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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you have an affair and leave your marriage

125 replies

Dandylie · 16/09/2018 16:34

I am in the throes of ending an affair and I am finding it excruciatingly painful.

I knew I had to end it and try to fix things in my marriage but I can’t get OM out of my head. I feel that I love him (although I know that he has many flaws) and, although my husband is a decent, funny, kind man, my feelings are so much stronger for the OM and I am finding it so hard to stop fantasising about what could be with OM if I left my marriage.

I KNOW that I am being ridiculous and that if I actually left DH for OM it would probably be disastrous and I would soon see that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy I have created in my head.

So I am looking for stories from people who have left their DH for their OM and regretted it. Or anyone who stayed with their DH and is really glad they did and their infatuation with OM went away.

(If you left your marriage and are now blissfully happy, I am happy for you but please don’t post, it’s not what I need to hear!)

Please don’t bother telling me what a terrible person I am - I know that already and trust me I would NEVER have an affair again.

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 17/09/2018 14:55

Sorry OP not what you want to hear bit it's really not fair of you to be keeping this secret from your dh and being the one who gets to make this design in after being so deceitful. Put yourself in his shoes.

1Wanda1 · 17/09/2018 15:03

Dandylie I haven't been in your position but earlier this year I helped a friend in a similar situation. She has DC and like you, her husband is a good man and they were great friends but she had fallen head over heels for someone else (also married). They were deep in the affair bubble and both told their spouses and were ready to leave.

I would have supported my friend whatever she did, but I talked it over with her for many hours dispassionately. She realised that the affair was not "real", that she had nothing to base her assumptions about how her affair partner would behave in real life on, and that her husband was someone whose mettle and character she did know.

She didn't know if she could get that spark back with DH. She stayed initially largely to avoid the awful disruption for the DC. A few months on and she and her DH have really worked on their relationship and it is better than ever. She says she looks back on the affair as being like a dream.

No one can make your decision for you, but don't be sucked in by the fantasy of what your affair partner is like: it's not real life.

Also: listen to Esther Perel's podcasts Where Do We Go From Here? And watch her TED talk about affairs.

Original poster
Dandylie · 17/09/2018 15:06

Thank you 1Wanda1 that is really helpful and just the sort of story I wanted to hear.

OP posts:
certificateofauthenticity · 17/09/2018 15:15

Personally, I think you are on here to justify your position. Not take any advice. Your mind is made up. You want attention. You will post again in a few weeks, asking again about your situation and how you feel. I believe the majority of people here would say ' tell your DH' and at least let him decide if the marriage is worth saving. But if you did that you could not have your cake and eat it. There again, if you were a decent, honest person you would not be in this position.

Original poster
Dandylie · 17/09/2018 16:03

certificateofauthenticity I don’t want attention, I want advice/stories from people who have been through the same. Obviously what I have done is not at all honest or decent but that doesn’t mean that is my character through and through. I really regret what I have done and would never have an affair again.

OP posts:
BarryManilowRocks · 17/09/2018 16:06

It was an Exit Affair
That's a thing?! A real, actual thing where people choose to have an affair as a way to exit their marriage?
There are some real fucking scum bags out there.

HugeAckmansWife · 17/09/2018 16:12

I did. Left a marriage for OM. Remarried and had kids. We are now divorced. The desperate infatuation was overwhelming and made me feel I 'had' to act on it even though my first husband was wonderful and we were happy. A year or two in I knew that I was no happier with husband no1 than husband no2 and I had caused a horrific amount if damage and hurt to swap like for like. In my case there were no children involved but there are now with my 2nd marriage and its really awful. Even in the best co-parenting relationships there is a lot of missing out for all concerned and its to be avoided if at all possible. Water the grass you're on and make it greener instead of jumping the fence.

Sohardtochooseausername · 17/09/2018 16:22

HigeAckmansWife I don’t think it’s a conscious decision to have an exit affair - more that when the relationship is over and there seems to be no way out people start acting self-destructively - could be an affair but could also be alcohol or drugs or working away a lot. Obviously some of those are more forgivable!

Sohardtochooseausername · 17/09/2018 16:23

Sorry that was for BarryManilow

LeftRightCentre · 17/09/2018 16:31

Wow! If you were a man posting this you'd have had your arse handed to you on a plate.

Adora10 · 17/09/2018 16:49

Unreal, if this was a man talking he'd be desecrated but because it's a woman.....shame on you all who are supporting this, the OP is clearly just looking for happy ending stories to her sordid affair.

Original poster
Dandylie · 17/09/2018 16:58

HugeAckmansWife Thank you, that helps. I know that my OM is nowhere near as good a man as my DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylie · 17/09/2018 16:59

Adora10 I am looking for the exact opposite! I am looking for stories of people who managed to move on from their affair and make their marriage work!

