Did you have an affair and leave your marriage

[Dandylie]

I am in the throes of ending an affair and I am finding it excruciatingly painful.

I knew I had to end it and try to fix things in my marriage but I can’t get OM out of my head. I feel that I love him (although I know that he has many flaws) and, although my husband is a decent, funny, kind man, my feelings are so much stronger for the OM and I am finding it so hard to stop fantasising about what could be with OM if I left my marriage.

I KNOW that I am being ridiculous and that if I actually left DH for OM it would probably be disastrous and I would soon see that the reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy I have created in my head.

So I am looking for stories from people who have left their DH for their OM and regretted it. Or anyone who stayed with their DH and is really glad they did and their infatuation with OM went away.

(If you left your marriage and are now blissfully happy, I am happy for you but please don’t post, it’s not what I need to hear!)

Please don’t bother telling me what a terrible person I am - I know that already and trust me I would NEVER have an affair again.

Yes. I'm not still with the man I left for, I am single but happy that way. It was an Exit Affair and I have absolutely no regrets.

Your feelings for OM are going to cloud your judgement for a while. Have you seen a website called something like womens infidelity? A poster on another thread said it made her see how utterly cliché her affair was. It took the rose tinted specs off.

I know you wont but I'd say the same to a man here - please tell your spouse so he gets to choose how his life works out in good faith.

I just can’t stop thinking about your DH and that you will never tell him. That makes me both angry and sad. He deserves to at the very least have a wife who hasn’t lied to him and betrayed his trust. If you love your DH at all, tell him. If you stay with him after this without telling him, you are very cruel.

Whatever you decide to do, you need to tell your DH. It will come out eventually, these things always do, and years down the line it will be worse that you've lied all this time.

You don't need an exit affair to leave. What's with all the people who need a soft landing?

Haireverywhere they don't want to be alone.

Not telling your partner you cheated is the cowards way out too. You might think it's best not to tell them, but they are living a lie, thinking that their partner has been faithful and they haven't. People don't deserve that, and to do that to someone you supposedly love (you don't clearly) is just cruel.

No, it wasn't about not wanting to be alone, in that I ended it within weeks of leaving my marriage and am alone now and have been for 9 years; happily. It was about not having the strength to leave an abusive situation but suddenly having someone in my corner who made me feel that I had some worth and that there could be a future even if not with him. I'm sure it's not like that for everyone but it was for me.

It's not about a soft landing. It's about perspective. Sometimes you don't realise that you've been sleep walking into something until you are jolted awake. The rest of your life is a long time to carry on making a mistake for.

This probably won’t help you OP, but I was seeing OM when with my partner, and OM was with his. It went on for several years. He split from his partner, I split from mine. Both had an idea about us but weren’t 100%. We tried for a year to make ‘us’ work. We’ve just finished it. Both heart broken. But it wasn’t meant to be. It was different when we were a secret, I don’t know why. I do love him him though, and I know he loves me. He keeps mentioning ‘see how we go and maybe in a few months we will realise we should be together after being through so much’. I don’t think. I’m not playing a waiting around game just in case, saying pick me. Sorry this probably didn’t help! (Although it’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this to anyone!!).

All the people saying OP should tell her husband about the affair - why?! I was told my husband had and I seriously wish I never had been. Having an affair trashes the relationship as soon as it happens, but knowing about things doesn't fix it or offer any resolution, it's already done. I think people only admit it in an attempt to ease conscience. Don't tell him, OP. Stay and actually try and make things good or use this as your sign to leave, but you absolutely do not need to shatter him with affair details.

Mn double standards. If a man had an affair posters would be telling the woman to get her ducks in a row but when a woman has an affair she’s told not to disclose that information to her dh who’s sexual health is at risk.

Sexual health probably not at much risk from an affair that was mainly over text tbf. I said don't tell him, not out of double standards thanks but from personal experience knowing how utterly devasting and hopelessly shit you can feel finding out.

I had a brief affair. I didn't leave. I didn't really want to be with him, it wasn't just sex but it was an infatuation with someone totally unsuitable. It was incredibly intoxicating though and dreadfully hard to deal with it ending.

It made me realise that my marriage was dead and that I would probably meet someone else who wasn't just fling material.

I ended my marriage and the following week met a man I would've left my marriage for. I'm so glad I left my marriage when I did.

I suggest that you tell OM, that you are leaving your DH for him, and that you'll be arriving tomorrow with a suitcase and your kids.

You won't see him for dust.

Sorry, that sounded a bit harsh. What I was trying to say, was that the type of guy that has an affair with a married woman, is rarely good relationship material.

Huskylover I am actually tempted to call his bluff. It would help me re-focus on my marriage to know for sure he wouldn’t really want me if I was single.

ooohhh do I get to be in the paper if I tell you?

If OM wanted you to leave your husband, he would have said so. At the moment you are a safe bet, because you are possibly going to make yourself available for sex, but you will be unable to ask him for any commitment, given that you are not "free". For some men, this is a win-win scenario.

Aside from this, you haven't even had sex yet. It's all in your head. He could have a Micro penis / erectile disfunction / be absolutely shit in bed.

Imagine him having a really big poo : that'll dampen your ardour for a a while.

You shouldn't be with either man, you can't stay faithful; i pity your poor husband, hope he doesn't catch VD from you.

End both, then work on yourself and try and figure out why you are making such hurtful choices.

No fairy tale story to tell you to keep you entertained with your affair, sorry.

Patroclus No, I’m not a journalist. I posted a similar thread a couple of months back about my situation. Honestly, I’m not.

Adora10 No I don’t have VD or anything else - we haven’t had sex.

Huskylover1 I actually did ask him a couple of weeks ago why he got in touch with me in the first place and was it because I was a safe bet because he knew I couldn’t demand any commitment from him. He was a bit het up at this point because I was giving him a bit of a grilling about some of his past behaviour towards me years ago but he said “I don’t know Dandylie, maybe subconsciously it was!”. That’s not a very good answer is it? It’s not like he said “No, it’s because I have always had really strong feelings for you” or anything.

I KNOW he has disaster written all over him but my heart won’t quite catch up with my head.

Try to think of the impact on your kids. As a PP alluded, it's heart breaking watching them traipse between 2 houses.

My mum had an affair when she was in her 50s/60s. My dad found out.

Mum wanted them to carry on living together but see other people,,,,I think to have her cake and eat it. So dad started seeing someone else. The bloke my mum had been seeing ran for the hills. Mum obsessively stalked him for ages. Then went mad that my dad was seeing someone. My dad left and they did get divorced and my dad was happier than he’d ever been and remarried. My mum never had a relationship with anyone again and was bitter and lonely.

I am not sure my perspective is helpful but I am now an ex-wife after my ex-h left me and the kids for OW. Five years on they remain together although I don't think he has very much choice with it. She is hugely controlling and can't bear us having contact. The impact on both of the children has been horrific, my DD, his stepdaughter for many years has never spoken to him again and our DS, now aged 7 and only 2 when he left, has struggled terribly. It's a much longer story sadly. As for me, I don't think I will ever recover properly, it has been life ruining. I would say that it's vitally important that you are very aware of the impact on your children. That you will have to live with the impact on your DH. However, I don't and never would advocate staying in a marriage where you are unhappy and don't love your partner, that is not fair on anybody. Having an affair, however, is a very selfish choice. My advice would be to forget about OM, make a decision about your marraige but do it without the complications of an affair and where you can consider a new life free from the guilt of that. I know of very few affair to full time relationships that have lasted. It does happen, but it's very rare. I feel terribly sorry for your husband in this.