How to cope with a friends failed suicide attempt

[misszp]

Just really looking for a listening ear and a bit of hand holding.

Today I discovered my friend (of a friend) after a failed suicide attempt (overdose). I’ve known her a very little time and she lives with me as I had a spare room and she was looking. We get on but more so as landlady / tenant, so if she didn’t live with me the friendship would dissolve. I say this because it may impact any suggestions later in the post.

I feel numb at the moment, because it was NOT nice. My partner is away for six months and so I’ve dealt with it alone without any hand holding in real life. I realise I’m not the one that requires the main support in this situation, but it’s left me feeling really quite upset.

I was the one to find her. In my house. I was the one to phone 999, I was the one to physically take her to hospital and deal with the lovely nurses and doctors who helped her. Her family and friends I don’t know so I couldn’t even contact them to let them know where she was and ensure she had someone with her. I stayed for a few hours until she was feeling better and more with it, went home, got her fresh clothes, her phone etc.

I just feel so incredibly sad for her that she felt that low and desperate and I know she’s hopefully now met with the mental health crisis team because I made it absolutely clear that this was not an accident and she needed to urgently be put in touch with them. They assured me she would not be discharged until they’d made an assessment and spoken to her.

I know the reasons why she did it now and I empathise with that dark space she found herself in. No one should ever have to feel that desperate and alone (there were NO indications prior that she’d considered taking her life, but as I said I’ve known her a very short time). But I’m also angry that she was going to leave me to be the one to potentially find her dead. What about the impact on me to deal with that especially when it would have been in my own home and would take away the very security and comfort of my home?

On the one hand I know she needs consistency and security right now more than ever, but I also feel she probably needs to be with family who can properly support her. I will be there for her as much as I can but at the same time, I have my own mental health issues (anxiety related mainly) and with a partner who is away, a mother who is very ill and an extremely stressful job I need to also put my own health first. The whole experience has really left me shaken and I don’t want to be in a position where I could find her again.

I just need some kind words that it’s also ok / not ok to be feeling this way. I feel selfish for being upset by the whole experience but I can’t shake it.

Prettyvase that an awful situation and I can’t imagine the lasting impact on such young and impressionable people.

I’m angry at the hospital. I asked them not to discharge her to my address and to update me on the situation before doing so, so that I could get my ducks in a row RE making arrangements for her to collect her stuff etc,. They discharged her hours ago, with no call and they said whilst she has a temporary address, mine is still her permanent one and they can’t control if she comes back to mine even though they’ve told her not to. Basically she’s not their responsibility and now I could indeed get Home to find anything! I’m debating making an official complaint but no idea where I stand.

Oh dear, OP, I had a horrid feeling that would happen.

Do you think she will turn up?

OP do you know where she is now?

I suppose the hospital do have to accept her official registered address.

I wonder if you could get this query transferred to the Legal Matters board?

Christ! That is not okay of the hospital, IMO.

What temporary address does she have?

I’ve no idea of the temporary address but I do know who collected her (only because it’s a name she’s mentioned and the doctors let me know), so I know she’s at least somewhere relatively safe.

Luckily her house keys are here so I will contact her to make arrangements to sort some belongings etc. I did contact her yesterday to see how she was but unfortunately she’s not yet replied although I know she has a phone and charger as I took it to her.

I was going to ask, does she have keys. If she doesn't, in your situation, I would be inclined not to return them to her.

What a thing for you to go through, though. Take care of yourself.

Also I would say give her time and space to deal with collecting her belongings - bag or box them up if you need to access the spare room. It is kinder to let her deal with that practicality in her own time, IMO. (I remember being unable to deal with practicalities when I was struggling.)

Change your locks if necessary OP.

If anyone asks, feel free to say that as someone with mental health issues yourself, you can’t possibly provide a home to someone with suicidal feelings and mental illness for the sake of your own health and hers.

The hospital did nothing wrong discharging her, as far as they know, your address is hers. But she’s a grown adult, she could have claimed her address was anywhere and they’d still let her go as unless she’s sectioned involuntarily it’s not their problem. she hasn’t been discharged ‘back to the care of your address’, she’ll have been discharged and under the care of her GP and hopefully the mental health team. With the greatest of respect, hospitals aren’t going to keep a patient in who they deem fit for discharge until they have a new residency somewhere. Homeless people don’t get to stay in hospital indefinitely!

Your issues around evicting her are separate to the care she’s received in hospital. You have no beef with them.

Have you called a friend and/or mental health advice line for yourself yet, OP?

Erinaceus, I’ve no rush for her stuff to be moved so I’m absolutely happy for her to take her time and for her to collect belongings as and when she is able and ready to.

Lollypopsapple thank you for the advice. Luckily I have all sets of keys also so won’t need to change locks, which would be another headache in itself!

I’ve spoken to a couple of close friends who have been great. A close work colleague is also aware, just so I have some support work wise if needed. I think I am otherwise ok at the moment now I know she’s got a roof over her head and I have the keys. I think I’m still on autopilot though, so I have my friends numbers and the others in the post to hand should I need them.

Renarde1975 - unfortunately it seems my experience was correct. I wish it wasn't.

So sorry to read this OP but l knew this would happen.

The hospital should have informed you that she was being discharged as ultimately she is a vunerable adult and as they said your address is her official one.

Hope she's safe.

Services don’t actually necessarily take into account flatshares/mates. Loads of people are discharged to there homes alone if they are deemed safe enough.
If she had said that you were not a friend but just owned the property they wouldn’t have looked for you to be responsible ( crisis team or safe to go home without acute follow up care wise )
I do sympathise with your fright and your own mental health but I feel very sorry for this girl especially if it’s not a repeat almost normalised occurance in her life.
I think all the change the locks posts are terrible in all honesty .. mental health issues are treated terribly .

