Did you have an affair and leave your marriage

[Dandylie]

I am in the throes of ending an affair and I am finding it excruciatingly painful.

I knew I had to end it and try to fix things in my marriage but I can’t get OM out of my head. I feel that I love him (although I know that he has many flaws) and, although my husband is a decent, funny, kind man, my feelings are so much stronger for the OM and I am finding it so hard to stop fantasising about what could be with OM if I left my marriage.

I KNOW that I am being ridiculous and that if I actually left DH for OM it would probably be disastrous and I would soon see that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy I have created in my head.

So I am looking for stories from people who have left their DH for their OM and regretted it. Or anyone who stayed with their DH and is really glad they did and their infatuation with OM went away.

(If you left your marriage and are now blissfully happy, I am happy for you but please don’t post, it’s not what I need to hear!)

Please don’t bother telling me what a terrible person I am - I know that already and trust me I would NEVER have an affair again.

You should leave your DH. I know it’s not what you want to hear but you should.

You’ll likely always think what if.

Leave him and let him find someone who loves him like you love your OM.

Oh God JohnnyKarate that doesn’t help 😩.

I think you have to set aside the OM and focus on whether you want to be with your husband or not. You’re better to leave and live alone for a while rather than move straight on to the OM. You’ll understand how you really feel about everything with a bit of space.

A long time ago I was very unhappy with my marriage and I had an affair and got found out. It was essentially a very passive aggressive way of telling my ex that I wanted to break up. It was really horrible but probably no worse than any other horrible break up. I chose to move in to a friend’s flat for a while and still saw the OM but our relationship cooled a bit and we broke up amicably. I’m really glad I didn’t jump straight in with him. I had a year on my own after that and sorted my head out a lot.

Good luck to you - take some time and space to weigh up all your options. When you have an affair it’s a very good way of telling your partner you don’t want to be with them anymore. If that statement makes you angry then throw yourself into trying to save your marriage. Go to counselling. Build trust back up.

Thanks sohardtochooseausername. That’s exactly it - I need to be choosing between staying with DH or being on my own. OM shouldn’t be a factor in that at all (but it’s easier said than done).

There are definitely issues in my marriage and I have spoken to DH about them and we are going to try our best to fix things and see where we are at the end of the year. I just don’t want my feelings about OM to cloud how I feel about DH. And I know i am thinking unrealistically about OM - I just need some sense knocking into me really.

And I have two young children - I need to throw everything into trying to make my marriage work.

Sorry OP I know my post probably wasn’t helpful. I also agree with PP you probably need to be alone and learn to love yourself again. Sounds cheesey but you’re going to be weighed down by all this emotionally and your judgement will be well off currently.

I hope things get better for you.

Does your husband know about the affair? If not maybe you should give him the truth about his life and he will make the decision for you.

Thanks JohnnyKarate. My judgment is massively off-kilter at the moment and my emotions are all over the place. It’s a horrible feeling.

Twistedstitch No he doesn’t and I wasn’t planning on telling him. Very unlikely he will find out.

My best friend did.

Left the OM and stayed with DH. Two young boys.

First year was pretty good.
Two years down the line, relationship falling apart. No third person involved. It’s just not working.

I don't want to upset you, but your post is all about you really. What about your DH? Why do you think the choice is yours to make? The choice is his. He has stayed loyal. You have not. It stands to reason that you may no longer be the type of person he wishes to be married to, and that is HIS decision to make.

Given you have treated him with the utmost disrespect, do the decent thing and give him the facts to make decisions about his own future.

Blearyeyedbear I don’t think I would be doing him any favours in telling him. My affair was fairly brief and mainly over text. We didn’t have sex (although it went further than kissing on one occasion). I know DH will doing anything to make our marriage work - he doesn’t want us to split up at all and I am 99% sure knowing about my affair wouldn’t change that. It would just make him incredibly sad.

