Bloody weddings

[upsettraintraveller]

A few days before my step daughter's wedding. My own children and grandchildren invited to evening only. That in itself is fine. They are all adults apart from my grandchildren, with their own lives and don't know each other that well although the only occasion my side of the family had, my step children and partners invited and fully included. For context, my husband and I are hosting the wedding in our garden, covering all associated expenses of
catering, free bar, marquee hire, portable toilet hire and staff to work the day and evening. I've even organised parking in a nearby field and a fleet of minibuses to get people here so we don't upset the neighbours. We do this willingly. Apart from the arrangements, the two mothers have had full control over everything including what catering, dressing the marquee etc etc as I am sensitive to their position and have just been happy to be able to support my DH's daughter in this way. A relative contacted me and said that the bride and groom had made a decision not to have children in the evening so just checking that I was aware so my own grandchildren didn't turn up. I am beyond upset. Clothes have been purchased and my granddaughter face timed us to show off her pretty dress. There was no comment on invitations to say adults only. To be told this with a few days to go and that it's being held in my garden is frankly shitty. It's their day and I respect that but it's still shitty. We all get on well including me and my DH's ex wife and my grandchildren are not tots and are well behaved. Can I please have your perspectives on this please? My husband says they're coming and to leave it to him but the last thing I want is a 'situation'. His view is say nothing and let them turn up. All will be well. I'm not so sure. I know they haven't intentionally hurt me but I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this as I don't want my grandchildren to be upset but equally am trying to be respectful of the bride and grooms wishes.

You said that the grandchildren were invited to the evening only...

Did they actually name the children on the evening invite or did you just assume they're invited?

Sorry, so if they're changing the invitations now that's not really on. I'd go with what was originally invited.

If your children are invited and your grandchildren aren’t then offer to babysit your grandchildren in your own home and job done!

I would leave this to your DH but no way would my grandkids not be coming in your position.

Your house, your garden, your grandchildren are invited by the people paying the bill ie you.

If anyone dares say anything just politely point that out. It is not up to the relative to point that out to you either if the bride and groom have indeed made that decision, they can have the respect of telling you personally.

Who was the relative who told you? I'd ignore it unless you've heard it directly from the bride and groom

You said a relative told you... so not the bride and groom?

If they are on the invite then ring them
Personally and ask. Don’t rely on third hand info

My husband says they're coming and to leave it to him

I agree with him.

I do wonder the intent of this relative. Some people are sh*t stirers.

Sorry but if I was part funding such huge expense at my own home then I would expect them to reciprocate their earlier invitations to YOUR family celebrations.

If the wedding is at your home I don't really see how they can stop your Dgc from being there.

CF behaviour at its best worse! 😡

they can't invite the children then uninvite them so I'd ignore.

How can your own grandchildren not come to the wedding when it is at your house, and they are staying with you for the weekend.

Aren't they???

If it’s true then that’s beyond rude. But why is this being told to you third hand via a relative and not direct from the bride and groom? I would wonder if this relative is trying to cause trouble and whether the couple even know about it. Personally I’d either ignore completely, after all you haven’t been told by the bride and groom. Or tell this relative that the couple need to talk to you themselves if they want to discuss any changes to the evening invite list. But it’s too late to arrange childcare, the kids are excited, you’re hosting the event... if you do discuss it with your DSD I’d say it’s non-negotiable that the GC attend.

A relative contacted me and said that the bride and groom had made a decision not to have children in the evening

I wouldn't rule out that the bride and groom have cut all other children from the evening and that the relative is stirring the pot a little.

Definitely get DH to clarify and ensure that your grandchildren will be welcomed because they are definitely attending your home that evening no matter what.

To say at the offset children aren't welcome is one thing, to rescind an invitation to a child mere days before is callous and I wouldn't be pulling my verbal punches if someone did this to my daughters.

The relative was asked to mention it as the bride and groom didn't want to raise it with us directly apparently. I don't think they are stirring as they thought the kids were there during the day and therefore were already a part of it. But they're not.

I don't know what the invite said and whether or not it expressly said the children. However, my daughter wouldn't even have questioned whether the kids could come or not given that it's in our garden.

I think what I can gather is that some evening invite friends asked to bring their children and were told no as they were not close friends so now no children are coming in the evening so as not to upset the those that asked.

It's their day.

Kids or no kids, it is THEIR day. It's not about you or your grandkids. Stop having an absolute flap over a day that'll be forgotten about soon.

It's people like you that make planning a wedding fucking impossible. Everyone is unhappy with something.

I fucking hate weddings. I'm also biased as I'm planning my own wedding right now and have shit like this to deal with as nobody seems to remember it's a day to celebrate 2 people, not a fucking tribe.

It's their wedding, just because you've chosen to host doesn't mean you get to say who comes. Why would you want children at an evening do anyways?

@Dreamingofkfc Do you think the OP can't have her own grandchildren to her house?

Thanks for your perspective Storm. I can't agree with you sadly, in relation to my own situation. There are a few days to go to find this out and I resent your accusation that it's people like me that make weddings a nightmare. There are children's feelings at stake here for no good reason other than a last minute blanket ban to assuage the feelings of a few distant friends it seems.

Sorry you are so stressed about your own day but I'm confident that I've been nothing but generous of spirit and accommodating.

As suggested leave this for your DH to sort out
You are both obviously not making wedding planning impossible as you are funding the whole reception

It might be THEIR wedding but it’s the OPs bloody house...

I think that seeing as it’s in your garden then you have rather more say than some. And presumably without you being involved in the wedding there would be nowhere to hold the reception so I can’t really see how you are making it a nightmare.

Why hasn’t the bride told you herself?

If OP wanted to pick and choose who came and who didn't, she shouldn't have offered to host the reception in her garden.

I also think the soon-to-be married couple are stupid for initially saying yes to kids then taking the invitation away, however, it maybe dawned on them how shite it would be having a bunch of kids running around when you're trying to have a wedding reception.

As I said, it's THEIR day and from the sounds of it they haven't done it through malice, but through realising there's no way to please everyone. Don't make it about you, find a way to cheer the kids up with promise of something else and let them spend the night with their parents.

Leave it to your DH. Honestly, please don't stress about it.

He will sort it and you enjoy your day.

If OP wanted to pick and choose who came and who didn't, she shouldn't have offered to host the reception in her garden.

Another sweeping statement. I've not contributed nor wanted to influence who was invited. If I had, I would already have made an issue of my children only being invited to the evening and not the day.