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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No seriously, is it me???

92 replies

Crossroad · 10/09/2018 18:14

Hi all!

(Super long- I'm so sorry!)

I'm trying to decide if I want to stay with my partner of 9 years. We've been together since 6th Form, and I've often felt, over the years, thst we're not right for each other.

Firstly we don't seem to agree on anything of any importance. He's quite a believer in conspiracy theories and so doesn't have his name down on any voting register, which I find ridiculous. He also doesn't believe in vaccinations for children, not because of the 'Autism link' but just because he doesn't believe that what 'The Government', says about them is true.

We have incredibly different backgrounds-mine- middle class loving parents close family. His - dad in prison, mum an alcoholic.

He smokes, which having watched a relative die slowly of cancer, I'm not sure I want in my life. He also smokes cannabis which basically eats most of his money, so he never has any for us to do things together.

On the subject of money I bring in more than him, and I pay out a lot more too, i feel like my money has to go on serious things- Mainly my car (which we share) and I usually buy all of the food too. He does pay half of the rent and bills, but always bemoans how much everything costs.

Finally I just don't feel loved. He doesn't show affection for me, but maintains that he loves me. We have sex roughly once a fortnight.

I feel that, at 26, I'm losing years to settle down and find 'Mr Right' My partner always used to joke about proposing at 10 years together, but I honestly don't think he will. The more I consider it, I'm not sure I want to marry him anyway.

I worry about him in so much as if I leave, he has nothing. Our house is owned by my parents. The car is mine. He would literslly have nowhere to live and he works from home so a stable situation is essential for him, or he'll be adding no job to that list. He's also been depressed for the last year and I feel awful about having these thoughts now.

We also have a dog together, we both love her dearly and I don't want to lose her but fear that I would. When we do conect physically, it's amazing and I feel so close to him, but the other 95% of the time I feel very lonely.

I'm not perfect though. I am incredibly selfish-I fear that I borderon narcissistic. Most of my thinking is about finding someone 'better'. Am I being ridiculous? I know I can trust you all for brutal honesty!

TIA

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 10/09/2018 21:24

There will never be a good time. Just do it as soon as possible. Every day you keep him in this bad relationship is another day he is not meeting Miss Right and is not learning to grow up.

If he threatens suicide in a manner you believe to be real then call an ambulance. You are not a mental health professional.

Original poster
Crossroad · 10/09/2018 21:26

It's half past nine, I'll be up at 6 and needing to be in a frame of mind to go on a school trip,plus I have a migraine! Right now is not the right time! xx

OP posts:
sparklyandhungover · 10/09/2018 21:27

It dosent sound likes he's
Going to change but to be fair to him I would be speaking to him and telling him you are unhappy and you're not sure if this is going to work for you long term.

RabbitsAreTasty · 10/09/2018 21:28

Make a plan for when and avoid him until then.

Singlenotsingle · 10/09/2018 21:32

Just bite the bullet, and tell him this isn't working for you. The sooner the better.

lifebegins50 · 10/09/2018 21:38

The purpose of dating when young is to find out what type of person suits you.

It is very common to change in your mid or late 20s as brain development continues. You don't seen to be compatible and whilst it is sad to break up you will both be happier in the long run.

You are so very young to decide he is the best you can settle for.

Maelstrop · 10/09/2018 21:57

You can do this, OP. I think it would be fair to give him a couple of months or less if you just can’t bear it. Your post has made me so sad. You sound trapped and frustrated. His mh probably isn’t helped by smoking constant weed. What is he doing with his life?

Haireverywhere · 10/09/2018 22:08

Please don't ignore him and treat him badly by doing so. Just tell him.

Mary1935 · 10/09/2018 22:24

He’s had a very difficult start in life - has he sought help to deal with this. He will generally be mistrustful due to his early years formation. The smoking pot will exacerbate this greatly. He maybe depressed. Does he have any friends or is he reliant on you? You feel responsible for him - maybe you need help to end this relationship by seeking understanding in therapy.

almostchristmasagain · 10/09/2018 23:27

Argh that's sounds far too familiar OP, the suicidal thing - the he may kill him self if I leave. - or has even threatened to - is what kept me there for far too long. It's not fair on you, it's a bloody awful thing to have to deal with at your age. It's passive control, you have to be nice or they may harm themselves - and then it gets to the bloody point after you have wasted another couple of years of your life mopping up after them.

The only advice I can give, is keep it together, get everything in order, have a time in mind, get some backup friends/family round and kick him out. Pack for him. Or he will never ever leave. It's not heartless, it is preserving your own sanity as it's horrid horrid game that no real partner would play.

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/09/2018 23:54

Wow reading that was so depressing. Sounds like your life has become so humdrum and predictable.

