How to cope with a friends failed suicide attempt

[misszp]

Just really looking for a listening ear and a bit of hand holding.

Today I discovered my friend (of a friend) after a failed suicide attempt (overdose). I’ve known her a very little time and she lives with me as I had a spare room and she was looking. We get on but more so as landlady / tenant, so if she didn’t live with me the friendship would dissolve. I say this because it may impact any suggestions later in the post.

I feel numb at the moment, because it was NOT nice. My partner is away for six months and so I’ve dealt with it alone without any hand holding in real life. I realise I’m not the one that requires the main support in this situation, but it’s left me feeling really quite upset.

I was the one to find her. In my house. I was the one to phone 999, I was the one to physically take her to hospital and deal with the lovely nurses and doctors who helped her. Her family and friends I don’t know so I couldn’t even contact them to let them know where she was and ensure she had someone with her. I stayed for a few hours until she was feeling better and more with it, went home, got her fresh clothes, her phone etc.

I just feel so incredibly sad for her that she felt that low and desperate and I know she’s hopefully now met with the mental health crisis team because I made it absolutely clear that this was not an accident and she needed to urgently be put in touch with them. They assured me she would not be discharged until they’d made an assessment and spoken to her.

I know the reasons why she did it now and I empathise with that dark space she found herself in. No one should ever have to feel that desperate and alone (there were NO indications prior that she’d considered taking her life, but as I said I’ve known her a very short time). But I’m also angry that she was going to leave me to be the one to potentially find her dead. What about the impact on me to deal with that especially when it would have been in my own home and would take away the very security and comfort of my home?

On the one hand I know she needs consistency and security right now more than ever, but I also feel she probably needs to be with family who can properly support her. I will be there for her as much as I can but at the same time, I have my own mental health issues (anxiety related mainly) and with a partner who is away, a mother who is very ill and an extremely stressful job I need to also put my own health first. The whole experience has really left me shaken and I don’t want to be in a position where I could find her again.

I just need some kind words that it’s also ok / not ok to be feeling this way. I feel selfish for being upset by the whole experience but I can’t shake it.

@misszp Do you mind if I PM you?

Contact Mindline. You need specific support. Also speak to your GP.

It's very shocking for you to have found her, especially as you barely know her. You will go through the gamut of emotions and you need specialist support to negotiate the process.

Also speak to Shelter for legal advice as her landlord.

You need to think about you and let the relevant authorities think about her

Reiterating what @thethoughtfox said here... such a blunt statement but so true, you are NOT responsible for this person nor would I want them in my home given the circumstances.

Very sad times but you are not a carer, nor should you fear what you might be finding in your own home.

Sending

Please don't be too harsh upon yourself regarding feeling this way x

Perhaps just make it clear that you can be there for emotional support and encourage her to use services and family friends for that . At least till she is feeling better .
It would be good to know if this is something that she has done multiple times before or very unusual for her.
If she is depressed it is a treatable illness and I know you have had a fright and feel put it’s a lot but for her to lose her home following an attempt on her life feels cruel.

“ can”t” be there

I agree with what others have said. The hospital will want to discharge her asap and if there is even the slightest hint that they could justify discharging her back to your address, then they will.

Also you don't know what she has said to them in regards of your relationship. She could have implied that your really good friend's who share a home and so you'd be willing to oversee her discharge and the responsibility that that will bring

Misszp, what a shock for you. I can totally relate. I found my daughter hanging. I saved her life too. Just like you did for your 'friend'.
It's a shock to the system , I remember I couldn't stop shaking.
For her own safety and your sanity, don't let her come back to your house. Sorry if I'm rambling, this brings back memories

OK. Let me put my spin on this.

I attempted suicide in March. At that point; I genuinely didn't care if I lived or died. Of course, as a mother of two, it all revolved around the children, although there were other stressers going on at that point. Then one day, I tipped over the edge. It was, absolutely, concerning the children.

I thought I had lost them forever, you see. My heart broke. I couldn't see a way forward, so I took the overdose. Except... except.. I didn't die. Nor was I thinking of the impact of my own actions. I was so consumed with emotional pain.

This is the first time I have spoken of this.

Since then I have had to deal with the repercussions of my own actions and how it has hurt people. My children, above all, who did not deserve to be harmed. Not that I would have wished that in a second but there is a point where the balance of your own mind is affected. By utterly extreme emotional thinking.

I'm, thankfully, not in that place anymore. But it is a dark, dark place to be in.

OP; it's not your place to wonder where this woman is. I will guarantee you that what led up to her suicide attempts and ideations have come from childhood traumas. So, to suggest that she goes back to her very first abusers or some kind of 'vague notion' that 'They will help her' is utterly erroneous.

No, what they will do is make her feel guilty for attempting suicide in the first place and then set her various 'high jumps' for her getting back into their good books. All of which, of course, perpetuate the very abuse that this woman has been seeking to escape all her life.

If she is not in a good enough place to resist, it is highly likely that she will go back into THAT space she inhabited as a child. But again, really and honestly, you did the best thing you could have done and you helped her. Well done you. x

Ultimately; she is not your responsibility and this is misplaced guilt. I dearly wished I had someone to accompany me to hospital but I did not.

I was very, very lucky. This lovely lady, who I do not doubt has suffered very much trauma in her life, needs the help of the professional and relevant authorities. She will now be in the system.

Be firm but be kind. Assert your own boundaries. This is not your fault. You have been drawn into this.

I hope this helps and

FishesThatFly

Utter nonsense. That's not how it works. At. All.

