I love my Mum but I can’t carry on caring for her

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Hi,

I’m wondering if anyone could give me some advice or tell me if my feelings are justified (or if you disagree with how I’m feeling please tell me).

My mum has forever been my rock. She’s always provided me with support, love, and an amazing home. However, 4 years ago just after I turned 21, my dad left our family home. Of course she was devastated and it disrupted our whole family life. 4 years on, the divorce is finalised, my mum is in a new home, and I’ve finally graduated from a long degree at university.

Understandably, my mum still has really sad days because of the divorce and her ‘new life’ (we have just moved into a lovely family home - but it’s very different to our old life). I have moved home with my mum, and I am hoping to get a graduate job and move out within the next couple of months.

Unfortunately, I can’t help but feel really guilty about this. My two siblings have spent the time since the seperation travelling and living elsewhere. Part of me really admired them for being able to separate themselves from our family situation. Because they aren’t around like I am, my mum relies on my care an awful lot. She gets upset if I spend an evening with friends, she voices her (negative) opinion about me moving out, and I find in general I spend most of my days looking after her.

She finds everyday tasks laborious, and when she goes to work, she expects me to do a lot of her general life admin because she struggles with it. Of course I have no issue with doing these things, I will always help her out. However, I find I put my job applications, social life (including my boyfriend) and general happiness to the bottom of my to do list. If she is upset or a bit grumpy, I take the whole day to cheer her up. I feel awful saying these things, but I feel like my own health and happiness comes last in my life. I have found that I have lost friends because I put off seeing them to make sure I am available for my mum. I struggle for money because I sort out her bills and food shopping to ensure she doesn’t have to stress about that. I do all of her cooking, cleaning and washing (which when I live at home I think is fair).

I want to have my relationship with her, but I currently feel like my job and purpose in life is to look after her. I think this is my own fault as I am too soft (maybe if I just said no like my siblings then I wouldn’t have this problem). But I don’t know who else she could rely on. It would upset her so much if I made the decisions to live how I want to.

Am I being unfair?

Op I think you are going to have to prepare yourself for the fact that you will upset your my when you tackle this. And that's ok. She will probably find the change anxiety provoking and uncomfortable and she may well protest or plead even greater helplessness. And that's ok too because chsnge, in the long run, will be good for your mum as well as yourself.

Agree with pp who suggest that you seek the support of a licensed psychologist to help you through this (if funds allow). Your mum should seek help from the gp too.

When she needs to stand on her own two feet she manages fine. She can do these things, she just seems to want me there as a comfort blanket way too much. She is always negative and the glass is always half empty. I try to turn things she says into a positive, but I’m exhausting myself

Has she sought help for depression op?

She has in the past when she was first separated.

When my mum got divorced at 50 she did the opposite to your mum - she in fact had a great time!! Several bad boy younger boyfriends, going out having fun, oh dear I even remember she had to have a pregnancy test!

Divorce does change people but after 4 years your mum should be moving on with her life & definitely not relying on you!
She sounds a bit lazy to me!

If I was you I'd make her want you to move out- if you come home drunk & noisy at 2am a few times, bring your man home & make a mess everywhere she'll soon stop wanting you around....

I lived with my dad after his divorce & he couldn't wait for me to move out.
I thought I was keeping him company but he hated what he called my mess, my spicy food, my late nights & lie ins... I did have to leave & we get on much better now.

Once you move out & have a normal relationship it will be a lot better.

Tough love needed OP. Move out for starters. You need to get someone onside with you and confront her (you mentioned her sister, your aunt?). She definitely needs help, but really more than that, she just needs to start looking to the community for outlets other than you.

Don't fall into the trap of letting this continue because before you know it, you'll be 50 yourself and still at home with mum!

Maybe some assertiveness coaching or counselling might help you also?

When I read the title OP I thought your Mum was going to be very elderly and needed to go into a home, not 50 with a job. You know the answer to this yourself but hopefully writing it down will help you reach that step you know you need to take. If you don't take it you will be under her thumb forever and that will only lead to resentment.

If she can do her job then she can do the mundane admin stuff too. She's only not doing it because you are and it's a way of binding you to her even more and that's not fair.

If and when you do move out you need to set boundaries - you don't need to speak to her every day or visit every day. She needs to make her own life - she's the same age as me and I have lots of interests and a social life outwith that of my husband. We also share interests and hobbies. It's healthy to have both. I'm wondering if she was like this with your Dad and that's why he moved out and she has now lumped her issues onto you? Either way, she does need to get out there and live life herself, not rely on you as her crutch. Good luck OP

Sweetheart.... congratulations on completing your Degree.. you need to separate your Mothers reactions to your decisions... make your decisions and stick to them regardless of your Mothers manipulations.

you must move out and live your life now...

