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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU re living with my DP? I think I am...

77 replies

Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 10:20

I'm temporarily living with my DP and my 3dcs as there's a building delay with the new house I'm buying. I'm really really grateful he has put us up. I don't have anywhere else to go due to a fall out with my parents.

There's 5 of us in his 2 bed Terrace so a bit of a squeeze! Plus his two dogs. We've been here 4 weeks. Probably looking at another 4/8 weeks.

I'm struggling. This is where IABU I think. His house does not feel like home. He bought it and did it up with his ex. She still owns half (they split up 5 years ago) we have been together 2.5 years. She's brilliant, a really nice person.

I have done washing up, cooked etc and washed my DC's clothes but that's about it. This morning his day have pissed and shit all over the stairs to the kitchen and on the floor. I've got a kidney infection and feel terrible do haven't cleaned it up. I just can't bring myself to do it. In my head I'm thinking it's not my problem Sad

I feel uncomfortable and baseless and anxious all the time here. I'm not sleeping well. I work FT so I'm not here much but when I am here I'm on pins.

This is making me question if I want to be with DP anymore? I can't work out if it's living with him that's causing this or just the house. Whatever is happening I feel so unsettled. I left a physically abusive marriage 4 years ago and vowed not to live with anyone again. Circumstances have forced it and honestly, DP has been great! Supportive, kept the house going, bailed me out financially a couple of times. IABU aren't I? Anyone had any experience of being really thrown by living with a DP in their house? Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 15/09/2018 10:30

Can you cope with being there for another 1 or 2 months, knowing there's an end in sight?
You don't need to feel guilty, you have good reason for feeling the way you do. It's nobody's fault. You'll be in your own home soon, and I'm sure the relationship will be back to normal then.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 10:34

Yes. I can hang on. I don't have much choice.

I feel so guilty because he knows I'm so unhappy and I think this is upsetting him. I feel so bad and ungrateful! Plus I think he'll be pissed off I haven't cleaned up after the dogs. I genuinely feel too ill though. He's still in bed.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 15/09/2018 10:43

It's great he's doing to a favour but not sure your gratitude should extend to cleaning of dog shit in the house. Is there a reason the dogs have done that? Sounds like they need a walk.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 10:46

They do it frequently tbh (the shitting).

His ex usually walks them x2 a day but she is on holiday so they didn't get their morning walk yesterday. I took them out last night with the DC's though.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 15/09/2018 10:52

He needs to get his arse out of bed and walk his dogs! Poor things, shitting in the house cos they haven't been walked. That would put me off a man far more than how welcome I felt in his house.

TrippingTheVelvet · 15/09/2018 10:54

7 bodies in a bed flat is never going to be a happy experience

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 15/09/2018 10:57

He’s still in bed and his dogs are shitting in the house?

Come on. He’s a lazy fucker. Why are you taking them out? Why hasn’t he got up and sorted them?

rageymcrageface · 15/09/2018 10:59

His dogs don't get walked if his ex isn't available?! Why doesn't he just give her the dogs?? He obviously doesn't want or deserve them.

EvaHarknessRose · 15/09/2018 10:59

I think you do need to go over and above to be helpful and good tempered about staying, because it can’t be easy for him either.

But when you leave you will have to assess what living together has taught you about the relationship. I think you are sensible to want to keep your own house in a relationship.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 11:00

I'm a stoic, happy to get my hands dirty person usually but the dog stuff this morning has got to me. Probably because I'm ill.

Our sex life has gone be to zero too because we hav a 7 year old sharing our bedroom and no door to our attic room so obviously we can't get it on with a 15,10 or 7 year old in hearing distance. Probably adding to the disconnect.

I've just sent him a message saying get up and sort out the dogs as I'm ill.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/09/2018 11:02

As someone else said, I’d be massively put off by someone staying in bed while their dogs missed a walk and pooed inside.