I hope she is ok. It sounds like you have plenty of support, op. I hope her support is as strong. The poor woman. At the moment she decided to take her life who was going to find her was not likely at the forefront of her mind. I wouldn't hold that in any way against the woman.

Thanks all for your replies, once again :)

I’m not holding it against her as I know how vulnerable and low she is right now (although I was angry from the shock immediately after). If/when I speak to her (she hasn’t contacted me still although I’ve tried to reach her severel times, but I know she is safe from who she is with), then I will be treating it with the utmost sensitivity, care and kindness that I possibly can. It’s an absolutely awful situation and I don’t want to exacerbate any of her symptoms at all, however I’m also very aware that her staying here is not going to be the best place to aid her recovery as she will not have the support she needs and neither will it be best for me. I think allowing her to stay will probably mean she’s not forced to seek the help she desperately needs, so it’s also a case of being cruel to be kind (and believe me, I feel bloody awful about it).

Today she collected the first of her belongings and I feel absolutely overwhelmed.

I know I’m doing the right thing for my own mental health but she literally has no one. She didn’t make a scene or beak down but I asked how she was doing and she dropped a comment that she’s having to stay with her ex, who she wants but he doesn’t want her but he will help her through this awful time. She’s doing all the things she needs to - medication and counselling. I’ve told her not to be a stranger, she’s welcome over for a coffee and someone to talk to any time etc and that I understand what she’s going through, but I can’t offer the help she needs.

However I’m so very worried she’s in a situation that isn’t going to help her. And I can’t help but feel tremendous guilt over it, that I could have supported etc, that I’ve put her back in the same place she tried to escape from. I’m an absolute mess over this and my heart breaks for her but I know deep down I simply cannot take on someone I don’t know who needs so much support.

Jesus.

What a challenging situation.

Did you have any input from professionals in terms of your decision? (I am not questioning your decision, more thinking that for you the feeling of being overwhelmed must be awful.)

Also, has she had any input from professionals in terms of support with housing? Struggling with housing is terribly bad for mental health and she might be able to get some pointers on this from her support team.

(I'm only throwing ideas out here, I don't have solutions but went through something similar.)

She’s had a mental health team come out and visit her at her exes. She’s also starting counselling as soon as the tablets start doing their job. But she’s still IN the situation. I don’t think she’s fully told them he’s an ex and she’s in a predicament and needs more support. But maybe that’ll come out in the counselling and I’m also going to suggest to her to speak to the team for housing support. I don’t know what health team she’s in touch with otherwise I’d definitely look to contact them directly.

No, I got no support or help from the hospital, they didn’t even let me know she was discharged - once I’d given enough information on the events that was it! In fact as soon as I phoned later on to say she was not to be discharged to my address they basically treated me as a problem, you could tell they didn’t want to listen to me and when I expressed concern at the fact they didn’t let me know she’d left the hospital the snotty answer of the nurse on the phone was ‘well I’ve told her what you told me, she said she will be staying with her partner. we cannot control if she does come back to yours as she’s free to do what she wants. She’s under a temp address but yours is still on file as her permanent one, there’s nothing we can do, ok?’. And when I said ok in disbelief she basically hung up on me!

I’d just like to add the team who actually treated her when we arrived were wonderful, I didn’t catch their names, but they were so gentle in nature I’m sure it really helped her during her stay.

OK. The stuff with the hospital can be dealt with in a complaints type way. I never bother with this as I pick my battles but some people find it important to them.

It sounds as if what needs to happen is she needs to stop offloading on to you and start telling other people. It sounds as if she has taken to you as her soul source of emotional support. There are a few ways that this could happen. Have you tried asking her for the details of her treatment team? Would she consent to a joint meeting, you, her and an HCP, or you, her, her ex and an HCP?

(HCP = healthcare professional)

You wrote that you didn't catch the names of the treatment team who took care of her. Start taking a note of everyone's name and contact details if you can. It helps you to connect with the people who connect with her.

It's a difficult situation all round . The hospital discharged her to the address known to them , I guess they could have contacted SS but technically she's not really homeless.

I don’t think she was trying to guilt trip or offload souly onto me, I just happened to ask how she was and checked in to she had somewhere to stay. She kept details brief that she was with her ex but had nowhere else as her parents aren’t nearby and he was all she had around here.

She said however these feelings have been building along time and she’s sorry I got caught up in it. I told her she needn’t be sorry, I’m just glad I was there to find her and that she’s getting help. I’ve at least offered her the support of a listening ear and a safe space to chat if/when she needs to escape for a few moments but now I can’t stop thinking about her and her current situation.

I feel this tremendous guilt I’ve turned someone away in their darkest hour, but on the other hand she’s pretty much a stranger, I’m not best placed to provide the support she needs and I have my own MH to consider. What IF I had found her or it happened again? Is it fair for me to put myself in that position for a near stranger when I have little emotional capacity left due to my own circumstances?

I don’t know if she’d consent but I can certainly ask her to see if it would help her move on from her situation. I’d be happy to provide support where I can from an impartial place / safe distance if it helps her move forward more quickly.

For me, Samaritans help with the recurrent "What if?" thoughts which can be quite distressing. Other people like writing the thoughts down (This makes my thoughts worse but it is often suggested.)

I don't think the hospital have done anything wrong. If she didn't consent to you being made aware of her circumstances then the hospital are not at liberty to let you know. And she has not been detained under the MHA so she is her own person and is entitled to her privacy.

I also think, shocking as this maybe for you, that to end a tenancy in this way could be considered discrimination.You had an agreement and she was paying you rent. I think ending it in this way, although understandable, is not necessarily right or just or even legal.