Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU re living with my DP? I think I am...

77 replies

Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 10:20

I'm temporarily living with my DP and my 3dcs as there's a building delay with the new house I'm buying. I'm really really grateful he has put us up. I don't have anywhere else to go due to a fall out with my parents.

There's 5 of us in his 2 bed Terrace so a bit of a squeeze! Plus his two dogs. We've been here 4 weeks. Probably looking at another 4/8 weeks.

I'm struggling. This is where IABU I think. His house does not feel like home. He bought it and did it up with his ex. She still owns half (they split up 5 years ago) we have been together 2.5 years. She's brilliant, a really nice person.

I have done washing up, cooked etc and washed my DC's clothes but that's about it. This morning his day have pissed and shit all over the stairs to the kitchen and on the floor. I've got a kidney infection and feel terrible do haven't cleaned it up. I just can't bring myself to do it. In my head I'm thinking it's not my problem Sad

I feel uncomfortable and baseless and anxious all the time here. I'm not sleeping well. I work FT so I'm not here much but when I am here I'm on pins.

This is making me question if I want to be with DP anymore? I can't work out if it's living with him that's causing this or just the house. Whatever is happening I feel so unsettled. I left a physically abusive marriage 4 years ago and vowed not to live with anyone again. Circumstances have forced it and honestly, DP has been great! Supportive, kept the house going, bailed me out financially a couple of times. IABU aren't I? Anyone had any experience of being really thrown by living with a DP in their house? Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 12:17

No chance of sorting it with family.

I really thought I'd be told to get a grip and stop being ungrateful Sad

I've got a lot to think about.

OP posts:
Furx · 15/09/2018 12:18

Im Interested in exactly why you think it is your job to do this kind of shitwork.

You dodged a bullet. He’s a lazy arse who CBA to care for an animal properly.

Move out as soon as is practical and seriously evaluate the relationship.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/09/2018 12:27

I think up to a point things are getting to you because of how many people and dogs are living in a tiny space.

Trying to keep on top of things must be very very hard. Not enough space and then the dogs shitting everywhere.

Is this a regular thing or a one off.

FWIW we live in a tiny house 4 adults and it is a mess all the time because there isn’t enough storage to put everything away

Uniquefashion · 15/09/2018 13:04

Judge people by how they treat animals, not people.

He is not a nice person. He's happy to let animals suffer while he sleeps. And frequently too.

I would leave him based on that, followed by reporting him to the sspca/rspca.

pickingdaisies · 15/09/2018 13:14

Sorry I kind of assumed from your first post that the dogs had been ill overnight, not that they are used to going to the toilet in the house, that's disgusting. And he's disgusting for allowing it, does his ex realise this is going on?
Since you've got no real option, slap a smile on, refuse very calmly to clean up after them, and meanwhile have a quiet chat to yourself about what you want once you're in your own place. To be honest, with your updates I think I'd be looking for any kind of alternative in case the new house drags on longer for any reason.

picklemepopcorn · 15/09/2018 13:24

So if you and your DCs were not there, who would have cleaned up after the dogs?

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 13:30

I have dogs, would not put up with crap everywhere. Total health risk plus neglect. They need proper care, tell his ex. A trained dog will do anything not to go in the house.

Eugh. If he can't look after a dog....I worry for you.

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 13:32

Get your kids out of there too. There'll be soaked in poss & crap plus bugs. People think I'm super soft but hygiene.

LeftRightCentre · 15/09/2018 13:37

I think I'm worrying about the future tbh. This is where my anxiety is stemming from. I've always wanted us to live together but the reality has been stressful and uncomfortable.

Why? You can have perfectly good, long-term relationships without living together. It's actually a good idea, especially when there re children involved and/or separate assets. He's lazy. And controlling (he'd rather let the dogs suffer than allow his ex to have them). So carry on seeing him but just don't ever live with him.

Foodylicious · 15/09/2018 13:39

I absolutely think it would ok for you to have either just cleaned it up when you found it, or woke him up and asked him to do it.

Where are your dcs today though?
Have they had to be around un-cleaned up dog shit because you didn't want to face it?

I hear that you are having a bad time, but that's not really fair on any of you for it have been left around for hours

Original poster
Strawbroke · 15/09/2018 13:56

My DC's aren't here. I wouldn't have left it had they been here in case they stood in it.

I should have cleaned it up. I just couldn't bring myself to, because I felt sick but also because I'm so fed up of the whole situation.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/09/2018 14:06

You shouldn't have cleared it up. His house, his dogs that he didn't bother walking - you have a kidney infection. Your resentment isn't born of nothing.

