AIBU re living with my DP? I think I am...

[Strawbroke]

I'm temporarily living with my DP and my 3dcs as there's a building delay with the new house I'm buying. I'm really really grateful he has put us up. I don't have anywhere else to go due to a fall out with my parents.

There's 5 of us in his 2 bed Terrace so a bit of a squeeze! Plus his two dogs. We've been here 4 weeks. Probably looking at another 4/8 weeks.

I'm struggling. This is where IABU I think. His house does not feel like home. He bought it and did it up with his ex. She still owns half (they split up 5 years ago) we have been together 2.5 years. She's brilliant, a really nice person.

I have done washing up, cooked etc and washed my DC's clothes but that's about it. This morning his day have pissed and shit all over the stairs to the kitchen and on the floor. I've got a kidney infection and feel terrible do haven't cleaned it up. I just can't bring myself to do it. In my head I'm thinking it's not my problem

I feel uncomfortable and baseless and anxious all the time here. I'm not sleeping well. I work FT so I'm not here much but when I am here I'm on pins.

This is making me question if I want to be with DP anymore? I can't work out if it's living with him that's causing this or just the house. Whatever is happening I feel so unsettled. I left a physically abusive marriage 4 years ago and vowed not to live with anyone again. Circumstances have forced it and honestly, DP has been great! Supportive, kept the house going, bailed me out financially a couple of times. IABU aren't I? Anyone had any experience of being really thrown by living with a DP in their house? Sorry it's long.

Just occurred to me your dp is also stressed at the "invasion", which is why he's hiding in bed instead of dealing with the dogs. You'll both be happier once you're both back in your own spaces. I'm full of admiration at what you've achieved for yourself and your family, and you've got that, whatever happens with this relationship.

pickingdaisy so stressed at the invasion that he said no when she asked him to do the school pick-up because she's still very ill?

Why do people make excuses for these dick men? He was in hiding in bed because he expected OP to deal with the shit.

Wow. No not making excuses, have already said he's hiding in bed, it's disgusting and op should not be cleaning up. Just wondering if his bloody awful behaviour is out of character, and triggered by new circumstances. Ok havaina? I agree with you.
OP, that's what you need to think about. If you think it's actually his true self that you're seeing now.
If there's really nowhere else to go, then you need to sort out some ground rules to help you both get through the next few weeks. Hope you're having a better day.

Well the end is in sight. I got the draft contracts from the solicitor.

So we might be able to move out sooner rather than later. Things have really gone downhill this past few days. I've been walking the dogs as I've felt so sorry for them. He's gone to bed straight after he came home from work. I can't be fucked with the laziness and how selfish he is. Even if this isn't the real him, I don't like this side of him and I'd be waiting for it to come through.

I think we will be over once I move.

Ah, sorry. At least you'll be out of the situation soon.

So sorry strawbroke at the way it's gone. I'll keep my fingers crossed for your house getting sorted quickly, so you can be out of there. (((Hug for you )))

Can you contact his ex and tell her he's neglecting the dogs? She should keep them full time.

Poor dogs.

This shows you what he is like as a person.

If you weren't there these dogs would not be getting any walks, they would be shitting all over the house and having to live in it because he can't be bothered to look after them. When would they also get fed or watered?

He is negligent if not downright abusive to them. Tell his ex, they deserve better.

Agree with every word that uniquefashion said. A lazy bastard who can’t properly care for poor animals is no catch. The last thing I’d be worrying about is not being able to have sex with him.

There’s nothing attractive about someone who lies in bed whilst their poor dogs need to go out to have a pee/shit. I’d report him for cruelty to animals before I thought about what is right for me. Cannot abide people who don’t look after their pets.

Botanicbaby what are you talking about? I have not said a thing about having sex with him.

Jesus-some people are just outright awful on here.

Ditto what your thinking.

If he’s like this now, ok the house is full to capacity.
But
That doesn’t stop him from getting up and picking the dog shit up in his own house.

I was on my own after divorce with dd for 10 years.
DP then Used to stay over at mine fri night till Sunday being together 18 mths I stupidly thought when he mentioned buying somewhere together that’s what I wanted.
After being on my own then moving in together, you only then get to know someone 100%.

We’ve been together in this house 15 yrs now, but I’d never again live with anyone. Nothing like making your own decisions on every level
,

In one of your first few posts you mentioned that your sex life had “gone to zero” since living with him. I wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise.

