Bloody weddings

[upsettraintraveller]

A few days before my step daughter's wedding. My own children and grandchildren invited to evening only. That in itself is fine. They are all adults apart from my grandchildren, with their own lives and don't know each other that well although the only occasion my side of the family had, my step children and partners invited and fully included. For context, my husband and I are hosting the wedding in our garden, covering all associated expenses of
catering, free bar, marquee hire, portable toilet hire and staff to work the day and evening. I've even organised parking in a nearby field and a fleet of minibuses to get people here so we don't upset the neighbours. We do this willingly. Apart from the arrangements, the two mothers have had full control over everything including what catering, dressing the marquee etc etc as I am sensitive to their position and have just been happy to be able to support my DH's daughter in this way. A relative contacted me and said that the bride and groom had made a decision not to have children in the evening so just checking that I was aware so my own grandchildren didn't turn up. I am beyond upset. Clothes have been purchased and my granddaughter face timed us to show off her pretty dress. There was no comment on invitations to say adults only. To be told this with a few days to go and that it's being held in my garden is frankly shitty. It's their day and I respect that but it's still shitty. We all get on well including me and my DH's ex wife and my grandchildren are not tots and are well behaved. Can I please have your perspectives on this please? My husband says they're coming and to leave it to him but the last thing I want is a 'situation'. His view is say nothing and let them turn up. All will be well. I'm not so sure. I know they haven't intentionally hurt me but I'm at a loss as to how to deal with this as I don't want my grandchildren to be upset but equally am trying to be respectful of the bride and grooms wishes.

It's enormously rude of them to change the rules at the last minute, and it's enormously passive aggressive of them to ask another relative to tell you because they're too afraid to do it themselves.

If they had come to you months ago and said, "We'd really like for this event to be adults only; I hope you'll be okay with that," I'm sure (I hope!) that you'd have understood and not invited your grandchildren, garden or no.

They would be reasonable to ask that of you. If you said no, I would argue as some above that you are being controlling and difficult.

They are not reasonable, however, to do as they've done. It's cowardly, ungrateful,* and, again rude.

I agree entirely with letting your husband sort it.

(*I don't think the marrying couple should be prostrate with gratitude, but it's ungrateful to not return the gift of the garden with the gift of acting like bloody adults who can pick up their phone to call their dad/FIL, at the very least.)

I also think the soon-to-be married couple are stupid for initially saying yes to kids then taking the invitation away, however, it maybe dawned on them how shite it would be having a bunch of kids running around when you're trying to have a wedding reception.

I had loads of children running around at my wedding reception. Everyone had a great time.

Yanbu op, the thing that would annoy me most about all of this is they are happy to take your money, happy to take over your house but don't have the good grace to at least tell you themselves but go through relatives, rude bastards!!

There is no possible way you are being U here. "Its their day" doesn't apply when it's a few days before the wedding and they are too chicken to say something. Where are the parents meant to get babysitters when the family adults are at the wedding at the kids' grandma's house?!

If this were a wedding that they’d mostly funded and was being held somewhere like a hotel I’d say you’d have not a leg to stand on but you’re paying for the whole bloody reception hosted in your own garden.

You’d think they’d be gracious enough to allow your grandchildren to attend.

My parents paid for my sisters wedding and while they didn’t interfere in the planning at all they made sure they had a small number of invitations (both all day and evening) earmarked for their close friends.

I love children at a wedding, I think they make it a better day.

I think this is very rude and ungrateful of them. I don't agree that having family children at a wedding or a reception is the same as having distant friends' children there, in addition, to rescind an invitation is very rude.

Since you and your husband are funding this and it’s being held in your garden you should have been ‘allowed’ to invite a few people of your own choice. I had people at my wedding that I didn’t know as we gave my in laws , my parents and my step parents carte blanch to invite who they wanted since they all funded it.
Would it really have made such a huge difference to invite your children and grandchildren to the whole bloody thing? Wouldn’t it have been a nice inclusive gesture since it wasn’t costing the bride and groom a goddamn penny.

Do what your husband says - leave it to him to sort out.
I’m really hoping that he tells his daughter that since your grandchildren are family they will be attending the night time do .

But , whatever happens remember - it’s one day. One day to get through. And it’s really really not worth having a long term family fraud over. Your husband and yourself sound like a strong unit so stick together and support each other.

But , for what it’s worth, in no way whatsoever are you being unreasonable. The bride and groom are being unspeakably, doubly rude by 1) rescinding the invite with mere days to go and 2) being such cowardly shits for not telling you themselves ( and of course the reason they are not telling you them selves is because they KNOW they are in the wrong).
Good luck!

It's people like you that make planning a wedding fucking impossible. Everyone is unhappy with something.

It's people like you that make planning a wedding fucking possible by providing a free venue. Ftfy

You're disgustingly rude to the op by the way, and very obviously the worst kind of bridezilla.

