No seriously, is it me???

[Crossroad]

Hi all!

(Super long- I'm so sorry!)

I'm trying to decide if I want to stay with my partner of 9 years. We've been together since 6th Form, and I've often felt, over the years, thst we're not right for each other.

Firstly we don't seem to agree on anything of any importance. He's quite a believer in conspiracy theories and so doesn't have his name down on any voting register, which I find ridiculous. He also doesn't believe in vaccinations for children, not because of the 'Autism link' but just because he doesn't believe that what 'The Government', says about them is true.

We have incredibly different backgrounds-mine- middle class loving parents close family. His - dad in prison, mum an alcoholic.

He smokes, which having watched a relative die slowly of cancer, I'm not sure I want in my life. He also smokes cannabis which basically eats most of his money, so he never has any for us to do things together.

On the subject of money I bring in more than him, and I pay out a lot more too, i feel like my money has to go on serious things- Mainly my car (which we share) and I usually buy all of the food too. He does pay half of the rent and bills, but always bemoans how much everything costs.

Finally I just don't feel loved. He doesn't show affection for me, but maintains that he loves me. We have sex roughly once a fortnight.

I feel that, at 26, I'm losing years to settle down and find 'Mr Right' My partner always used to joke about proposing at 10 years together, but I honestly don't think he will. The more I consider it, I'm not sure I want to marry him anyway.

I worry about him in so much as if I leave, he has nothing. Our house is owned by my parents. The car is mine. He would literslly have nowhere to live and he works from home so a stable situation is essential for him, or he'll be adding no job to that list. He's also been depressed for the last year and I feel awful about having these thoughts now.

We also have a dog together, we both love her dearly and I don't want to lose her but fear that I would. When we do conect physically, it's amazing and I feel so close to him, but the other 95% of the time I feel very lonely.

I'm not perfect though. I am incredibly selfish-I fear that I borderon narcissistic. Most of my thinking is about finding someone 'better'. Am I being ridiculous? I know I can trust you all for brutal honesty!

TIA

You feel sorry for him. You don’t love him and that’s not fair on him or you.

Honestly, I think that you two have just grown apart. You have probably changed quite a lot since sixth form. I know I have. It's really hard to walk away from such a long term relationship. But you can't stay with him for the wrong reasons.

Your not being ridiculous you just want to move on. You’ve out grown him.

My friend was like this and then got pregnant. 20 years later she is still there. Miserable. People don’t really change.

@Saggital I do love him though. I just wish he was the amazing version of himself I only see 5% of the time. I'm just so sick of everything being hard. He never wants to do anything that I want to do :/

I can see you wanting to make sure it's not a 'grass is greener elsewhere' situation but honestly if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

My ex was very paranoid about things and we were very different politically and we just weren't right for each other. If I had stayed with him then I would have missed out on my boyfriend now who is just amazing. You have plenty of time to meet someone who is more on your wavelength.

The fact that you worry about how he'd do without you shows you can't be as bad a person as you think you are but as harsh as it seems that's his problem not yours. Who knows maybe being on his own would sort him out a bit, but you do have to put your own happiness first.

Definitely not ridiculous

Having a family with a man child who smokes pot every night is simply not a good idea she says post divorce

And god, it would be hell on earth for me too living with someone who deals in conspiracy theories.

Ditch and don't look back. You'll regret it if you don't

Also do you mean you have sex about every month, or that the sex is rough? If the latter, just another thing to add to the list

I just wish he was the amazing version of himself I only see 5% of the time.

That is him. That is 5% of him. The other stuff is the other 95%.

You can’t and shouldn’t try to change someone. Or wish them to be different.

You have to thinkof yourself. So many things sound wrong, you cant stay together for a dog!! Maybe its the kick up the pants he needs?

Even if it is all you and your issues, so what? You’re still entitled to make a decision based on those, you know.

What do you get out of this relationship now that is still for you worth having?. Why are you still together, are you really only together out of habit now?. Of course you're lonely, anyone would feel lonely too if they had a duff relationship like this. You and he got together when you were very young and had no real life experience behind you as well.

Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied. You are being dragged down by him.

