Did you have an affair and leave your marriage

[Dandylie]

I am in the throes of ending an affair and I am finding it excruciatingly painful.

I knew I had to end it and try to fix things in my marriage but I can’t get OM out of my head. I feel that I love him (although I know that he has many flaws) and, although my husband is a decent, funny, kind man, my feelings are so much stronger for the OM and I am finding it so hard to stop fantasising about what could be with OM if I left my marriage.

I KNOW that I am being ridiculous and that if I actually left DH for OM it would probably be disastrous and I would soon see that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy I have created in my head.

So I am looking for stories from people who have left their DH for their OM and regretted it. Or anyone who stayed with their DH and is really glad they did and their infatuation with OM went away.

(If you left your marriage and are now blissfully happy, I am happy for you but please don’t post, it’s not what I need to hear!)

Please don’t bother telling me what a terrible person I am - I know that already and trust me I would NEVER have an affair again.

I know it's hard OP. I would stop contact with OM and see how you feel. I was in a similar position and it just messes with your head.

My marriage is wrecked and I'm hanging on by a thread

Read this. Really.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/

Can I ask why you had the affair? Was it because something is lacking in your life or in your marriage. I don't get why people do it when you have promised to be faithful!

Thinkingofausername1 DH and I haven’t had sex for 3 years. I think I have lost respect for him because he relies on me so heavily as the main breadwinner and doesn’t try very hard (in my view) to earn more and be less reckless with money. I have a very high-paying job but I hate it and it’s very stressful and long hours and I feel like DH is happy to sit back and let me work myself to the bone in a job a hate while he has a fairly easy ride. He has his own business but it doesn’t make much and he isn’t very driven.

Have you been to marriage counselling?

Have you sat down and told him about your resentment of him?

Have you looked at cutting your hours down temporarily and cutting your cloth accordingly?

As someone who's DH has had an affair you are being utterly selfish and cruel not telling him. Stop kidding yourself that you are doing it for anyone else's sake but your own. Your DH deserves the truth about his own life. There is nothing more disrespectful than keeping this from him.

Not personally but a women whose husband recovering from a serious illness got infatuated with a college.
He was single and pursued her.
She was desperately un happy at home and was deeply tempted.
The colleague eventually moved away.
Fast forward a few years the couple are as strong as in love as ever.
She bumped into ex Colleague and wondered what she ever saw in him.
Affairs are usually a destruction
More than anything else.

Backintheroom Yes I’ve sat him down and told him and he completely understands where I am coming from.

We have discussed marriage counselling - we’re both willing.

I can’t cut my hours right now. My husband’s business has brought in just a few thousand this year. The financial burden is all on me.

Robin2323 Thanks - glad she managed to go back to loving her husband and forgetting the other man.

Go google John Gottman and Dr Willard Harley. Watch their vids maybe read their books?

OP. I found out 11 years after the event of an EA as my stupid H left written stuff in a drawer about the other person and on checking some very old phones had left texts arranging very occasional meet ups I knew nothing about (I knew this young girl well ) . All I can say is finding out stuff like this even years later is devastating. I didn’t leave but I certainly don’t feel the same on a sexual/ romantic level, partly I feel because of the secrecy and lies. If he had told me he had an infatuation and wanted to get past it I would have been upset of course but would have had some respect for owning up at the time, a lot more than I have for keeping me totally in the dark

You can’t fix a marriage when both parties don’t have the full truth.
Your husband could put everything into fixing your marriage and it would be wasted effort because you haven’t given him all the facts and are holding back.
Selfish behaviour

You need to leave both of them.
Have the decency to tell the truth
When you can be a decent human on your own, without destroying anyone, you might find someone to have a relationship with.

I know you are having a hard time OP . It’s easier said than done , I totally understand because I went through these things and overcame it. My DH is not physically and emotionally connected to me although i am a very devoted wife for him and the children and his family . He doesn’t want to talk to me , no touch ,no kiss , and sex is so boring just one position all the time and can be once a month or less if i werent the one who initiated. He hasn’t improved anything no matter how much i have been talking to him through it ( i am very straight forward and honest to him ) I have 2 childen , one girl one boy and because my DS is autistic , i can’t leave the marriage. Until now my DH still my first and only man in my life but i feel stuck . Apart from that he is very responsible to family and is a good Dad . i discuss with him about my feeling , about open marriage and even peaceful divorce but he has been silent all the time and didn’t response to my requests. In my case my husband has some Asperger trait ( i found out after my son’s diagnosis ) maybe because of that he can’t change his way .

