I love my Mum but I can’t carry on caring for her

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Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice or tell me if my feelings are justified (or if you disagree with how I’m feeling please tell me).

My mum has forever been my rock. She’s always provided me with support, love, and an amazing home. However, 4 years ago just after I turned 21, my dad left our family home. Of course she was devastated and it disrupted our whole family life. 4 years on, the divorce is finalised, my mum is in a new home, and I’ve finally graduated from a long degree at university.

Understandably, my mum still has really sad days because of the divorce and her ‘new life’ (we have just moved into a lovely family home - but it’s very different to our old life). I have moved home with my mum, and I am hoping to get a graduate job and move out within the next couple of months.

Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel really guilty about this. My two siblings have spent the time since the seperation travelling and living elsewhere. Part of me really admired them for being able to separate themselves from our family situation. Because they aren’t around like I am, my mum relies on my care an awful lot. She gets upset if I spend an evening with friends, she voices her (negative) opinion about me moving out, and I find in general I spend most of my days looking after her.

She finds everyday tasks laborious, and when she goes to work, she expects me to do a lot of her general life admin because she struggles with it. Of course I have no issue with doing these things, I will always help her out. However, I find I put my job applications, social life (including my boyfriend) and general happiness to the bottom of my to do list. If she is upset or a bit grumpy, I take the whole day to cheer her up. I feel awful saying these things, but I feel like my own health and happiness comes last in my life. I have found that I have lost friends because I put off seeing them to make sure I am available for my mum. I struggle for money because I sort out her bills and food shopping to ensure she doesn’t have to stress about that. I do all of her cooking, cleaning and washing (which when I live at home I think is fair).

I want to have my relationship with her, but I currently feel like my job and purpose in life is to look after her. I think this is my own fault as I am too soft (maybe if I just said no like my siblings then I wouldn’t have this problem). But I don’t know who else she could rely on. It would upset her so much if I made the decisions to live how I want to.

Am I being unfair?

Your mother is being incredibly selfish! You really do need to move out as soon as you can and stop discussing plans/intentions and just do it.

Your mother has become too reliant on you and it’s not healthy.

It’s not your job to make her happy that’s for her to sort out.

I think you've gone above and beyond. It's time for your mum to start taking care of herself, it's not your job. You need to move on with your own life, life's too short

As a mum let me tell you she's being completely out of order!! She needs to sort her life out. I advise you get a job and move out asap and try and make it a fair distance away. Your mum has got plenty of time to sort her admin and her house yourself. She needs to find her own friends and social life and not rely on you.

My best friend has always been used and abused by her mum like this. She's nearly 50 and lives in the same house as her mum and struggles to even spend an evening away from her. She's in her 90s now but has been very independent until 2 years ago. Very unfair.

I think your mum is being very selfish.

She's reliant on you way too much and you are enabling it. Sit down and show her what to do with her general life admin and say you will there to support her but that she need to start doing things for her and you need to start having a life of your own.

She will hate it and for a little while probably dislike you for it for a little while but she need to gain some independence and start living a life again and find things that make her happy.

Your mum loves you but she has lost sight of the fact that it is your life. You need to fix this now while she is still relatively young and can build new friendship groups.
I suggest you start gradually, book a weekend away with your bf. Then start going out more often, withdraw gradually. Remind her to do her own admin. If she has a job, she is perfectly capable of paying her bills and sorting her own insurance. She will learn to rely on herself.

Set a date in your head for leaving, perhaps in the new year, and stick to it.
Good luck.

I thought you were going to describe caring for an elderly mum with dementia. Your story is worse because your mum is choosing to treat you like this.

How old is she? You pay all the bills and do all the cooking, food shopping, cleaning and washing? She she always struggle to do these things, or is it just since the divorce?

Your mum needs to let you carve out a life for yourself, take back the reins in her own household, and see her GP for her mental health.

She's working so she's not completely incapable, is she? Maybe her DH did all the admin so she needs to learn to do it for herself. Is she depressed - maybe she should see her gp? Encourage her to get out and about, there's so much for people to do, hobbies, interests, travelling...

