No seriously, is it me???

[Crossroad]

Hi all!

(Super long- I'm so sorry!)

I'm trying to decide if I want to stay with my partner of 9 years. We've been together since 6th Form, and I've often felt, over the years, thst we're not right for each other.

Firstly we don't seem to agree on anything of any importance. He's quite a believer in conspiracy theories and so doesn't have his name down on any voting register, which I find ridiculous. He also doesn't believe in vaccinations for children, not because of the 'Autism link' but just because he doesn't believe that what 'The Government', says about them is true.

We have incredibly different backgrounds-mine- middle class loving parents close family. His - dad in prison, mum an alcoholic.

He smokes, which having watched a relative die slowly of cancer, I'm not sure I want in my life. He also smokes cannabis which basically eats most of his money, so he never has any for us to do things together.

On the subject of money I bring in more than him, and I pay out a lot more too, i feel like my money has to go on serious things- Mainly my car (which we share) and I usually buy all of the food too. He does pay half of the rent and bills, but always bemoans how much everything costs.

Finally I just don't feel loved. He doesn't show affection for me, but maintains that he loves me. We have sex roughly once a fortnight.

I feel that, at 26, I'm losing years to settle down and find 'Mr Right' My partner always used to joke about proposing at 10 years together, but I honestly don't think he will. The more I consider it, I'm not sure I want to marry him anyway.

I worry about him in so much as if I leave, he has nothing. Our house is owned by my parents. The car is mine. He would literslly have nowhere to live and he works from home so a stable situation is essential for him, or he'll be adding no job to that list. He's also been depressed for the last year and I feel awful about having these thoughts now.

We also have a dog together, we both love her dearly and I don't want to lose her but fear that I would. When we do conect physically, it's amazing and I feel so close to him, but the other 95% of the time I feel very lonely.

I'm not perfect though. I am incredibly selfish-I fear that I borderon narcissistic. Most of my thinking is about finding someone 'better'. Am I being ridiculous? I know I can trust you all for brutal honesty!

TIA

My first ever LTB. You need to get out before you are well and truly trapped. I was around your age and in a similar position. I spent 2 years trying to leave, but just felt so sorry for him I couldn't. It wasn't healthy, I didn't love him.

You are not being a narcissist or selfish. There may be some who view that it would be dreadful for him if you ended. But this is your life too, you need to have a life and you won't if you continue to be a drudge.

I did leave, the fall out from him and his family was awful - but it was the best possible thing I could have done. I got my life back and started to enjoy my career and my friends - I travelled, it was as if the burden (that wasn't mine) was lifted. You can not stay with someone because you feel sorry them.

The cannabis issue would be the one thing that would be non negotiable for me. It is linked to depression and perhaps that is the main problem here?

Basically it sounds like you are a go getter and he has stagnated. It's difficult for you because you have so much history together but don't let worrying about his future prevent you from fulfilling yours.

Loving him isn’t the same as being in love with him. It’s understandable that after 9 years you’d care deeply about him, but that doesn’t mean he’s the person you want to spend your life with.

I had a similar relationship at a similar age. I was never quite as into him as he was into me, but I stayed with him out of guilt as he had such a shit family life. So much of your post resonates with me.

He actually did me a favour and decided to break things off with me - well actually he was being insecure and manipulative and I think he was just “testing” me. He expected me to be heartbroken and beg him to come back. When I didn’t, he didn’t take it very well. I remember being really surprised by how happy I felt and met my DH a short while later.

I dread to think though, what would of happened had it been left to me to break up with him! My life may have turned out very differently!

You need to let him go. Get on with your own life and don’t look back!

Nothing in your post makes me think you want to (or should) stay. You will likely be miserable be in the long run and I think you know this. It sounds like you're together out of habit.

This was me 8 years ago. I loved him but I felt trapped and didn’t want to live like that anymore. It was hard and I felt like a terrible person but I left. I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I ever made and I’ve done so much with my life since. You will meet someone else, someone who is right for the grown up you. I promise. I thought I’d be single forever and no one would ever love me like he did. I was wrong.

Why has he been depressed; do you think he might also be unhappy?

He's also 26, right? It is totally normal at that age not to have your own house. He wouldn't have nowhere to live - surely he'd get himself a flat or place in a house share? It wouldn't stop him working from home, would it? I work from home and managed to divorce and move out of my house into a flat at age 48 ...