I understand completely OP.

I am about to move out of my family home and am finding it difficult too due to similar reasons.

My parents are still together but are not happy, and as the oldest child I've always felt a responsibility to be 'around' - both as an extra presence to defuse the bad atmosphere but also because my mum doesn't have much in her life.

My dad is still working and is very independent, with friends and sports and interest, and often doesn't get home until past 8pm during the week, while my mum has no friends or hobbies and is now retired. I feel guilty at the prospect of leaving them to it, even though I know in my head I'm being silly as my mum and me don't do anything together, we don't even watch TV together. But she knows I'm coming home every evening and that she's not totally alone until my dad gets in.

She has made a few comments about how she's going to miss me and it's going to be weird without me around, and I wish she wouldn't.

I really feel for you OP, especially as your mum is actively trying to keep you around. But just know that you're doing the best for you. You've got to have your own life x

I'm 56 and my children are 24 and 27. They live their own lives and I certainly don't expect the younger one who still lives at home to be my carer!
I don't need a carer I'm only 56 and fit and working.
You must go and live your life. Your mum should not be using you as a carer, cook, cleaner etc She sounds perfectly capable of this herself. This will only get worse as she gets more reliant on you. Get out now!
I hope you don't mind me saying this but your mum sounds selfish and entitled. She could hold you back from living a full life and not care as long as she has you as her little servant.

She managed without you when you were in Uni. She'll manage fine when you move out.

Perhaps schedule one evening a week for her...then plan things for other days.

The danger of you not being firm is you losing more friends and your BF.

You can suggest stuff to do... as in go to the theatre or go for dinner...but don't abandon your other relationships.

Huge congrats on finishing your degree, OP!
This seems to be the perfect time to make some positive changes in your life. Positive for you and your Mum. Have you started applying for jobs yet? Think very carefully about what career you’d like and where you see you self in 5 or 10 years time. Do you have to move away from the local area in order to get the best job in your field? It might be the best option if you can find a job a bit of a distance from your Mum so that you can move out - find a flat share with others your age. I moved to London when I was in my early 20s, didn’t know anyone, and took a room in a shared house. Brilliant fun!
Your Mum is definitely too reliant on you, but you also admit you may be a little too reliant on her. It’s great that you’ve been a support to her, but your good intentions might actually be holding her back now. She needs to try and move on from her divorce and start afresh.
Good luck! I really think applying for jobs would be a great first step. Then, when you say you are moving out it will be for a good reason. You don’t have to move too far away necessarily - just enough to put some space between you.

50!! Tell her to fuck off.

Why? There's no need to do that. Is that how you were brought up? Telling your mum to F o**.

I'm sure she can express herself without swearing or being disrespectful.

I am a bit older than you - and have 7 grandchildren - and this is what I think. We bring up our children to "fly the nest" and make happy and successful lives of their own, not to look after us.

I know that pang when the last one leaves the nest - and I was not alone as OH still around. So, yes,she will find it hard, but she has to make a new life of her own - with you there in the background, and your siblings.

Does she have a diagnosable mental health problem that needs dealing with? Or has she just got used to leaning on you?

Don't forget that having someone leaning on you and depending on you can in its own way be quite seductive - irritating at times, but it gives you a role and status in the world. Don't want to be harsh, but if you are going to sort this out you need to also address what you get out of it and whether your mindset and behaviour might need to change too. You have already spotted the "nice to be needed" bit of the equation and well done you! - not easy.

You are going to have to make a life of your own and now is a good time to start. Make your plans - involve her in them as appropriate - and talk a lot about what she might like to do when you have moved out - in a positive way if possible.

Good luck with this difficult transition.

This thread has given me chills because you are me 15 years ago. I had to go no contact with my mum a few years ago and it was in part due to how she behaved when I tried to extricate myself from her clutches. I actually feel so horrified by what you have written that I dodn't even know how to gather my thoughts to give you any advice, apart from you must move out.

She almost certainly has depression. This is not your fault and you CANNOT fix someone's depression by loving and helping them. You just can't. Some things are unfixable. But it certainly is her issue to deal with herself.

While it would be good for her to go to the GP, I think you would benefit from having some individual counselling or psychotherapy to work out why you need to be needed so much, and how to let go of her gracefully, because it is certainly a two-way exchange you are participating and you have to stop playing if you want it to change. It is hard to step away and sometimes having someone to chat things over with is really helpful.

I carry such sadness, resentment and yes, grief at how my late teens and early twenties were because of my mum. The abusive relationship I walked into just to get away from her (I tried to leave home and she followed me to the same place, can't say where as it's too outing but she could pop in multiple times a day and did! It was hell). There is so much damage to unpick, simply because I didn't have the guts to move out, run far far away and leave her to sort out her own life. It is the biggest regret of my life. Please please don't make the same mistake as me.