Look, I’m not blaming you for HIM being a vile, disgusting lazy shit who neglects his poor dogs. Just pointing out that they really need to be taken out for walks and to be able to have a pee/shit. It’s a basic functional need for them. Someone needs to speak up for them, don’t you think?

OP, Botanic didn't say anything awful, she was bring supportive. She was referring to this comment of yours:

Our sex life has gone be to zero too because we hav a 7 year old sharing our bedroom and no door to our attic room so obviously we can't get it on with a 15,10 or 7 year old in hearing distance. Probably adding to the disconnect.

I do feel that as he’s done you a massive favour, you should be putting yourself out for him... if it was me I’d do the lions share of cooking, cleaning for him. It’s probably also a massive inconvenience for him, he’s gone from a quiet place, just him and his two dogs, to being overrun by you and your dc.

But, and it’s a huge but, he’s dealt with it all appallingly. Hiding in bed, letting you clean up after his dogs is simply not on. Sounds like you have sucked it up and so should he. If this is the way he deals with problems or stress then I’d not blame you for calling it a day when you move out... he should be able to sit down and discuss the problems this situation has caused, not act like a silly teenager.

Lucky you didn’t move in permanently with him, you dodged a bullet here

Please tell his ex about the dogs... more than anything else it is not fair on them and I wonder how he is with them if you weren't there to feed or walk them.
Hope things work out well for you once you have moved!

That's good that the move in date may be moved forward. If I were you I'd look for a short-term rent in between ahah you can move out

Not entirely relevant, I know, but if the dogs are being let out / walked last thing and STILL peeing and shitting in the house then it’s their training that’s off or they have a medical condition.

My dog usually has a last pee at 10ish and can last through until we get up at 7:30 - occasionally later on weekends.

That aside, I think you’re making the right decision to end things once you’ve moved.

Sounds like you're making some good decisions at the moment. Can you really not move in with family in the interim though?

I can't move in with family but I just ended it.

He's not very happy. Not sure where we are going to go. I'm hoping he will allow us to stay for another 9 days. My exchange contract says I have to complete within 10 days of the builders finishing the property and they finished yesterday.

This date period , in September, is cursed for me. I was raped around this time when I was 11, I was removed by an ambulance 4 years ago due to an assault by my exH, I miscarried my first baby when I was 19 this week 20 years ago and now I'm homeless with 3dcs. It's a complete fucking joke, my life. I'm so sick of the shitty drama that follows me about.

Do you know what? Bloody well done you!

You've broken the cycle of the date period not continued it. You've taken control back. You've made a decision. You aren't being subjected to other people's awful actions () or living through the body being a bastard (more ). You are a strong woman and you are doing the right thing for you and your children.

Can you afford to move into a hotel or a B&B for the next few nights? Premier Inn or Travelodge type affair?

A friend that can help you out for some of the nights? Or can you at least make sure you're not having to share a room with him if you stay put?

On the phone tomorrow to the sales office of the company and see if they are open, and what they can do, otherwise Monday up and at 'em.

Stay strong, you've got this.

Do you know what? You've had all manner of shit thrown at you, you really have. But sounds to me like you're doing damn well for yourself despite all this.

Focus on the future, moving into your house. Have a look on air BnB and see if there's somewhere you can stay nearer your house. I'm sure money is very tight tho. Given the time period is much shorter, would a friend put you up?

SilverHairedCat I swear I didn't see your post before I posted. So how did we both start with the same sentence?

Thanks eddie and silvercat I know I'm strong, everyone tells me all the time 'You are so strong straw, you've gone through so much etc etc' I've even done a fucking masters in psychology to try and understand other humans. But it's me. I'm deficient. There's something wrong with me. I'm a fickimg disgrace and I hate the way I am with people. It's like the people who love me most are driven to hate me.

@Strawbroke Masters or not, have you ever done the Freedom Programme? You might find it cathartic, especially if you were to to the group version and meet other women who have been through life experiences like yours.

you'll be familiar with the theory behind why people who have been through abuse end up going through further cycles of abuse, but even my dearest friend, a senior MH nurse went through the programme and found it life changing after a diagnosis of CPTSD from her own, not dissimilar, life story.

Maybe one to consider when you're safe, in your new home and in a position to go through with it.

It doesn't detract from the evidence of your strength.

Also, pause and look at the language you've used to describe yourself in that last post.

Fucking disgrace
Deficient

It's incredibly harsh - and frankly not true.

You'd never ever say it to another woman in your position, I'm sure.

So why are you saying it about yourself?

Just a thought.