Hi,
I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice or tell me if my feelings are justified (or if you disagree with how I’m feeling please tell me).
My mum has forever been my rock. She’s always provided me with support, love, and an amazing home. However, 4 years ago just after I turned 21, my dad left our family home. Of course she was devastated and it disrupted our whole family life. 4 years on, the divorce is finalised, my mum is in a new home, and I’ve finally graduated from a long degree at university.
Understandably, my mum still has really sad days because of the divorce and her ‘new life’ (we have just moved into a lovely family home - but it’s very different to our old life). I have moved home with my mum, and I am hoping to get a graduate job and move out within the next couple of months.
Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel really guilty about this. My two siblings have spent the time since the seperation travelling and living elsewhere. Part of me really admired them for being able to separate themselves from our family situation. Because they aren’t around like I am, my mum relies on my care an awful lot. She gets upset if I spend an evening with friends, she voices her (negative) opinion about me moving out, and I find in general I spend most of my days looking after her.
She finds everyday tasks laborious, and when she goes to work, she expects me to do a lot of her general life admin because she struggles with it. Of course I have no issue with doing these things, I will always help her out. However, I find I put my job applications, social life (including my boyfriend) and general happiness to the bottom of my to do list. If she is upset or a bit grumpy, I take the whole day to cheer her up. I feel awful saying these things, but I feel like my own health and happiness comes last in my life. I have found that I have lost friends because I put off seeing them to make sure I am available for my mum. I struggle for money because I sort out her bills and food shopping to ensure she doesn’t have to stress about that. I do all of her cooking, cleaning and washing (which when I live at home I think is fair).
I want to have my relationship with her, but I currently feel like my job and purpose in life is to look after her. I think this is my own fault as I am too soft (maybe if I just said no like my siblings then I wouldn’t have this problem). But I don’t know who else she could rely on. It would upset her so much if I made the decisions to live how I want to.
Am I being unfair?