Your self projecting StormcloakNord

No need to be rude to the OP. Firstly the grandchildren were invited to the evening and the bride and groom didn't have the decency to say to the people who are hosting and paying for their day that the grandchildren are now not invited.

You sound like a bridezilla, if you believe it's all about the 2 people getting married-elope.

You're

Were the children invited on the invitations or was it just assumed that they were invited?

The bride and groom did not want to discuss it with you . Mmmm.
One wonders why ?

Let your grandchildren still come .
Let your husband deal with it as he has already said . Your husband can talk to the bride and groom and tell them this is what is happening.
It is both of you that are allowing the event on your property.

Snuggy, I don't know what the invitation said as Ive not told my daughter about this but I think given the invitation to my children is for an event in their family home - the house is mine and not DH's - they had every right to assume it was a family invitation.

I would get your dh to speak to the bride and groom directly, maybe the couple could say your grandchildren are attending as its their grandmothers property that the wedding is taking place at so it would be unreasonable to say they have no place attending and it would also act as a thankyou for use of your property.

StormcloakNord Mon 10-Sep-18 15:55:27: It's their day. Kids or no kids, it is THEIR day. It's not about you or your grandkids. Stop having an absolute flap over a day that'll be forgotten about soon. It's people like you that make planning a wedding fucking impossible. Everyone is unhappy with something.

Well maybe the bride and groom would like to find another venue for THEIR day then - and pay for it.

It is totally BU to dictate last minute changes to family members who they are allowed to have in their own home

I've read a lot of wedding threads on here, and this one is right up there. Who do the bride and groom think will be able to look after the grandchildren when their parents and grandmother are at the reception at the grandmother's house?

I don't think anyone should assume that someone who isn't on the invitation would be invited to a wedding. We've been invited to plenty of weddings with and without our dc. It's always been incredibly clear if they were invited. Either there names were on the invitation or they weren't. The only time it wasn't entirely clear was for one family member who invited them (name on invite) but then invitation said it was adults only. We got in touch to clarify and they reassured us that dc of close family were invited, but not friends, hence why our dc's names were on the invite. I would never assume if it wasn't obvious (or if it wasn't, I'd get in touch and ask). It's nice that you're offering up your home, but it's still the bride and groom's day and they can invite who they wish. My dh and I weren't invited to the wedding of his 'stepbrother' (his mum's husband's son, though we don't call him a 'stepbrother'). We only see each other about once a year at Christmas. It was their day. We didn't invite them to our wedding either. Actually, hadn't even occurred to me until now that we might have.

I'm another one who thinks you need to check out the facts.
Were the children's names on the invite? If the invitation said to Mr & Mrs X I would not assume that children were invited.

Secondly your DH really needs to talk to his daughter. Perhaps it is only 'family' children invited.

If its true that they have changed their mind at the last minute there is definitely something else going on. I have never heard of a bride and groom rescinding an invitation.

It’s worth checking what the invite said... but either way I think they are being VU - they could easily say to friends with kids we’re only having close family kids and they are the grandchildren of the host who is providing venue and reception.

I feel like people can be so ungrateful and selfish when it comes to weddings, I don’t understand it

THEIR DAY syndrome is the worst.

When you are holding an event at someine's residence, you simply cannot ban the houseguests of that residence.

OP: leave it to your DH to sort this out (but be v clear about desired outcome)

Wow storm bridezilla much?!! I feel sorry for your husband when you don’t get what you want.

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. No one can dictate to you who you have in your home/on your property.

We had children at our wedding, and yes, like others have said, they made it and some of our best photographs are of the children. I have been to weddings where children have been banned and it’s definitely a much different dynamic - less friendly and less inviting (sounds like storm really).

@upsettraintraveler you are married it might have your house once but it is yours and DH ho6se now . Unless you made prenuptial and had will .
Of famliy should come to wedding. If they did not want your famliy to come to the wedding thry shoild not have had at your house .
@StormcloakNord it maybe your wedding but you are hosting a event that means making the guests happy . If don't want to make guest happy how on earth how are make you husband happy.

YANBU. Your DH needs to step in here and tell his daughter to stop being so bloody ungrateful. I generally agree that it's up to the bride and groom to invite who they want. However, in this case when you have done so much to help, I think they are being extremely rude in excluding your grandchildren from your own own house.

As for getting another relative to tell you, that's just pathetic. I'd be getting another relative to pass on the message that they need to find a new wedding venue!

storm seriously, I think you are having a bit of a stress moment, I hope your wedding goes well and you're able to relax and enjoy it.

OP I think your DH should contact his DD and say that you've had this phone call, see what she says and if they do say no to GD make is absolutely clear that there is no way the GD will be excluded, she has the dress, she's looking forward to it and its your house. If they want it any other way they can find a new venue.