Honestly I probably would have cleaned it up because that is is quite horrible but I would think a whole lot less of DP

Ohyesiam · 15/09/2018 11:02

He needs to get up and sort his dogs.

I think your feelings and your partner are probably separate. As long as he knows he is not likely to get to live with you and won’t feel he’s been lead along that’s fine. You can’t expect yourself to feel at home just anywhere , it sounds really crowded.

Him being kind and generous is great, and you are allowed to be grateful while not enjoying it. Both things can exist.
Just get through the next couple of months, and yanbu , but you are expecting a lot of yourself.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 11:03

(He is massively lazy regarding the dogs, no idea why he won't let her have them full time. They currently share custody. Yes, of dogs Grin I don't know why that amuses me but it does).

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 11:09

He won't be living with me. He can't sell this house as it's worth less than they paid for it.

I think I'm worrying about the future tbh. This is where my anxiety is stemming from. I've always wanted us to live together but the reality has been stressful and uncomfortable. This is probably down to me being quite damaged by my marriage but it doesn't bode well for our future.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 15/09/2018 11:17

Change your mindset. This has been a brilliant opportunity to see what life would have been like if you'd lived with this man. Clearly, you are not really compatible, and he sounds like a bit of a wally TBH, so just thank your lucky stars that you havent got in any deeper with him.

Couldnt you just have opened the back door and let the dogs poo in the yard?

bastardkitty · 15/09/2018 11:18

I would - get through the next few weeks until your house is ready. Keep a lid on things and keep things as amicable as possible. Move into your home and have some space and take some time to think about the relationship and what you want and need. I have ended a relationship with a lovely person because of extreme laziness. I would never have a relationship with someone who slept in while their dogs shat in the house. It's grotesque and abusive.

earlybirdhasanap · 15/09/2018 11:27

I couldn't be with anyone who thought it was acceptable not to care for his dogs properly. No wonder you feel fed up. What a lazy man.

category12 · 15/09/2018 11:27

I know this thread is in danger of becoming all about the dogs, but take the laziness about them, and the selfishness in keeping them when he doesn't look after them properly (as a hook to keep the ex around?) as a warning.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 11:28

I did let the dogs out this morning but they'd done it overnight.

He's got up in a right grump and cleaned it up. IWBU about cleaning it up. I know I was. Who'd have thought the cracks blew wide open over dog excrement?

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 11:30

My reticence about cleaning it up is based on resentment. I know that. At least this has come to light before the full commitment of living together, moving furniture in etc.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 15/09/2018 11:32

It's a symptom of his lazyness that has opened your eyes. If he is a diamond in other ways then you could always have a live out relationship.

category12 · 15/09/2018 11:47

You weren't being unreasonable not cleaning it up - you're ill and they're his dogs that he's neglecting.

Musti · 15/09/2018 12:02

If he insists on shared custody of his digs he has to care for them. If they need a morning walk to do their business then he needs to do it.

But sharing a 2 bedroom house with so many kids and dogs was never going to be easy. Does he clean and tidy otherwise and pull his weight?

I doubt I'm ever going to live with a man again so I won't really care what they do or don't do as it won't concern me.

TeacupTattoo · 15/09/2018 12:03

I don't think you were unreasonable about not clearing it up, I'm sure he'd have got you out of bed if one of your children had vomited everywhere. His attitude to his responsibilities as a dog owner shows him in his true light and you are now aware of this. You are also under tension because of being in a man's house due to your history. Accept this and just cope as good-humoured as possible till your house is ready - he has after all been kind in letting you all stay. Is there no hope of sorting out your family issues?

Wheresthel1ght · 15/09/2018 12:09

Yanbu, they are his dogs and he has been d
Too damn lazy to get up and walk them.

You are ill, he should be looking after you not humping because you didn't clean up after his dogs.

Seriously look at alternate living arrangements til your house is ready. Is there a clause in the contract that states if not ready by X date they will put you up in alternate accommodation? Check it out as you can not go on like this