I voluntarily went into the hospital. Got bloods done and rested up. But I had my cats you see, who needed to be fed. I waited and waited to get;

1 - The results from my bloods
2 - To be visited by the Psychiatrist

I didn't get either until I started to question on them on both accounts. It was getting late. Eight-ish.

I finally got the results from bloods - All OK. You're fine. (They could have told me this hours ago BTW)

'Ok', I asked 'Where are the Psychiatrists?' (I'd been asking this all day)

'They are busy. It might be nine or ten.' It was at THAT point I discharged myself. Simply saying, 'I have responsibilities that I have to take care of.'

I signed the papers, got a taxi and off I went. Simple as.

It's different in different circumstances and for different patients depending on the details.

erinaceus

What an incredibly vague answer. Hmmm

What do you mean by that? It's true. It can be true that the hospital is desperate to move the patient on but if in the eyes of the professionals in the hospital looking after the patient, the patient has nowhere suitable to go to they may not be allowed to sign the papers and get a taxi home.

erinaceus

Again, another strange response. The hospital simply DO NOT CARE if you discharge yourself. Even IF you have not been assessed by mental health professionals.

The only reason that they may try and stop you is if you pose significant risk to yourself or others. The nurses will then, usually step in and argue the point that this is a neurotypical person who has pushed beyond measure and not one that has utterly lost control.

Eh? Are you able to explain what is strange about the response?

Renarde1975 Im so very sorry to read what you’ve been through and I hope that you are on a road to recovery. I appreciate your input and the other side but her family and past (as far as I’m aware) are not are the the reasons for this attempt and they are not abusers. As I said, I’ve been where she is and I had the most wonderful parents in the world. However I could be wrong, but even if I am, as you say, she needs the help and support from the right people. That support, isn’t, and shouldn’t be me.

Thisimmortalcurl I see your viewpoint too and that losing her home is cruel, however I am not a carer nor a close friend (if it were this would be different). I feel it unfair I should have to be on edge in my own home for fear of what I may find again. When she was speaking to the nurses she said she’s not known to mental health teams right now but answered ‘yes’ to if she’s ever self harmed before. I don’t know what capacity that is in, but her staying with a stranger that isn’t able to support will probably not help her. I’m concerned she may do it again and if she does what about the safety of my own home being taken from me and the damage to me if I find her again? I’m not arguing with what you’ve said, just expressing my concerns.

To the poster who found her daughter, I’m so very sorry to read what you went through and I’m so very glad you found her in time. What an awful thing for you both. I hope she also is working through things. It’s such a dark place but there is light at the end.

Erinaceus yes please PM me

I can’t even talk to my partner right now as he’s travelling with no signal or WiFi, it could be days or weeks and it’s utterly shit when I just need his kind words, so instead I’m wide awake at 4am worrying about her and about what to do

@misszp I have PM'd you.

Renarde1975

That's your experience. Mine comes from working in a hospital for over 25 years and being privy to the discussions that take place amongst different professionals

Fish, given your first hand experience do you have any other advice that is relevant?

I’ve phoned the hospital both this morning and last night to explain she’s not to be discharged under the care of my address.

I don’t really know how this works - obviously I’m hoping that will prompt her getting the next steps of help she needs but I’m also aware her stuff is all here, she’d need to collect it. I would never see her without a home if she was in dire need, but I’ve got to put myself first here and I don’t feel her staying is a viable option, for both her health and my own.

Contact the ward sister and ask if you have been put as a contact for her. If that is the case ask for it to be removed.

Phone the next day and ask the person who answers the phone the same question. If your details are still showing as contact/nok then l would complain.

When you speak to the ward sister get his/her name and tell them that she cannot go back to yours as there will not be anyone there to supervise her

Always always always get the full name of everyone you speak too. Ask them to spell it if necessary.

Fishes' advice is good. I would add, you wrote "I would never see her without a home if she was in dire need" but you might have to do this in order for someone else to house her, if you see what I mean?

You need to realise one thing: when people get to that point, they’re not even thinking about themselves or anything other than dying - she would not have had the mental capacity to consider the impact of you finding her or how you’d have felt, so let that one go.
It’s very upsetting for you to have to had to see that and you definitely deserve some support, but please don’t think about why she did it to you because being malicious to you would have been the last thing on her mind when she was trying to kill herself.
I hope she gets some support.
In saying that, she absolutely shouldn’t live with you anymore, because the likelihood of a second attempt is high and it isn’t fsir on you to go through it. Sending hugs to you.

OP I really feel for you and I totally agree that as her landlady, she can't be discharged to your care, so to speak.

are you in London by any chance? Might be worth speaking to these people anyway in case they have any advice

www.maytree.org.uk/

JuJu I do realise it’s not personal and she wouldn’t be thinking of the impact on me. I’ve been there so I know what she is going through. I know the mental torture and the absolute desperation that you see no other alternative.

That’s why I’m so torn about how to deal with this I know she needs some consistency and security and that my home provided that until now, but I don’t feel it my responsibility to be that, particularly with my own situations. I cannot put myself second and feel on edge for fear of her actions again (as I said if this was a close friend there would be no question about my support for them). She needs proper help and support from people who can provide it and know her well. I just hope she takes it with open arms.

Unfortunately I’m not in London, but thank you womaningreen!

I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply to this and offered kind words. Thank you.

Don't underestimate the impact of finding her op, you may need PTSD counseling for that.

Happened to 17 year old friends of a schoolfriend who took his own life on New Year's Eve after they found him. Not going to say how but suffice to say it has ruined their lives.

They and all their close friends did badly in their A levels and needed counseling for a year or more afterwards and were just not the same, happy go lucky youngsters anymore.

Had a devastating impact on the wider school as well as a couple of copy cat attempts.