Havaina · 15/09/2018 14:20

Why should you have cleaned it up, OP?

Why was he grumpy? Because you didn't clean it up?

OliviaBenson · 15/09/2018 14:20

Why do you think you should have cleared it up?

pickingdaisies · 15/09/2018 18:15

No, you shouldn't have cleaned it up! Why should you?

picklemepopcorn · 15/09/2018 18:24

It can feel tricky sharing a space, and I understand you are grateful to him for accommodating your family. The normal response would be to make sure you and your DCs make no mess, if they do to clear it up, to include him in family meals and to cover your costs and a take away/bottle of wine occasionally.

Clearing up after his dogs is not the deal. Not at all. If your DCs vomited on the stairs one morning, would he sort it out or would he get you up?

It's a good thing you will be moving out soon. In the meantime, would a babygate work to keep them in one room so they can only mess somewhere suitable?

Don't let him come and live with you. He isn't ready.

Waddsup12 · 15/09/2018 18:36

Bare minimum, puppy pads in one room but really it's neglect. Don't think it's your job but it's going to be if you put up with it. You might end up doing all the shit jobs as he just doesn't and most people would snap and just do the decent thing.

Defra standards.

[https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/697953/pb13333-cop-dogs-091204.pdf Dog Welfare Booklet]

Branleuse · 16/09/2018 10:26

i dont like staying with my dp for more than a couple of nights either tbh, and even then, i need space during the day. Ive lived with him before, but ive come to the conclusion neither of us are good with living with people. Its not a failing. Its an understanding of yourself, and I dont think it necessarily means youre not destined to be together, because i dont think theres any such thing. We get on mostly fine living apart.

Strength to you anyway. I hope this situation doesnt have to continue too long

Original poster
Strawbroke · 16/09/2018 10:34

I say him down last night and talked through the issue with the dogs. He said he had been rubbish with them recently and admitted that in the mornings he's a grumpy arse and he's sorry for being annoyed about cleaning up.

Although this morning I asked if it might be possible for him to pick up my DS1 from football later as I'm still really ill - and I got a grumpy 'I'm trying to sleep I can't think about things' so he's obviously not taken the morning/sleeping issues on board.

Branleuse I'm pretty sure I can't live with anyone. This past few weeks has been mentally very tough. I need my own space, my own furniture and bed and to be in my area. My friends, sister, the DC's schools and my work are about 20 miles away and I didn't realise how connected and at home I felt there. Desperate to get back. Definitely won't be living together. I'm still not sure about the relationship, if I move out and things settle down we might have more hope but at the moment I'm not sure we will make it tbh Sad

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 16/09/2018 10:44

He can't be asked and he's able to neglect things, don't let that become you too.

Your own mental health is way more important than anything else. Preserve it.

I don't think it's a weakness to acknowledge you need space, it's really important as you get older.

Original poster
Strawbroke · 16/09/2018 10:54

I think, for me, it's a case of feeling safe. When I left my abusive ex I went into a refuge for a bit, quite faraway and with the DC's and all we had was our clothes and mattresses on the floor. This is the same here as all my stuff is in storage. I didn't get even a teaspoon from the marital home as my EXH abused me into accepting a pittance for it in settlement. I bought and built up all my possessions and the culmination is buying MY OWN house, it's instrumental in my recovery.

This temporary delay has impacted on my MH because I don't feel safe. I'm trying to work out if I'm seeing cracks in the relationship because I don't feel emotionally safe or if it's because I've seen a new side of DP living with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawbroke · 16/09/2018 10:56

Once I get in the new house I think I'm going to focus on the DC's and myself. We've had a rough, unsettled 4 years. They adore DP but I think we will just go back to dating once or twice a week and I'll concentrate on the children as this is always what stabilises me and makes us all happy Smile I feel better having thought this through. Thank you all for being my psychotherapists Grin

OP posts:
category12 · 16/09/2018 10:58

I'm trying to work out if I'm seeing cracks in the relationship because I don't feel emotionally safe or if it's because I've seen a new side of DP living with him.

Perhaps both.

(And bloody well done on getting to a position where you bought your own house. You rock.)

disappearingninepatch · 16/09/2018 12:34

I'm pretty sure I can't live with anyone. This past few weeks has been mentally very tough. I need my own space, my own furniture and bed and to be in my area.

Once I get in the new house I think I'm going to focus on the DC's and myself.

Sounds perfect.

HollowTalk · 16/09/2018 12:40

Is your new house near your sister and friends?

This guy is far too lazy for you and though it's been tough living with him, it's probably saved you years of misery because you now know you don't want to live with him.

I'm with you over the independence - never let go of that again.