You're only 26! You don't love him, that's obvious. You're clearly used to having him around like part of the furniture.

You will be 100% happier if you finish things. You've got your house and car and a job. You're free to do whatever you like.

Stop settling for Mr Mediocre when you can be off having adventures.

Come on. You know I'm right! Get your spark back!

Dieu · 11/09/2018 00:03

Life is too short for it only to be good 5% of the time.

Original poster
Crossroad · 11/09/2018 00:44

I've spoken to him. I've told him I need a break and that I'm going to stay with my parents for a while. It's only fair as they live quite near and his work stuff will take a little planning to pull down and move. Thank you all for your support tonight xxxx

OP posts:
ferando81 · 11/09/2018 00:51

If u were narcissistic you wouldn't care about what happened him if you left.

Thecrabbypatty · 11/09/2018 01:05

OP do you feel better in your heart of hearts for saying it? If so then you know it's right x good luck x

delphguelph · 11/09/2018 01:14

Remember that you are NOT a charity.

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 05:27

Well done OP, that must have been really hard but absolutely the honest and fair (to you both) thing to do.

Santaclarita · 11/09/2018 06:03

Don't waste your time with him. My ex was hopeless too, no ambition in life, depressed, always 'woe is me'. Couldn't deal with it so left.

Musti · 11/09/2018 08:36

That's great, op.

AgentJohnson · 11/09/2018 08:40

This is who he is and has always been but for some reason,only you can answer, you’ve opted to wait for the newer and improved version of him to show up.

Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic and you’ve apparently chosen to be his Mum, which you aren’t and he isn’t a child.

Accept the man he is and stop wasting time waiting for the grown up him to show up.

TheVanguardSix · 11/09/2018 08:41

You’ve been in a relationship for years. Spend some quality ‘you’ time, OP. Don’t look for another relationship for now. Grab life by the horns! Good luck.

user1492863869 · 11/09/2018 09:08

I think you need to separate your thinking about whether you should stay in the relation from you concern about his welfare. The later is not a reason to stay together. That is unequivocal at your age. You must constantly remind yourself of this. If you find you don’t want a relationship with him, end it. It doesn’t mean you have to be mean to him or throw him in the streets immediately.

I think you are really asking how to go about this in a way that is kind and compassionate to him. Be firm and clear. A simple device is to use the “I” statement. This makes it about you and not about him. It removes the option for him to try to improve or be better. So:

I want to end the relationship
I want to do other things
I want to experience new things on my own.
I have decided we should no longer live together and I am moving on.
I need you to move out.
(An option here, is to tell him your parents want the house back and are selling it, not cool but as a device to get him focused it might be in his interests)

Then ask him to think about his future accommodation and to let you know what arrangements he can make. He will be shocked and scared. Don’t put him under pressure. Tell him you will help him if that’s what he wants. But do set a deadline and do have a backup plan on how to get him out.

You will need to accept that he is probably not going to get his act together to find another place. His excuses will be can’t find anywhere or can’t afford it. You can decide how far you want to go with helping with that. Finding numbers and contacts etc. If he is making some contribution to the household, you could set that money aside on his behalf and then use it to pay his deposit. Don’t give him control of the money.

Three months is more than enough time for him to get his act together. He is adult with a job. He needs to stand on his own two feet at some point. Now is the time. If he has a close friend, enlist his help in getting him to face up to reality. Maybe recommend that he sees a GP if there is an issue of depression or anxiety.

Aussiebean · 11/09/2018 09:29

My dh and I have often said that while the heart is important in a relationship, the head is also.

You need to find your equal and that doesn’t mean class or income. It means attitudes money, children, parenting, conflict resolution, work ethic, difference of opinion, respect. So many things that need to be in sync with each other that no matter how much you love someone (heart), without that equality, the relationship with ultimately fail. That’s where the head comes in.

You two aren’t compatible. That has become clearer as you have grown up. Very common in life.

Just remember, he is an adult, responsible for himself and you can’t worry about him.

Pompom42 · 11/09/2018 09:39

I used to be married to someone that smoked pot and talked about conspiracy theories it was hell on earth. He was also highly strung and could have a row with himself in an empty room.
He had a severe dislike for the government and the council and used to talk about how Guy Fawkes had the right idea blah blah
It was all incredibly draining.
You're still young. I'd get out now. I was 40 before I decided I'd had enough.

Thecrabbypatty · 11/09/2018 09:48

My very dear friend is the same. Drugs and conspiracy theories. I'm glad he's just a friend and his hilarious theories entertain me in short doses, his last gf left him for the same sort of reasons as you OP. He's now looking at niche conspiracy theorist dating sites. Which is perfect. Hopefully he can find a nice girl to knit his and hers tin foil hats and go chem trail hunting together Hmm