Bloody weddings

[upsettraintraveller]

A few days before my step daughter's wedding. My own children and grandchildren invited to evening only. That in itself is fine. They are all adults apart from my grandchildren, with their own lives and don't know each other that well although the only occasion my side of the family had, my step children and partners invited and fully included. For context, my husband and I are hosting the wedding in our garden, covering all associated expenses of
catering, free bar, marquee hire, portable toilet hire and staff to work the day and evening. I've even organised parking in a nearby field and a fleet of minibuses to get people here so we don't upset the neighbours. We do this willingly. Apart from the arrangements, the two mothers have had full control over everything including what catering, dressing the marquee etc etc as I am sensitive to their position and have just been happy to be able to support my DH's daughter in this way. A relative contacted me and said that the bride and groom had made a decision not to have children in the evening so just checking that I was aware so my own grandchildren didn't turn up. I am beyond upset. Clothes have been purchased and my granddaughter face timed us to show off her pretty dress. There was no comment on invitations to say adults only. To be told this with a few days to go and that it's being held in my garden is frankly shitty. It's their day and I respect that but it's still shitty. We all get on well including me and my DH's ex wife and my grandchildren are not tots and are well behaved. Can I please have your perspectives on this please? My husband says they're coming and to leave it to him but the last thing I want is a 'situation'. His view is say nothing and let them turn up. All will be well. I'm not so sure. I know they haven't intentionally hurt me but I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this as I don't want my grandchildren to be upset but equally am trying to be respectful of the bride and grooms wishes.

It's in your kids' home. Of course they will be there. Let DH deal with it.

OP, you and your family seem unable to communicate.

First you say they were invited to the evening only, then you say you actually haven't seen the invite so you just assumed (never a good idea).

Then you say you haven't even heard this from the bride or groom but from some other relative and haven't actually been in touch with the bride or groom to find out the actual facts.

I'd have spoken to them to find out precisely what's going on before coming on here.

If it was me in this situation, I would have my DH quietly speak to the bride and groom to sort it out. Politely and reasonably.

Plan B would be to ignore what the person said and just bring the kids on the day.

It's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask permission.

I wonder if this is one of those cases where only the parents names were on the invitation and parents assumed it was for the family.

Snuggy If you'd read the thread, you'd know the answer to your own question!

I think I do but I think the OP might be in denial.

I think wherever the wedding is held it's still up to the bride and groom to invite who they wish. I think it would be rude to uninvite people so if the grandchildren were never invited the OP is unreasonable but if they were explicitly invited and now uninvited then the bride and groom are unreasonable.

I wonder if this is one of those cases where only the parents names were on the invitation and parents assumed it was for the family. ... and the parents are paying for it and it's in their garden.

If they wanted the grandchildren to come to the wedding they should have still read the invitation and talked to the bride and groom about it. You can't just assume they're invited and bring them.

If bride & groom want complete control of the guest list then they should pay for it & not host it in OPs garden. So bloody rude of them.

Storm you are the worst kind of bride. No feelings for anyone but yourself.

My parents paid for my wedding. They invited who they wanted. How disrespectful of me to lay the law down in that situation.

It’s not in the parents garden though is it? It’s in the step mother’s garden (op states it her house, not her husbands). Thankfully the OP’s husband has had the sense to say leave it to him and he’ll sort it because the bride has a bloody cheek and would be looking for another venue last minute if she pulled this stunt on me.

@mum11970 If indeed the bride has pulled this stunt. We don't actually know if she did! Because no one has actually spoken to her, they've just assumed the invite included the grandkids, they've just assumed what this other relative has said is accurate. For all we know, the bride may have said something to the relative to shut them up and others moaning but have no intention of "banning" the grandkids!

Stop having an absolute flap over a day that'll be forgotten about soon

My mother managed to maintain a grudge for over 40 years that my aunt brought her DCs to her wedding.

It's people like you that make planning a wedding fucking impossible. Geez - what an attitude. People like the OP giving up her garden (and all the work involved with preparation and clearing up) being fucking impossible

it's a day to celebrate 2 people, not a fucking tribe. I always thought weddings were about families - bringing people together to witness a commitment. Where did this idea of King and Queen for the day start? Was it the Beckhams?

You always have to check whether children are welcome to a wedding. Sometimes there is no children but usually close family's children are invited. I think there is fault on both sides for not making it clear and for assuming. I'd let your husband sort this out and stay out of it. I've been to a few weddings where I couldn't bring my children but immediate family's children were. I totally understood as lots if guests had children and there wasn't the space or budget for them all.

@Olly I always thought weddings were about families - bringing people together to witness a commitment

No, a wedding is about two people making a commitment. Or are weddings where two people elope invalid because family weren't invited? What about people that don't have any family and only invite friends?

Half of all wedding threads are about a family member being unreasonable or not. Seems to me that weddings without families seem to be the better option!

It's never a good idea to take for granted that someone whose name isn't on an invitation is invited

Don’t just let the grandchildren turn up. And please don’t get your husband to have a go. Just be the most polite hosts possible and let them have their wedding as they wish. If they were aware that using your property came with demands they wouldn’t have accepted surely?

Take your grandchildren out for a cream tea or a meal out where they can wear their new clothes. Just explain a mistake was made and it’s a party for grown ups. They’ll live!

Please don’t make a fuss and cause upset to the two people getting married. On that one day in their lifetime their feelings trump yours.

Your house of course your grandkids should come. Ignore all the other posters saying a venue doesn't come with conditions. A family home does. It's completely different. You sounds wonderful and hugely accommodating.

I'm thanking you all for your inputs and different perspectives.

For what it's worth, I'm not the only step parent at the wedding. The other step parent, grooms step father, has their close family and friends attending the entire event. I really can't see how I'm being unreasonable and most of you concur with that. I have no family or friends at the main event as I didn't expect it given my step parent status even though the venue is my home.

Last minute preparations are underway for the big day tomorrow and both bride and groom have said they wouldn't have hurt me or the children for the world and the only sour face in the room was the mother of the groom so frankly, I don't care what the dynamic is, no one is any the wiser on my side and my DH and I will concentrate on making our home welcoming for the guests tomorrow to give his daughter and son in law a beautiful wedding. Which is all we've been focussed on until a few days ago when this cropped up.

I'm bowing out now and again, thank you.

I'm lost.

Ahhh, so was it the grooms DM who called you?

Have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Oh was it mother of the groom?

Seriously, another relative told you this?

Until it comes from the bride and groom, ignore it.

Hearsay and gossip (which is what this is) is not worth disappointing children over. Let your granddaughter wear her pretty dress.

You are providing the venue, a marquee, catering and a FREE bar so too right your grandchildren should be there. I wouldn't even be giving it a seconds thought, they would be there

Have a lovely day OP.