I too thought you were going to say your mum had Alzheimer’s or was elderly and frail and in that case I would have told you to live your life.
However, as she is neither elderly or has Alzheimer’s, you definitely need to live your life. She is being incredibly selfish. I realise she is down about the divorce, but she needs to start living her life and stop curtailing yours.
Move on like your siblings OP. You only get 1 life!!

Oh my god I could have written this ten years ago...! Exactly the same story, word for word!!

When I met my dh my mum was dreadful towards him, really awful, actually storming in to my room where he was (we were still living together at this point) and telling him he had “stolen her best friend” (me) etc etc. And so it went on. In the end I just couldn’t live with her anymore so we remortgaged (as we owned half each) and she took her half and now lives in her own little house.

I still have- nearly 8 years on from that- incredible guilt. She is on her own, in ill health now, and struggling. And I am an only child. So everything is down to me. As she gets older and older and less capable I can’t see any other option than me caring for her but I refuse to move her in again and go back to what we had before. I was treated like a child (silly things like she would turn off the WiFi when she went to bed because she was trying to control how late I stayed up! - I’d just turn it on again)!

It’s awful, awful having a parent like this. I really hope my own dc don’t ever feel this obligated. My dh can’t stand my mum so I see her on my own with the kids and he really hates it when I do things for her, he feels she doesn’t appreciate it and is always manipulating me and he’s probably right.

The only thing you can do is move out as soon as you can and don’t look back, you are not responsible for her happiness. I only see my mum once or twice a week now and I have to keep my distance emotionally.

My mum was like this after my dad died but I am in my 40s so she is quite elderly so, while, mentally, she is far better, the consequences of her not looking after herself properly during that period have caught up with her and now she has physical health problems which require my care. Like you, my sister is not as hands on and a lot of the stress falls on me, which is hard to juggle between work and family and don't even go there with my social life!

Firstly, I would say this is not your mum's fault and, while others on here are saying she is being selfish, divorce is a very traumatic event. It sounds very much like she is suffering from some kind of depression triggered by the 'bereavement' of her divorce. I don't think 4 yrs is that long to get over the many years they were together and now she has to re-plan her future without your dad and that probably looks very bleak to her.

So, somehow, you need to get your mum to the doctor as I think the help she requires is beyond your remit. That said, I think it's totally unfair that you are shouldering the burden alone while your siblings are merrily getting on with their lives. I would enlist their support, detailing how bad things have got and that you can't manage on your own.

Does your mum have any close friends? Would you be able to confide in them and help build up her support network on her behalf?

Thanks for all your responses.

She’s recently turned 50, so I know I will be able to establish a good relationship with her again if this rocks things a little bit.

I think your replies have made me realise how bad this is. When I look back at how my early twenties have been, I have massive regrets about not doing things that make me happy. I am aware this needs to change. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and I know that he feels the pressures of it too. We want our own life before settling down, and I want to be able to have this, not just for our sake as a couple but for myself as an individual.

I really appreciate all of your comments.

So there’s nothing medically wrong with her? She’s just a lazy bitch! Move out. Move out.

50???! I thought you were going to say 80! OMG! She is only 5 years older than me and I would be absolutely mortified if I thought I had put on my kids even just slightly. I am really careful not to say anything to make them think they need to take care of me. I couldn't bare the guilt of them putting their life on hold or not living their own life to the fullest because they were caretaking me. I didn't bring them up to be independent, to then have me being dependent on them. If your mother is not taking care of you in this way (whatever the reason), you need to take a step back and look after yourself. She is responsible for making her own life, and you are responsible for yours. You are not responsible for carrying a woman who is in the prime of her life!

Your other siblings, who are travelling and living elsewhere, are doing exactly what is normal. A healthy 50-year old does not need a child minder.

You saying you have put so many things on hold is something I have done. I didn’t go to university or travelling or any of the “usual” things people did because my mum made me feel she wouldn’t cope without me! Looking back I realise how awful that was but in the middle of it all I really felt I would ruin her life!!