You sound like a couple in your 40s, not a couple of youngsters.

My daughter has a lovely bf she met at 18 and lovely though he is, I really hope they don't stay together, and she gets the chance to try out a few different types and work out what she wants from a relationship. (Him too!)

9 years on average could be about 1/9th of your life.

Time to separate and not waste any more time on this relationship. I feel fairly sure you will meet someone who suits you better.... as will he.

Seems to me that you're with him out of habit.

There's no shame in growing apart and no need to wish away the good bits of your history together. It doesn't really matter if they're your issues as what you are really saying (I think) is you no longer love him for who he is, but who he was and who you want him to be.

Have you spoken to a family member or friend?

I worry about him in so much as if I leave, he has nothing.

1. Not your problem.
2. He would have more if he didnt spend what he has on pot.
3. He is an adult who should be able to figure this out for himself.

I would lock away anything you have of value. Do you have proof of purchase of household items? Then say to him this relationship is no longer working for me. You need to leave by x date.

My BIL is paranoid after many years of drug abuse. Conspiracy issues, won't go to the doctors etc. Has never stood on his own two feet either. Really troubled childhood with a narcissistic mum.

I'd leave. He'll be fine. He has a job and an income, he can rent somewhere. Don't waste anymore time with him and please don't have children with him.

You have about 60 years of life ahead of you (give or take, with a bit of luck) - don't spend them waiting for him to become something he isn't and living like this.

Deal with the pain and (unnecessary) guilt of splitting up now. Make the life you want. Your future self will thank you.

Here's some good news.

I am middle-aged. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. I have noticed that the women with the best marriages had a previous LTR that they broke off in their twenties. All said it was damn hard at the time but they knew the relationship wasn't one they wanted for life. Then they met the right man.

Every single one of my divorcing friends has said they knew it was wrong before they were married but couldn't bring themselves to end it and now bitterly regret their failure to act back then.

OP please please listen to what previous posters have said on here and end the relationship. Of course you will feel sad: 9 years worth of memories and a home together, but you are fundamentally incompatible and it will just get worse the longer you let it run. You deserve so much better, and I suspect that he will be OK.

Him having to find somewhere to live for himself is bloody fantastic. He'll have to grow up, not waste his limited cash on smoking, and get himself a place as a lodger until he gets a flatshare. This will be very very good for him. You'll be doing him a favour long-term. You can become a lodger with just a few days warning. Same day sometimes.

I seriously doubt he will find a place that will take the dog. Besides, on lower income he'll not want to be paying out for dog food and other expenses.

Assuming you do break up with him, be kind, don't do that horrible character assassination thing where you list all the reasons why you are dumping him.

Stick with a nice simple statements like "I don't see a future together" and "I just don't feel happy in this relationship" "We've grown up and grown apart." "It's me, not you" "I hope you find someone who is right for you"

I haven't tagged as many people have said similar things. My biggest worries are his mental health. I know he's been suicidal and this is a huge worry for me.

In relation to the dog, she's not just 'a dog ' I have never wanted children,but she's like my baby. I work long hours as a teacher, my commute alone is 40 mins each way. I often don't get home until late. Doggy day care is not an option as she's a rescue and does not play well with her peers! It works currently as partner works from home and is with her all day.

@mooncup No I meant on average it's once a fortnight not that it is particularly rough!

There's no reason why he won't be able to seek help and support if he needs it is there?

Rather than sounding like a couple in your 40s as a PP said, I think it sounds like you are young adults who are now growing up and apart which happens all the time.

No one has done anything wrong. Sometimes we grow together and sometimes we don't. I think he's stagnated at this point and you've left him behind. You'll both be happier in the long run.

Well he'll have to keep your dog then. You can't stay with him because of a dog!! (And my word are my babies) or move closer to tour work so you don't have a long commute and find a good and kind dog walker.

Word = pets

I do love him though. I just wish he was the amazing version of himself I only see 5% of the time.

You love the persona he allows you to share for 5% of the time

Is this all you believe you're worth?

You can't make anyone be who you want them to be

Accept that 5% is all you'll ever get. And stay

Or walk away

Next question for everyone...how do I carry on living with him whilst I find the courage, and the right time to talk? I've just come In and I can barely look him in the eye:/

There's never a right time. Do it.