No seriously, is it me???

[Crossroad]

Hi all!

(Super long- I'm so sorry!)

I'm trying to decide if I want to stay with my partner of 9 years. We've been together since 6th Form, and I've often felt, over the years, thst we're not right for each other.

Firstly we don't seem to agree on anything of any importance. He's quite a believer in conspiracy theories and so doesn't have his name down on any voting register, which I find ridiculous. He also doesn't believe in vaccinations for children, not because of the 'Autism link' but just because he doesn't believe that what 'The Government', says about them is true.

We have incredibly different backgrounds-mine- middle class loving parents close family. His - dad in prison, mum an alcoholic.

He smokes, which having watched a relative die slowly of cancer, I'm not sure I want in my life. He also smokes cannabis which basically eats most of his money, so he never has any for us to do things together.

On the subject of money I bring in more than him, and I pay out a lot more too, i feel like my money has to go on serious things- Mainly my car (which we share) and I usually buy all of the food too. He does pay half of the rent and bills, but always bemoans how much everything costs.

Finally I just don't feel loved. He doesn't show affection for me, but maintains that he loves me. We have sex roughly once a fortnight.

I feel that, at 26, I'm losing years to settle down and find 'Mr Right' My partner always used to joke about proposing at 10 years together, but I honestly don't think he will. The more I consider it, I'm not sure I want to marry him anyway.

I worry about him in so much as if I leave, he has nothing. Our house is owned by my parents. The car is mine. He would literslly have nowhere to live and he works from home so a stable situation is essential for him, or he'll be adding no job to that list. He's also been depressed for the last year and I feel awful about having these thoughts now.

We also have a dog together, we both love her dearly and I don't want to lose her but fear that I would. When we do conect physically, it's amazing and I feel so close to him, but the other 95% of the time I feel very lonely.

I'm not perfect though. I am incredibly selfish-I fear that I borderon narcissistic. Most of my thinking is about finding someone 'better'. Am I being ridiculous? I know I can trust you all for brutal honesty!

TIA

I could have written this myself. Unfortunately, I stayed and ended up having children with him. I’ve been very unhappy for years, I wish I’d left years ago. If I was you I would leave ASAP.

You get given one life. You're still young. You know what to do. Good luck.x

Sometimes a little space is what's needed crossroad as it can be difficult to see clearly when you are in the middle of it all.

It's normal to have feelings of guilt when we end relationships especially if we are someone who is very sensitive or has some people pleasing attributes.

Anyone making threats of taking their own life to avoid you having the right to make your own choice is acting in a manipulative way. We all have the right to end a relationship which isn't working for whatever reason.

Hope things are a bit more clear today.

Interesting to hear how heavy smokers of weed are often conspiracy theorists too. I have experienced this with someone too...

Rather than sounding like a couple in your 40s as a PP said, I think it sounds like you are young adults who are now growing up and apart which happens all the time.
I expressed it wrong: what I meant was that although they are young adults who've grown apart, OP was acting as if they were a couple in their forties with the kind of burden of responsibility you have at that age, and too old to find someone else and start a family.

Well done for getting on with it, Crossroad - in my experience on the receiving end, the worst parts are it being dragged out, with the one who wants to end it not wanting to make their mind up and not being honest about what's going on - and ladling on the blame without seeing that actually, you don't have to blame anyone at all if you want out.

A crisis like this is going to be unpleasant - but it can also have very positive side effects. Speaking from my own experience, it might lead him to rethink his life, work on his issues (his habit is no doubt also fuelling his depression), or maybe just make some new plans, which can have an energising effect in the long run. Whereas if you just hung around, neither of you would be really happy and you'd both feel stuck.

I've pretty much finalised everything with him. My head says I've made the right decision but my heart wants to believe him when he tells me that he will change. Help? xxx

He will change 95% of his personality? No. Even if that were possible it would be wrong for you to demand it.

You have learned about his values and priorities in life. He has laid it out clearly in recent years. That's not something a person can change.

The change is that you each find a person with matching values and approach to life.

He is shocked that he will have to grow up. He was expecting you to mummy him forever no matter what. The new reality will be very hard for him. He will desperately want to keep his mummy.

He loves me. I know that he honestly does and I've broken his heart. Regardless of the circumstances, I know that's true. It's a hard thing to accept I've done.

Did you do the thing of giving him a list of his "errors"? Is that how he knows what he has to promise to change?

He is an adult. It is a perfectly valid set of life choices for an adult to decide to smoke, take weed, follow conspiracy theories, not save, let someone else buy their food.

It is also perfectly valid for you to decide you don't want to be with the type of man who made all those choices.

He might find a woman who is happy with a man like him. It isn't you.

You have set him free. You are fundamentally not compatible. Keeping him in a bad relationship because he loves you would be an awful thing to do.

Is he love-bombing you now? Or threatening? Lots of messages? Any that are about you not him?

OP, it would be more cruel to stay and not love him or want to be there than it is to leave. It will be hard on him for the next few months but better for you both in the long run.

@Rabbits No, he's been wonderful about it all. We talked and he told me that he loves me and that this isn't what he wants. All of which I know. He's said that he wont message me, and he'll give me the space I need. I just feel awful for breaking his heart.

It would be so much easier to be making this decision if he had done one awful thing- like cheat or something. Instead I feel terrible for springing this on him :/ x

One big awful thing would be worse than several years of lower level awfulness? I know what you mean, I really do, but you know that's not sane, right?

Also, springing this on him

You never mentioned at any time that you were unhappy with his behaviour? He never had any reason to know that you were unhappy? Really?

If he had paid attention to you would he have seen that you have been unhappy for months, maybe years?

In this context it's better to be cruel to be kind. You can't stay with someone out of pity and he won't change, he is who he is.

You've done the right thing, it will get easier, you'll both move on. Some hard times ahead, he needs to get out, but the good times for you, and the relief, are just behind those things.

It is very sad and will hurt more if you have genuinely never raised any issues with him over the build up period to you reaching this point BUT ultimately that doesn't mean it's not the right decision now.

I’ve been in your shoes and it’s so much better just to end it and move on!! I also didn’t want to end mine until he’d sorted himself out (but he was taking so long I just did it anyway). He still tells me life’s crap, hasn’t got a job yet etc but I’m a million times happier. Unfortunately sometimes you have to just do what’s best for you!