn’t even contact them to let them know where she was and ensure she had someone with her. I stayed for a few hours until she was feeling better and more with it, went home, got her fresh clothes, her phone etc.

I just feel so incredibly sad for her that she felt that low and desperate and I know she’s hopefully now met with the mental health crisis team because I made it absolutely clear that this was not an accident and she needed to urgently be put in touch with them. They assured me she would not be discharged until they’d made an assessment and spoken to her.

I know the reasons why she did it now and I empathise with that dark space she found herself in. No one should ever have to feel that desperate and alone (there were NO indications prior that she’d considered taking her life, but as I said I’ve known her a very short time). But I’m also angry that she was going to leave me to be the one to potentially find her dead. What about the impact on me to deal with that especially when it would have been in my own home and would take away the very security and comfort of my home?

On the one hand I know she needs consistency and security right now more than ever, but I also feel she probably needs to be with family who can properly support her. I will be there for her as much as I can but at the same time, I have my own mental health issues (anxiety related mainly) and with a partner who is away, a mother who is very ill and an extremely stressful job I need to also put my own health first. The whole experience has really left me shaken and I don’t want to be in a position where I could find her again.

I just need some kind words that it’s also ok / not ok to be feeling this way. I feel selfish for being upset by the whole experience but I can’t shake it.

Thanks flika. Your explanation to the OP helps me to understand a few things. One thing that is really challenging about situations like this is that if you don't have nearly all the information about what it is that might be helpful or unhelpful there is no guidebook and the whole thing looks Kafaesque and illogical. It does have a strange sort of logic to it even if it can seem shocking and unhelpful.

I mean, understand a few things about my own situation, not the OP's.

I think you have made the decision to step back from the situation as your own mental health is obviously quite fragile so I would just go with that now. As you say your not a friend and she has somewhere to stay so I don’t think it would be helpful for you to be involved in her care.
The next time she picks up her stuff you could perhaps encourage her to ask about housing etc
That was a strange comment from the nurse about her address , it’s pretty easy to update on the system but as pp said she had no cause to tell you anything about the ladies care outwith perhaps saying she was not coming back to her rented room and had been informed that this was your wish.
Try to just go with what you have already put in place and move on from the guilt.

Terrible situation and I feel very sorry for her, you and everyone involved. But your anger at the hospital is misplaced.

How exactly do you think the hospital could be responsible for where an independent adult chooses to go to on being discharged? How on earth would you expect them to police her not coming to yours? A tracking system? She wasn't sectioned and is at liberty to go where the hell she wants to go.

Why exactly do you think that the hospital should have given you confidential personal and medical details about a non-relative (i.e. her discharge)? Haven't you heard of patient confidentiality? They are not even allowed to share information with a patient's next of kin without the patient's permission, let alone somebody's landlord. Imagine the hoo-hah if we could all just ring a hospital and ask for deeply personal details about anyone we had an interest in? (can you let me know why my next door neighbour was seen delivering a stool test? Ooh I'd quite like to find out if Meghan Markle has been to any antenatal appointments recently. etc)

I do have real sympathy for you and you've made an impossible choice. But honestly, be realistic about what to expect.

Friendly flicker understood about the hospital and confidentiality. Makes sense.

However to be clear it’s not a tenancy agreement she has with me. I live here too in a very small house (owned solely by me). I’s my house and my personal space, she has the spare room and has been here less than 2/3 months (with a very casual set up - I hardly saw her as she was always at exes in question or other friends who I don’t know).

I was the one to find her OD’d in my home, personally drove her to hospital, dealt with nurses, fetched overnight bags, held her hand, checked on her etc. I didn’t know her family or friends so couldn’t lean on them, so I helped her as much as I could during that time.

If she was a tenant, this wouldn’t even be a thread as it would be her space to recover in with relevant agreements in place, but it’s not, it’s my own Home and I’m not equipped myself to be able to support someone through something like this who I don’t know and when I’ve got my own MH to consider. I’m not discriminating against her in the slightest as I’m aware how fragile the situation is but I am considering how this could impact both her and me short and long term. I already feel and carry guilt for her situation, but that post has made me feel worse at my choice to put myself first.

Haffdonga appreciate your points but given I’ve never dealt with a suicide attempt before or hospital under such conditions I didn’t know what to expect!

Given I phoned the emergency services, that I took herself to hospital, sat with nurses and gave them relevant info about what I found / what she said, sat with the nurse whilst they first assessed her and took ECGs etc and she gave me permission to stay with her whilst she was treated, that this may have had an impact but I may be wrong.

Like I said I don’t know because I’ve never been in this situation and I hope to never find myself in it again.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply. It is appreciated.

I think you've handled all of this really well OP. There is no rule book that covers a lodger trying to commit suicide in your home, and I'd be torn between heartbreak for them that things are that bad and raging anger that they'd dragged me into it.

She needs a lot of help by the sound of it. And it's not your place to make sure she gets it. Don't feel bad - you did everything in your power to get her help and promptly . You aren't responsible for her, only yourself and sometimes self-preservation has to come first.

We have an agreement in place as she only rents the room and I’d always stand by it - so I’d either let her see out any remainder of the month as per agreed notice term, or return her money if she left immediately.

It just sounded like she was a tenant from this earlier. And while I understand that you want and need to put yourself first, I was just saying that tenants have rights and that discriminating against someone who has mental health issues is not legal.

Most other people on this thread have been completely supportive to you, I was just pointing out the other side of things.

Hang in there misszp. The whole area is complex, and also emotive for many people who have been personally affected by this type of thing, whether in their own life or that of their loved ones, or in their professional life, or both.