Don’t put your life off anymore. Live it!!

Your mum is young enough to get out there and start to build her own life, otherwise all this will just get worse and worse!

Jeez, she's only 50? I thought you were going to say she was elderly!!

Look, I'm only 16 months younger than your Mum. I have a 21 year old and a 20 year old, and they do nothing for me (that sounds awful, but I hope you know what I mean). They are away at Uni. We are in regular contact of course, but it's very much in a Mum:Child context. I support them financially. When they come home, I treat them to breakfast in bed or meals out or do all of their washing. I help them every year to move into their new flats, and I am Guarantor for same. They wouldn't have a clue about my finances or my bills etc, as I am the parent and it's nothing to do with them.

The dynamic between you has shifted dramatically. I don't know how, but you need to get it back t being Mother:Child (the right way round). I think in your shoes, I'd sit her down, and tell her exactly how you feel. Hopefully it will jolt her to her senses. You are only 25, and should be out and about having adventures.

At 50, she should be in her prime. She really needs to snap out of it.

Can I just say as well that when and if you do have children be careful with them around your mum as she will try and manipulate them if she’s anything like my mum.

My eldest child is now 15 and looking towards university and my mum told her the other day how sad she would be if she moved away (and this wasn’t just a “aw I’ll miss you” type thing, this was full on my life is over blah blah etc!) I stepped right in and told her not to be so daft and then on the way home told dd that she needs to pay no attention to my mum and live her life the way anyone else would!!

Some people are just so controlling.

She does have a few close friends. She shut many of them out after the divorce, and I do find a lot of my time is spent almost coaching her? I find I have to big her up and make her feel better, I think this is why I feel obliged to help her out with many aspects of her life. But in supporting her and trying to improve her mental health and self esteem, I do think it has a negative effect on my own.

This is something that I could discuss with my auntie, but my mum does get very paranoid (she will accuse me and my brother of talking about her behind her back, something which we only do when we are worried about her mental state).

I don’t think she is being selfish at all. It has been a very difficult time for her and I can’t imagine it will get any easier. I think as a young adult i have felt comfort myself from helping her out after the divorce and I guess it was nice to feel needed? But I think I need to try to be a little more selfish now

No need to call the op's mother a "lazy bitch" thelionsden.

Op - you described your mother previously as your rock, providing you with love and support and an amazing home. That, plus the fact you say she finds everyday tasks "laborious" may indicate she is suffering from some form of depression or anxiety? Has she had that investigated? Does she need medical treatment?

Having said all of that, she is only 50 yrs old and far too young to be dependent on you. You are doing too much for her. You need to withdraw gradually and live your own life.

This isn't healthy for you or her. She will survive without you being available on demand.
Live your own life. Stop parenting your Mum.

She will never stand on her own two feet unless you force her to.

I do think this is something that I have wrong with my personality also. I think even when she is not directly asking me for help, I feel almost trapped into helping her anyway. I want to make her happy, I want her to have an easier life. I think my mind set in doing all of this for her is just wrong. Sometimes I think ‘well doesn’t everyone look after parents like this?’

OP, you are only young once and even though you sound like an absolutely lovely daughter you are doing yourself ( & your mum) no favors in the long run. She needs to step up and take responsibility for herself & you need to focus on your own life. She is very young so like you said you have plenty of time to work on your relationship if it goes a bit wobbly. Move some distance away so you won’t feel tempted to drop in to check on her all the time. Tell your siblings how you feel and get them to do their bit aswell. You deserve a good life so go out and live it

I also don’t want to come across as an adventure seeking millennial haha - I just want a simple life where I have my own happiness at the top of my list for a change!

50!

There are plenty of people with primary school children in their 50s! They are the same age as your Mum and organising their children's lives, doing all the cooking/cleaning/laundry, keeping on top of the finances etc. with no problem at all. Even the divorced ones.

You MUST put your job applications first. This is your life, you only get the one, and getting a job and financial independent is the first step to actually living that life.