So fed up with DH's hoarding

[AwdBovril]

I'm absolutely fed up with DH's hoarding. DD is 6 & she's starting too... she will occasionally consent to get rid of a few things, usually after a tantrum, with some (quite a lot of) encouragement from me, but DH then seems to feel the need to "gatekeep" every item that is destined for the charity shop or bin. He often puts at least a quarter back.

DD has a double bedroom, lucky her. She's been asking me, for the last 3 years, for a sibling. I'd like another child, as would DH. However, we're a low income family & as things are, we have no room for another - DD's room is full, literally, of her stuff. An actual mountain of toys. PILs are unhelpful in that they regularly bring her more, I've asked them not to as we're struggling for space, trying to downsize, blah blah blah. It went in one ear & out the other. Every week, more toys arrive, & as usual Everything Must Be Kept. Their house is worse (more years to accumulate stuff, & no restraining influence).

I have explained to DD & DH very clearly that although I would love another child, it is not happening unless a) the house is kept tidier, b) they both significantly declutter, & c) that it has to happen in the next year. I'm late 30s & disabled. DH says I'm being unreasonable. I pointed out that he promised to stop hoarding before we got married, & again before we had a child; he hasn't. I feel like I was tricked into it, (although I didn't say this, as it would be unnecessary & cruel).

I wasn't brought up like this. I feel like the house is not only untidy but (in places) filthy. Some spots of certain rooms haven't been vacuumed for years because they're "his" & he has a great big pile of stuff that I'm not allowed to touch. I found a hand knitted woollen jumper of mine with 2 holes in it today because I can't clean properly & we have some kind of clothes beetle.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't married him. And just typing that makes me feel so sad. I don't know what to do. Except for the hoarding / untidiness, he's a good man, I think.

You're doing amazingly, AwdBovril - I am so impressed with how proactive and honest you are being

There will be some posters who insist that you have to leave him RIGHT NOW and he will never change, but it sounds like you are being very level headed - you are accepting the possibility that you will end up leaving, and are thinking about what that option would look like (asking about benefits, housing, sorting your books, etc). You don't HAVE to end the relationship right now - even if you wanted to, it would be better to make a plan and leave with somewhere to go (ASIDE: I say this since there is no domestic violence involved - in that case, women may need to just leave to protect themselves).

I think you are realistic about your DH's chances of improving his hoarding, and you seem to have (sensibly) disengaged from thinking that you can be the driving force in that - he is the one who needs to contact help, admit he has a problem and make concrete changes.

Regardless of whether he does or does not address his problems, you can decide to leave anyway. You aren't holding him to ransom ("Fix your hoarding or else I'm leaving") you are telling him the truth - "I can't live like this anymore. Your hoarding means that the house isn't a place I or our daughter can live".

The next few weeks are a time when you can sort out your options for leaving, and for him to show a good-faith, sustained effort to make changes. You may decide at the end of that time that he has convinced you that this problem will drastically improve, but then again, you may not.

I really feel for you. I remember a poster a few years ago documenting her life with her hoarding DH. It was breaking up their marriage and she was going through real anguish. My heart went out to her.

I agree with so many posters though. This is an untenable situation and needs to be sorted pronto. I wish you luck.

Thank you all so much. I wish I could see into the future so I could know. And you're right, SendintheArdwolves, there is no domestic violence here. He is a very gentle man. I think if he'd been able to stand up to his parents more when he was younger, & not been worried about hurting them, he would be far better off now. Definite FOG.

I feel marginally better this evening. I have hospital tomorrow though. Not sure what they're doing to me as I never got the appointment letter, only a helpful text reminder a few days ago.

Take it easy Awd - but be aware of your own (F)OG with respect to your DH.

Your DD needs YOU to be ready to do the right thing by her and break the cycle if he can’t change. Yes he is a victim of his DP/ childhood - but your DD doesn’t need to be a victim as well. Your DD ending up as a hoarder as an adult is the least of your worries. The reality could be that she endured “shame”, social isolation in childhood, lived in dangerous and unhealthy conditions as well as having a DM who was preoccupied, frustrated, agitated and negatively focused on an increasingly difficult relationship / situation.

Noted, another20. If I can't help him overcome his MH issues I'll be damned if I'm going to sacrifice her to them.

Hmmm, these are deep seated issues and his response is probably a subtle variation on the tried and tested ‘I’ll make a few conciliatory noises now, in order to preserve the status quo for later’.

Your tolerance of his behaviour is impacting your health.