OP posts:
Adora10 · 17/09/2018 17:04

OP, how can you make a marriage work when you are lying and deceiving your OH, you don't need to ask on here what to do, perhaps stopping your bit on the side would be the first step to being a decent person and then working on your marriage, you don't seem to want to do that though, cake and eat it come to mind.

TwistedStitch · 17/09/2018 17:09

I think it is extremely selfish of you to decide that you are going to let your husband live a lie because YOU think it's best for him not to know the truth. You have already proven that you don't have his best interests at heart.

Santaclarita · 17/09/2018 17:18

You can't make a marriage with based on lies. It's not the truth, duh.

But you're gonna keep lying to him, and probably cheat again. Dunno why you bothered asking for other stories, to make yourself feel better I guess. The only one I feel sorry for is the poor man stuck married to a lying woman like you.

BackInTheRoom · 17/09/2018 17:26

My exh had an affair (Runaway Husband) and the whole family has been shattered. Absolutely life altering. It has devastated my parents, his parents, our kids, mine, my future grandkids lives. As long as the person who is having the affair is happy that's all that matters I suppose 🙄

TwistedStitch · 17/09/2018 17:30

My first husband had an affair ( no kids involved fortunately). The worst thing for me was that I wasn't given the truth about my own life. I made financial decisions, TTC etc based on the belief that I was in a monogamous marriage. When I discovered the truth it felt like my consent had been violated. I don't buy that you are sparing him the truth for his sake OP, you are continuing the deception because it's better for you.

fuddle · 17/09/2018 17:39

Sorry you are only asking about what you want to hear. You don't want to know about people who have left their husband's and it hasn't worked? It sounds as if you regret yr affair so try and make yr marriage work lots of people make mistakes. Work out why you had the affair in the first place.

fuddle · 17/09/2018 17:39

Sorry has worked...

Dadaist · 17/09/2018 18:01

Hi @Dandylie - I just want you to know that in spite of my harsh words - I do understand and I do feel sorry for you - in as much as you’ve done something you wish you could undo!
So firstly - you know OM isn’t going to give you any kind of happy ever after. The more you tell us - the more it’s obvious (like really obvious) that he saw you as a soft target because your an ex so he wouldn’t need to woo you much - just rekindled the old flame - and you were married - so he thought of you as safe because you would want to keep things discrete.
If you doubt this - tell him you are thinking of telling your DH and moving to be with him - ask him if he thinks it’s a good idea. He will say NO - it’s a terrible idea - or not yet or think again - and there is your answer.
Secondly- you can’t bear the guilt, shame and hurt you would bring on yourself by confessing. This is normal boring regular cake eater behaviour and nothing to do with any particular circumstances of your DH or family. So stop pretending that it’s a moral thing to do.
Thirdly- and I mean this sincerely - for many what you have done is not entirely unforgivable- you’ve not committed adultary and your emotions are your personal things. What matters is your integrity. Your DH really might forgive you - but you don’t have all the time in the world to make that decision. And the secrecy fuels the fantasy and the feelings of attachment to OM. Once you confess you’ll feel pretty stupid - is my guess.
If you choose to deceive DH - you will have crapped on your relationship- and you will have to spend the rest of your marriage pretending that you really can’t smell anything- and it will linger and linger.
So - clean it up - and see - you may have more than you deserve but a chance to make things far happier- and it probably is your only chance at meaningful happiness. Otherwise you are blighting your life and stealing his.

ovendoor · 17/09/2018 18:04

As I said earlier; you NEED to tell your DH.
You can work on your marriage all you want, you coukd make it truly amazing!
But when it comes out, which it invariably will, it will destroy him ten times more that the past however long was a lie.

If you want to stay with your DH. You need to let this be a decision HE makes with the full information. Otherwise the affair is only a part of the deceit, the subsequent years that will feel like a lie will break his heart.

LeftRightCentre · 17/09/2018 18:10

Oh, please! The OP isn't interested in growing up and behaving like an adult in a marriage, hence an OP dictating to everyone what to post, only things she wants to hear, the guff about not telling her H because it's best for him, the melodrama of the OH, the call for stories. I've met teenagers with more maturity.

CarolDanvers · 17/09/2018 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

certificateofauthenticity · 17/09/2018 18:20

Dandylie , I do think that circumstances can overwhelm rational thought and that affairs can happen to ' good' people. Your original post says basically ' don't tell me I've done wrong'. It just appears that you want no consequences for your actions. You do not understand how it will be when, not if, your DH finds out that his life is a lie. The point of my advice/comment was that you need to start with fixing yourself. Start being honest, start being someone that deserves love. I wish you the best. I hope you make the right decisions.