@Dandylie your fantasy of a new lovely life with the man of your dreams is just that - a fantasy! What makes you think your OM (who has also been enjoying a return to teenage life) is actually going to commit his actual real life to you - and to being a step dad to your children - whether they want it or not - and he’ll be willing to be seen forever as the cause the break up of your marriage, and hell wait until the divorce comes through and all the trauma it will cause everybody involved - to marry you? It’s one horrible road. And you are asking whether anyone who has been through this has regrets? I think anyone who has - wherever they ended up - will have some awful times to reflect upon. And if OM has a family too - you must think you have the love of the century! In reality of course -you’ve just been enjoying a care free relationship by lying to everyone, rather than be honest about what you are doing. It can’t be the same when everyone knows can it?

So I don’t think you are going to get any different answers - if you really want to know where things are for you emotionally then tell your DH the WHOLE truth - and see what’s left. You may end up losing your family life - and sharing the children between two homes - and acrimonious divorce - and all the things you hadn’t really considered when you started. But you will no longer be in this fantasy land that is taking up your emotional energy.
So - disengage your teenage brain and realise that the toothpaste can’t just be put back in the tube - and you have to build a new life - a real one!

Oh - and statistically - I read that when people leave their primary relationship for the affair relationship- the vast majority fail in the first two years - (85% I recall) it’s just all the reality - of step children that hate you and disagreements over domestic life and who isn’t pulling their weight and whether they even really knew each other before they ended up together etc etc same shit as before but with blended family issues on top.

You're not happy in your current relationship, that's why you had the affair. Your husband deserves better. Leave him, but don't go to the om, he's just greener grass and not the better thing. Be alone and find someone you actually want.

Dadaist - OM is divorced. But no I don’t think he (or I) have thought through the consequences.

I just wish I could go back in time and never agreed to meet up with him. I’m so scared I won’t be able to feel anything for my husband while I am obsessing over OM. And I can really obsess over things.

I get what people are saying about telling DH but I really don’t think it’s a good idea.

Dadaist That’s helpful to know, and makes sense.

OP can you pm me as I have a story you would definitely need to hear. Having been in your situation. Can't post here as it is too outing. I would love to save just one woman from what I went through...as cheesy as it sounds. I don't know how to pm on mumsnet....

I had to leave my DP due to abuse which I know is really different, but the reality of separating when you have children is awful. You miss every other Christmas, every other weeeknd. Child constantly shuffling between two houses. Maybe thinking about what the reality of life would be like post separation will help? I don’t know. I think it’s tough to recover a relationship if you’re not working on it together. Can you get some therapy?

I did and regretted it. Hardly a day goes by when I do not regret it. It was many years ago, early on in marriage and I came back, had family with my lovely husband who never stopped loving me.

The grass often appears greener and often isn't.

There has been the odd occasion when I've said to my husband how much I regret what I did and am sorry; he always says that it is well in the past, I must draw a line under it, he has and never thinks of it.

I'm very fortunate.

Rebecca36 Thanks for sharing. Your DH sounds lovely (and mine is too - a much better man than OM).

I did and still experiencing the fall out many years later. It's been a really tough time, especially financially. I'm not with the other person anymore. We split up amicably within the first year, partly due to the pressure.

I am very happy I am not still married though. It doesn't bear thinking about that I might still be trapped in that situation. So, I feel guilty but I don't regret it.

I think life is short and you should think carefully about what you want. In a year's time how will you feel with your dh? If the marriage isn't fulfilling you then seriously consider leaving. OM is a bit irrelevant, maybe you'd have a great relationship or maybe not. There are plenty of other great men out there though.

SIGH. Just grow the f* up.

I think I'm about three weeks ahead of you. I had an affair and it ended a few weeks ago. It's really made me realise I'm not happy, I knew that before but this has highlighted it. We ended as we both felt we needed to look at how we feel in our relationships without another person present in our minds. So far he's still in my mind, but it is a bit easier than it was. I'm trying to give it time to fade but feel very stifled at home.

I haven't told my husband either, it doesn't feel the right thing to do for me, people will always disagree with that and others will agree, but I have to live with my decisions and for me, it doesn't feel right.

There's always loads more to a relationship than you can possibly write on a thread. My advice as someone who is going through very similar, be patient. This is what I'm trying to do. Don't make a rash decision. It's awful, it's heartache and if you're like me, you're still hoping for the fairytale but I'm trying to stay logical that it wouldn't be a fairytale with a divorce going on in the background. Good luck.