This relationship has well and truly run its course; you are not at all suited to each other and are really incompatible on a fundamental level. You are at different points in your lives and he is basically riding your coattails. You cannot stay with him out of pity or because of your jointly owned dog. If he has nowhere to go that is his problem and not yours. He is really and simply now playing on your good nature. Bad boys are simply that; bad.

Stop wasting your life further on someone who is and has never been your project or fixer upper to improve or to otherwise rescue and or save from his own self. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works. Find someone more akin to you and your values.

IMHO the pot and the conspiracy theories are linked. Everyone I know who smokes pot also owns a tinfoil hat.

Most of my thinking is about finding someone 'better'.

I think you'd find better in a Wertherspoons at 9am. While MN is generally too quick to say LTB, in this case it's appropriate.

I would leave him, I'm afraid. You've outgrown him and your different backgrounds are creating a problem. He prefers to just complain about things - that's very wearing.

I would let him keep the dog, though. He works from home and he doesn't have anything else in his life. You have a loving family.

Do you love him or are you really confusing love here with codependency?. What is love to you because this is clearly neither a loving nor healthy relationship to be in. No wonder you are unhappy; you are with good reason.

Try to picture yourself still sat there with him in 20 years time. At which point you will be much older and will find it much harder to find someone else.
At the moment, you have no kids and are still really young. He is not your child and you're not responsible for him. You can be fair about it and allow him time to find somewhere. If he has a job then he can afford to rent somewhere.
Maybe having to actually fend for himself might give him the kick up the arse he needs to be more responsible including packing in smoking dope.

Oh God you’re only 26! You’ve got years ahead OP, don’t waste your life away.

He isn’t who you want him to be.

Do you really love him or is it just he’s all you’ve known? I think you can do so much better, and to be honest his living arrangements aren’t really your problem, he’s an adult. I’m not even going to start on the conspiracy theories and the weed. 🙄. Do you really want children with someone like that?

You’ve grown up, moved apart. That’s ok, it really is. This isn’t going to work. Don’t stay with him, go and be you.

If the ddog is micro chipped to you pack its bowl, pack yours /his stuff and split.

You deserve much more than he is prepared to offer.

Girl I can only tell you this one way.

Dump him and run.

@spud @blueskies that what I feel like, but I feel like an awful person to feeling this way! I honestly wish we'd never met so I wouldn't be in a situation where I'm in love with someone I feel I have no future with:/

Good grief.

Look, the whole point of dating is to see if you are compatible.

When you grow up you realise there is more to life than feeling sorry for a bloke.

You are not compatible. That pretty much is it.

If you stay together you are blocking yourself off from meeting someone who you are compatible with.

Who would even want to be in a relationship because your partner feels sorry for you?

I honestly wish we'd never met so I wouldn't be in a situation where I'm in love with someone I feel I have no future with

Life is a bitch - you need to get over it.

Part of being in a relationship means being grown up enough to end it when it needs ending.

But what do you love about him? You said he’s only amazing 5% of the time? What is it about him?

I couldn't get passed the cannibis use. Leave him OP. It's not you, it's him

Pull the plug on this relationship now before you do become ever more overinvested in him. You are simply hurting your own self and jeopardising your own future by being together at all now.

You likely do not love him so much as was in love with the idea of him. You perhaps thought at some point that your love for him could make him a better all round person. However, as you have seen all too clearly now he was never your project nor yours to rescue and or save from his own self. This is who he is and you and he are fundamentally on totally different pages.

Make better choices for yourself going forward. Be strong. Yes, he perhaps has some good points. But he’s not good partnership material. Listen to your rational voice that says this relationship is bad news. Don’t worry about how he’ll survive. He’s a grown man and can take care of himself. Don’t make it your problem.

Don’t let him try to change your mind. He’ll probably plead with you to give him another chance. Don’t fall for it. You’ve heard it all before.
Get support from your friends and family. You’ll need their help when you’re feeling alone and vulnerable. Join friends after work. Keep your schedule full.

I think you want different things in life. He is still a teenager, smoking, smoking weed, moaning about bills.

You are more grown up, and want to plan a future.

I don’t think there’s my problem in having differing views, unless they really are the opposite of what you believe and can’t accept/respect them.

The fact that he squanders his money on drugs, and hadn’t considered making any savings etc, shows he is living for now, not the future.