I think you must make a break, but make it slowly, or you will forever be wracked with guilt. There is no way you can do this without ‘upsetting’ your mother, she is very comfortable in the blanket you provide, so will not like to lose it.
So you need a plan in your own mind first, then shared with your mother as to how you are going to do this. Identify the things you do and one by one hand them over to your mother. Going away for a weekend is a good plan, doing things with her, like shopping and cooking and then leaving her to it and putting up with the complaints is part of the pain you will have to endure. But don’t just find a job and move out as that really would be leaving her in the lurch and you would not forgive yourself.

My biggest problem is that I don’t want to upset her ... I don’t want to create a situation where she feels like I have left her like my dad did

In the kindest possible way, I think you really need to step back and look at this sensibly. Unless you're prepared to spend your entire life with her you will leave one day - after all that's what adult children do - and the longer you leave it the worse it may seem to her

Since you've said she "manages fine when she needs to stand on her own two feet", have you considered that creating such a dependency isn't actually helping her in the end? She could already be spreading her wings a little, but her reliance on you means her missing opportunities to do exactly that and, sooner or later, she could actually lose the life skills needed through sheer disuse

Certainly she'd resist any change to the status quo, but if you really care for her then surely changes must be made - not just for your sake, but hers too

I struggle for money because I sort out her bills and food shopping to ensure she doesn’t have to stress about that

Having only just noticed this bit, I realise it's quite right that you make a contribution to the place you're living in, but do you mean you actually pay for all, or most of, the bills and shopping?

I really hope the replies here and similar stories have given you the strength to branch out on your own. I actually think it be good for your mum too, to have you as her safety net removed.

At the moment you both do not have an healthy relationship together.

Good luck in your future!

'My biggest problem is that I don’t want to upset her '

I understand why you say this OP - 'upsetting' a parent like this can be absolutely terrifying. You are so well conditioned to put her needs first at all times, and at all costs, and to neglect yourself in the process.

The thing is, being disappointed is just part of life. Your mother may well be disappointed when you decide to move out, but the sky will not fall in. It is an entirely normal thing for an adult 'child' to leave home and find a space and life of their own. Listen to your gut. You have a lot of self awareness and you know what you want. You feel the urge for a lot more independence and that's entirely healthy. There may not be a way through this without 'upsetting' her, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You owe it to yourself to start re-drawing the boundaries of this relationship.

Seriously she's young and capable of sorting her life out! I'm only slightly younger than your mum and am a single parent to 4 kids. I've had to restart my career after being a sahm and buy a house. She has it easy and it's within her power to do what she needs to do. You're almost not helping because whilst she has you she has no incentive to sort things out herself and look for a social life etc.

You sound like a lovely person, OP. It's time to put yourself first and start living your own life. Your mum is still a relatively young woman and needs to get back on her own feet, while you get out there and do whatever you want to do

Your mum has learned that she can rely on you being there to hold her hand. And you have become comfortable thinking that you are indispensable to her.
You are getting in the way of her meeting other people and starting to take control of her own life.
Similarly, she is getting in the way of your plans if you are treating job applications, saving for a home and doing things with your friends as low priority compared to looking after her.
You need to start getting her accustomed to the idea that neither of your lives need to be put on hold any longer. I understand that divorce is like bereavement, and it can take a long time to start living again. But maybe you are now holding each other back from a healthy recovery. The actual loneliness and pain will be much less painful than the anticipation of it.

Have a read about Codependency. It was a lightbulb moment for me. It tends to occur when the parent is an addict but it can also occur when there are mental health issues such as depression.

The problem is with people like us is that we can also be this way with others in our life, trying to people please, comply and fix others. It is almost like an addiction in itself and debilitating in the long run.

Definitely seek counselling for yourself on how to manage this for both you and your mum.

See also Parentification and Emotional Incest (I know that phrase is gross). Really worried about you as this kind of thing caused me a nervous breakdown in my mid-thirties.

I haven't managed to read through all the replies yet, but I just wanted to say I think your Mum is being very selfish. I lost my own Mum when I was 21, she battled cancer and I helped my Dad care for her. I'm an only child, and my Dad had already lost his first wife to cancer. Noone could have blamed him if he'd clung to me, and expected me to stay at home. He didn't though, he encouraged me every step of the way. It was heartbreaking to leave him when I met my husband, he is in the forces so we had to move away and I cried my heart out over it. My Dad told me to go, he said it was my life to live and he'd be broken-hearted if he thought I was giving up opportunities to stay near him. We spoke on the phone every day without fail and visited often, until he passed away 9 years ago. If he could let me live my life after what he'd been through, your Mum could easily do the same. xx