I felt really desperate when I have some secret emotional affair which I just kept it for myself and didn’t act on it . i was seduced by a man who is my DH’s friend’s son who is 10 yrs younger than me and is completely different type from my husband ( charming, flirty , understanding woman ...) I just let time to prove everything and he turned out to be worse than my husband in different way( i found out later on that he is a real player and seducer) . It has happened for 1year 1 month now and although my mind told me to stop but my heart still makes me think about him every single day. I tried everything to forget ( went to gym , downloaded books about this to read on kindle and read karma stories about cheating people ...) and although i can’t completely remove him out of my head but at least the infatuation now got weaker and he started lost his patience and chase me less. During that time i have tried to work on my marriage . And when my DH realised that i am wanted by OM he has been trying to change which gives me more reason to give my marriage a try

You've got a crush. It will fade. Then hopefully life can return to normal and a few years down the line you'll be horrified at what you nearly threw away.

You need to leave both of them.

Agree, you've had the affair now. There's no reversing that.

You're still blaming him for this. Yeah he isn't as driven as you, but he hasn't had an affair either. Being in that kind of relationship isn't an excuse, you should have talked to him about it. Not gone to another man. Don't blame him for this, it's entirely your fault. Sooner you accept that and tell him (unless you already have) the more likely you are to make this work. Do neither, and you'll both forever be miserable. Your choice.

Is everyone missing the part about not having sex for three years?

OP, no wonder you are seeking affection elsewhere. That's awful.

What @Huskylover1 said! Tell him you're coming with your two kids to move in with him to make a go of it!!! He really will disappear in seconds. With or without excuses.

That should settle your heart that he's a waste of space good-for-nothing!!!! I knew this guy Andre who had about 44 affairs ( many simultaneously) with unavailable women and disappeared for the hills as soon as they became available.

It's about trying to prove to themselves their self worth and how desirable they are apparently. Good luck with it!! It's all consuming but not in a healthy way it sounds. I'm sorry, look after yourself.

*Is everyone missing the part about not having sex for three years?

OP, no wonder you are seeking affection elsewhere. That's awful*

Not at all, so leave him. Never an excuse to cheat. If it was the man with a wife using that excuse everyone would be saying he's lying walk away. She does it and poor girl needed sex... Not buying it. Leave him and see whoever you want.

@TooManyPuppies It's nice that there are some women on here with logical minds that I can relate to. You are so right, it's like I'm sorry but there is zero excuse to cheat. If you aren't happy just leave and do what you want, two wrongs not making a right come to mind.

I was also thinking about the fact that we hear when a lot of men have affairs they "rewrite history", talking about a broken marriage that never existed. Isn't it safe to assume that women having affairs do the same thing?

Yeah, this person hasn't slept with anyone else though. Hardly an affair.

But yes, if your partner decides to withdraw from the functions of a committed marriage while still holding you to a contract, I think it is absolutely understandable that someone would begin to experience attractions elsewhere.

I was in a very unhappy marriage, my husband hadn't touched me for 4 years and was most unpleasant to me (I was mid 30's). I didn't look for an affair, it just sort of happened. It made me realise what an awful man my husband was and I eventually left him 6 months later (not for the OM, I'd finished with him after a few meetings). Best thing I ever did.

Obviously OP, this is not how you want to do things, but I would advise you not to tell your DH if you want to work it out, some secrets are best kept.

Djnoun I’m afraid I’m the one who doesn’t want sex - my DH hasn’t been withholding it. I’m not sure why I don’t want to - I just lost it after my first child and it never came back. I think it’s linked to feeling a lack of respect for my husband because of the fact he doesn’t work very hard/is reckless with money/I don’t feel he supports me.

Anyway, I’ve just made a an appointment with a psychosexual therapist to try to get to the bottom of it! I think if I can get those feelings back for DH, I will be able to fix my marriage.

Oh OP. You can't be psychoanalysised into fancying someone.

Djnoun I just want to know I have thrown everything at my marriage before I walk away. I still consider my DH attractive, so I hope if I get to the bottom of why I don’t want to have sex with him I might be able to address it. It could be that we fell out of the habit. The therapist will hopefully have some ideas I can at least try. I’m giving it until the idea of the year. If I can’t have sex with him by then, I think we will have to separate. But I really want to know I’ve tried everything.